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HK IS UNANIMOUSLY FOR THE OLD
"WITH, OR WITHOUT, AN APPROPRIATION.
Old Vet’s Valentine.
6Wk F
THE TWO-SOLEFUL LAMENT,
AS TOLD BY THE MAJOR.
He had but one leg—the other he’d lost
In the battle at Horse-Shoe Bend,
So in place of that leg he wore him a peg,
With a cute little knob on the end.
He’d fought for the Guv, as a matter of love—
Kill’d Indian braves by the the score;
Then a pension he carried and never got married,
But liv’d as a bach'lor, galore !
With claw-hammer coat and one-legg’d pants,
His clothing, it cost but a trifle,
So he thought it all right to give each appetite
Full rein, and never one stifle.
The result is quite plain—he was taken with
pain
In his only remaining propeller
And could not go about, on account of his gout,
Without using his crutches, poor feller I
“Hine illae’’—(you know it)—how silly to show it—
His rage on last Valentine day,
When a jolly young maiden, with fun overladen,
Thought a joke on the Old Vet to play.
For there, in your view, he, holds slippers—one
two!
Lillip ;tian o’ermuch for his heft—
With his right foot done up like a three-month
sick pup
And naught but a knob for his left!
The Georgia Scenes.
WHAT WAS THE AILMENT OF
THE BABY.
An Amusing Series of Remarks From
a Mother on The Occasion
of an Accident to The
Young Kid.
[From Harpers’ Edition of the “Georgia Scenes”
by Judge Longstreet.]
Whence comes the gibberish which is
almost invariably used by mothers and
nurses to infants? Take, for example,
the following, which will answer the
two-fold purpose of illustrating my idea
and of exhibiting one of the peculiarities
of the age.
A few days ago I called to spend an
hour in the afternoon with Mr. Slang,
whose wife is the mother of a child
about eight months old.
While I was there, the child in the
adjoining room, began to cry.
“You Rose.” said Mrs. Slang, “quiet
that child!” Rose walked with it and
sang to it, but it did not hush.
“You Rose ! if you do not quiet that
child, I lay I make you.”
“I is tried, ma’am,” said Rose, “an’ he
wouldn’t get hushed.” (Child cries
louder.)
“Fetch him to me, you good-for-noth
ing hussy you. What’s the matter with
him!” reachingout her arms to receive
him.
“I dun know, ma’am.”
“Nhei —nhun —nho—nha’am!’ (mock
ing and grinning at Rose.)
As Rose delivered the child, she gave
visible signs of dodging just as the child
left her arms; and that she might not be
disappointed. Mrs. Slang gave her a box,
in which there seemed to be no anger
mixed at all, and which Rose received
as a matter of course, without even
changing countenance under it.
“Da den!” said Mrs. Slang: “come
elonge muddy (mother). Did nassy
Yosey (Rose) pague muddy thweety chil
lung!” (children) —pressing the child to
her bosom, and rocking it backward and
forward tenderly. “Muddins will whip
py ole nassy Yosey. Ah ! you old uggy
Yosey!” (knocking at Rose playfully.)
‘Da den, muddy did whippy bad Yosey.’
(Child continues crying.)
“Why, what upon earth ails the child!
Rose, you’ve hurt this child somehow or
other!”
“No, ma’am, ‘cla’ I didn’t; I was just
sitt’n down dar in the rock’n-chair ‘long
side o’ Miss Nancy’s bureau, an’ wa’n’t
doin’ noth’n”t all to him, jis playin’ wid
him, and he jis begin to cry heself, when
nobody wa’tn’t doin nothin’ t all to him,
and nobody wa’n’t in dar —nuther sept
jis me and him, and I was— ”
“Nhing—nhing —nhing—and I expect
you hit his head against the bureau.”
“Let muddy see where old bad Yosey
knocky heady ‘gin de bureaus. Muddy
will see,” taking off the child’s cap, and
finding nothing. (Child cries on.)
“Muddy’s baby was hungry. Dat was
what ailes inudder's darling, thweety
ones. Was oho hungry, an’ nobudy
would givy litty darling any sings’t all
for eaty!” (loosing her frock bosom.)
“No, nobody would gim thweety ones
any sings fo’ eat’t all.’ (Ollers the breast
to the child, who rejects it. rolls over,
kicks and screams worse than ever.)
“Hush ! you little brat! I believe it’s
nothing in the world but crossness.
Hush!” (shaking it), “hush, I tell you.”
(Child cries to the ne plus ultra.)
“Why surely a pin must stuck the
child. Yes, was e bad pin din ticky chil
luns. Let muddy see where de uggy pin
did ticky dear prettous creter” (examin
ing). ‘Why no, it isn’t a pin. Why
what can be the matter with the child!
It must have the cholic, surely. Rose,
go bring me the paregoric off the mantel
piece. Yes, muddy’s baby did hab e’tolic.
Dat was what did ail muddy's baby did
nab e tolic. Dat was what did ail mud
dy s prettous darly baby.” (Pressing it to
her bosom, and rocked it. Child cries
on.)
Rose brought the paregoric, handed it,
dodged, and got her expectations realiz
ed as before.
“Now go bring me the sugar and some
water.”
Rose brought them, and delivered both
without the .customary reward ; for at
that instant, the child, being laid perfect
ly still on the lap, hushed.
Ihe paregoric was administered, and
the child received it with only a whim
per now and then. As soon as it recev
ed the medicine, the mother raised it up
and it began to cry.
by. Lord help my soul, what’s the
matter with the child! What have you
done to him, you little hussy?” (rising
aud walking towards Rose.)
9! a >’ .missis, 1 eint done noth’n”t all;
was jis sittin’ down da by Miss Nancy’s
“Y on lie, you slut” (hitting her a pass
ing slap), “I know you've hurt him.
Husli, my baby” (singing the Coquet),
“eon t you cry, your sweetheart will
come by’m’by; da de dum dumdum day,
da de dum diddle dumdum day.” (Child
cries on.)
“Lord help my soul and body, what
can be the matter with my baby!” (tears
coming in her own eyes.) ‘Something’s
the matter withit, I know it is” (laying
the child on her lap, and feeling its arms,
to see whether it flinched at the touch of
any particular part). But the child cried
less while she was feeling it than before.
“Yes, dat was it; wanted lity arms
yubb’d. Mud vill yub its sweet little
arms. ” (Child begins again.)
“V’ hat upon earth can make my baby
cry so! rising and walking to the win
dow. (Stops at the window, and the
child hushed.
“Yes, dat was it : did want to look
out ’e windys. See the pretty chickens.
O-o-o-h ! look at the beauty, rooster ! !
Yonder’s old aunt Betty ! See old aunt
Betty, pickin' up chips. Yes, ole aunt
Betty, pickin' up chip fo’ bake biscuit
so good chilluns. Good aunt Betty fo’
make bicky fo’ sweet baby’s supper.”
(Child begins again.)
“Hoo-o-o! see de windy!” (knocking on
the window. Child screams.)
‘‘You Rose, what have you done to
this child ! You little hussy you, if you
don't tell me how you hurt him, I’ll
whip you as long as *1 can find you.”
“Missis, I 'cla' I never done noth’n”t
all to him. I was jis sett’n down da by
Miss Nancy’s bu—”
“If you say ‘Miss Nancy’s bureau’
to me again, I’ll stuff Miss Nancy’s
bureau down your throat, you little lying
slut. I’m just as sure you’ve hurt him
as if I’d seen you. How did you hurt
him!” 3
Here Rose was reduced to a non plus;
for, upon the peril of having a bureau
stuffed down her throat, she dare not
repeat the oft-told tale, and she knew no
other. She therefore stood mute.
“Julia,” said Mr. Slang, “bring the
child to me, an let me see if I
can discover thecause of his crying,’
Mr. Slang took the child, and com
menced a careful examination of it. He
removed its cap, and beginning at the
crown of its head, he extended, the
search slowly and cautiously downward,
accompanying the eye with the touch of
the finger. He bad not proceeded far in
this way, before he discovered in the
right ear of the child a small feather,
the cause, of course, of all its wailing.
The cause removed, the child soon
changed its tears to smiles, greatly to the
delight of all, and to none more than to
Rose. BALDWIN.
The Major’s Uncle.
DEJEUNER A LA FOURCHETTE.
Caleb Funderburk and His “Puffect Sy
nonimy.”
Juniper Creek, Talbot County.—Dear
Major : Not after that dismal morning,
when my coffee congealed and my hom
iny conglaciated, while I was dancing at
tendance upon the the oft-repeated “hel
los” of my quondam friend, Caleb
Funderburk, was I falicitated with his
genial presence until the following July.
The day was so fervid that one might
easily believe it had taken the first pre
mium at an intertropical-weather-fair in
Bengal and was hurriedly expressed here
in a reverbatory furnace, for what pur
pose I know not, but its potential force
was no less than one hundred and ninety
four foot-tons per second to the square
acre, as calculated by Caleb. It was at
my post-office, Juniper Station, that I
met with him.
His greeting was, “Well,” Kurnil, its
the dad dingdest swultriest wever I ever
seed in my life—its puffectly synonimy.”
I was shocked —inexpressibly shocked.
Ordinarily I would have heartily enjoyed
alike the miscalling and misuse of syn
onymous but not there—the rather did it
confound me. Even then I had an eye
on a seat in the Georgia Legislature, and
I as confidently relied upon the support
of Caleb as if he had been my twin
brother. For several minutes I was ob
livious to all that was said by those pres
ent, and only grunted out mechanical
answers when personally addressed. I
cogitated and pondered and catachised
my interior consciousness or words to
that effect, and still my self-query as to
who in the devil could have taught Caleb
Funderburk anything about synonyms
remained unanswared. I well knew that
no man living on the creek had ever
heard the word, and as well that Caleb
had never gone abroad so far as that any
use was made of it whatever. He had
not been over to the county seat in six
years, I was certain. It was a natural
conclusion then that Mahomet had gone
to the mountain—that some up-start
from the county seat, having in view
legislative honors, had been to see Caleb,
and had so far seduced him from my in
terests as to thoroughly impress him
with the vast importance of that inau
spicious synonyms.
1 felt a misgiving in the fullest meas
ure disquieting as to whether my patri
otic endeavors were to be assisted with
the powerful support of one of my most
trusted friends and invaluable adjutants
THE GEORGIA MAJOR,
—one who but a brief period before had
unreservedly and confidingly united his
fortunes with mine in a buggy risk of
the most hazardous character, was about
to desert me in my supreme undertaking.
It was a stunning blow to my political
aspirations. Not as it was—“synonimy”
as Caleb said it was—had he been a close
and not necessarily an acute observer, I
would just then have appeared to him,
to say the least of it, a trifle cool. In
truth, I felt so cool towards Caleb that
with utter contempt of shade I betook
myself to a pile of cross-ties that were
defying the tropical sun, feeling fully as
reckless as they. I then and there poig
nantly regretted that I had ever permitted
myself to venture rashly and perilously
so far into the turbulent sea of politics
as secretly to aspire to a seat in the Geor
gia Legislature.
I deeply yearned for an ebb that would
furnish me regress to my Arcadian past.
I flung my mind’s eye from the wind
ward to the lee-shore of that sinister sea
and beheld stranded irrevocably thereon,
countless wrecks, innumerable havocs
and several To even re
motely reckon how great a solace it would
have been to have seen there, too, on that
hopeless shore the before mentioned up
start would require an amplitude of im
agination, vouchsafed to a very few of
the most highly favored in this land for
the landless and these homes for the
homeless. I was surely and convulsively
gatherin g the drapery of chilling despond
ency about me when I suddenly fell upon
quite a turn of fortune. Neighboring
Juniper Station is an extensive mill-pond,
abounding in game-fish of excellent qual
ity, and many from considerable distances
in search of recreation and sport visit it
by trains to share in the pleasures it af
fords. I called in my sea-going mind’s
eye and steadily fixed my bodily eye upon
a little dapper-like undergraduate, whose
coat was richly ornamented with gairish
buttons, together with regulation society
badge and with a skirt decoration, which
I had no temptation whatever to pro
nounce extravagant in its proportions.
He was unmistakably of a high sanguine
temperament, for he was busily engaged
in prospecting for bait in places where
it was wholly impossible to be found.
He was placer mining for worms in the
draughtiest of seasons on a sandy soil
and was nakedly unequipped for follow
ing a ledge. I was so strongly impressed
with the idea that our prospects for suc
cess in our respective enterprises were
“synonimy” I immediately engaged him
in conversation. He was a youth of more
than ordinary accomplishments, albeit
bait-finding was not of them. As a con
versationalist he had large aptitude, good
training, and was in fine form. He evi
dently belonged to one of the best fami
lies, as he was the most superbly finished
and aptly ready light-weight liar I had
ever met. He would send Ovid Bolus to
grass on the first fly.
Within ten minutes of the beginning
of our interview, had he told me he
brought a letter of introduction to Caleb
Funderburk from the Chancellor of the
State University, I would not have batted
either my mind’s eye or my bodily eye.
But despite his rugged determination to
withhold from me all savor of truth he
unwittingly gladdened me with a cheer
ing revelation.
In common with all pretentious fledg
lings he had his stock of pet verbal ex
pressions and forty-three times by actual
count and twice indistinct hearing made
doubtful, he used synonyms. I felt
deeply chagrined—experienced a burning
sense of shame when I reflected how
causelessly I had distrusted Caleb. But
as the lowering clouds which had well
nigh hid from view the State capitol
were now rent, I felt as bouvant as ex
pectant. I returned to the office and re
ceived a letter from some friends promis
ing a visit on the morrow. I was strictly
unprepared for so unexpected a pleasure,
as my larder was depleted to the verge
of emptiness. I enquired as to the feasi
bility of getting butchers’ meat from
town by evening train, and it was replied
that, because of the septic tendencies of
the weather all was forced to sale before
noon. If I had a piece of bacon at my
house of enough size to find an expres
sion in the increment h of calculus-fame
I had a four hundred pound hog. I fully
realized the fact that I was confronted
with a dilemma. In nothing daunted, I
courageously took a horn and asked Ca
leb to take one also, and while I stood in
the dilemma, holding my horn and Caleb
stood over the barrel holding his horn.
I, in a soft undertone, plead guilty to
Caleb as to—no nothing about “synoni
my”—my having very inopportunely
gone short on meat. Then kind Caleb
compassionately said, “Well, Kunil, I
got a heap of goats ; can your folks eat
goat?”
With perfect candor I assured Caleb
that with a reasonably fair opportunity
they very probably could eat goat and
that with a very little persuasion on his
part I,stood ready t< buy one. Caleb
peremptorily refused to sell, but after
paying a delightful tribute to our long
and close friendship, he made me a gift
of one which he amply guaranteed was
the fattest of his flock. Whereupon,
current belief to the contrary, notwith
standing, we found the dilemma had
two more horns, and it is perhaps due to
the truth of history to herein make re
cord that the same further tightened our
mutual regard, I well knowing Caleb's
nicely adjusted ideas of what is “far,”
safely presumed upon them so far as to
make the following proposal, as we were
taking our last and parting smile to
better reconcile us to a brief but painful
separation. “Caleb, it will cost me con
siderable trouble to send for the goat
that you gave me, besides I know you
are a far better hand to dress it than I
am, and I believe that if you will hunt
it up this afternoon so as certainly not to
disappoint me, and butcher it early in
the morning, and send me half of it I
will give you the other half of it for
your trouble. Do you think that fair?
Quoth Caleb : “I’ll be mouty glad to git
the job, ’cause it will pay me powerful
well to git half a goat jist for butcher
ing it these hard times.” I had a meat
breakfast. Your Uncle,
Jno. C. Maund.
DBATH
TO WHITEWASH!
GOOD NEWS
—FOR—
HOUSEKEEPERS!
Whitewash!!
SupercedeD
First Premium!
Special Diploma
AWARDED BY
State Agricultural Society,lßßO
FOR
MAXWELLS
PREPARED
GYPSUM,
For Whitening and Color
ing Churches, Factories
Mills, Dwellings,
Barns, Fences or
for any purpose
where white
or Kalso
mine is
used.
A Beautiful Durable and Cheap
Article.
Gypsum gives the walls a brilliant
gloss, and is, therefore, more durable, is
easily mixed, and costs no more than
the common lime. Its sanitary quali
ties are excellent; it is, therefore, in
every respect unsurpassed by anything
of the kind ever offered to the public.
It will be good for years if kept covered
with water; for use, reduce with water
quite thin, and apply with a white
wash brush. One quart will cover one
hundred square yards. Thin down with
clear water just as you would lime.
It is of the same consistancy as pure
white lead. Will keep clean much long
er than lime, will not crack, peel, rub
off, or change color, therefore it is cheap
er, as labor cost more than the material.
Satisfied that all who test it will never
again use lime. Study your interest by
giving Gypsum a trial. Colors; Blue,
Lilac, Chocolate, Pearl, French Gray,
Pink.
Packed in barrels of 25 gallons, half
barrels, quarter and eighth cans.
No. 1 SUPERFINE, FOR INSIDE WORK
No. 2 FINE, .... FOR OUTSIDE WORK.
SOLD BY
ED. HOLLAND,
—ALSO MANUFACTURER OF
Atlanta Gutta-Percha Roofing
Paint.
Office No. 55 South Broad street, Atlan
ta, Ga.
Do you know why a dog turns
around twice before lying down ?
IT IS
a fact that we have a splendid, neat,
tidy, well arranged store, stocked
with the best of staple and fancy
groceries.
BECAUSE
the people appreciate fair and hon
orable dealing with persons whose
business history in this city for thir
ty-five years, has not a stain upon
it.
ONE
idea should be prominent in conduc
ting any business, and that is, to
give value received for every dollar
obtained.
GOOD
goods at a fair profit is the successful
principle underlying a prosperous
career.
TURN
around the southeast corner of
Broad and Marietta streets, step in
the first door and examine and price
our goods, and if we do not give
you the best goods for as little mon
ey and make less fuss about it than
some others, we will then allow you
to say no house that blows and
does not perform regularly its prom
ises,
DESERVES
to succeed, for none who do not
value a good name more than money
ought to. We are not going to
offer you 40 pounds of grits for a
dollar, and then send you thirty
pounds the second time you send for
them. It will pay you then to get
a pair of scales, my friends for home
use and use them, especially where
goods are offered at suspiciously low
rates;
ANOTHER.
Do you see the point ?
Drag & Allen,
28 MARIETTA STREET.
SPECIAL NOTICE
—TO—
GROCERS,
CONFECTIONERS,
—AND—
Merchants Generally
The lease of our present business
has expired, and to save cost and
trouble of moving our goods, we
shall stay where we are for thirty
days, and close out our entire stock
at some sort of prices.
We don’t ask or expect a profit,
and if we cannot get cost price we
will sell at a loss.
This is no catch-penny advertise
ment. Neither is it intended to mis
lead or misinform anybody. We
have simply determined to change
the line and character of our busi
ness, and can better afford to sacri
fice now by selling for the cash or
approved paper than continue a
risky and unsatisfactory credit sys
tem.
It is our settled purpose to get
rid of the last vestige of our stock,
and with that view and sole object
we respectfully invite all who handle
our line of goods to call without de
lay.
We invite special attention to the
following goods:
Fancy Gandies,
Os every Description,
Canned Fruits,
Oysters,
Canned Vegetables,
Jellies,
Chewing Gum,
Nuts,
Raisins,
Spices,
Sardines,
Pickles,
Prize Packages,
Baking Powders,
Bi-carb. Soda,
Flavoring Extracts,
Ball Potash, ,
Blacking,
Bluing,
Sauces,
Glass Jars,
Starch,
Canned Lye and Potash,
French Mustard,
English Mustard,
Dcssicated Cocoanut,
Ground Spices,
Cotton Twine,
Paper Bags,
Show Cases,
Soap.
Plug and Smoking Tobacco in end
less variety.
Toys and Bohemian Glassware at
less than half cost. All nice, new,
clean goods.
o
N. B. —Should there be any outstand
ing claims against us, we shall be glad to
have them presented for settlement with
out delay.
Jack & Holland,
36 Whitehall Street.
5
