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VOL UJt E TH KE E
nu MST. « EIGHT
WHAT WE THINK OF WHAT WE SEE
There are 350 unemployed bartenders in Boston.
There are a lot of openings in the truck-growing
line in this section.
A preacher says: 1 ‘The man who kisses a single
woman should be shot.” Certainly —but most men
who are caught kissing the married ones are shot;
so what can be done? What’s the answer?
Emma Goldman is said to have remarked: li I
will talk when I please.” Now after learning this
we refuse to say anything unkind about her hus
band if he runs away.
* H
It is reported that the North Pole has moved and
the suggestion has been made that the rents are
growing higher in that locality. Maybe there are
indications that the prohibition wave will soon reach
there.
A missing New Orleans banker has been indicted
for “misapplication and abstraction” of several
hundred thousand dollars of the bank’s funds. It
certainly ought to comfort his friends to reflect that
he didn’t just steal that money.
A late definition of love makes it “protoplasmic
hunger.” And then after matrimony has occurred
there is another kind of hunger developed quite fre
quently. It is the plain, old-fashioned yearning that
is best treated with meat and pot-licker.
A news item tells of a couple named Kill spending
their honeymoon riding on mules from Cincinnati to
St. Louis. Is that to make the journey last longer,
or because they will feel more congenial in company
with mules when they reach their destination?
Maybe the reason “Billy” Sunday, the evangel
ist, would rather start a revival in Hades than at
Harvard is that he feels sure the mourner’s bench
would be more crowded in the former place. Don’t
you know they would be thankful to have another
chance ?
Here is a pretty fair sample of an Irish joke:
The ship doctor of an English liner notified the
death-watch steward, an Irishman, that a man had
died in stateroom 45. The usual instructions to
bury the body were given. Some hours later the
doctor peeked into room 45 and saw that the body
was still there. He called the Irishman’s attention
to the matter and the latter replied:
“I thought you said room 4C. I wint to that
room and noticed wan of thim in a bunk. ‘Are ye
dead?’ says I. ‘No,’ says he, ‘but I’m pretty near
dead.’ So I buried him.”
ATLANTA, GA., APRIL 9, 1908.
Sy A. E. RAMSAUR. Managing Editor.
If the campaign button manufacturers, instead of
worrying so about whose picture to use, would de
vise a button that would be of use after the excite
ment is over, in maintaining close relations between
the breeches and the gallus, they would not stand
in so much danger of losing money.
A Chicago jury has decided that SSO hats are not
properly included in “necessary household ex
penses” for which a husband is legally liable. The
poor, downtrodden husbands of this fair land are
going to get their rights at last. But when it comes
to heroes, what’s the mater with those jurors?
The Portland Oregonian, a publication usually re
markable for the sound sense of its editorial ut
terances, says that “The two meanest words in the
language are ‘if’ and ‘but.’ ” The author of that
remark must be a young man who never heard
“no” in reply to a request for slight accommoda
tion of a financial character.
*
In Marion, Ind., the other day, a strenuous hand
shake between two friends caused one of them to
be paralyzed. And every day we read something
about the fifty-seven different diseases that are like
ly to be communicated by a kiss. The day is com
ing when it won’t be safe to throw rocks over the
yard fence at a friend byway of greeting.
•S *
A man in Boston has offered a reward of SSO for
a method of curing his parrot of repeating profan
ity. The bird will probably be fully cured in the
following manner: Grasp the body firmly with one
hand. With the other hand gently but firmly turn
the head through twenty-three full revolutions.
Then move the hands suddenly as far apart as pos
sible. Dispose of the results as common sense dic
tates.
*
Now what do you think of this for a mercenary
young man?
“Yes,” said the old man, addressing his visitor,
“I am proud of my girls, and should like to see
them all comfortably married; and as I’ve made a
little money, they won’t go to their husbands pen
niless. There’s Margaret, twenty-five years old, and
a real good girl. I shall give her five thousand dol
lars when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won’t
see thirty-five again, and she’ll have ten thousand
dollars, and the man who takes Dora, who is forty,
will have fifteen thousand dollars with her.”
The young man reflected a moment or so, and then
nervously inquired, “You haven’t one about fifty,
have you?”
That style counts for something in tablecloths as
well as everything else, is illustrated by the fol
lowing story:
An elderly woman asked to be shown some table
cloths. The salesman brought a pile and showed
them to her but she Was not pleased with any of
them.
“Haven’t you something new?” she asked.
The man brought another pile. “These are the
newest patterns,” he said. “You will notice the
edge runs right around the border, and the center
is in the middle.”
“Dear me, yes. I will take half a dozen of
those,” said the woman.
H *
The Hon. Jim Griggs of Georgia has recently
proven himself a friend of the peepul by his utter
ances in favor of an increased appropriation for the
Bureau of Soils. The member of the Agricultural
Committee from Oyster Bay opposed the increase,
and Mr. Griggs opposed him as follows:
“I do not blame the gentleman from Oyster Bay,
who only grows members of the House of Repre
sentatives, asparagus, oysters, clams, Presidents of
the United States, and Secretaries of the Treasury.
I do not blame him for being opposed to this amend
ment. I do not blame a man for opposing soil sur
veys who can do all this. You get so arrogant that
you forget the common farmers throughout the
United States. You never did know their needs,
and if you find them out now through what many
of us on this side of the House, and a few on that
side, have told you, you do not care anything about
it. Yet you believe yourselves to be the great lead
ers of agriculture. You have met together in sol
emn conclave and prepared a bill which you thought
ought to go through without amendment. Why?
You have not offered a solitary reason this after
noon, except that you think you know more about
it than anybody else. I never belonged to this
Agricultural Committee, but I did at one time be
long to a better one than ever sat in this House.
An old gray mule and myself made up the commit
tee. I was the chairman. If you agriculturalists
knew anything about that, you would be in favor
of increasing this appropriation just as we are to
day. We never had any amendments offered to our
bills. They were accepted just as we agreed on them.
We had no trouble about time to speak. I cussed
when the plow handle hit me, and the mule brayed
when the horn blew. Some one, many years ago,
announced the great truth that before the hammer
hit upon the anvil, before the fires blazed in the
forges, the cultivation of the soil began. We must
depend on the farmer at last. Let us hold up his
hands as he moves along, the basis of our greatness
as a people. ’ ’
TWO DOLL AUS A YEAH.
TIVE CENTS A COPY.
