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VOLUME THREE
HU Mt ER TWENTY-SEVEN
WHAT WE IHINK OF WHAT WE SEE
Recent tests of “near bear” show that it is in
deed “near” and not so far as it once was.
•t
An article in an exchange states that “meat is on
the jump.” Must be coming in early with quota
tions on rabbits.
Tommy (coming home from an afternoon party) :
“Mamma, darling, I’ve a great favor to ask of you.
Please don’t ask me how 1 behaved.”
Tn a certain section of Kansas City only eight
bathtubs were found in eight hundred homes. Yes,
this is the Kansas City that is in Missouri.
A current magazine contains an article on “How
to dress at a summer hotel.” We would prefer
being told how to dress in a Pullman berth. Yes?
The Bookman says, “If there were no villains
there would be no novels.” Now that is a sweet
way for a leading publication to talk about the
authors of the country!
Some people are complaining because Mr. Thos.
Watson makes the same campaign speech more than
once. It does lessen the chances of his ever forge,<
ting any of it, doesn't it?
A woman in New Jersey is suffering from blood
poisoning as a result of carrying money in her stock
ings. Mavbe she didn’t turn the hose on her money
often enough.
“Fingy” Conners is reported as saying that he
can buy all the brains he wants at $25 per week.
Maybe so, but we would prefer to vary the diet
with liver and bacon occasionally.
r
A man in Pike county. Mo., states that he has
several times dreamed that Mr. Bryan has been
installed in the White House. It is a shame, isn't
it, the way people are pestered by foolish dreams?
A Pittsburg girl is advertising that she has $450
in the bank and wants to get married “in order to
leave the pickle factory.” She is laboring under
the sad delusion that matrimony is a confectionery
and ice-cream parlor. Alas!
R
In Noblesville, Ind., there was recently held an
oratorical contest for a gold medal. Among the
contestants were a woman and her husband. M hat ?
Yes, the woman won the medal. Think of the san
guine temperament that man had!
ATLANTA, GA., AUGUST 20. 1908.
By A. E. BUMS AUK, Managing Editor
A crusade has been started in the New Jersey
schools against fairy tales. Quite right. Why
should children’s time be wasted in learning tales
which they can easily excel without half trying as
soon as they grow up and are married?
A man out in Indiana has sworn not to paint his
house until Mr. Bryan is elected President. He
would have shown more sense and would perhaps
have dedicated himself to eternal sobriety, if he
had sworn never to paint the town red until the
occurrence of that event. What? Y'es, we really
think so.
It is being noted in the newspapers that Aunt
Carrie Nation is worth about $200,000. And we
may now expect a lot of people who have been
saying they wouldn’t allow Aunt Carrie to kiss
them; and that she wouldn’t look well in a sheath
gown, to come out in cards earnestly declaring that
they were misquoted.
We see credited to a foreign publication the
statement that there are only three great problems
vexing humanity today: The immortality of the
soul, perpetual motion, and women’s hats. And do
you know, we have been worrying about a lot of
things lately, none of which was included in the
list given.
“Mr. Johnson,” said the rhetoric teacher, “what
is the absurdity of this figure of speech: ‘At this
time the Emperor Frederick hatched out a scheme.’
etc?” “It seems to be all right,” replied Johnson,
after some reflection. “It does? Explain, if you
please, “how he could have ‘hatched’ out a
scheme?” ■
“Well,” said Johnson, “he might have had h;s
mind set on it.”
»*
It was claimed at the recent Washington meeting
of the National Negro-American Independence Po
litical League that the League represented a “vot
ing strength of 8,000,000.” As the census report
of 1900 places the negro population of the country
at 8,849,789, and the males over 21 at 2,865,988, it
looks like the negro party, like all the others, is
harking back to old-time principles and old-fashioned
methods of getting out the “solid vote.”
*
A story is being told of the very absent-minded
old librarian who could not find his umbrella when
he started home one evening, and who tried to find
it by looking in the card index under the letter U.
He was almost as bad as the near-sighted professor
who lost his glasses and went industriously to work
to find them. He looked in his pockets, on the
mantel, on the chairs, behind the bookcase, on the
chandelier, behind the pictures on the wall, in the
cuspidor, on the table, and finally, getting madder
every minute, got down on the floor under the ta
ble. There he found them, and clapping them on his
nose, triumphantly exclaimed: “There! Now I
guess I can see better to look for the pesky
things!”
Dr. McNamara, a member of the British Parlia
ment, tells a story of a school teacher who was
trying to convey the meaning of pity to the mem
bers of his class, lie illustrated it. “Supposing,’’
he said, “a man working on the river bank suddenly
fell in. He could not swim, and would be in dan
ger of drowning. Picture the scene, boys and girl-?.
The man’s sudden fall, the cry for help. His wife,
knowing bis peril, and hearing his screams, rushed
immediately to the bank. Why does she rush to the
bank?”
After a pause, a small voice piped forth: “Please,
sir, to draw his insurance money.”
We find in the Westminster Gazette the follow
ing account of a touching epitaph:
“The old parish church of Plumstead, which has
just been reopened, is probably at least a thousand
years old. The picturesque churchyard, a cherished
haunt of the poet Bloomfield during his visits to
Shooters Hill, contains a delightfully choice ‘de
rangement of epitaphs.’ One of these, on ‘Master
James Darling, aged 10,’ teaches a lesson of moder
ation during the present cherry season to the youth
of other places besides Plumstead. Speaking from
his tombstone, Master Darling exclaims:
“ ‘The hammer of Death was given to me
For eating the cherries off the tree.’ ”
Poor Jim!
•8
It is a common belief that the negro’s head is
hard, capable of withstanding almost any blow.
1 he following story told by a certain prominent
young dentist of Danville, Ky., would seem to indi
cate something of the kind anyhow. Two negro
men were employed in tearing down a three-story
brick building. One negro was on top of the build
ing taking off the bricks and sliding them down a
narrow wooden chute to the ground, some thirty
feet below, where the other was picking them up
and piling them.
When this latter negro was stooping over to pick
up a brick the former accidentally let one fall,
striking him directly on the head.
Instead of its killing him he merely looked up,
without rising, and said, “What you doin’ thar,
niggar, you make me bite my tongue.”
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