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Thursday, December 21, 2000 The Southern Cross, Page 9 “Thy will be done” in the context of family By Andrew and Terri Lyke Catholic News Service O ver the years we have minis- tered to literally thousands of couples preparing for marriage. Most of them have great optimism for their life to gether. These couples’ dreams of the future at the marriage-preparation stage of their relationship seem most promis ing. Their decision to marry stems from those promising prospects. When couples make the promise to each other that is contained in the words “in good times and bad, for bet ter and for worse,” they know and dream of the good times. But to face the unknown “bad times” of their fu ture they need abiding faith and open ness to some other words: “Thy will be done.” Talk to people married 10 or more years and they’ll agree, if they’re hon est, that things are not quite the same as they had envisioned them when the marriage began. Some unanticipated goodness is realized while other dreams are deferred, if not lost. It seems that for every hurdle a couple successfully clears there is a stum bling block, a detour — something that goes awry, something that “dies” in them. With every dream deferred, for ev ery sacrifice of self for the other, there is a sense of dying. Many couples never get beyond that dying experi ence. They mourn their losses so much that separation is the only rem edy that makes any sense. Sacred Heart Sister Kathleen Hughes, in her book, Saying Amen: A FAITH IN THE MARKETPLACE o W When is it most difficult to accept God’s will? How can it be done then? “When it makes me feel vulnerable or causes me pain. This tells me that my will conflicts with God’s will. Then I have to pray through the pain and wait.” — Pat Lervold, Bremerton, Wash. “It is most difficult to accept God’s will when it doesn’t seem to follow the path of life you’ve chosen for yourself — when it takes you out of your comfort zone. Following God’s will can be done then only through God’s help, through prayer.” — Kathy Walter, Butte, Mont. “It’s difficult to accept God’s will when we are suffering, ... when we are feeling despair, hopelessness, fear, ... when we are going through hardships. Then we have to focus on the cross and all that Christ went through for us.” — Mary Cobos Rivera, Austin, Texas An upcoming edition asks: What important concern of yours would you like to see a parish small group explore? If you would like to respond for possible publication, please write: Faith Alive! 3211 Fourth St. N.E., Washington, D.C. 20017- cZaAd 1100. Mystagogy of Sacrament, says that “every loving is a dying — a dying to my own time, comfort, convenience, wants, needs, concerns, interest. (It) is a dying to self-interest and self CNS photo by Bill Wittman aggrandizement in an act of generos ity and self-giving ..., and it all hap pens not just when one or the other feels like it but daily, and for all the days of ordinary time as well as in the high holy seasons of a marriage.” A woman who attended a marriage retreat with her husband phrased it this way: “Sometimes it seems like we have a one-eyed, three-legged dog of a marriage. But we’re still making it day by day.” To talk about dying in the same breath as loving calls for conversion — conversion from what is of us to what is of God. It is living the prayer, “Thy will be done.” Most couples cannot fathom together. Marriage that is lived as sacra ment has that paschal mystery char acter. We die to self so that our new self — the marriage — may have life. And the relationship fashioned by this is by far a more precious work of art than the buried, limited vision from which it began. Some sacramental marriages may appear less perfect than others from 'ome sacramental marriages may appear less perfect than others from outward appearances. But... we must look deeper to discover the covenant that holds them together.” this at their weddings when the notion of dying to any thing is so re mote from their immediate sense of hope. They might not see much dif ference between “thy will” and “my will.” Yet even in the vows they speak on their wedding day, there is a foretell ing of the rhythm of dying and rising — in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, for better and for worse — that will be intrinsic to their life outward appearances. But before we rush to judgment, we must look deeper to discover the covenant that holds, them together. Though it may look like a one-eyed, three-legged dog of a marriage, it may be the manifestation of “thy will” and of the face of God. (Andrew Lyke is coordinator of marriage ministry for the Archdio cese of Chicago. Terri Lyke is coordi nator of marriage ministry to the Af rican-American Community for the archdiocese.) Discovering God’s will by discovering God’s love By Theresa Sanders Catholic News Service O ne of the most poignant mo- ments in the Gospels takes place just after Jesus hears of John the Baptist’s death. Jesus, you remember, greatly admired John and was baptized by him. When John’s disciples came to tell Jesus that their teacher was dead, “Jesus withdrew from there in a boat to a deserted place by himself’ (Mat thew 14:13). No doubt Jesus needed time and space to mourn the loss of his friend and to rage against the evil that caused John’s murder. He needed to pour out his heart in prayer just as we do when faced with such a tragedy. There are a number of times, ac cording to the Gospels, when Jesus goes off by himself to pray. He does so before choosing his apostles (Luke 6:12), for example, and after feeding the 5,000 (Mark 6:46). And Jesus prays in the Garden of Gethsemane shortly before he meets the same fate John met (Matthew 26:39-44). If we look at his words as written in the New Testament, we get a sense of how Jesus might have ad dressed God in prayer. The first thing he does is to tell God what is on his mind: “If it is possible, let this cup pass from me.” He feels comfortable enough to tell the Father how he feels and what he wants. The second thing he does is to open up his heart to the Father’s love, which is also the Father’s will. Though feeling abandoned by his friends, and though frightened at the prospect of his execution, he summons the courage and strength to say, “Your will be done.” You might ask, Why does Jesus need to pray at all? Wasn’t he God? There are all kinds of ways to pray. Some people speak and some shout, some dance and some sing, some paint pictures, some simply cry. All these forms of prayer are ways of opening oneself up to love, for God is love (see 1 John 4:8). We all need to take time to recon nect with God’s love. Even Jesus needed to take time away from friends and family (not to mention the crowds) to let himself sink deeply into his Father’s love. This shouldn’t surprise us. Love takes work. When we’re in relation ships, we need to say “I love you” even though we’ve said it thousands of times before and even though we and those we love already know it to be true. That’s what prayer is like. It’s a way of reconnecting with the truth already in our hearts. Jesus knew the love of God more surely than any of us, and precisely for that reason he prayed. (Sanders is an assistant professor of theology at Georgetown Univer sity.) All contents copyright©2000by CNS lna Nutshell Often we assume that our wills and God’s are the same. What happens when they’re not? Will we mean it when we say “Thy will he done”? To follow God’s will, wouldn’t it help to recall the mystery that God is love? We die to self so that our new self may have life. The result is far more precious than what preceded it.