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THE ATLANTIAN
Masterpieces in Steel
The Guarantee Trust and Banking
Company's steel vaults have every
safety appliance known to modern
safe building.
Great massive doors seal them; they
are time-locked with an electric pro
tective system; they are fireproof, wa
tertight and burglar proof.
A steel box in these vaults insures
the safety of all valuables. The ex
pense is trifling.
Guarantee Trust & Banking Co.
15 E. Alabama Street.
I
SAYINGS OP FAMOUS MEN.
(From The Chicago Tribune.)
Sir John Franklin: “Would I eat
whale meat? Well, I should blubber.”
Hercules: “I smell of the stables, do
I? Well, I’ll just euro your nose of
its sensitiveness.” (BiffI)
Absalom: “Hang mo if I know what
to do with my long hair! ’ ’
Faust: “You’re Pluto, are you? Tho
devil you say 1 ’ ’
Galon: “Marcus Aurelius doesn’t
know it, but I’ve given him many a
bread pill.”
Darius: “Here comes that smart Al
eck from Macedonia again 1 ’ ’
THOUGHT FIREWORKS
OUT OF PLACE.
The storm at sea was increasing and
some of the deck fittings had already
been swept overboard, when the captain
decided to send us a distress signal. The
rocket was already lit and about to
ascend, when a solemn-faced passenger
stepped up.
“Cap’n,” said he, “I’d bo the last
man on earth to cast a damper on any
man’s patriotism, but seems to mo this
here’s no time for celebratin’ an’ set-
tin’ off of firoworks. ”
DEFINITION OF A HYPO
CRITE.
Old Chief Pocotollo, now at the Fort
Hall agency, in answer to an inquiry
relative to tho truo Christian character
of a former Indian agent at that place,
gave in very terse languago tho most
accurate description of a hypocrite that
was ever given to the public: “Ugh!
Too much God and no flour.”
THE SOCIETY CHILD’S
LAMENT.
Mother has gono to lteno,
Father lives at tho club;
Sister is over in Europo
Hunting a titled dub.
I’m left alone with tho servants;
I sit hero and wonder all day
If I am Father’s or Mother’s—
Kind Judge, won’t you hurry and say?
—Puck.
Speaking of common sense, Dr. Faulk
ner, head of the Vineland, N. J., Hospi
tal, told the following story:
A mysterious building had been erected
on tho outskirts of a small town. It was
shrouded in mystery. All that was known
about it was that it was a chemical lab
oratory. An old farmer, driving past
the place after work had been started,
and seeing a man in the doorway, called
to him:
“What be ye doin’ in this place?”
“We are searching for a universal sol
vent—something that will dissolve all
things,” said tho chemist.
“What good will tliet be?”
“Imagine, sir! It will dissolve all
things. If we want a solution of iron,
glass, gold—anything, all that we have
to do is to drop it in this solution.”
‘ ‘ Fine, ’ ’ said the farmer, ‘ ‘ fine! What
bo yo goin’ to keep it in?”
HIS AILMENT.
“What’s tho matter with your nephew
that’s sick over at Skeedee?”
“Oh, ho prescribed for himself out of
a doctor book,” replied tho Old Codger,
“and nearly killed himself with a mis
print. ’ ’
SO VARDAMAN GOT NO CORN.
Senator Vardanian, so the story goes,
once rented a plot of several acres to
one of his black neighbors. The land
was to be planted in corn, and the sen
ator, then ex-governor, was to receive
one-fourth. The corn was duly harvested
but the senator did not receive his
fourth. Meeting the negro one day, he
said:
“Look here, Sam, have you harvested
your corn?”
‘ ‘ Yes, sail, boss; long ’go. ’ ’
“Well, wasn’t I to get a fourth?”
‘ ‘ Yes, sail, boss, that’s de truf; but
dey warn’t no fo ’til. Dar was jes ’
throe loads, and dey was mine. ’ ’
PASSING THE MUSTARD.
IN A GOOD CAUSE
“Johnny, what are you doing?”
“Tryin’ to learn the fish in this here
crick what they’ll git if they bite on
Sunday. ’ ’—Houston Post.
HOW IIE LOST IT.
Mrs. Hyer—“Why did she leave her
husband?’ ’
Mrs. Crier—“He lost his money.”
Mrs. Hyer—“How?”
Mrs. Crier—“Gave it to her.”—New
York Globe.
EIIOES OF EGOISM.
“What makes Bliggins think his chil
dren are so exceptionally bright?”
“A profound faith,” replied Miss Ca
yenne, “in the theory of heredity.”—
Washington Star.
THE MOST SUSPICIOUS MAN.
A group of congressmen were one day
discussing the characteristics of a cer
tain political leader, when one of them
touched upon the question of his success.
“I do not in the least wonder at his
success,” said Asher Hinds, of Maine.
“He is the most careful, not to say sus
picious man I’ve ever known. He re
minds me a great deal of an old New
England farmer I’ve heard my father
refer to. It was said of this old eliap
that, whenever he bought a herd of sheep,
he would examine each animal with the
utmost care to make sure that its fleece
contained no cotton. ’ ’
RECOGNIZED.
Archbishop Ireland is personally at
tending to the details of finishing the
magnificent new cathedral at St. Paul,
Minn. One of his parishioners recently
told him this amusing story:
A Swede who was looking at the front
of the cathedral (as the statue of a
saint with whiskers was indicated was
asked by a passer-by whom the figure
represented. The man hesitated and
said:
“Aye tank dot is Yim Hill.”
NOT THAT KIND.
“What is it wound upon that cart?”
asked the old lady visiting the firehouse.
“Fireman’s hose,” was the answer.
“Excuse me,” she said indignantly,
“you can’t tell me that any fireman or
any one else ever had legs to fit those
things. ’ ’
GOOD
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