Newspaper Page Text
Can This Be True ?
I
nHBH^K fixtruorditiary Sclf-He*traln f of a Kews-
pippr Advertiser.
“I would like to have an advertise-
J anent inserted.”
I This is a slogan that would resur
rect a dead man behind a newspaper
'Counter, and the eh rk turned as if by
^ .an electric current, and ejaculated :
‘•Yes, : ir; want the top of the
■column, I s’pose t”
“No; I a n not particular,” said the
advertiser,
“Want it inside next leading edito-
jr ia l ?”
Folly in the Guise of Wit.
\
l
Lv-
“Either page will answer,” replied
ihe other.
■ W ent a cut of a death’s head and
-mat row brutes, or a sore leg to make it
attractive, or a port, ait of the adver-
ip<r with longhair and a turn-down
hitt collar?”
•Cur type, black ink, and white
s; tr are pood enough for me,” was
c bo ro >onse.
“A. > right; want head-line in type
in ; aiit longer ihan Jenkins’ ad. in
< xi. oolumn, or will you have it put
to tip-;do down, or your name in
<»< oeed letters Ike forked lightning
itilj t ver it?”
"No; a i lain, siraightforward ad
vertisement in space of four inches
will answer my purpose.”
“Good enough. Want about ten
it • ~ »t notice free, dont you? Fam
ily hiviory, bow your grandmother
bl-ci.yi Washington’sboot9once; men
tion of yourself as a member of a cir
culating library, church, Are com
pany, co-operative store, bam ball
club, and other important public po
sitions ?”
The customer said he did not care
for any notice.
“Of course,” said the clerk, “you
want a free paper sent to each mem
ber of the firm ; one for yourself, and
the privilege of taking half a dozen
copies oft the counti r every week for
the next year cr two because you ad
vertise?”
The gentleman expected to pay for
his paper, and then asked the price of
the advertisement.
The delighted clerk figured it up
am*nihen asktd:
"* “If we send you the bill around in
about a year, you can tell the boy
when to call again, can’t you?”
“No, I will nay you now,” said the
other, taking out a roll of bills.
The newspaper man’s eyes bulged
as he said:
“Ah, you want to ask for 75 ptr
cent, discount, and 25 pir cent, oft for
cash ?”
“I am ready to pay a fair price for
value received. Tell me your regular
rates and here is the money.”
A beatific exj rcssiou spread over
the wan face of the wcrn clerk, aud
he murmured:
“8.ranger, when did you come
down, and when do you expect the
apostles along?”—Beaton Commercial
Advertiser.
When a main kums to me for advice
1 find out the kind of advice he wants,
and I give it to him ; this satisfies him
that he and I are two as smart men as
th* ra is living.—Joah Billings,
A recently superseded foreign minis
ter, while passing through London on
his return to this country, registered
himself at Bowie’s American agency
“Colonel , American Minister,
—, in rougLt for home.”
In a gambling house—One of the
bystanders exclaims, “I take back
one louis.” The banker replies se
verely, “ Bardon, monsieur, but you
bave not depos:tsd anything.” “ Oh,
then I’ll take back what I said.”
Religious Jots.
A gentleman explains to an honest
peasant, who has been allured by the
doctrines of Communism, that even if
it were possible to have a redistribu
tion of property his share wouldn’t
amount to mi re than 300 francs, ac
cording to the latest statistics of popu
lation and wealth. “ Well,” says the
honest peasaL t, with a smirk of satis
faction, “three hundred fiancs would
make a very tidy little sum along
with what I have a'ready. Commu
nism is by no means such a bad
thin !”
The old general sends an orderly to
announce to his young wife that he
shall be home to dinner, instead of
leaving town on a tour ot inspection.
“Well.” savs the gemral. when the
messenger reti rus from the errand,
did she say anything—send any mes
sage?” “She didn t say anything,
genual,” replied the orderly, “but
she looked whole circulating libra
ries! ’
“The chief-justice, after the court
has adjourned—“Brother X., I must
congratulate you upon your masterly
argument.” Eminent counsel—“Ob,
really, your honor, praise from—”
Toe C. G.—“Of course, you will un
derstand, Brother X., that I do not
agree with every tiling you said. Some
of your arguments were sound ; others
were of a specious nati re, such as could
only convince those haviug but a su
perficial knowledge of the law.” E.
C.—“Your honor sees through my
device. The sound tr/umeLti were
directed toward you. I threw in the
specious ones for theothi r members of
the court, who don’t know anything
about law in its more profound depart
ments. They’ll never see through
them as you did.” (P. S.—He finally
obtains a decision by the casting vote
of the chief justice).
A Venomous Lizard.
Stories about venomous lizards of
different species are abundant in In
dia and other tropical countries, but
on investigation Lave always been
found destitute of foundation. There
is, however, one l.zard of which the
bite Is certainly highly dangerous,
though probably not fatal, to man.
This is the Heloderm (Heloderma
horridum) of Mexico and Lower Cali
fornia, commonly known to the na
tives of those countries as the “ set rpi-
one ” or Bcorpion. An example of
this lizard has lately been presented to
the London Zoological Society's col
lection by Sir John Lubbock. The
deadly effect of the bite of this lizard
upon small mammals has been i roved
by actual experiment, aud Mr. J.
Stien, a traveler in Mexico, who was
bitten in the finger by one, suffered
from symptoms similar to those pro
duced by a snake-bite. The specimen
In the Z lological 8 piety’s collection
is about fifteen inches long, and was
forwarded to Sir John Lubbock by
^Mr. Treadwell, of the Centrul Ar zona
filing Company. It is believed to
the first that he reached Europe
ive.
Buckwheat Cakes.—Warm one
oint of sweet milk and one pint of
water (one may be oold and the other
jboiling); put half the mixtare in a
Intone i rock, add five teacups buck
wheat flour, beat well un il smooth,
t^dd the rest of the milk aud water,
k kl last, a teacup of yeast. Or the
1 \b ingredients may be used, except
A Bug two tablespoons offeuolasses
|Ugar and using one quart of water
of one piut eaoh of milk aud
One fact was demons'rated at the
Bi-Centennial celebration, which few
people noticed, but which to those wbo
did had much significance in it that
was euggettive. It was the great ex
cess of women among the spectators,
an excess which at points amounted to
four to one man.—Steelton Reporter.
And another fai tof much signitteai.ee,
which maDy people noticed and that
was suggestive, was the grei t excess
of men in the parade. Strange, how
these things happen.—Ex.
Advice given by a practical old
father to his son, just setting out for
Pi ris: “My son, never possess your
self of the property of another ; it is
v r >ng to do so, and, besides, you have
ample means of your own. Never
conceal the truth ; it does not pay. Do
not oppress ttte feeble, but, at the same
time, there is no necessity for inter
fering in their behalf ; you would only
make enemies of both sides. And en
deavor never to have any enemies, i r,
which comes to the same thing, any
friends. Good-by I Bless you!”
A Parisian, having advertised for a
coachman, was called upon by a can
didate, who referred him to a celebra
ted physician for iDlormati^i in re
gard to his qualities. The gentleman
called on the physician, who simply
took his pen and wrote on a pltce of
paper that his former servant was a
reliable, punctual and polite coach
man. Taking the paper in his hand
and thanking the wri'.er for it, the
man tc rued to leave ; but the physi
citm called him back: “I beg your
pardon, sir, but my terms for a con
t uttation are forty francs.”
The churches of this country con
tribute, according to estimate, over
$100 000,00' lotbe w< rk cf the gospel.
About ti r .e-foiMlia of this is for
ehuroh maMter-no", and the other
fourth for bent voleut and missionary
purprses
Dr. Lyruen Abbott has been argu
ing, contrary !o the commonly ac
cepted opinion that Paul was not a
logician, but an Idealist and a poet,
and ttiat no |y by reason of his educa
tion and th* demands of tbo age in
which he An e, his epistles assumed
ad' vmal i c everely logical form.
The (-Gift wich islands have more
varieties of religion than any other
teriin 1/ A equal extent outside of the
great cities and their immediate sur-
roun lings. To add to the variety al
ready in operation, two m tive evan-
elists bave now commenced work.
One of these has quite a gitt for sing
ing, and therefore the pair have
acquired the name of the Hawaiian
Moody and Sankey. They C raw large
audiences.
The case of “Deacon” Richardson,of
Brooklyn, has become famous. He
was expelled fr )in the Hansom Place
Baptist Church some weeks ago be
cause the horse car company of which
he is president had laid some rails in
tno street on Sunday in repairing or
extending its road. He has now been
resti red to full membtrship. The
statement is going the rounds of ttie
papi rs that Mr. RicbarIson has been
taken back because he said he was
si rry. This is not the case. Tue
meeting which turned him out was a.
small one which happened to be com
posed largely of his enemies. The.
meeting which has now readmitted
liim was one of nearly two huudred
members, in which his i nemies did
not happen to be in the majority. His
chief prosecutor, a man who had been
riding four miles to church in horse-
cars every Sunday, was so indiguaut
at the “deacon’s” readmission that he
at once asked aud obtained a letter ol
dismissal.
Although many people are more or
less dissatisfied with the old-fashioned
Bible, nobody of any sense will be
likely to take up in its place the “new
Bible,” which is tlrnist on the world
with the singular name of “Oahspe.”
The contents are quite as singular as
the name, aud the illustrations are
wi rse than anything which even ap
peared in the paper under the guise
of ‘‘war maps.” A more extraordinary
jangle of disjointed nonsense has stl-
dom, if ever, be^n put in print.
“Oahspe” is a volume about as large
as a family Bible. Its authi r lives in
New Yt ra and follows the profession
of dentistry for a living. Its capitalist
is a benevolent millionaire, who has
an open ear and an open pocket^for a
variety of strange schemes whose pur
poses appear to be good. There is no
danger that “Oahspe” will do the
community any harm, for there are
probably not a dozen pt rsons uu earth
who would have me patience to wade
through it or who could comprehend
it if they would.
remedy is net easily found. A corres
pondent contributes the following:
Sick headache is periodical, and is the
signal of distress which the stomach
puts up to ink roi us i f an over-alka
line condition of its fluids; that it
need 4 a natural acid to restore the bat
tery to the normal working co edition.
When the first symptoms of a head
ache appear, take a teaspoonful of
lemon juice clear, fifteen minutes
before each uieal, and the same before
bedtime. Follow this up until all
symptoms are past, taking no other
remedies, and you will soon be able to
go without the unwelcome nuisance.
Mauy will object to this, because the
remedy is so simple ; but I bave mauy
cures in this way. Give it a fair trial.
Household Note*.
Celery Soup.—Boil a email cup of
rice in three pints of milk until it will
pass through a sieve. Grate the white
ptrj of three heads of celery on a
lread grater; add this to the milk
after it has been s' rained ; put to it a
quart of strong veal stock ; let it boil
until the celery is perfectly tender;
season with Balt and cayenne pepper
and serve. If cream is obtainable,
substitute one pint for the same quan
tity of milk.
Broiled Oysters on the Half-
Shell. — Select large shells, clean
witn a brush, open, saving the juice;
put oyster in boiling water for a few
minutes, remove and place each oys
ter in a half-shell, with juice; place
on a gridiron over a brisk fire, and
when they begin to boil season with
butti r, sait, and pepper (some add a
drop oi lemon juice), berve on half
shell.
Potato Rissoles.—Mash potatoes,
salt and pepper t<> ta9te. Roll the po
tatoes into small balls, cover them
witli an egg and bread-crumbs, and
fry in hot lard for about two minutis.
8 j rve with toneme or in no.
Fried Cabbage —Cut the cabbage
very fine on a sl^w cutter, if possible;
salt and peppi r, stir well, and let
aland five mim.tes. Have an iron
kettle smoking hot, drop one table-
spoonful of lard into it, then the cab
bage, stirring briskly until quite ten
der; send to table immediately. An
agreeable change is to put one-half a
cud of sweet cream, and three table
spoons of vinegar—the vinegar added
after the cream has been well stirred
—Into the cabbnge and after taken
from the stove. When properly done,
an invalid cau eat it without injury,
aud there is no oftensive odor from
cooking.
Tipsy Parson. — Stick a large
square of sponge cake full of blanch
ed almonds, and then lay it in a deep
glass dish ; pour over it a tumbler of
she'rv, aud wheu the wine has all
soaked into the cake, fill the dish half
full of soft custi rd.
t op Overs.—One cap of milk, one
cup of fl mr, one egg, a little salt.
This will make one dozen cakes, one
tablespoon ful to each patty pan. Bake
in hot oven. This excellent recipe
is one jriven good by a contributor
accompll-hed in all household arts.
A Naturalist in Ceylon.
The Arachy cultivated lemon grass
upon the rounded hills that si rround-
ed his garden ; from this very dry
grass a simple process of distillation ex
tracts a fragrant and much prized pier-
fume. The whole neighborhood is
penetrated with the sceut. The work
men who are t ccupied with the dis
tillation and with the cultivate, in of
the bananas live in about a d< zen
scatti red huts clustered under the
shade of bread fruit and j k trees;
groups of slender areca aud cocoa
palms, with here an i there kittuls
aud ialipata spreading their feathery
crowns high over the level of the for
est mass, beirey ihe hiding-place ot
the little bambio inti. My visit to
them aud my intircourie with their
friendly inhabitants taught me almost
to envy their simple and natural
mode of existence. They are all pure
Singhalese, cinnamon colored and
delicately formed, thtir clothing is
limittd to a narrow white cloth round
the loins. The bright, pretty boys
were eagerly glad to help me in col
lecting birds and insects, while the
grace ful black-eyed girls twined gar-
lauds and adorned my ox cart with
flowers. At evening time, when tlie
swift-footed bullocks had been htr-
nessed to the e> r., and I had taken
my place by the Aracby, our rapid
star, was a special deiight to the chil
dren. and as we rolled along the
lovely l auks of the lagoon we weie
usually followed by a swarm of twen
ty or thirty gay In tie creatures, shout
ing and waving palm leaves or pelt
ing us with fl livers.
IT
«
Scientific and Useful.
Just down by the stream where the
bracken gr *ws rank she placed her
easel, and sal by it sketching fiom
nature. “Please ma’am, is that me
you're drawiug miikiug that cow in
the pasture?” “Why, yes, my little
man; but I did’ut know you were
looking.” “’Cos if tint’s me, you
put me on the wrong, side of the cow,
nd I’ll geLkio
Equal parts of gum arable, guqp
myrrh aud blood root, made into a
powder and used as snuft, will remove
every traoe of catarrh.
How to Swim.
There is really no uiyttery in learn
ing to swim—an accomplishment
which is possessed in perfection by the
most stupid of frogs. More than once
have explained how any one can
teach himself. The trunk, less the
t rms, is heavier 'than water ; witn the
arms it is lighter ; all, therefore, that
a person bas to do is to acquire the
habit of drawing in the breath when
he is making it. Let any one do tbis
and keep calm, and he will find that
he can swim. But, perhaps, it is
better to acquire confidence by a pre
liminary oourse ot floating. To do
this it is only necessary to lie flat on
the water, stretch out the arms witn
the palm of the haikds downward,
throw back the headland whenever
the body sinks low, breathe slowly to
fill the lungs with air.
Dr. Howe says in r
causes and cure of si
“ nine times out of ten, t
the fact thut the stomach
digest the food last iutrodu
either from its having bee
or excessive in quantity,
bread and butter, with rip
berries, with moderate, continuous ex
ercise in theopen air,sufficient to beep
up a gentle perspiration, will $ften
oure it in a short time. One teaspoon-
ful of powdered charcoal in half a glass
of water, aud drink, sometimes gives
relief. And jet the abftve remedies
ot avail in all oak
ard to the
headache :
cause is in
ot able to
into it,
suitable
diet of
fruit or
Spurgeon on Conscience.
The Rev, C. H. 8pi rgeon a few
weeks ago gave a “R-cognition Ad
c’ress,” on the induction of a new
pastor to a Baptist chapel. It was
characti r zed by the farnoys preachi r’a
usual earnestuess, felicitous use of
anecdote, and humerous common
sense conveyed in good Stxon Eng
lish. The burden ot the address was
“Encourage the minister!” Mr.
Spurgeon, like Sir Garnet Wolseley’s
oldiers a‘; Tei-el-Kabir, went
“straight” at his her rers. Among
other useful hints he warned them
not to fall into the ranks of those
whom we may call “nomadic Chris
tens “those who must go and
take a sniff at tbis place, and a uni ft
at that, and a sniff at other. I do
dislike thfct sort of spiritual gypsies.
I have a notion that they do this, go
about with their precious rags aud
tints to save paying any taxes. I
think that thin are some people tha
go around fr >m place to place that
may never take a sitting of their own
and pay pew-reL t. Weil, my dear
friends, if you do not pay pew-rent
aud help to support your past* r, have
you got any conscience? The good
man i* to give all bis time for your
edification, and persons have to sup
port him, but you will not take your
share in it. If so, your oonscieuce is
exceedingly like that of a gentleman
who some time ago was in a convict
prison. The chaplain said: ‘John,
have you any conscience ?’ Tne man
answered : ‘Sir, I have one uearly as
goo 1 as new, for I have never used it
within my recollection.’ I should ad
vise a little use of that thing called
“ ie
Poet's Corner.
Old Love.
I met Her, she was thin aud old ;
• She stooped, and (rod with loitering feet;
Tne hair was gray that once wan gold,
The voice was harsh that once was sweet;
Her hands wire wrlrkled, and her eyes,
Robbed ot the girl lah light ol Joy,
Were dim : I feit a sad surprise
That I loved her when a boy.
But yet a something in her air
Restored me to the vuuished time;
My heart grew young aud seem, d to wear
The brightness oi my youthful prime.
I took her withered hand lu mine,
Its touch recalled a ghost ot Joy ;
I kit-sed It with a reverent sigh.
For I had loved her when a boy.
The Golden Bod.
Swiftly passing the w indow by,
A glimpse 1 caught ol leathery gold—
Slopped short with a start—it cannot be
Dear Summer, thou art growing old t
I will look again—too true, alas!
The golden rod the rose replaces,
At.d a. scarlet leal gleams here and there,
Herald ol Autumn's transient graces.
Give grateful thanks that with whitened
locks
And dim, sweet eyes, there are fresh, warm
hearts,
That t he best ol life lades not awa;
When the hush and ardor of youtF
Oh summer may come and sum
wane,
Winter o’ertake us with storm and cold,
Hut the rose of Joy blooms on i^the soul,
The happv soul that can never grow oli
Despondency.
Spring come* with solt caresses.
And paints thy cheek
Ana periutnes thy long hair,
That dead thou may-st be fair.
Then summer brings her buds
And wealth of leaves,
Tuat In the dusty tomb
Toy grave-ciotbes lack uot bloom.
Autumn gives stores of lruit
And goodly cheer,
'i bat thy funereal feast
Shall ^ot be scant, at least.
And winter brings a shroud,—
Last gltt to tuee;
Cover the grave-mound high;
Tuon wert born, sweet, to die!
A Kiss for Mamma.
The oar was all ready, the eeronaut saying
A lew last words ere he tatied away
to the far blue sky, wbtre tbe sunbeams
straying
Made perfect the glorious summer day ;
While thousands and thousands were gath
ering nigh,
To wish him goodjourney, aud bid him good
bye.
A wee little maid with her sunny hair falling
Baik from her beautiful onildtsh brow,
sprang away Drum her nurse, her baby voloe
calling:
"And p’ease, Mr. Man, m <y i do now 7
I want to do up wlv ’no lu ’e sky,
To flud ray own mamma an’ tlss *er dood-
bye.”
He kissed the sweet (ace, while the tear,
drops were shining
On many a oneek hardened with care ;
He unclasped the arms round his nock loud
ly twlulug
And sailed irom tbe little one standing
there
But a s weet voloe rose to him, dear and free,
“Tell mamma l’s dood dirt, uu' tUa'erlo*
tne!"
- ■ .
Some latter-day philosopher has
said: “Send me all the dresses a
woman has worn in the oourse of i
life aud I will writ