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Up-to-Date Jokes
Harry l.auder tell this story:
“A certain nobleman was introduced
to me at the Tivoli one night,” the
Scotch comedian is reported to have
said. "He asked me to dine with him.
1 accepfed and then he hesitated and
said:
*‘l don't mean, dine at my home, ]
you know. My wife doesn't upm'u\'vl
of music hall people, you know. I
mean dine at my club. ;
“At your club?’ eaid I, with a hor
rified look. °*Oh, no! No, thank 4\uu.|
my lord. I'm sorry td# have to de
cline, but the fact is, you know, m_\'!
wife doesn't—er approve of rlu‘.n-!
men.'” -
. * 0w . ’
A clergyman, taking occasional duty |
for a friend in one of the moorland
churches of a remote part of I-Jnglund,l
was greatly scandalized on® observing |
the old verger, who had been collect
ing the offertory, quietly abstract a
half-crown before presenting the
plate at the altar rails.
After service he called the old man
into the vestryy” and told him with
emotion that his crime had been dis
covered. The verger looked puzzled,'
Then a sudden light dawned on him.
“Why, sir, you doan’'t mean that
ould half erown ow mine! Why, Oi've
led off with he the last fifteen years!”
* * .
Smith, a master bricklayer, i the
faeanesy man on earth. For the nmsl|
trivial l\fl'o-ns(‘ he makes deductions
from his workmen’s wages.
Only the other day a bricklayer
who was repairing a church tower
sitpped and fell off the high scaffold
ing. Lauckily for him, however, a
friendly nail caught in his clothing
and held him safely till he was res
cued by his comrades.
It so chanced that Smith was pass
ing at the time. When on pay day
the bricklayer received his wages it
was accompanied by the following
note:
“Time steopped, fifteen minutes for
hanging on nail —ten cents.” 1
“Now, Tony, if there were nineteen |
sheep in a fleld and seven jumped
over a wall, how many would be left?”
“None, Miss Stowe.” ‘
*No, Tony, think again, There were
nineteen sheep and seven jumped over
the wall.”
“Well Miss Stowe, 1 think I know
what you mean; but, really, Miss
Stowe, vou may Kknow arithmetic,
but yvou don't-know sheep.”
+ *® W
The teacher had noticed something
queer about the rendering of a cer
tain line of a hymn frequently used
in morning schoeol. One morning she
determined to get to the bottom «f
the mystery., Listening intently, she
iraced the peculiarity to Johnny.
“Sing it by vourself, Johnny,' she
commanded, Johnny did so, and in
stead of the line “Weak and sinful
though we be,” he gave as his ren
dering, "We can gsing, Wll though we
b
His c¢hubby appearance might be
taken as evidence of the probability
of his assertion.
£ % %
Mrs. . Smith was an ardent worker in
the cause of the prevention of cruelty
to animals, and when Mrs, Browy
came to tea, told her a pathetic tale of
a coster's donkey that she had rescued
from a cruel master the day before.
- The visitor was very interested, and
when she rose (o go said:
“1 am so glad you have told me all
those fascinating things about ani
mals, dear Mrs. Smith. [ shall never
see a donkey again without thinking
of vou.”
* * *
This story is told of a dog thiel
who was arguing about honesty:
“Maybe you don't believe it, Jit,"
he said to his pal; “but I want to say
right here that honesty is the hest
policy, after all. You know that dog
what I stole a few days ago, dont
you? Well, for a whole week [ tried
to sell him for $2, an' couldn’'t do it,
an’ then I took him back to the lidy
what 1 stole him from, an' she give
me SSH."
WL R
Overheard in a quiet corner of the
baliroom:
He—l adore you; but, unfortunate
v, 1 am as poor as Job. Still, T have
a rich uncle of 60 who enjoys very
poor health,
She—ls he married ?
He—No.
She-—\Well, my dear friend, it wouid
be silly to rush headlong into miserv;
come, be reasonable, give me up, and
introduce me to your uncle without
delay.
The return home of the (truant
“Mona Lisa' recalled a good story. A
second-hand picture dealer was try
ing to sell what he described as a
genuine Raphael “The signature
does not look like Raphael,” re
marked the prospective customer,
using his magnifying glass, "It reads
more like ‘Rachel!’ "
+Ah'" gaid the dealer, "I will tell
vou the history of that Whesn
Ridphael painted that picture he was
in rather low water, so put it in the
wife's name for safety!"
* * *
A landlady whose reputation for
overfeeding her boarders was not
ereat brought in the supper tray, and
after she had set the various items
before the solitary boarder, she said,
“Shall I light the gas?”
The lone one looked at the scanty
meal before him, and replied:
“Well, no, it isn't necessary—the
supper is light enough.” )
* * -
A certain bishop said to his chap
in: "What s wit?
The chaplain replied: ‘“The rectory
of A—— is vacant; give it to me, and
that will be wit.”
“Prove it,” rejoined his lordship,
“and you shall have it." .
“It would be a good thing well ap
plied,” was the ready answer,
After twelve months in office the
chairman of a West Wales parish coun
cil was about to give up his position.
*“And now, gentlemen,'' he said. with
feeling, ‘the time has come for me to
vaceinate the chair’”
The Weekly Geor
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A Lake of Soap
One of Nature's marvels is to he seen
in the northeast corner of the State of
Washington. It is a lake which bears
the name of Soap lake, and is three
miles in length by one mile in breadth.
The water in the lake tastes like a
mixture of soap and salt, and its pe
culiar properties are such that when the
water is heated no soap is required for
a bath, for as soon as the water comes
into-contact with the natural oil of the
skin, and is gently rubbed, it forms a
beautiful lather. .
The only drawback is that when ap
plied to the head one's hair is apt to
turn from its natural color ‘o a dusty
red, if not wash-d with fresh water
'n other words, it bleaches, the soda in
the water n) doub. being the cause of
this.
The Soap Lake is known all over the
State m a«count of its wenderinl heual
ing properties. Indeed, it iz asserted
that its waters provide a cure for all
the ills the flesh is heir to. Rheama
tism, skin diseases, stemach und blood
disorders all scem o give way to the
miraculous powers of the waters, and
scoers of people go there for the pur
puse of curing thelaselves of these
various conplaints.
A 8 a matter of act, the waicts of the
Yake hay 2 hean known 1o the Intans for
venerations past on acecent of thelr
wondertul cvrative powers, anid even at
the presint time patrties of thepi camp
at the head of the lake during the suq
mer niontha,
“in 1) e sacres of the lake are variovs
sanatoria. which remain open all the
year reund and attract many visiiors,
who ¢ome in search of health,
s
HIS SAFETY VALVE.
The class was in one of its bad moods
that afternoon. Time after time the
master in charge had had to suppresg
uncalled-for merriment and other petty
insubordinations.
He was beginning to grow angry,
when from somewhere came another
muffled peal of laughter. The master
glared around the class, and, in his
fiercest voice, called on the miscreant
to confess,
‘“Please, sir, it was me,’’ answered a
small boy at the back of the raom.
“But I didn’t mean to do it.”
“Didn't mean to do it!" roared the
teacher. ‘'Thengwhy did you do it?”
“Please, sir.""epliod the incorrigible
one, ‘it just escaped. I laughed up my
sleeve, forgetting there was a hole in
the elbow!’
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THE GEORGIAN