The Augusta herald. (Augusta, Ga.) 1890-1908, November 27, 1898, Image 11
f®vc r BPYS :Xnd Ciras ''
! how Richard Woo
! Tic first Ward
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4in***l -u! !■» t{'« ► i*i• • .i > h In i mis*
, . *n« iitiuatjf Ik #W% **- hud m ix*-*! him
and It HA# tmrrxhinx x# *«»*■ x**«lf% x*
nns oat. ll# I that vmaJnx h««l
rhirfd hint tt**t t*> Pilr from th* fmxi
4wr xi»4 tn*a**4 xft#r Un* ««Htf* hi#
ihouUrr* thrown t*x« h «i»4 hi# ahrlU
y>ortg «441 nit its mlt# »*» tt»# i»n>
rfsi din
Th« m«r« hitut dub *«*»t striucht I
CYISIAVMONSI/7 j
\ \ BY HAYDEN CAtMJTH / / !
>0 • l c/
i|| '
*=■»- y | COPY-1 glQHf.i
Wo got him on subscription. Sooner ,
or later we got everything on tul snlp
t!on—even money; not much void wood,
however, because It wu a prairie court- !
try. Still a man named PcrkinKon once
brought in some wood neatly raw* ‘I,
atnve length. He did It under protest,
.however, hi* subscription being bruit
two yearn, and we threatening to rue. ]
So Parkinson brought In a cord, making
unpleasant remarks as he unloaded It
and aeatterlng it around in a barbaric
manner. That man Parkinson was an
enemy of mankind.
The fire was low the nekt morning at
breakfast time. Hilda tossed in four or
five sticks of th* Parkinson fuel. There
followed a series of the moat terrific 1
explosions. Perhairs i ought to mention j
the appearance of the oat in the dining
room first. Anyhow the cat would have .
reached us before the sound If in r tall \
had not been so big that It Impeded her
progress through the doors. That cat
was frightened and passed on through :
the parlor, out a front window and on
across the landscape. Hilda came next, ;
her front hair singed. Bang, bang!
went the reports in the kitchen. A j
neighbor looked In and said our chim- !
ney was squirting fire and ashes—pos- j
slbly lava. Something, too, he said,
Just went out the front window. My 1
teeth were chattering, but I was bound j
to be calm and said, "Yes, the maid was
popping corn in the kitchen." Hilda
denied It. "Aye tank," she said, *‘de
man dat talk loud and say he was no 1
dog goned sucker, dat he 'ilooged de
gunpowders In de wood.” So It was In
deed. What shall we say of a man who
thus tiles to blow up his editor? As
for that inconsiderate cat, she never
was seen in those parts again. I have j
always had a theory that she moved on
In an absolutely straight line, which,
owing to the curvature of the earth, !
finally threw- her off into, space, and
she became a minialuve comet. Her
tall was right for-camps purposes any
hty 1
Simrrsais .oame on - subscription auto, •
but willingly. Jitr, dtmmons of .Pelican j
Lake was not the man to torpedo a Jour- 1
n&iisT. I remember how nervous he
was when he came into the office nod
ho ha lido' • d about. "Jdd J«U ' 'r,
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rmmmmtf tfw «•*•%*• »*•*> *****
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i #*%*»• #*•# nnf T T tii** in tlx# !*••*. ll#
111 vs , r rtuMv nti« «** (r*|n« Vo
. x«in I t* thm* to in# Kotiiink
rritlf* 4t»t#*v •» ill# crow 4 brtffco
T*h**r wax a low bun of 4t*»#al •• ht !
t .itlr r* f« r**r # lo | hlit « l»u( Mr Mar
.hall Igmued .be murmur that «radu
I ally toh ed Itaelf In crunn* and J—•» 1
, live In the r -ulh?" he finally blurted
' out. I told him "No." He eeotned some
i what rettcv< L
"Ho you do you know anything
about swine'.'” lie went on.
"Swine have four feet.” I answered—
-1 ori ( ~.j| corner. They root end
j squeal and eventually become pork.”
; "Ye*. yes,” returned Jim. ”but do you
! know about the different breeds?”
"No." He teemed further relieved
"Would you—would you.” he went on
i cautiously, "know a Durham swine
from a Cleveland Bay swine?"
"No.” He drew a deep breath, and
( most of his anxiety was gone,
j Did you ever hear of the raxorback
1 breed of swine?” he said firmly.
"Never,” 1 answered. Jim siapped his
I leg and am!Vd. Then he leaned closer
! and Maid:
"Young man. I’ve got something for
i you on subscription—something that
i you fit,n’t get every day, not by a long
shot! Out In that there box In my w»g
--: on I've got for you a genuine—Alabama
—razor —back —swine!” I rose up and
i look Jim Simmons' hand solemnly.
I Then he said I was to come out to the
wagon and see the swine.
"It s a warm day. Why didn't you
bring him in a crate instead of a box,
I Jim?” I asked.
"Ah. you sc *, you don't know the ra
i zortiaek hr I. Airtight is the word In
I transporting razorbaclts. Peek in there
! now, will you?" And he raised the lid
a trifle.
"Yes. Jim.” I said, "airtight is the
word. I’ll have a glass pen made, with
a top which screws on like that of a
fruit Jar."
"Now there you go again.” answered
Jim. "The razorbark don't need any
j |ien at all. That swine will Just sleep
I under the office and pick up his living
j around town.”
I "But the pound master, Jim?”
•The pound nothing! Double j'inted
greyhounds fired out a cannon wouldn't
; catch that swine’ He look the cover
I off the box, and the pig hopped out and
I lit on the ground. ' Notice how thin h*
, is.” continued Jun admiringly
i ' Yes, I see.” I replied. I’ll tie a
string around hia middle and fly him.for
a Chinese kite."
; You ould 1" it!" was Jim's • uthu- ,
THE A.XJO-TJSTA SXJN’EA.Y HERALD.
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> 's
I . It'll Alt D ON TI!R m MP
Ittrhard beard tb* r*tr* tb --t'*W*b
anal. It wtitad ibtwHM* t« btm <* •«
of tb* -tcit.4 AUimuw. hr arr**m*4 j
How 4anr you! tl»w d... you art
an l« my pa|wt! 111 Hit you If you do
•tin b*y! Who'* Ihr you** bantam**'
an 4 "What'a tb* matter with the little
fir* enterT” were pan# of the comment#
beard from tb- crowd
Mr. MarahaU adjuated hi* *|i*eln.'l*u
and peered down from hi* ata feet two
HI. me. lib hard, ta that you? How !
414 you **• he»*r* . I
I -lastii* answer. Then h* add 'd "Y< J Ve
got • prise lu that liter* *wln<- Tip 1 •
in iu»m** fvlteii »tr<*und ti**r<* Ihni tjhltitc
they've got r*ts*>rtNi« 'km, l#ut tl»*> »ln*t 5
pure bred. They may I* pari rwsofha- k.
but Here la other blood In them Thla
lie la a full blooded Alaos mu raHtdlo- k
an l lit* only one In the territory, tl" *
r-g atrre.l I dlsreinemliai hia numlier,
but he'n In the fiook* of the Ansel ban
Itasorhiirlt ffwinc association. Don't •>* |
uftaid to make a Jeat taae of him w ith ;
ti e pound maater “ And Jlmdroveawajt.
Tb rr ■ itur.* stood tliers In a defiant I
I atiltud". I Hiking at m, I approached, j
I raving, "flood piggy.” With a anort he |
flopped ground on hi* forward legs and i
disappeared down the street in a cloud ;
!of dual "Hg's aa fast ut the cat,” 1 j
mused, "but not so graceful,”
I went lulu llie cilice and wrote a |
gloving item about the razorbark. 1 re- |
i ferred to him aa "a pleasing padiy
! derm" and Spoke prou lly of th • purity
j of hi* breed, "Thanks to tlie getierosi-
I ly of the g' nlal Jim Blnimon*. one of
nature’s noblemen. ' I wi do, "ye editor
; is now- the possessor of the only pure
i bred razorbark in the territory. If any
of our reader* hear a whizzing sound
j passing their doors, they may know It
Is our porker going by What are you
! g,an* to do about it. Mr. Pound Man
j ter?" I even ran In n little anecdotual
Item elsewhere, telling how Jim, when
lu- lived In Arkansas and worked
for Bfi uncle named Green, who kept n j
' store, us*d to e!gn leceipta thus: "Green, ,
per Simmon*.” There was no truth In .
It. but I knew It would please Jim.
Mark ye tile aplte, the cruelty of hu
man nature! 1 was happy. I knew ;
nothing about swine. I had believed all ,
that Jfm said. I really thought that In j
that pig I had something rare and valu- '
able. But when the paper appeared the |
townspeople came In, many that called !
themselves my friends, and told mo the
truth—that the razorbaek Is a degener
ate scrub unworthy serious attention;
that he furnished hut one thing for hu
man ure, und that Is bristles, and not
many of them, they being mostly worn
off by the rapidity of his (light through
the air. Horn* of them said, too, that
there was no such thing as the Ameri
can Hazorback Swine association. For
we k* I Inquired after Jim from his
neighbors. They said he seemed to be
going to the other town altogether now
adays. We named the pig Simmons In
grateful remembrance.
Shall I. ever forget the trouble that ;
Simmons caused me? He lived under
the office, as Jim had said he would.
Mentally Simmons was bright, but lie
was a moral burden. Often, when I was
writing, perhaps on th" "Stability
Our fifty's Growth," Simmons would
begin to scratch his back on the floor
Joists and shake the whole building. He
pled galley* of type in this way. Again,
he would' come around in front and
poke hi* head In the door and snort at
me defiantly and 'Ungratefully. He had
no mean* of knowing what I wa* writ
ing arid I ..thought It unkind and mall- j 1
dons rtf 'him,"Sometime* it seemed as If ■
he hiib-d and despised me. On other oc- |
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■ notmc AMmntl h*r% HJNmm ain't
*ftaM«4 li4i aMt Mt *l MH»p«n» all hi*,
self. ««n> lh**» |i>m tw «9*hMi an I ha*i
t«> ptai hnm*' with 4wnn*n** t\ ji*w t
n* fwn oMMhf •n 1 * t h»* M*
i-*w#*l iV i*ns4» an laMr Mt, nor an
ih+ **»?* M) |mh « a ht« man It#
gt*Mt |h 1 itit n jr Ai% an tatka a M
la ikr I'naiilwi*' m> *««'« *«•»
•««t In Ihr |»n. Thai » ohat hr a»>A.
•It I Kinar |l » an. for hr 4>«l Ilk
( _ hu it,.,,.. .| at uaft for (hr
»ranllr*t »'• II hail (no. Daaaata'll
M >..a 4.. inoal aßjfUnk »» ««* *r*nk
»l all I *>n‘l Hr* m hal r«r ».«l ilna'l
Uhr my r.|*a "hr infttiuoMifjr.
■t)k )»• don't, don't r<>». k'dT' cotu
-jj«. I don't, nrlthrr, aa it ain't p'lu*
in 'lrrmtu Rltla b»*a whru U»»y'»
A rural., nf drilrhl ««il ovrr lh«
, r«wd. u Ml*. Hli hanl won! on ralmly:
'My jm|*n la pwltty t«d Hr
• union. II api -ared a* Ts It* would in
bta poor Jpnib wa» * all to* —brother!
tint tw< rtt aa m*ntli*r of a committee.
t» th. aialEui h' Ip welcome an eaat
ern capdAjl.i oho waa ror in.’ with a
view <it IfMcalina money ti the place
HUnmona billowed eloae Utluk'l like u
dog. and pe-red around m> leg. al Ihc
vialtor and grunle.l a< ,-rlirtllty. «■ who
ahmld aay: "Hah. old l>»uin*yl«i*e'
Whai are you?” "You -ec— -hog# aeem
familiar '* ohaerved thr man Th* real
of the committee turned theli Hack* on
me "It's the editor'#," explained the
le idwr. '-Don't mind either of 'em
it w.*a wurth the price of admission to
ftlmmuns root Your ordinary hog
r-ioia disconnectedly, with » ntish In
this direction *n lln flint.a down thrust
gad an uplift, with ptuacs a* he sniffs
I" —lnrr.ee j|
Jgk -=l|
f.t s - /»sV'S>-
. —... —«£—-J
HI, -TOUK TUL COVKHOFI' AND THE PIG HOPPED OL"J\
■ 3 - - .... -
and explores for possible food. Other
wise fllmmott*. He would insert h.t
snoutvtn th* ground and then walk
straight ahead, plowing a long fur
row. throwing the soil to either side a*
| tne bow of a steamboat throws tb” wa-
f lM ,a» 4., (••* •<«> «k< ydanaha I j
A Do\KI •
. Sffl.
s•*» 4*OMY* fIN« •«» * **>• «**
Ano Ihttt tty* y knowd <*» A frigrydiy brby.
Or (Mil'll M tAltgd * frigiydiy rimO
▼My Blind »f hm* »•»* iMy B'N*< *f ****’•
s*w no* **l r»c»lt a »tor fry i«y
Thai o*Br»y c»r,i«4 our t»rt (w»y.
H bl«w u* lot* *M f*r4*o plot*
AM (citwtd our laity Into douWt Hiyoi*.
A funnmt • «*•*▼? ** v *"
AM »Mo IMy *lH*ufM<: H««-Mwr
TMo **>4 aigflhft. “Do you ronyombar
A olfh* vo saw orye cold Wove cry Mr ?
A butycly of e»rrotf a don lyod |#l
To coon Mr nyul* »M» refuged lo trot,
But All l«y vAiiy. foe It would 00l gtArl
Aod drow IM coal* liy «M wooden eorl.
A funnier *ijh* I never saw I”
And IMn *My All lAuflyed: "Hee-Mwl H««-Mwl'
r‘ XKHHP
ter. H* was not pHiktng for food— aim
ply rak iig a eonstltutbuial- llut hr
c.oIUI loot in one sled. If lb* occasion
demand d. The Ituptlnt church stood
on font Mode* of wield, after the man
ner or Up er untry. 1 think StmrnMts
wits a Mel hodlst -anyhow h- waa
strongly opjeised to the Baptist*. He
kepi al their foundation till one Idock
toppled nver and that corner of the
building went down a- foot, the diago
nally opposite corner going up the same
distance; during evening service, of
course. The congregation slid down In
ih* lower corner like the pieces In a
backgammon board. I heard Simmons
bark sera tie on the floor aa lie caino
whisking home. Then there followed a
long aerie* of sallafled grunts. He had
fixed those Itaptlsts at laat.
Whan we gave the eastern capitalist
a reception in Bagley'z Hall, SiffcmohS
| planted himself four square In the mid
! qie of the street In front and squealed
• like 10.000 unoiled wheelbarrows. He
i had a reversible voice. When li> ex
«mtf«aA» ha Ims (MpMMhhl •* -asMan* a **■ l . ;
i t*4*a*. Sh 4 Mhwa aMatam hat mmmm,
' pulled the air. It produced a nerve de
stroying shrilling. When he inhaled It.
j y»»u Heard a raucous rattle, fc!n*«l cur
-1 dltng and fearsome. The moneyed man
1 didn't stay. Sunni ,ns chase,l the train
half say to ch.- nesi station, speaking
his mind freely. He had sized the capi
talist.
Th* bills which I had to pay for dam
age done by HIinNKHW were something
’ disquieting. It got so that If any man
in town needed a dollar he would come
to me and say Simmons had done some
thing. and I would give him the money.
Two days before the Kourlh of July
Major Grigsby, a local nuisance, cam*
; into the office. The major was always
some sort of an agent—book, uppl*
; tree, patent wash holler or what not.
j "Hah,” said the major, "aa you hav*
i announced In your valuable paimh, we
! are to have a grand celebration of the
, glorious Fourth In this town. I have
been honored with an app’lntmeul on
the committee on sports ami pastime*
of the pop-u-lace. We have arranged
for n hoss trot. *nh: a baseball game,
nub: a greased pole, sah. and other
amusements, sah. sueh as It Is bellfved
will appeal to the common people, sah.
th* hull-work of the nation, »ah. We
lack bur one thing, my denh sah. a
I greased pig. I have heen delegated the
I committee on greased pig." He heal*
■ twted. I arose, and there were tears In
! my eyes. ".Major,” I said, grasping his
: hand, "tiikc Himmons!"
"You do me proud, sah,” answered thu
i major, with feeling. Thank you, sail.
We will take Simmons!”
Ai 11 o'clock on the glorious day
Simmons, veil greased, was brought
| out in the race track where the exer
cises wore being held. II being feared
that no one would chase him for him
self alone a dollar bill, generously con
tributed by Mayor South wick, was tied
to Ills tall. When he was released, a
dozen ambitious citizen* started in pur
suit, the major among the other*.
Around and around rushed Simmons,
Ui • crowd close behind, but never quite
coming up to him. Suddenly, with a
defiant squeal, he started Hems* the
prairie straight for the west. The
crowd followed, the major leading.
Soon they grew dim In the distance.
Then gradually the pursuers could be
seen dropping out and returning. This
kepi, up till they were all buck except
th" major. With the aid of good fleld
glu:- he could be seen tearing on -0
feet behind Simmons till they sank be
low the horizon. It cast a pall over the
rest of the day. everybody fearing that
they might come buck. But they did
not, nor was either ever heard of again.
It has never seemed possible that they
could have Joined tbo cat In Interstellar
space, but I always think of them as
still mnnitiK on. oh. Simmons a little
ahead, waving;. the $1 bill.
Paradise For Old People
New Zealand has ft law which pro
vides ah annual pension of $456 for
every’ honest needy person who has
reached the age of C, and has lived CO
yes rein th" colony.
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'aa tan* *>•«»*•'. hat aft* fe> aa«t |
ihat aam* 4at M a*d'-« ta halt ih<t
ranataa >. aaw .a* ih» Batnh • ahS
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! Iwa . * Hat aatt Ihr fntthht
■nthrr- a *att«r nM td Atah «X
’ tittta a* a,ta«i mUntla hat* hath
j iwtaraal hunt, taw auh ta> »- iiM>n%
ally Ihr i*»r« 1 aa Mah. aha w«|
into a* aa ititaai m i t t. a •••nlrldh
,a>« It ta*atw of ahhh Ihr aatar I
i , k . yjj., i, ifartaa 4r> m iat dirtrtha
i 1.4 «tt ih» raltry, Ta- Arab rhhatai
j a<r 4tah"t lo thr ta* ata ihr t<*M
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him.nr adrlt*. th*y lauhh*4 o orafattjß ,
. oil a tail tat la a M miaalth IM .
i imai raa amait I. aad ihr titti**
a . ath tvaultrA. ihr ro!4tr»a Mandh*
.art othrr !■» Ihr a.*rlml. Thrtr
, !i|«»o Ihr Arab ran *»•« thr lank and
thoittrd Hi irry Altaian and foralhla
Knaltah
Thrrr, yon f.rtlr. I luhl you to krrp
' a«ay." Ami Uwd KHrhrnrr. ahn aaa
*h* n .mly Majtir BJtfhi 1 nar. liuaWy
I ayrrrd with hint.
% t ataahtr Tr*r.
In Afrk a ihrrr la a wondrtfal and
- iirtoit# tror rtlltd thr laft* m<•
Vou may takr tan- of lla Iravaa aad
»ra|> It notnd a Ml of In—h •’rrf or
mutton, ami It will makr It iradrt. Tha
Iravra murl hr a *■«“! »l»* t" wrap (
round thr Ml »f Orrf .a mutlnw. but
■ mainly Ihr fart mrnllonrU above It
irur. a* many trarrlrra kn*«w. .«
i
A KEMAKKABLE PAIASITL
nn* of Ihr inort rrmarkablr riants
that hav# romr l»* ur from Humtiira Id
th<- huf |mi to *ll r Itufford raltlrrla. It
ilrrlvra It* numr from 4lr Htamford
Haitird, who. In l*ld. *«» dov.mor of
Hrnrrlrrn, In Humalra. H<- waa at ona
llmr on a lour of thr Inland, atmudhr
i nninl by Udf lUffle*. l»r. Arnold amt
oulir a party of Kumpeana and naliveA
Sialdmly they ulllihtwl up<'P ihr rtowea
of lotMllaloue rlar and rrpjlatvr odor,
morr thru a yttOt arroaa and wrlghtn*
IS (Miuiida. Im color waa a light orange,
inottl.nl w ith yidlowlah white, ihr whola
i thing livid anil vlalted by carrion h»«
; rrrir. Uaier InvratlKatlomi ahowed tha
plant l<> ronalat of flower alone, directly
paratdiir on u Hpaciea of uiwiuii. It
never hue or Iravra of Ita own.
Thr rumour Hubert Brown hratowed tha
I purnr on th.* plunt Italtlrala-Arnold,
i commemorating thua Ihr tltlea of both
dlaroverrra. Haveral apcelaa are now
| known, dilTrrinK much In alar, but llttld
!In raarntlala. Their growth occupied
i but u few montha. They llrat appear aa
! knoblike protuberances protruding front
1 ihe iMH k of various aprrlea of elaaua.
The tlowera remain expimdiMl only A
1 few days and then become a disgusting
: liman of putrlllon. Aa In the almllar
mar of one well known carrion flaWer,
- tho Inaerta, attracted by tin* odor, alao
tiaaiat In the polllmitiun. There pura
attea flower at u different time front
. the hoal planta, thua making their own
; hloaaoma more prominent. They lmvo
bean cultivated In varloua botanic gar*
dena. eapedally In the eaat.
This plant Is among the giant flowers,
ranking In alz.- with thr great water lily
i of the Amazon and with some of tho
I huge tropical uroida. A pea flower lit
’ Trinidad Is said to be acveral feet In
length. Hh banner, or upper petal, being
a lope a foot long. The range from theso
titans to the ulmoat Invisible flower of
water aturwort la tremendous, but tho
little is fashioned as ourefully as the
great. Nature leaves no corner unfin
ished for the reason that It in minute.
He Threatened to brave.
The governor of n prison In Limerick
tells an amusing story of a refractory
prisoner with whom he had once to
.leal. The man refused to work on tha
treadmill and was brought before tho
governor for disobedience of the ward
er's orders. The governor asked what
objections be had to working on tho
treadmill. "Me go on the treadmill!”
lie cried. "Niven, sour.” and proudly
drawing himself up he added, "I'd ratti
er lave the jail first.”
Immured In a Pillar.
Clement Spelman of Narburg, onea
recorder of Nottingham, England, who
died m IGT9. I* immured upright in
closed m a pillar In Narburg church, so
that the inscription is directly against
his face. This is supposed to be a Sol
itary instance of burial in a pillar, al
though there i!re ninny Instances ofi
1 burial In an upright position. __