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Brenham, Texas, Aug. 23, 1800.
Dear Brethren :—I send you sister Davis’ let
ter which was written to me as private, in answer
to one I sent her. I have obtained her consent to
have it published, and it will no doubt be interes
ting to the saints. NANCY DUTTON.
Dear Sister Dutton :—I received your good
letter, and upon opening it, and seeing who and
where it was from, a stranger, and away in Texas
I confess I thought a little strange; but afte 1 ’
reading it, I felt that we were no more strangers
and foreigners, but fellow citizens with the saints*
and of the household of God. Little did I think,
when I sent my poor scribble to the Messenger,
that it would bring about so happy a correspond
ence; but I view it as another evidence of the
goodness of God to me, that he should put it
into the heart of any of his dear children, to
do or say anything for the comfoit of such a
poor sinful worm as I am ; but when I con
sider the goodness of God to me, both in temporal
and spiritual things, I feel that I should be hum
bled low in the dust before him, and repent of my
ingratitude and poor returns to him for all his
kindness to me ; (for the goodness of God should
lead men to repentance,) but you say, my sister,
give us more of your experience. Well, we are
told to be ready always, to give the reason
of the hope that is in us, when asked. I can
only give with pen and ink, a few of the way
marks, by which I trust the Lord has led me ; but
I will try to begin where I think the Lord began
with me.
The first serious impvessiona that I lemember to
have had about a future state, was when I was
about twelve years old ; about this time two of my
brothers died, both younger than myself, and I was
not only greatly distressed about the loss of their
society, but I began to think about what had be
come of their souls, and what would have become
of mine, if I had dieL 1 thought as they were
young, that perhaps the Lord had taken them to
himself. But I was old enough to know good
from evil, and if I should die unconverted, 1 would
be lost forever. The thought of death alarmed
me, for I knew I was not prepared for death, and
there must be a change in me, which I knew I bad
not yet experienced, but I wanted to be a Christian,
for I thought they would be happy when they
died. I resolved to set about it, and try to be
one, and I thought the way to become one, was to
pray a great deal, and be careful not to do anything
that was sinful or wicked, and God would then be
pleased with me, (for I thought he was angry with
me) and would forgive me for what I had done;
accordingly I took up prayer, (if it might be call
ed prayer,) and after a while I thought I could
pray pretty well, and that I should soon be a Chris
tian. After I bad gone on so a while, some cir
cumstance occurred, which caused me to neglect
prayer, and getting into company with my young
companions, who were light and vain, I soon for
got it, and left off altogether, until some death or
sickness would stir me up agaiD, and thus I went
on for about six years ; taking up prayer and lay-
SOUTHERN BAPTIST MESSENGER.
iug it down again, vainly supposing I could do
something myself to make God love me, and con
vert my soul. Thus you see, my sister, how igno
rant I was while in nature’s darkness, beino- jo-no
rant of God’s righteousness, I was going about to
establish a righteousness of my own, and I think,
my sister, that all are thus ignorant while in na
ture’s darkness. All think they must do some
thing themselves, or they cannot be saved, but
God will not leave his chosen ones in this inmo-
O
ranee and darkness always, but he calls them out
of it, and leads them about, and instructs them in
spiritual tilings. But lam degressing from the
subject. When it pleased God to open my eyes,
and shine into my heart by the light of his Spirit,
and show me the evil of my heart, my views were
greatly changed, for as Paul has it, when the com
mandment came, sin revived, and I died. I died
to all my good works, for I saw that I had a sinful
heart, whereas I had thought I had a good one,
and like one of old when digging in the wall, the
deeper he dug, the more abominations be saw. —
So the more I saw into my heart, the more sinful
I saw it to be. I read the Scriptures, and saw I
I was condemned by God’s holy law, and that He
could not look upon sin with the least allowance,
and the soul that sinned must die. Now I saw
my case was a bad one indeed. I knew not what
to do. I had sinned against a just and holy God.
I feared his wrath would be poured out upon me.
I dared not approach a throne of grace. My
prayer had become sinful, and my righteousness
as filthy rags. I read in the good word that Christ
came into the world to save sinners, and become
the end of law for righteousness to every one that
believed, hut could not believe for myself, and
therefore had no share in his righteousness, for
without faith it was impossible to please God.—
Here I found that what the Methodist sav, is not
so, that is, that you can believe if you will, and
that you can act by faith if you will. omy sis
ter, what would I have given then, to have bad
that faith which would have removed that moun
tain of guilt that lay so heavy on my poor soul ?
I would have given ten thousand such worlds as
this, if I had had them, to have had that faith
which is as an anchor of the soul, both sure
and steadfast, to have believed that Christ died
for me, but I could not. I could see how others
could be saved, but not me; my case was differ
ent from others. I was not one of God’s elect, for
[ sinned away the day of grace, or I had not
sought the Lord upon the right principle, and there
was no hope for me. I loved them that I thought
were Christians, and thought them the happiest
people in the world. 0 how I did wish I was like
them, that I might be with them forever. Bui
alas ! this was not for me, I must be driven away
from their presence forever ; this was to be mv lot.
O the thought, how could I bear it, but it must be
so. I could see no way to escape the wrath of
God. I deserved nothing better; God was just
in condemning me, and I had given over all hope
of saving grace, and my burthen was so heavy
that I thought I could not live under it but a little
while. I had been trying to weave, but could not,
I dropped my shuttle, and was bemoaning my
case, and felt t myse!f sinking down in despair, when
these words came with-power into my mind, “ Ask
and it shall be given you, seek and ye shall find,
knock and it shall be opened unto you.” This put
me to a stand, to consider of these words, for they
came with as much force as if someone had sp)-
ken them aloud in my ears. I remembered that
they were Christ’s own words, and saw there was
a big promise contained in them ; an absolute
promise to those who asked, and who sought his
blessings, and I believed he would fulfill his prom
ise, that not a jot or tittle of his word could fail.
I thought he Knew tnat I had asked, and praved
for forgiveness, and for faith, and, desired them
above all things, and I believed those words were
spoken for me. I was the character for whom they
were spoken, and now I could not help believing
that I would receive those blessings which he had
promised, and as if to confirm me in it, lie gave
me the following verses, to wit r “ What man is
there among you, if his son ask of him bread, will
he give him stone, or if he ask a fish will he for
a fish give him a serpent; it then ye being evil
know how to give good things to them that ask,
shall not your Father which is in heaven give good
things to them that ask him. This confirmed my
hope, a hope sprung up in my soul, and my burden
fell ofi, and joy, and peace, and love filled my soul.
0, I was as one alive from the dead, I started to
tell my mother the good news, (for I knew she
must have seen the distress, and felt concerned
about me,) but before I got to her, this thought
was suggested to me, Now you will go and make
your mother believe you are converted, and it may
be you are not; perhaps these words are not from
the Lord for you—you only happened to think of
them, because you had read them some time.—
This stopped me, and I did not tell her at that
time, lest I should deceive her, which 1 did not want
to do, yet I could not help asking questions which
led her to think I had a hope. I was anxious to
know if others had felt as I had, for I had never
heard a Christian experience told, and I began to
fear that I had been deceived in this all important
matter, and if so, my case was worse than before,
for I had lost my conviction. I could not get back
my burden of guilt and sin again, I prayed the
Lord to undeceive me, if I was deceived, and show
me the right way, and grant repentance and re
mission of sin, if he had not; but while in this
state of mind, between hope and fear, I felt very
restless, and anxious to know my real situation.—
I took up the Bible, and opened at the 3d chap, of
Lamentations, it began thus, “ I am the man that
hath seen affliction by the rod of his wrath, he
hath led me, and brought me into darkness but
not into light,” &c. I thought it expressed my
own feeling so near, that I was taken with it, and
read on until I came to the twenty-sixth verse,
which reads thus; it is good that a man should
both hope, and quietly wait for the salvation of the
Lord ; here I felt rebuked, for doubting his prom
ise to me, which he had assured me of, by conde-