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> IS ill Best Wit and Humor by Famous Artists tor Young and Old " COPXBIQHL iyOT. Hy AMERICANwJOt7RlfAIg.*XAUlJt*a. ON THE SIDE. By WEX JONES. C HB Pnlajtnes bar* floallv been smnabod. So. gentle reader, not mosquitoes. )o*t t'rown men. A Presidential Diary of 1927. MONDAt—Most 4neces«ful- rear of the Baby Department itnee Ita foundation In 1007. Department baa taken 4,1»T.80<1 bablea from their motbera and la retrlnr hem under glass and my anperrlalon. Went orer them to-day and weeded out 8.674,- 873 for eutbanaala. There won't be a wcakllna In the rising generation. TUESDAY—Set aalde the Btetee of Sew Hampshire. California and Manitoba aa for. eat and fame reaerree. Qrl*alien threat ened with eitlnctlon and mnet be proteeted or there will be nothin* left to ehoot. WEDKESDAT—Bureau for ImproTln* Life on the farm programing rapidly. Beery farmer moat report dally at Dletrlot Halt of Mirth at 7 p. m. to bear one of my •aldreoaee on the phonograph. Think of ea. tabllahlng almllar boreao for promoting the bapplneaa of elty eotere. THCR8DAT—Issued reeteed rulee for the hull ring, which 1 think a better arena than the gridiron for developing oltlnenablp. FBIDAT—Denounced the author of the “Crutae of the Cachalot" aa aa unqualified faker. Whalen do not apont) oratore do. fierce battle artth feroctooe blue Jay In nildernaaa eurroundln* White Hunting Lodge. I won. BATCRDAT—Beat the Eanatbar Amhaa- aador hurling the dat Iron. Got him eight time*, while he never touched me. Ho la a eplendld apeclmen of the modern diplo mat. Wrote a note directing the Superin tendent of Battroada to change the termi nate of the Central Paclllo from Bouton and Ben Diego to Winnipeg and Meglco. Thla will make the map more aymraetrlcat, at we have no etratght np and down reada. Awarded medale to four men who had worked three weeke on the Panama Canal. Approved deelgn for campaign button with tlogan ‘fourteen to the family." "Animal Ignoramna" appeara to have "nature faker" beaten on points. The Financier. On leaving ochool Rudolf Caahboy began at the foot of the ladder by accepting a poeltioa ae office hoy with the firm of Clay A Mudde. Rudoira attention to hla dntlee made him a favorite with the heade of the firm, and many a little preeent, each aa a touring car or a yacht, ho received for eome eatra work like taking hla feet olt the table when a lady might wlah to get by. "Wo were lucky yesterday. Rudolf” said Mr Mudde one day. "We made half a million when we gold Pacific Airship. "Oh. Mr. Mudde," laid Rudolf shyly ac. ceptlng the tS0.ooi check pressed own him by hie uniting employer ."you should have held on until to-day. Ihat'i what I did. and I’m »8,#00.000 to the good. It'a not much, Mr. Mudde, but, then, I'm only a *"" l ' , *redttaMe. patting “I don't wont to bo called the ten-mUllon- dollar baby: I'm Jo*t a kid," aaye • ten- rear old heir. Great chance for the song •niter*. The Dictionary of Misinforma tion. BATHING SUIT—Very Mttta BUNGALOW—A charming homo to road about and plan. When le John Jeremiah Snow! B e'e gone to live In a butii ere cornea John Jeremiah diking. "Who'll buy a bunpni —Honor of Innocence. CIDER—Liquid weakness. HORSE—Orto. _ , . MOON—A rafulgant ort> aeen In the nkiee and | Be# the —... . J?aW?S^—A? > VoSale«l!ar 0 that doesn't k ?:<X b X~n Wetere.—P. *. PEACE—War with the flree out PLOT—The atory of a novel A levee B. A ta'klllni la a motor accident C Serenpon fall* la love with B It end C are married.—A np horcl PUN—A Sprained wort. BAIL—A flaw aurroundad by ateel Mudde, Indeed." laid Ur. If on the head. Continued.) npnloie. I Snow- mi! Wtof" "Say. I gotta couple good tlpe for yen." ri&MUh&GR Hanning Dry.* /Md. Edna Uay itjt ebe wilt begin to bake ptes. It will take bt» a longer time to get a certain call. STEEL TRUE AS STEEL wa* the laying in the day* when the maker* were true, And rimed and honeit their purpoie in whatever their hendi found lo dot But now the usurper dollar hai conquered the common weal. Ai false as their leaden lifebuoy* is the treacherous servant, steel. What recks the sleek director, so long as Ik That^ d»»a*te? and death are sold with the Aawpitted steel that he sell*. Why should he care, he argues, since he tacks not for frequent sales. That • broken reed ia surer than one of his rotten rail*— So the flying trein reel* over And read ing. with unctuous nod. The smug director murmurs, “Ah well! Twas the will of God.” Ghosts?—and the echoes of cries from that horrible rending crash?— Pooh l Ghosts don't trouble the soul that is proofed with a coating of cash. TRUE AS STEEL was the saying in the days of the true-hearted men— Away with the faking and shamming and let it he true again. He Drew the Line. Th!« tale relates bow a hlahop, accosted In Fifth avenue by a neat hut hunirry atrnnger. derived profit from the enconnfer The bishop, so rnna the ynrn. took the neely one to a hotel and shared a gnr- geoua dinner with b!n». yet. having left his episcopal wnttet tu the pocket of a dlf- fer-nt epfecopel jacket, suddenly raced the emturraaement of not poaaeMJng the where withal to pay up. “Never mind.” ex. claimed hla guest. “I have enjoyed dfnln* with you. nnd I shall he charmed to shoulder the cost. Permit me.” Whereupon the stranger paid for two. Thla worried the prelate, who Insisted. **Jnst let me call a cab. and we’ll ran np to my hotel, where I shall have the pleasure of relmhnrstn* you." Iiut the stranger met the siukm. tfon with, •■goo her*-, old man! You've Muck me for a bully p-wvj dinner, but banged If I'm going to let you atlck we tor cab fart.’”—Boston Tracscrljpt. Now, What D’ye Think of That? Copyright, 1907. by Amerfean-Joaretl-Etamlnef. "Don't tell me you are married, air!" 8he cried Impulsively. He thought a while, then forced a am lie; "How do you like my hat?" she asked. “All right, 1 won’t,’* said he. “1 want the truth from you.” “Oh no,” said he evasively, “You only think you do.* 1 Mr. E. Z. Mark Prepares a Speech. Copyright. IDOT, by Amerlctn-Joumil-Extalnsr. 1. STiiANGEIt—Mr. Mark, s number of > our tending citizens are giving a banquet this evening to the Duke de Pazasa, the famous explorer. It ia our Intention fo present to him a magnifi cent solid silver punch bowl, and I have been dalegated to ask you to make tbo presentation speech. R. Z. MARK—I aball be proud to do to. How much are the tickets for the banquet? bowl wa aha 11 be pit E. Z. MARK—Of course, I with’ to contribute. Here is fifty dollars. 3. h. Z. MARK—“And, In conclusion, oa behalf of the citizens of this great and glorious com monwealth, I have the honor to tender our dis tinguished guest, ns n token of our esteem, this sliver punch bowl. May his future bo as bright ns Its polished surface." How’s that for a speech. Mary? 4. HOTEL MANAGER—What’s that? A ban- uuat to the Duke de Pazasa? There’s no banquet here to-night, sir. The Duke left tor the West two weeks n«o. I’m afraid somo one has beeu When Antoinette Is on the Job. I. ANTOINETTE-Now, mamma, yon sit there and entertain Harry while I wait on tba table. Yon see, Harry, oar servant girl has left us, and I don’t want mamma to do all tho work. You’ll excuse me, won’t yon? 2. HARRY—It must be a great comfort to yon to hare a daughter who la to willing to help you about the bouse. ANTOINBTTE'8 MOTHER—Yes, Indeed! An toinette has always been fond of housework. She ■area me a great many steps. 3. HARRY—Wow! nelp! Great Caesar’s ghost. I’m scalded! ANTOINETTE’S MOTIIER-Oh, Antoinette! what have you done? 4. HARRY—Don’t cry, Antoinette. It didn’t hurt much. I was only startled for the moment. ANTOINETTE—Boo-hool It Isn’t that. I know tho soup wasn’t hot enough to scald you. I’m crying because you were ao angry that you almost swore. Roo-boo! The Nautical Nature Faker By WEX JONES. i 7'T'IVAS the bosun’s mote whe A very sedate Upended a glass of rum, And proceeded to slate what 1 now relate • In a manner despondent and glum. I SEE by the paper* (iay* he) that the capers Of the tea «erpent’» now under way— Hi* head's like a eat'*; hi* tail'* like a rat’s; Hi* whisker* are purple, they My . There's trees on his back; his pajamas’ are slack; His fins are enamelled in blue; His eyes are pea-green, ears ultra- marine. With horns like the wild caribou. T HIS i* how them there swabs describes of his nobs, Whose area’s several acres; And it'a certain (says he) as certain can be They’re simply unqualified fakers. Now, the serpehti I seen have always been green. With splashes of bootiful pink. And every sharp fin wa* of white, shining tin, While the whiskers wa* vi’let, l Jiink; They worked with a treadle the way that you pedal A fast-running sewing machine. While their elegant ear* wa* bedimmed with salt tear* Because the bad shark* was to mean. And it’* easy to see that these fellows (says he) Are nautical nature fakers. For no serpent has been, of the thou- sands I seen. Less in size than a plum thousand acre*. frjr> IVAS my constant fate that * the bosun’s mate Should ever be gloomy and glum. He muttered ,r A faket” then "Thankee, I’ll take— You’re so pressin’—a tot o’ rum." Tho Farmyard Burbank. Csllforola. which produce* the pesch po- t*to and the strawberry prune, now glres to the world tho parrot chicken. Tble In telligent bird, tho dispatches say, lays an egg and then rut&et to the termer crying, “Look In the nest end see vrbet you'll find." This Is a very naeful accomplish- ment. althongh there win be eome heart- rending ecenee when preparations are being made tor a chicken dinner. On the same farm Is a parrot dock, which wlU become Indispensable to fishermen. It iwlma around until It spots e flab and then cells out to the man on the bank or In the boat, 'There's a fine pickerel three Inches to my left." The parrot potato ta also s great convenience, ss It cells oat In • load tone from the pot, "I gnese I am boiled enough now.” But the grseteat achieve ment ot the ’’Farmyard Burbank," aa he la callsd. Is ths snail horss. This naeful ani mal haa a portable etibls on Its back, and naves the farmer • lot of expense. It 1s said that ths snail horse will he tried against somo sf ths horsss running on tb* Long Islind tracks. Pittsburg will not buy tho painting ot The Bath." It is naplessant to bs con stantly reminded of a duty. "Do not marry,” ssya a University of Washington professor, "until prices go down.” But tors Is always s bargain. Ths rscovety of a vanity box valued it *15,000 leads on* to expect each ads as these: LOST—Pair of shots, heels set with dia monds; $10,000 reward and no questions asked, REWARD—A reward of 100,000 will he paid for ths return of * collar bnttoo lost on Fifth avenno, between a and 8 a. m. yesterday. FOUND—Powder poff, apparently worth about $70,000. Owner can have property on moiling postage. LOST—Shot lace valued at $100,000, but more prleed oa account ot emulations. Suitable reward If returned on-knotted. A Yarn Like the Nancy Bell’s- Tho year wi» nineteen fifty-one* An old man came to Washington. “Pleas? tell me where the Senate i»," He asked a man. who said, “Gee whiz I I ate the Senate yean ago. And I'm the Senate now, you know." “Then tell me, friend," aaid that old m»n# “Where’* Congrenman Smith of Michigan? “I ate the Houte, a* you must know, Some umpty-umpty years ago." "Then." said the graybeard, "who are YOU?* *Tm these—perchance I miu a few— CourUth* Mollycoddle* 1 re taru of the Navy, the Fo the de- omc* _ iprem* the Seo- \ootbell Coach. ’oute. tht he Pott C , the Sup .... _’er.nl* Champion, the Secretary ot State. the Bio Stickr But the old man gently edged away; ’TU hear the rest another day." A Hopeless Case. Flattering, but a Knock. One on John Bull. "Even with flattery," said Mark Twain "Tfce tun never aete on English poeiee- at a dinner, "you can’t please eome men. I stone,*’ wild en Englishmen proudly, remember when I wae a reporter In Vlr- "No," replied the Irishman, "the Lord Is gtnla City there was a. doctor I liked—I had afraid to trust her in the dark."—Ladles’ ped once on Lnke Tahoe with him—and Home Journal. In an obituary I derided to give him a eard. | —- wrote: *I)f, Sawyer was called In, and Suburban Joy*. KftSriteUt .ii'TJ’io,,""; 1 .-aut'ur' r ^*,'”!?' «*">»>* « fO“ r *>«• «"• tone how, wasu’t plcazcd.*’—Kansas CUy Star. j "Pond itltea In my cellar."“Lift. * Foiling the Foe. "The duel," said a Senator, "Is a thing I abhor. I believe, though. In manliness snd pluck, and I hope tbs time will never come when a conversation such at was recently overheard in a club will be typical of American chivalry. A clubman ap proached a friend and whispered: ’Bludd threatens to kick me the next time ho sees me In company. If be ahould come In here now. what would you advise me to doY ’Sit down,* was the reply." I got- Not for His Health. "Yes, I’m going abroad at once, ta go." "Ob. you mustn’t let the doctors scare you.” • "I got thla from a lawyer."—Washing- ton Herald. What, Indeed? What ts home without a letter from the President?—Saturday Evening Post. t . you m w */***-- collector?” Inquired • fsllow tradesman •He couldn't fio that to a woman.” "That'a what 1 thought, so 1 got ooa and tent Ur round, but abe never cam* b *"Why notr' ••He married her."—Spars Momsota. Saved Hi* Temperature. An old negro living In Carrolton was taken III recently and callsd In a phyilclnu of hi* race to prsicrib* tor him. Rut ths old man did not assm to b* getting toy better, and finally a whit* physician wai called. Soon after arriving Dr. 8. felt ths darky's pulse and examined hla tongiir. "Did your other doctor take your temper atureS he asked. “I don't know, .sab." the paUeot answered feebly, “I haven't missed anything but my watch aa jet, |itndr.'"lt'1'were ln~hls nl h®*x- —Argonaut. j, tr0 that stuttered.''—Lift. Stuttering Money. from hla’ publisher* for everything h# '’"Oee!" exclaimed the msldeo with ths dreamy eyas, waking- from her brown study. “If 1 were In hit place 14 have