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Best Wit and Humor by Famous Arflsfs for Young and Old
COPYRIGHT. 19Q*. BI AMEIUCAN-JOCRNAI^Et a M , NrjL
BRAGGO THE MONK.
Copyricfat, 1907. bf Ameriesn-JoarnaJ-Eisnilner.
The Fate of the
Rubberneck Wagon
By JAMES J. MONTAGUE.
A bill has been introduced at
Albany to abolish "seeing New
York” wagons,
F ROM Oshkosh, Kennebec, Des
Moines,
Tucson and Everglade,
Came swarms of eager folk to join
The rubberneck parade.
O N padded flight* of stairs on
wheels
They hearkened to the tone
Of learned and instructive spiels
Propelled by megaphone.
A ND ah I their hungry hearts would
thrill
When past the Tombs they rode.
Or rumbled over Cherry Hill—
Monk Eastman’s late abode.
O R when their guide with unction
spoke:
“fn this here part of town
We’ll maybe meet them famous folk,
John Smith and Henry Brown."
A RADIANT but wholesome joy
Lit up each glistening eye,
! When J. H. Choate or Kid McCoy
Came strolling idly by.
C’ ULL harmless pleasuring this seems,
i Both innocent and lawful.
And yet the Legislature deems
That it is something awful
A ND great and wise Assemblymen
Assure you, with a frown,
j You’ll have to take the subway when
You want to see the town.
Handbooks for the Hurried
By WEX JONES.
Thit it the age of handbooht.—Weekly
paper.
y IIIS !■ no book for “mollycoddles.”
The man who It any food as a
* citizen will camp out for at least
.'our months every year, and this book
will tell him how to do It.
In preparing for a trip to the Canadian
j wilds do not make the mistake of carrying
too much baggage. A light khaki suit, a
pair of oxfonl «#OM, two pairs of open
work socks, a pipe and a couple of pounds
of tobacco, and a rood book, says the
-Winning of the West," will be enough.
For grub tako a can ot roast beef, which
la "purer than the thoughts of childhood”
since the Inspection bill was pasted. Dark
and leaves enn be fonnd In almost ever/
forest and make excellent aalade.
A tent la not necessary, but aome tender,
feet like to have a covering at night An
extra handkerchief wilt serve the purpose,
a hatpin serving as ridgepole.
Ouce In tbo wilderness, the hunter must
keep on the qul vlve for game. Orlxallea
arc dangerous antagonists for Inexperienced
cltltena, but with a little care they may
bo overcome. Wear light boxing-gloves
when In pursuit of this game and avoid
clinches, as the grlxaly has an unfair habit
'of wrestling and hugging to avoid punish,
intent, lilt your opponent on the head
until be la dated and then carry him back
*° Bobcats are also bad things jo get Into
a mix with. Itely upon quick footwork
to avoid their Jumps, and try to catch
them off their guard.
Kvery morning before breakfast, which
Is to be eaten at 3:15, practise n sprint of
live miles. This Is DoecM.iry If you are to
tun down the largo Canadian wolf. Soak
your hands In aluin. as the wolf has sharp
teeth and you may be scratched when
catching him,
THE HALL ROOM ROYS
THEY DO IT ON $9.50 PER,
Copyright. IbuT. by Aineriean-Jouroal-Ejunjiutx.
AH-HAiufatf'UlETME ( C^ARMEb-REAlLTI AM
introduce 1 -. Algernon / char-r-rmed totieet
THE SON OR LQI
roND.WU.BEAT.6uR
SMOREfl TO NIGHT WON!
TOU ALGT.VtNDYOU TOC
H ALL ROfaM, IF WU HA'
anythin— 1
DROP
AR00ND!U®S5k|f£t
\SM PER( ,1 WONDER WHA7
They Attend a Smoker and Try to Smoke Pipes.
W’
Getting Back at the Opposition,
’Tho argument of my learned and brlt-
Retumed. j Tut, Tut I Dividing the l ask.
ihe^c*’ , * llt tower goes baek to William Man Is a mass of meandering microbes j The real dlvtsloo of Inlmr, as a husband
' ”WhE" 1 a lt the matter’ isn't It «ntl«fac.| » nd “ magnldccut bundle of biasing blun-jonce put before me. Is, "She says It and I
tory?"—New Orleans Times Democrat. 'dors.—Baltimore American. I doca lt. - ’—The Blabop of Bristol.
Squirrels make good eating. Th» proper
sy to capture them ta by cllmbtng a tree
ter t.ie nimble little fellows and chasing
mem from branch to branch. When you vc
chnsed them to the Inst brunch, you've got
them unless they Jump. In this ease, run
dow“n the tree .Vquickly that you'll be
waiting to entch them before they hit tbs
Sr Should you he attacked by Indiana, give
the Carlisle college yell.
Tho mollrccddle Is very likely to bo lost: 1Iaot co || t , a|{ n, •• , a ld counsel for the plain-
i"„ ^affl «» I" a recent suit for damages from a
a policeman which car jou should take for railway company, "Is like the snow now
your camp. n falling outside—It la scattered here, there
There Is nothing more exciting than call- [ BD d everywhere."
ing moose. The “•rtngnantef walfci be-1 whereupon opposing counsel Improved
hind a tree until 'the Wo°dtMr«ty crihis opportunity. "All I cau say," he has-
approaches within easy f®®*e Ud then t uy interposed. "Is that the gentleman who
Alls It full of lead from a magazine rifle. |, M likened my argument to the snow now
The principal requisite for this s^ort is a failing outside has neglected to observe
good memory, as there are J,000,0.3 moose on •
lti Canada, and none of them will come un- -
lest called by Its own name.
Straphangers in Tucson.
By WILLIAM F. KIRK.
THEN the Arizona street cars started carrying people home.
Passing poor and plodding Greasers, all compelled to hit the loam.
Though the burros moved so slowly that the cars no more than crawled.
There was civic pride in Tucson, where the system was installed.
Bidden by the corporation to enjoy the opening trip.
Came the Mayor and the Council, each exclaiming “Let *er rip T*
Down the street the burros plodded while the Mayor took a nap—
Then a member of the Council happened to behold a strap. ^ •
S AID the member of the Council, “What's that strap arrangement fer?"
“When you ridesaid the conductor, “that there strap's to hang on, sir.**
Said the member of the Council. “1 have rode since eighty-five.
And I never held no leather on the meanest bronc alive 1“
Saying which, he drew his cannon, and in twenty winks, perhaps,
Arizona's pioneer street car was divested of its straps.
¥ ¥ ¥
Maybe many a little shop girl can sit down and take a rest
When the marksmen of Manhattan match the marksmen of the West.
JUST KIDS,
Copyright, 1007. by AmericanJournal-Examiner.
“You can’t never be President. You wain't born
In this country.”
-What do I care? I can be a prize fighter,
can’t If”
"Say, Mame, are you goln’ to be home thli even
in'? I might call around.”
“Then I won't be home.”
Htfeiit’u nij urnuuifiii io tue muun at
i2 outside lias neglected to obser
little point to which I flatter mvs<
similarity extends—It has covered i
Below Zero Stories.
j A Bangor man In his effort to describe
the coldest place In the world spoke of a
' shed that was “too cold to keep wood In,”
‘and this was the limit until this corre-
j spondence came In from Mount Desert con
cerning the weather down there last week.
! A fisherman of Otter Creek says a big cod- j
iflsh was so attracted by the warmth of at
! gasoline heater In his dory that it Jumped
J Into the boat and tried to wrap Itself
around the heater. It froze In a half circle,
lied Jerkins, of Trenton, went to the barn
j to water his stock, lie fell And upset the
i pall. Before he conld step out of the water
; ills boots froze to the floor. lie had to
I take off his boots to get away.—Kennebec
i Journal.
the ground In
per's Weekly.
very short time.”—liar-
A Gambling Charity.
Two servant maids attended a meeting
of the Guildford Charity Trustees to throw
dice for the charity known as "Maids'
Money.” This was left by John How In
1074, and each year there U a competition
for a check for $00. The dice throwera
must have been employed for two years In
one service In Guildford, but not at an Inn
or alehouse. Laura Cadman, who had six
teen years' service, secured tho check with
a double alx, Emma Trimmer (eight years'
service) throwing six and three. Trimmer
will be allowed to try again next year.—
London Telegraph.
The Dictionary
of Misinformation.
WEX JONES, Lexicographer.
0 OAST, noun—The rlm of a country;
devoted to bathing, drowning, flirting
and being bombarded.
DICE—Bricka for Satan's furnace.
FIANCEE—Sweetheart in tinsel
OOP—A dingbat’s niece.
PHYSICIAN—OnT who charges yoo
$2 for confirming -your belief that you
don’t feel well
POOL—A game In which one m»B
pockets the balla and the money.
Of Proved Honesty.
A small town out Weat had for » h*f
time a chief of police, one Alf Charcn,
noted for hla bluntness and honesty. One
day a grocer went to him for Informatlos
about a certain Joe White, who hsd »P*
plied for credit and a book at bis stora
and the following dialogue ensued:
"Good mornln'. Mr. Church.’'
"Mornin*."
"Do you know Joe White?”
"Yes.”
"What kind of a fellow It her
"Pretty fair.”
•Ta he honest?" _ „ lfl
"Iloucst? I should «ay M. Been
rested twice for stealing and aeqtuws
both times."—Harper's Weekly.
Except a Smile.
Nothing dies sooner than a tear.—OeroM
Proverb.
The Musical Fly.
A wrong note had occurred In the orches
tra several times. The conductor In de-
! apalr commenced an examination of the J
music of the respective Instruments. On
looking at the first violin copy be spied a
dead fly on the music.
"You Idiot!" be roared to the French
violinist, "can't you see that Is a fly on
your music?"
Worn 08.
One day, after the brakeman had been
pointing out the window and explaining the
scenery, one of the passengers whispered
to the conductor: "Conductor, can you tell
we bow that brakeman lost his finger? lit
steins to be a very nice fellow. It seems
a pitjr ho should be crippled.'*
‘■Thqf*, III,? if. mu'lllt
A FREE RIDE IN THE JUNGLE.
Copyrifht, 1007, by AmericanJonnul.EMiqiMt,