AMPERSAND | FEB/MAR 2014 29
Department of Human Development and Family
Science, adds to this idea of compatibility. A licensed
marriage and family therapist and professional
counselor, she explains through email that shared
interests and chemistry are crucial connectors at the
beginning of a relationship.
“Engaging in similar interests,” she says, “builds
shared experiences so you can draw on
them if/when your interests diverge or
your viewpoints/priorities change over
different life stages.”
Coupled with Schwartz’s suggestions
that compatibility is complex and indi
vidual, though, Gonyea says that “the
best and most important contribution
to selecting someone with whom you
can have a long-lasting, satisfying, happy
relationship is to know yourself well.”
So what exactly does this process of self-discovery
entail? Gonyea says it “involves being open to feedback,
striving to be an emotionally healthy person who can
learn from mistakes [and] express remorse,” but also
“constantly learning who you are and what you want
over the course of your life.”
“Think about it this way,” she says, “if you aren’t
sure who YOU are, ho do you really know who you
are compatible with anyway?”
For bumbling 20-somethings like me who
are just trying to choose the right
career path, this self-knowledge sounds
like a tall order. But it explains why dating
can be so complicated at our age: we’re still
figuring ourselves out.
There is no foolproof way to mea
sure compatibility. It may require
physical chemistry and a good combina
tion of interests and personalities, but it also
means being emotionally flexible, knowing
your values and evaluating what attracts you. So while my
stars may not always be perfectly aligned (so to speak)
in the dating game, I take comfort knowing that the
answer to what works best for me comes from within.
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