About Dawson County news. (Dawsonville, Georgia) 2015-current | View Entire Issue (May 10, 2023)
PAGE 7 A Send a letter to the editor to P.O. Box 1600, Dawsonville, GA 30534; fax (706) 265-3276; or email to editor@dawsonnews.com. DawsonOpinion WEDNESDAY, MAY 10,2023 This is a page of opinion — ours, yours and others. Signed columns and cartoons are the opinions of the writers and artists, and they may not reflect our views. The bare facts about gardeners working nude The things I do for you. While other columnists prattle on about stuff like the war in Ukraine, the economy, whether Donald Trump goes to jail or back to the White House, whether Joe Biden has a pulse or not, and the underly ing factors behind the rising cost of kum- quats, I seek out subjects designed specifi cally for your interest and edification that the prattlers overlook. No applause, please. I’m just doing my job. This leads me to an item I feel sure you won’t see or hear anywhere elsewhere but on these pages. While digging through my emails recently, I came across this, shall we say, revelation. A firm called LawnStarter, which lets people reserve lawn care services through a website or a mobile app, has uncovered (pardon the pun) the best and worst cities in America for naked gardeners. Tell me you have read this in the Wall Street Journal or seen it on the evening news. I didn’t think so. Of particular relevance is that Atlanta, aka, Malfunction Junction, where the sew ers don’t work and neither do a number of its citizens, ranks as the third best city for naked gardeners in the whole of these, the United States, trailing only Miami and Austin, Texas. I am awaiting a news release from the Chamber of Commerce extoling this latest civic accomplishment. No doubt it will be coming. One thing Atlanta can do better than anybody is brag. It is said that if the city could suck like it can blow, it would have the Atlantic Ocean at its doorstep. I should not be so harsh about our state’s capitol city. I owe Atlanta a great debt. When the 1996 Centennial Games were over, I was asked to write a guest column for a local business publication about how the city had fared during those days. I was not kind. I said the Games them selves were great. The city government, the local media and the business community were not. They gave new meaning to the term “malfunction junction.” I added that Atlanta was no longer the next Great International City, as it billed itself. Charlotte, North Carolina, had taken that title along with all the city’s bank head quarters. As a result of that original screed, I was asked to write another column and then another and 25 years later, I am still at it. As an aside, Charlotte comes in a pitiful 14th in the LawnStarter survey as a desir able location for nude gardeners. I guess they will just have to make do with having Atlanta’s former bank headquarters. How did LawnStarter determine the best places to shuck your clothes as you shuck your corn? The company said it compared the 200 biggest U.S. cities on factors like nudist population, indecent exposure laws and gardener-friendliness. They say they also looked at other such things such as weather forecasts, sex offender listings and access to waxing salons. I’m not sure what waxing salons have to do growing cucum bers in the nude, but I am also not sure we would want to know the answer. A professor at NYU was quoted in the LawnStarter survey as saying that the ben efits of naked gardening can be an increase in vitamin D, learning to feel comfortable in your skin and exploring new physical sensations. (Don’t ask.) Dangers include sunburn, accidental injury and getting bug bites where you don’t want them. (Don’t ask.) Not to go all biblical on you, but I have to wonder what would have happened in the Garden of Eden had LawnStarter been there telling Adam and Eve that nude gar dening is no big thing and nobody would care if they ate an apple. It would have cer tainly salvaged the poor serpent’s reputa tion. He could have rightfully blamed LawnStarter for the whole sorry episode and then watched gleefully as God made them crawl on their bellies forever for, among other things, publishing kinky sur veys. I felt it important to share these bare facts about nude gardening with you today so that when your know-it-all friends start talking to you about the war in Ukraine or the economy or presidential politics or the rising cost of kumquats, you can smile knowingly and tell them you already know all of that stuff. Then you can ask them if they are aware that Atlanta is the third best city in America for picking peas minus your BVDs and see the look of awe on their faces. The things I do for you. You can reach Dick Yarbrough atdick@dick- yarbrough.com; at P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, GA 31139; online atdickyarbrough.com or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/dickyarb. Reaching out to the other mothers As I waited in the check out line the other day, I didn’t mind that the cashier was taking a few extra min utes to chat with the cus tomer ahead of me. I had an hour before my hair appointment to kill and since I abhor self-checkouts, I thought it was nice to actually be privy to their conversation. “I’m getting this for my mother-in- law,” the lady said. “I hope she enjoys it.” “That's so sweet of you,” the cashier said. “I’m sure she will.” The lady smiled wanly. “I dunno. It’s for Mother’s Day. She's like my second mom. I don’t know if it’s enough.” The cashier gave the lady a gentle smile. “My son is celebrating his anni versary on Mother's Day this year, and I tell him that’s the best gift he ever gave me — my daughter-in-law. I couldn't love her more if she was my own child.” The cashier handed the receipt to the lady and turned to greet me with a smile. “I doubt my mother-in-law says that about me,” I said, adding my input to the conversation. “You don’t think so?” the cashier asked. I shook my head. Don't get me wrong — it’s not neces sarily a strained relationship where she’s been outwardly mean to me. No, Gladys would never do that. She's a Southern lady who would smile sweetly as she told you wild boars were more couth than you were while she poured you a glass of sweet tea. Certain events gave her ample oppor tunity to display her feelings in a gen teel, passive-agressive manner. Such as when Lamar had a bad bike accident shortly after we married. She rushed over with chicken noodle soup and a case of Coke, because Lamar told her he needed real Coke, and not the diet stuff, to help his recovery. She promptly appeared at our door, groceries in hand and made her way to the kitchen to make what she evidently believed a combo that would re-grow the layers of skin he was missing off his backside. As she sat the tray down on the coffee table, I saw her appraising glance at my furniture. One Estee Lauder painted nail went down on the side table and she held it up. “Sudie, what lovely furniture you have. This layer of dust? Is it protective, dear?” “I can’t dust. I'm allergic.” “Oh. is that what you’re telling folks ? Well, maybe Lamar doesn’t mind.” Lamar ate his soup and drank his real Coke in silence. She presented me with a new broom bright and early one Saturday morning. “What’s this for?” I asked. “Oh. dear God, you really don’t know?” “I know it's a broom. Why are you handing it to me?” “I thought you needed one.” “What makes you think that?” She glanced past me into the house, “Yours is evidently broken.” Lamar sat at the table, eating break fast. again in silence. Tales of my housekeeping skills and lack thereof have been reported at prob ably every opportunity. My mother-in- law loves to run tell how messy I am, with books and coffee cups stacked everywhere, and how my office makes her wonder how I ever get anything done. She fussed about the dogs being inside — three of them at the time were Lamar's when we married. “They’re the family we get to choose,” I said pointedly. SUDIE CROUCH Columnist She complained about how I folded laundry. “Lamar does not care how his drawers get in the drawers, just as long as they're in there.” She only conceded when it came to my cooking, praising my biscuits to the heavens, even requesting them for fami ly lunches when we lived minutes away from her. “You sure you want me to make the biscuits?” I asked. “You aren’t worried they’ll be made in a house with all that dust that could be lethal to a rhino?” She gave her tinkling laugh. “Oh, don’t be so dramatic. I know Lamar helps clean the kitchen.” We had a spat one year — I can’t remember what it was about — but we didn’t really talk for a few years. Still, I sent her pictures of Cole and cards, without even telling Lamar I was doing it until later. He was surprised at the news. “Well, she’s your mother and Cole's grandmother.” I knew it wasn’t some thing Lamar would do, and despite our then differences, I didn’t want her to be cut off from our branch of the family tree. I also knew that one day, I’d be a mother-in-law myself and I hoped who ever Cole marries would be someone who would still make an effort to keep in touch. Actually, I prayed that like the cashier, I loved her like my own child and that she would love me. Maybe by the time that happens, I will have the wisdom of those other mothers so I could make sure that was the case. “I’m sure she does love you,” the cashier said, interrupting my reverie. I smiled as I took my bags. “I’m sure in her own way, she does.” Sudie Crouch is an award winning humor columnist and author. Ukraine offering Russian soldiers choice to switch sides By Dr. Larry Anderson Anderson Family Medicine The fog of war can be mystifying. Sorting out what is true, what is real and what is actually happening can be difficult. What is true now may not be true 5 minutes later. The city of Bakhmut, which is in eastern Ukraine, is being held by a Russian mercenary group called Wagner. They had said they would pull out of Bakhmut because of no ammunition, food or medical sup plies. Then at the last minute, Russia assured Wagner that ammunition, food, and medical supplies were on the way. Wagner is now staying put. This does imply that Russia is hav ing supply chain issues. Sometimes you want a better home to come to. Ukraine started an “I want to live” program. This is a hotline for Russian soldiers to call and switch sides. They have received over 4000 calls and have processed over 1900 Russian soldiers that want to leave the army and come to Ukraine. These soldiers range from privates to senior commanders. They can provide valuable intelligence for the Ukrainians. These soldiers are well vetted and some end up in a program similar to our witness protection program. Their reasons for switching sides has to do more with their living con ditions, how they see Ukrainian pris oners are treated, are they being well fed and taken care of, what tortures they are witnessing. When they enter this program, they know they are classified as prisoners of war. Ukraine is a signatory of the Geneva Convention and this dictates how prisoners are treated. They even get to call home. There is a lot at stake with this battle between Ukraine and Russia. They must not falter. Pray for peace for the Ukrainians, and for the Russians to go home to their families. Be safe. Thanks for reading. Letter policy Letters should be limited to 350 words and may be edited or condensed.The same writer or group may only submit one letter per month for consideration. Letters must be submitted by noon Friday for midweek publi cation. We do not publish poetry or blanket letters and generally do not publish letters concerning consumer complaints. Unsigned or incorrectly identified letters will be withheld. Mail letters to the Dawson County News, P.O. Box 1600, Dawsonville, GA 30534, hand deliver to 30 Shoal Creek Road or email to editor@dawsonnews. com.
