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EDITORIALS
Jerry-mandering the Ratings
The Top Ten Signs Your Kids are Watching Too Much Jerry Springer
10. Have evolved from playing “Doctor” to “Plastic Surgeon Specializing in
Male Enlargement.”
9. They want to know why they only live in a house instead of a double
wide trailer.
8. Actually think their horrendous behavior can be justified, as long as
they follow it with a smug thirty-second sermon.
7. Your son asks if anyone makes a DNA paternity test kit for Cabbage
Patch Kids.
6. Poor Ken just found out he hasn’t been dating Barbie, but a G.I. Joe in
drag.
5. During that “little talk” with Junior, you’re forced to admit that you
don’t know if hermaphrodites are “birds” or “bees.”
4. Want to know why you don’t work at a strip club “like all the other
moms.”
3. Your daughter comes to the table completely naked, because’she is
“comfortable with herself and is not afraid to show it.”
2. Last year, when you told him to clean his room, you merely got a sullen
look. This year you get a dining room chair over your head.
And the Number 1 Sign Your Kids Have Been Watching Too Much Jerry
Springer...
Your youngest has stopped calling you “Mommy” in favor of “Crack-ho.”
—from Chris White’s Topfive.com
Springer agrees to tone
down his immensely
popular sleazefest
By Johan Gooding
Editorial Page Editor
The world won't be
perfect when America stops
chanting "Jerry, Jerry!" But it's
a step in the right direction.
Jerry Springer's promise
to make his television show
less radical will thankfully be
the beginning of the end. He
recently topped Oprah
Winfrey to lead the Nielsen
ratings for all talk shows.
Springer's success comes
from ignoring an unsaid code
of decency, and giving the
people what they want.
Unfortunately, his low-brow
following craves violence. It
has gotten to the point where
the growing audience of
Springer fans will be
disappointed if they don't see
a fistfight in a given episode.
However, USA Today
reports in its April 6 issue that
Springer's growing audience
of critics includes politicians.
The show will compensate by
trying to minimize conflicts of
the sort.
Though the crowd might
sometimes chant "Steve," one
of Springer's main bouncers,
or even the host's Christian
name, it cares solely for the
fights. Once daytime TV's
"WWF War Zone" goes away,
people will notice that:
•Springer insults his mentally
imbalanced guests in his
soppy idealistic final
thought
•Springer's sarcastic quips
really aren't all that funny
•Guests will surprise and
insult, but never actually
learn anything in an hour's
time
•Books are free at the library
In defense of Springer, his
show is invaluable in teaching
us to question whether your
fiancee has been working
nights as a bisexual prostitute
for the last six years, and why
she and her pimp (your best
man) have kept it a secret.
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The Editorial Board
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Other than that, it is a stage for
transvestites, crooks,
adulterers, slackers, abusers
and your average jerks to voice
their opinions. I suppose
they'll soon be forced to vote
like everybody else.
Nevertheless, with the
changes, I will be much
happier to see Springer fans go
abroad and bet on chickens
battling to the death in a back
alley somewhere, than to leave
the filthy talk show "as is" on
television for our gun-
wielding youth to see.
Editor's Note: Jerry Springer said Friday that he's not about to
tone down his raucous daytime talk show, and said he doesn 't know
why his producer-distributor announced an agreement to eliminate
physical violence. "I'm not going to buckle," Springer told Howard
Stern during the shock jock's show. Springer said he did not attend a
meeting between his producer-distributor and a religious group and
said he did not sign off on the agreement announced Thursday.
