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it goes without saying that the genetic makeup of toll booth
operators also plays a major part in a booth’s smell. Other
things to consider are food odors, pest populations and
how recently the booth’s interior was painted. In general
though, toll booths smell like an empty ice cube tray and
new styrofoam.
2. Is it OK that some toll booths don’t have arms?
The gates that lift up at certain toll booths are often mis
takenly called arms, but the correct name for this feature is
lips. Some toll booths do not have lips because there is an
inadequate supply of batteries available to power each and
every booth. Ethical concerns with regard to lithium min
ing are the root of this supply shortage. While toll booths
and their operators take only a vague stance on this issue,
the repercussions are real and immediate from a practical
standpoint. Ultimately, toll booths with lips are better,
but it is socially acceptable that some booths do not have
them.
3. How many toll booths are there?
It is impossible to get an accurate count because toll
booths are in a constant rotation of either being erected
or demolished based on a lottery system. There are no
approved statistics in publication that reflect any official
views on this matter.
4. What are tolls used for?
This question is about tolls and not toll booths. Off-
topic questions will not be answered.
5. Do toll booths have bathrooms?
All toll booths are required to be equipped with
restrooms. The facilities must have operating toilets,
sinks, hand dryers, showers and dry cleaning services. All
restrooms are located either on the second floor or in the
basement, depending on state law. Toll booth restrooms
are available for public use when tolls are not actively
being collected. Tipping the bathroom attendant on duty is
strongly encouraged.
6. Which toll booths are haunted?
All toll booths are, or will be, haunted. The ghost of
Dwight D. Eisenhower haunts one individual toll booth
at a time for no longer than eight consecutive days and no
less than three days. The 34th U.S. president was unable
to visit every toll booth in America before he died and now
is doing so from the spirit realm. Unfortunately, given the
constant rotation of toll booth demolition and building, the
soul of Dwight D. Eisenhower will never be at rest. Feel free
to ask your toll booth operator if they have been visited by
Eisenhower’s ghost the next time you are at a toll booth.
Sex Education
By Maxwell Champion
Sex education was a public health fad when I entered high
school in 1970, and I was among the first adolescents to
be formally instructed in the science of sex. It became all
the rage, an embarrassing extension of the science trend
following Sputnik, only focused on a biological exploration
of the zygote experience. “Sex ed” was separate from other
classes, segregated by gender and always taught by phys
ical education (PE) teachers who matched the sex of the
students. Classes were held irregularly, never announced
in advance, and conducted in a very grave and secretive
atmosphere. Boys and girls were separated and marched
to different rooms. No texts or handouts were distrib
uted. Information was delivered by lecture, sometimes by
pleading to our good sense, other times through hectoring
and admonition. The teachers spoke with an exaggerated,
almost morose, air of seriousness.
During one session at Cherryhill East High School, the
instructor used an overhead projector to show the class an
illustration of the male phallus. A gigantic penis covered
the blackboard from one end of the room to the other. The
gym teacher paced in front of the blackboard gesticulating
and shouting details while the phantom phallus shined
brightly on, over and behind him. The penis maintained a
gigantic multi-dimensional presence by appearing to move
along with his white shirt as he marched back and forth in
front of the blackboard waving his arms in a wild and exag
gerated manner.
He next displayed a detailed illustration of the female
sex organ. “This is a clitoris,” he shouted, and violently
whacked the unfamiliar image with his pointer, the loud
bang startling the dark room to attention. Women, we were
told, had a lot of moving parts and worked to a precise
monthly schedule. Tiny labels with multiple vowels were
plastered all over the female organ. The teacher repeatedly
slammed the illustration with his pointer to emphasize
critical points. We sat listening in stunned silence. I tried to
focus on the anatomical lesson at hand, but it was harder
than algebra. No one dared ask a question.
The girls were already at their desks when we returned
to class. They were talking and laughing in a lighthearted
manner. The boys shuffled in silently and took their seats,
looking uncertain, lost and confused.
Autumn Begins in Athens
After James Wright
By Carson Colenbaugh
The green creek runs beneath the football stadium; beastly
feet Gallop its manicured turf into terrible densities dying
for oxygen. A certain civilization rises to proud-sung chant
ing; beautiful men With long hair parade down painted
measurements of strength: They bash their bodies while
raccoons claw at crawdads within The heavy cover of prin
cess tree, white mulberry, Chinese privet. The ditch sumac
flirts with crimson, red jerseys thrash as sweat Falls and
lands in the thick grass—our little world begins again.
Comedy For Seniors
By Richard Strom
Seniors are fun! They have stories and experiences to share,
and most importantly, they don’t give a shit about what
you think of them.
You should attach yourself to one. A grandparent, aunt
or uncle, or a perfect stranger that has no heirs and is get
ting pretty old.
Athens has a senior center called ACAK, the Athens
Counsel for Alta Kakas, which in the urban dictionary
means “old farty type person.” Look it up...
Seniors have a love life. Hopefully it is with their spouse,
but many times through divorce and death they seek other
options, for example online dating, alcohol, self-satisfac
tion or pets.
Online dating as you get older is not easy. It’s kind of
like slow speed dating, where you get a certain amount
of time to tell people about yourself and try to keep them
interested long enough to finish your story. The worst part
is that they never get to the end of the story, because they
forgot what they were talking about.
They do have special dating sites for seniors. “Old and
in the Way,” you have to be over 90 to join. There is the
Jewish website, “Plenty of Gefilte Fish,” and also “What
Time” for the forgetful senior.
You’re probably thinking at this point, “Why does this
guy think he is an expert on seniors?” Well, I am over 65
and am rich and single. At least my name is Rich.
I’ve been married over 40 years, when you sum up all of
my marriages. Actually, I’ve been divorced twice, but each
one was mutual. They would say, “Leave now,” and I would
say, “OK.” It was kind of sad, because each left for a friend
of mine, and I miss those guys.
I should have known that the marriages were in trou
ble when my spouses’ interpretation of getting lucky was
me falling asleep before asking for sex. I’m pretty good at
kissing though. I practice a lot—mirrors, dogs, etc. I got to
first base the other day, but then got picked off.
Enough about me, as there is so much more to learn
about seniors. Sometimes it’s hard to tell someone’s age,
because they dye their hair and are in good shape. If you
see someone in the express lane with 30 items, who then
writes a check, they are probably a senior.
Another dead give away is when they walk with deter
mination to another room and come back with a puzzled
look of why they went there. They are probably a senior.
If you see an older person with younger kids, they are
probably a senior, or possibly a pervert.
You can always drop your keys to the ground and a
senior will bend down to pick them up 99% of the time,
but it may take them a while to get back up.
Many seniors have a fair amount of free time, because
they are retired. Some use it to drive back and forth
between doctors, so they can tell their friends what hurts
them. It’s almost like a competition when they get together
with their friends to see who has had more operations.
Some have become hypochondriacs just so that they can
compete with some of their sicker friends. Thank goodness
they have a placebo to cure that terrible disease!
Many use their time for volunteer work. Some deliver
Meals on Wheels to themselves.
The most important thing that you need to know is that
if you are walking into a building, run ahead of the senior
and get the door for them. It pisses them off, as they think,
“You don’t think that I can open this door by myself, you
little shit?”
Adopt a senior today, or at the very least, make believe
that you are interested in what they have to say.
The Chain Is Broken
By Jesmond cooper
Locked in shackles chained in chains don’t play with your
life it’s not a game
Don’t do it for the fame don’t do it for the money you’ll
gain
I know a lot of people wished they could’ve changed before
they were locked in the chains
the chain is broken even though the locks won’t open you
left your family hoping now all they have left is a few
portraits and a chain that is broken
think about this and don’t you forget
don’t be the one to leave the chain broken and the locks
unopened don’t do it for the fame or the money you’ll
gain be the change while the cage is still open ©
18 FLAGPOLE.COM | DECEMBER 29, 2021 & JANUARY 5, 2022