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VOL UM E THKEE
HUMVEE FIVE
WHAT WE THINK OF WHAT WE SEE
Yes, this early spring is favorable to baseball.
n
Mention has been made of the fact that there
will be a full moon on the night of St. Patrick’s
Day. A happy choice of occasion.
The Pall Mall Gazette in a recent article states
that “Kings are a necessity.” That is true in mo»t
games —but aces are so very much more desirable.
*
It is stated by a leading ladies’ magazine that
“roasting is almost a lost art.” We feel sure that
this department is edited by a young unmarried
woman.
“The way the skirts should be carried depends
on the walking.”—Sioux City Journal. Isn’t the
figure really the controlling factor?
Mention is made by the Denver Republican of a
hen who lays eggs that are not egg-shaped. We
wonder whether this is a case of nature-faking or
of scab workmanship?
The Denver convention is to be held in a hall
that is a full mile from the nearest saloon. The
street railway people and the cab companies must
have had a hand in this.
It has just been declared by a scientist that to
bacco is a benefit to the human race. Just our
luck. We have just succeeded in quitting it on
the advice of other prominent scientists.
The Marion (Kan.) Record has a statistician cn
the force who computes that if all the hogs in Kan
sas were rolled into one big hog it. could dig the
Panama Canal in two roots and a half.
. H
An Oklahoma legislator wants a law passed for
bidding the eating of snakes. We thought that the
Prohibition plank in the Constitution of that com
monwealth had arranged so that the folks could
not even see snakes.
“Married life develops will power,” is a state
ment made by a German scientist. In whom? In
the wife or the husband? Or is it in the unmarried
men friends of the husband —who resolve never to
wed?
R
How is this? First Boy —“Your old man is a
mean guy, all right. He’s a tailor and lets you
wear those old, raggedy pants.” Second Boy—
“He ain’t any meaner than your old man. He’s a
dentist, and yet your baby sister’s only got two
teeth.”
ATLANTA, GA., MARCH 19, 1908.
9y A. E. KA MSA UR, Managing Editor.
A suit for SI,OOO damages has been brought
against the Southern Railway by a young lady
who, through an error of the station matron, was
compelled to spend a night in Rome, Georgia. We
didn’t think Rome was nearly so bad as that.
Determined efforts are being made in St. Louis to
stop public profanity in that town. Maybe the na
tives have become reconciled to residence there and
can be induced to confine their profanity to private
occasions.; but the stranger should be allowed to ex
press his opinion freely.
*
Fashion note from Ellsberry (Kan.) Democrat:
“All the change we can see in women’s hats since
last season, is that they turned the kitchen around
so that it faces the street, and put the front porch
in the back yard. Some of them have had another
story of brick added to the chimney and re-shingled
with expensive plumes.”
*
We have been enabled, through an exchange, to
add another to the list of curious epitaphs. This
is one by a bachelor who died repentant, and wished,
by his gravestone advice to others, to undo in part
his failure in life. The epitaph, over the body of
Hugh Dewitt, who died at Fayette, Ind., at the
age of ninety-three, is as follows:
“A bachelor lies beneath this sod
Who disobeyed the laws of God.
Advice to others thus I give,
Don’t live a batch as I did live.”
“As a matter of cold fact, statistics show that
accident insurance companies pay more losses to
people who get injured in their own homes or on
their premises than they do to people hurt in rail
way accidents. Insurance companies pay more
money to people who get hurt hanging pictures
or taking stoves apart than they do to the vic
tims of head-on collisions. It sounds strange, but
it’s the truth.” —A prominent insurance man in
the Kansas City Journal. Now; after we have pub
lished that, the head of a household who won’t
subscribe for this paper and swear by this depart
ment, is a pretty sorry specimen.
This story is told as having occurred in a small
town in the sunny South: At a lyceum entertain
ment the special feature of the evening was a
magician and sleight-of-hand performer. An old
colored lady presented herself early, demanded a
seat in the very front row of the section reserved
for colored folk, and got it. When the magician
appeared he first placed a piece of red flannel over
a newspaper and read the news through the flan
nel. The old colored mammy began to squirm
about. Then the magician doubled the flannel and
read the paper through the double'thickness. The
old mammy was heard to say to her neighbor:
“Lor’, chile, I got to git out o’ dis.” Her neigh
bor tried to reassure her, telling her the magician
would not harm her in the slightest way. “I know
dat,” she said, “but dis hain’t no place fo’ a
’spectable cullud lady wif’ only a calico dress on.”
“At last it has filtered through the country that
St. Louis has the clearest drinking water of any
large city in America.”—St. Louis Times. And the
beauty about it is that it is used more economical
ly in that town than any other in America.
The following advertisement has been appear
ing in an English paper: “Wanted, a young man,
aged twenty-two, able to cook, scrub, paint, drive,
look after a pair of horses, clean a carriage, feed
cattle, clean boots, windows, etc., and make himself
generally useful.” It is presumed that the family
already has a nurse and that the washing is sent
out.
*
Mrs. M. B. Blonke, of the West End (Chicago)
Mothers’ Club, has developed a new theory of rear
ing babies. She declared in an address before the
Congress of Mothers recently: “Not only can the
baby be eased of its colicky pains, but the maid
can be made to cook the meal better, and father can
be inveigled into a civil appreciation of his break
fast once in a while by music.
“If baby cries, don’t dose or punish him. It
isn’t colic that worries him. He is not in proper
vibration with surrounding things. Sing him some
thing cheerful. ‘Good Morning, Merry Sunshine,
How Did You Come So Soon?’ is good. So also is
the woodpecker verse, ‘Tap, tap, tap.’ ”
And just to think that when we were growing
up the prevalent idea W’as that a shingle or a
slipper was the proper instrument to place us
in proper vibration with surrounding things!
From the Wayne County (Mo.) Journal: “Claude
Goforth is one of the witnesses who failed to show
up Wednesday morning. It is feared that Mr.
Goforth went forth to keep from coming forth be
fore Judge Fort. A certain gentleman saw Mr. Go
forth at the depot Monday night, and seeing that
Mr. Goforth intended to go forth, went forth and
telephoned Mr. Meador to come forth and prevent
Mr. Goforth from going forth. Mr. Meador came
forth, but failed to keep Mr. Goforth from going
forth, as Mr. Goforth went forth upon seeing Mr.
Meador coming forth. Thus the state was forced
to forego Mr. Goforth’s evidence Wednesday morn
ing. But the sheriff will go forth and bring forth
Mr. Goforth to court on April 20, and Judge Fort
will probably come forth and make Mr. Goforth
very sorry that he went forth instead of coming
forth Wednesday morning.” And so forth.
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