Georgia Historic Newspapers

    CUscitor, gtosutcis* €m\x
J. A. WREN,
PHOTOGRAPHIC ARTIST
Has located fora short time at
DR. EDMUNDS’ GALLERY,
ELBERTON. GA.
WHERE he I? preened to execute every class
of work io his line to the satisfac
tion of all who bestow their patronage Confi
dent of his ability to plea -e, he cordially iuvites
8. test of his skill, with the guarantee that if he
does net pas’ a critical inspection it need not be
taken. mcb24.tf.
MAKER A SPECIALTY OF
Copying & Enlarging Old Pictures
BOOTS * SHOES.
rpilE UNDERSIGNED RESPECTFULLY AN-
J- non noes to the people of Elberton and
surrounding country that he lias opened a first
class
Boot and Shoe
SHOP IN ELBERTON
VYh ere liejs prepared to make any style of Boot
er Shoe desired, at shqrt notice and with prompt
ness.
REPAIRING NEATLY EXECUTED.
The patronage of the public is respectfully
solicited.
ap.vui-tf g.w. (am:ticii r.
H. K. CAIRDNER,
ELBERTON, GA.,
DEALER IN
HI COUS EICEEIES,
HAIIDVVARE, (JROCKCRY,
BOOTS, SHOES, HATS
Nolions, Sec-
LIGHTCARRIAGES' & BUGGIES.
J. F. AX; LD
Carriage am u fact'it
<;borgm.
WITH GOOD WORKMAN!
LOWEST PRICES I
CLOSE PERSONAL ATTENTION TO
BUSINESS. AND AN EXPERIENCE
OF 27' YEARS,
Be hopes by honest and fair liealin'g to compete
any other manufactory.
Pnei Bugsies, warranted, - $125 to $l6O
R I? PA IRING A N D BLACKS MITII! NG
W ork done in this line in the very best style.
Tlie Best Harness
TERMS CASH.
Mr 2 2-1 T
J. M. BARFIELD,
ifcFWW
**&/
TI I E It EA E LIVE
Fashionable Tailor,
Up-Stairs, over Swift & Arnold’s Store,
EEBGRTON, GEORGIA.
®oTCall and See Him.
THE EI,BEIIT ON
AIR-LINE HOUSE
13 NOW OPENED BY
G. W. BRISTOL & WIFE,
ON the corner of the Public Square, opposite
the Globe Hotel. Terms reasonable. In
connection with the House is a
GOOD STAELE,
Attended by good host lei?. sepS-tf
I', t. F. SOGLCTT,
m&mm wm%
ELBERTON, GA.
W 1 contract for work in STONE endlE'CK
anywhere in Elbert coutiiy [jeldtSm
PLANTERS’ WAREHOUSE!
BUM k [B(U.
WARciiorse tvo conn smo\
MGCtCI) % VI S,
Building Lately Occupied by Ma. 0. D
James as a Livery Stable.
‘YJT'ILL give (heir personal client ion to the
V V Weighing and Storage of COTTON. Pn.fc
icuagr respectfully solicited. SepS- tint
JT. §. E HDiCTT,
attorney at law,
ELSSBTB3f, GA.
JOSEPH A. WORLIiF,
ATTORNEY AT LAW,
SLBSfiIGN, GA.
ITTII,L PRACTICE IN THE NORTHERN &
YV Western Circuits. oc!2,tf
THE GAZETTE.
ESTABLISHED 1859.
ISTew Series.
CAMP-MEETING SERMON.
BY H. H. B
The following bit of drollery has ap
peared in the independent:
In the Autumn of 1830 I attended a
Methodist camp meeting in the interior
of Georgia, and heard a sermon which I
have never been able to forget or de
scribe. At the earnest solicitation of
friends, I have attempted several times
to write it; but it cannot be put upon
paper. The main force of it was in' the
snuffing and spitting and gleaning and
houud-after-a-fox sort of yelp and bine,
to which no pen can do justice. It must
be intoned to be appreciated. 1 have
preached it a thousand times for the
amusement of friends, and have been
satisfied with my effort. I have used
it as a remedial agent in exorcising the
demons of hypochondria, and have never
failed “to send them down a steep place
in the sea.” or somewhere else, to the
great relief of the sufferer.
The speaker had just been licensed,
and it was his first sermon. In person
he was small, bullet-headed, of a fair,
sandy complexion, and his countenance
was indicative of sincerity and honesty.
His remarks evinced great reverence
for the works of God as manifested in
zoology and natural history, and he
“was taking up the Bible in regular or
der for the first time in his life.” He
had gotton as far as the history of Noah,
the Ark, the Flood, etc. Besides, ‘ just
before bis conversion he had been lead
ing Goldsmith’s ‘Animated Nater,’ and
the two together, by the aid and assis
tance of the Sperit, had led him into a
powerful train of thinking as be stood at
his work bench day in and day out.”
But whatever his sermon may have
been, it was his own : “As it was in the
days of Noah, so shall the coming of the
Soil of Man be.” After commenting
upon that portion of Genesis descriptive
of the flood, he “warmed up” suddenly,
and broke out in the following strains :
“Yes, my brethren, the windows of the
heavens was opened-ah, and the floods
of tlie-g r-e-a-t deep kivered the waters
ah, and there was Shorn, and there was
Ham, and there was Japheth ah, all a
gwine into the Ark-ah.
“And there was the hippopoptamus ah, :
that g-r-e-a-t janimal-uh of which o.oa ,
smith describes in hi3 ‘Animated Nater’- j
ah what has a g-r-e a-t horn-all a stickin’ 1
right straight up out of his foreward-ah
six feet long more or less-ah, depending
somewhat on the length of it all a-11 a
gwine into the Ark all.
“And there was the giraffe-ab, my
bletherin’, that ill-contrived reptile of
which Goldsmith describes in his ‘Ani
mated-Nater-ah, whose forelegs is twenty
five feetlong-ah, more orless-ah,depend
ing somewhat on the length of ’em-ah,
and a neck so long he can eat hay oft’
the top of a barn-ah, depending some
what on the hitbe of the barn all, a ll a
gwine into the Ark ah. And the heav
ens of the windows was opened-ah, and
the great deep kivered the waters
ah ; and there was Japheth ah, a-11 a-,
gwine into the Ark-ah.
“And there was the zebra, my breth
ren-ah, that b-e a-u-t-i-f u 1 animal of
which Goldsmith describes in liis ‘Ani
mated Natur’ ah, what has three bun
dred stripes around his body ah, more or
less, depending somewhat on the number
of stripes ah, and nary two stripes alike
ah, a-1-1 gwine into the Ark ah.
“And there was the anaconder-ah,
that g-r-e-a-t sarpint of which Goldsmith
describes in liis ‘Animated Nater’ab,wbat
can swallow six oxens at a meal-ah, pro
vided his appetite don’t call for less-ah,
a-11 a gwine into the Ark-ah. And the
heavens of the windows was opened-ah,
and the floods of the great deep kivered
the waters ah, and there was Shem, and
there was Ham, and there was Ja j
phetb-ah.
“And there was the lion, brethren-ah,
what is the king of beasts, accordin to
Scrister ah, and who, as St. Paul says-ah,
prowls around of a night like a roarin’
devil-ab, a seekiu’ if he can’t catch
somebody ah; a-11 a-gwine into the Ark
ah.
“And there was the antelope-ah, my j
brethren, that frisky little critter ah, of
which Goldsmith describes in his ‘Ani
mated Nater’-ah, what can jump seven
ty-five foot straight up-ah, and twice that
distance down ah provided his legs will
take him that fur ah, a 1 1 a-gw:ne into
the Ark ah. And the heavens of the win
dows was opened-ah, the floods of the
great deep kivered the waters.ah, and
there was Japheth ah, alia gwine into
the Ark ah.”
Just at this point be stopped speak
ing a few moments, wiped his forehead,
turned back his wristbands, ran his fin
gers through his hair, spit and rubbed
his boot in it, drank a little water, com
menced on a lower key, and proceeded
as follows;
“But time would fail me, my brethren,
to describe all the aniu als that went in
to the ark-ah. Your patience and my
strength would give out befoi e I got
half through ah. We talk, ray brethren,
about the faith-er of Abraham and the pa
tience of Job-ah ; but it strikes me they
didn’t go much ahead of old Noer ah.
It took a light smart chance of both to
gether up that gopher wood and pitch
and other truck for to build that craft-ah.
I am a sort of carpenter myself, and
have some idea of the job-ah. But ham
mer, and saw, and maul, and split away
on that old thing a hundred and twen
ty year ah, an’ lookin’ for his pay in an
other world-ah—l tell yoi ,my brethren,
lif the Lord had a-sot Job at that, its
ELBERTOI, GEORGIA, XOV’R 10. 1875.
my opinion he would a-tuck his wife’s
advice inside of fifty year-all. Besides,
no doubt, his righteous soul was vexed
every day, hand runnin’, with the filthy
communications of the blaspbemious set
that was always a loaferin' and a saun
terin’ around ah, a-pickin’ up his tools,
and a misplacin ’em, and a-callin’ him an
old fool or somethin’ worse-ali; and to
caji the climax, he was a preacher, and
had that ungodly gineration on his
hands every Sunday-all. But the Lord
stood by him and seed him through the
job-ah ; and when everything was ready
he didn't send Noer out to crimmage an’
scour and hunt all over the wild world,
for to git up the critters and varmounts
that he wanted saved ah. They all come
to Ins hand of their own accord, and
Noer only had to hand ’em in and fix
’em around in their places-ah. Then he
gethered up his own family, and the
Lord shut him in, and the heavens of the
windows was opened-ah.
“But, my brethren, Noer had use for
patience after this-ab. Some of ’em, ae
cordin’ to Goldsmith’s ‘Animated Nater,’
was camiverous and wanted fresh meat
all ; and some was herbiverous and want
ed vegetable food-all; and some was
wormiverous and swallowed whole
things-ah; and he had to feed every
thing accordin’ to his nater. Hence we
view, my < rediren, as the nater of the
animal wasn’t altered by going into the
ark-ah, some of ’em would roar and
howl, and bark, and bray, and squeal, and
blate the whole endurin’ niglit-ah, a-dri
vin’ sleep from his eyes anl slumber
from his eyelets-ali; and at the first
streak o’ daylight the last hoof of ’em
would set up a noise accordin’ to its na
ter-ab, and the bulls of Baslian weren’t
nowhar-ab. I’ve often wondered how
the women stood it. Scripter is silent
on this pint-ah ; but I think I know of
some that would a-been vapory and ner
vous upon sich circumstances-ah; and
in an onguarded moment might a-said
somethin’ besides their prayers-ah.”
Heie the speaker stopped again, spit,
took water, etc, and hastened to a con
clusion.
“My brethren,” said he, “one more
word fur old Noer ah, and I will draw to
a close-ah. After the outbeatin’ time he
had first and last, for so many hundred
year ah, if he did, by accident or other
wine, take a leetle too much wine on one
occasion- ih, I think less ort to a-been
said about it-ah. Besides, I think lie
was entitled to one spree ab, as he made
the wine hisself, and, accordin’ to Scrip
ter, it makes glad the heart of man-ah.
“My brethren, as it was in the days of
Noer-ah, so shall the coming of the son
of man be ah.
The wcrld will never be drowned
again-ah. It will be sot a-fire, and burnt
up, root and branch, with a fervient
heat ah Oh! what will wretched sin
ners do-ali ? They won’t feel fit for to
live nor for to die-ah. They will be put
to their wits’ end, and knock and strad
dle around in every direction ah. For
all at onct, my brethren ah, they will be
hold the heavens a-darkenin’-ab, the
mountains a-meltin ah, and everything I
think will be m a confused and onset
tied state ah *1
“May the Lord add his blessin’—
Amen !”
YOUNG AMERICA IN PARSING.
Teacher.—Parse man.
Pupil.—Man is a common noun, of the
feminine gender—common, ’cause he can
be bought cheap ; and feminine gender,
’cause he’s always got women- on the
brain ; eighth person, ’cause bis wife and
six children come first; is in the object
ive case, and governed by a woman.
T.—Next, parse woman.
P.—Woman is a female noun, of the
masculine gender, ’cause she wears the
brechaloons and is determined to vote ;
she’s compounded of whalebone, cotton,
starch, smiles, sunshine and thunder
clouds ; is in the first person, ’cause
she' alway’s the person speaking; plu
ral number, ’cause she makes more noise
than half a dozen parrots; is in the ob
jective case, and governed by the fash
ions.
T. —Next, parse boy.
P.—Boy is an uncommon noun, of the
goslin’ gender and female persuasion ;
uncommon, ’cause he’s hard to find now
adays ; goslin’gender, ’cause he soon en
ters threshold of goosehead; female per
suasion, ’cause he’s always got the heart
sick about some female ; first person,
big Ike; singular number, ’cause he’s
nobody buthimself ; In the objective case
and governed by his embryo moustache,
Schiedam schnaps, and the length of bis
daddy’s purse.
T.—Next, parse girl.
P.—Girl is an angelic noun, ’cause she
paints her cheeks and loves inguns; she’ <
compounded of cosmetics, flowers, fuss
and feathers ; is of masculine tenden
cies, ’cause she wears shirt bosoms, pa
per collars, and always has her head full
of boys; singular number, ’cause the
boys are afraid of them and matrimony
has played out; third person, ’cause
she’s much spoken of; in the objective
case, and governed by a gipsy bonnet.
T. —Next, parse corn.
P.—Corn is an uncommon noun,’cause
farmers have well nigh quit raising it;
; it is used as an adjective, and belongs to
j Tennessee, Ohio, and Kentucky. When
I parsed as a noun it is the objective case,
and governed by cotton.
1 T. —Next, parse cotton,
j P-—Cotton is a royal noun, of the
starving gender ; royal, ’cause its Ting
, (but only over the southern people).
Starving gender, ’cause it has well nigh
| starved out the South ; in the objective
case, and governed by lazy freedmen.
T.—Next, parse fashion.
P-—Fashion is a tyrannical noun,
’cause it must be obeyed, and laughs at
a poor toan’s purse; common gender,
’cause all people bow to it; it is com
pounded of flounces, flimsies, ruffles,
| snuffles, bubbles, troubles, ruff's, Cliff ,
j scuffs, higgles, giggles, curls, furls, hairs,
i snares, grecian bend, and fuss and fea
! tliers. It was once in the objective case
| and governed by Eugenie, but is now
| in the nominative case, independent.
T.—Next, parse baby.
P— Baby is a musical noun, ’cause it
sings a soft tune between midnight and
I day, especially of a cold night; it is
neuter gender, ’cause it is neither male
nor female until it is big enough to wear
breeches. It weighs according to size,
and measures according to proportions.
Is compounded of milk and lungs—es
pecially lungs—grows at a rapid rate,
and soon learns to smoke segars, drink
spirits, talk short to dad, and make love
to the gals. It’s also of the spoilt gen
der, ’cause it’s allowed to put its foot in
the gravy whenever it chooses ; is in the
objective case, and governed by candy
and sugar plums.
T.—Pni se matrimony.
P.—Matrimony is an ancient noun, of
the defunct gender, ’cause it’s played
out. Girls are plentiful as blackberries,
but they’ve got nothing, “they toil not,
neither do they spin ; yet Solomon, in
all his glory,” ceuld not dress like ’em.
Matrimony is compounded of the words
mate and money, but when there’s a
match nowadays its nothing without the
money. Third person, ’cause its spoken
of much by the gals. In the objective
case, and governed by the spondulicks
of the gal’s daddy.
T.—Parse kissing.
P.—Kissing is a common labial noun,
of the explosive gender, ’cause it is usu
ally attended with various explosive
sounds, sometimes like the bursting of a
torpedo, sometimes like the sucking of a
calf, sometimes like unto weeping—for
Jacob kissed Rachel, and she lifted up
her voice and wept. It is common,
cause it is peculiar to all sizes and sexes
and ages, especially young girls, preach
ers and widows. Kissing is derived
from bussing, and is of various kinds.
•First, there is re-bus, which is bussing
again. Second, there is omnibus, which
is bussing all the gills in the room.
Third, there is blunderbuss, which is
one man kissing another man’s wife.
Fourth, there is syllabus, which is one
girl kissing another girl, where so many
boys are spoiling for a buss. It is sec
ond person, ’cause it takes two persons
to perform the operation ; plural number
’cause they generally take more than
one when they get a chance; is in the
objective case, and governed by sur
rounding circumstances.
THE BRINDLE DOG.
Yesterday morning a soap-haired
youth of eighteen was drawing a big
brindled dog around the City Hall Mar
ket, anxious to find a purchaser. A cor
pulent old chap, smoking a long pipe
and dodging the rain, finally halted the
young man and asked :
“My frent, how little you vi ants for
dose dog?”
“Two dollars will take him,” was the
reply, “and a better dog never stood on
four legs and howled.’’
“Vhell, goom mit me,” continued the
old chap, raising his umbrella. He pad
died a full mile through the pouring
rain, the young man and the bindled dog
at his heels, and, reaching home at last,
the dog was led in. The old man re
filled his pipe, and sat down and said:
“Now, my frent, ish dose a good
dog?”
“He’s the best kind of a dog,” was the
reply.
“Does he keep tieves away from my
house ?”
“You bet he will! Why he would chaw
up a man quicker’n a flash!”
“Does he keep der pat poys out of my
gar ten ?”
“Well, you ought to see him go for a
boy once. He’s had his teeth into every
boy in Macomb county.”
“Does he like my children ?”
“Like ’em ? Why that’s his great hold.
Nothing so pleases him as a house full
of childi’en.”
The old man hesitated for a minute
and then asked:
“Can doze dog play on the fiddle?”
“Play on a fiddle? Why—why—yes,
sir, he can! He can play seven different
tunes on a fiddle.”
It was a big lie, but the soap haired
young man was bound to make a sale if
be bad to buy truth out of sight.
“Can doze dog play on a horn in der
pr ies pand ?” asked the old man after a
pause.
“On a horn? Why, he has led the Mt.
Clemens band for the last year! Yes,
sir-e-e, he can play on a horn with any
bedy!”
The old man was a little staggered,
and he waited quite a while before ask
ing :
“Can doze dog write ledders for me to
my brudders in Shermany ?”
“Write? Write letters?”
“Yaw.”
“I wish I bad pen and paper here! He
writes the most beautiful band you ever
saw, and he writes like lightnirg! I
could hire him for fifty dollars a month
to keep books, but I don’t want to work
him too hard. Besides, there’s a mort
gage on my farm, and I must have mon
ey to raise it.”
“Der brice is two dollar?”
“Only two dollar. He’s worth a hun-
Vol. IV-No. 28.
dred if he’s worth a cent, but I’m forced
to sell. If you keep him till March I’ll
buy him back and give you two hundred
dollars for him.”
The old man smoked away for awhile
and then asked:
“Can doze dog baint a house ?”
“Paint a house! I’d like you to see
three big houses he painted last week.
He’s as good as three men, and he never
wastes a drop of paint. I’m in a hurry
to catch the train, and I’d like the mon
ey.”
“Two dollar ?”
“Yes, two dollars. You’ll never have
another such chance.”
The old made a motion towards his
wallet, but let his hand drop and in
quired :
“Can doze dog shump over der City
Hall ?”
This was a crusher. The young man
knew he couldn’t Deat it, and he replied:
“No. I don't think he can ; but I'll war
rant him to jump forty feet and catch a
fly!”
“You can dake dose dog away, my
frent,” said the old man.
“Ycu won’t take him ?”
“No, zur; I vhants no dog what can’t
chump over der City Hall!”
“But you made a fair bargain and said
you’d take him.”
“I can't help dot. Vhen I bays two
dollars for a dog he shall be able to
shump like a pil'd.”
And the young man dragged his brin
led dog out of the house and back to
the market, where he offered him for fif
ty cents without getting a buyer.
HOW TRUFFLES DID IT.
I returned to Ashville after an absence
of three years and found my friend Truf
ties grown fat and jovial, with a face the
very mirror of peace and self satisfac
tion. Truffles was[the village baker, an 1
he was not like this when I went away.
“Truffles,” said I, “how is it? You
have improved.”
“Improved! How?”
“Why, in every way. What have you
been doihg?”
Just then a little girl came in with a
tattered shawl and barfooted, to whom
Truffles gave a loaf of bread. “Oh,
dear, Mr. Truffles,” the child said, with
brimming eyes, as she took the loaf of
bread; “mamma is getting better, and
she says she owes so much to you. She
blesses you, indeed she does.”
“That’s one of the things I’ve been do
iug,” he said, after the child had gone.
“You are [giving the suffering family
bread ? ’ I inquired.
“Yes.”
“Have you any more cases like that ?”
“Yes, three or four of them. I give
them a loaf a day—enough to feed
them.”
“And you take pay ?”
“Not from them.”
“Ah 1 from the town ?”
“No ; here,” said Truffles, laying his
hand on his breast. “I’ll tell you,” he
added, smiling. “One day, over a year
ago, a poor woman came to me and
asked for a loaf of bread, for which she
could not pay—she wanted it for her
poor suffering children. At first 1 hesi
tated, but finally I gave it to her, and as
her blessings rung in my ears after she
had gone, I felt my heart grow warm.
Times were hard, and there was a good
deal of suffering, and I found myself
wishing, by and by, that I could afford
to give away more bread. At length an
idea struck me. I’d stop drinking, and
give that amount away in bread, adding
one or two loaves on my account. I did
it, and it's been a blessing to me. My
heart lias grown bigger, and Ive grown
better every way. My sleep is sound and
sweet, and my dreams are pleasant. And
that’s what you see, I supose.”—N. Y.
Observer.
“Heal Thyself.”— The People’s Com
mon Sense Medical Adviser, a book of
about 900 pages, illustrated with over
250 engravings and colored plates, and
sold at the exceedingly low price of
$1 50, tells you how to cure Catarrh.
Liver Complaint,” Dyspepsia, or Indi
gestion, Sick, Bilious, and other Head
aches, Scrofula, Bronchial, Throat, and
Lung D seases; all diseases peculiar fo
women, and most other chronic as well
as disorders. It contains important in
formation for the young and old, male
female, single and married, nowhere else
to be found. Men and women, married
and single, are tempted to ask their fam
ily physician thousands of questions on
delicate topics, but are deterred from
doing so by their modesty. This work
answers just such questions so plainly
as to leave no one in doubt. It is sold
by Agents, or sent by mail (postpaid) on
receipt of price. Address the author, 11.
Y. Pierce, M. D., World’s Dispensary,
Buffalo, N. Y.
A Valuable Work. —Dr. It. V Pierce,
of Buffalo distinguished in surgery, and
the general practice in the profession he
honors, has made a valuable'contribution
to the medical literature of the day, in a
comprehensive work entitled “The Peo
pie’s Common Sense Medical Adviser.’
While scientific throughout, it is singu
larly free from techical and tilted terms.
It comes right down to the common
sense of every day life. Dr. Pierce is a
noble specimen of American manhood.
He has sprung from the people; and,
with many sympathies in common with
the masses, has sought to render them a
suubstatial service in this the great work
of his life.—[Lafayette Daily Courier.
Ode to the printer—a year’s subscrip
tion.
POETICAL.
I SECRET.
In and out where the ferry boat iay
Streamed a hurrying, endless throng)
’Tv/as the busiest hour of a busy day,
So they pushed and jnstlel and elbowed
along.
But a lady, youthful and fair and sweet,-
Paused with gesture—half pity, half pain—
For a pale, thin lad with misshapen feet
Limped at her side on crutches twain.
So, close together, they crossed the plank,
Then the lady, sighing, turned to her friend:
“Poor boy! his life is a dreary blank,
He must struggle hopelessly *n to the end.”
With a peaceful look the Cripple turned,
He had caught her meaning, though whisper*
ed low,
“My lesson,” he answered,” “waS long ago
learned,
I am waiting, only waiting, you kuoW.
“Wailing? for what?” she wondering said.
His voice with a sudden gladness rings,
His pale cheek flushes with joyous red—
“ Waiting for wings, lady, waiting fo) - w ings.’
PARTED.
They say we art severed forever,
Our paths in the future must part,
Ah me! shall I know again never
The peace that once dwelt in my heart?
I met thee when lifeVas the brightest,
The world like a picture to file ;
When tny laugh was ever the lightest,
My heart full of innocent glee.
I loved thee 1 My days passed in dreams
Of sweetest, purest delight;
T said, “.Surely love on me beams”—
I thought of no dark coming night,
Alas 1 for the fast falling teats
I weep tor the dream that is o’er;
Alne! for the cold, cheerless years,
The love I shall know nevermore.
LAI JO IIOG RAMS.
An unpaid board bill will strike terror to
the heart of the best poet living.
The name of a late centenarian was Lettus
Steel, lie was no politician either.
Mine. Patou, ninety four years old, still dances
'n a g F re licit circus Company, which leads to the
belief that her method is Patented.
The best paper now issued is the greenbacks
signed by Treasurer New. It is not on our ex
change list, however.
Babies are not named Henry Ward as much
as they used to be, but they are still noted for
paroxysms of true inwardness.
A Vincennes, Ind., min and his wife, after a
stand up fight of an hour concUtded to call it
-‘a draw.” She drsw about six handfuls ol hair
out of his head.
Touching conclusion of an obituary notice in
in Indiana newspaper : “He was an elder in the
Methodist church and the leader _of the brass
band in the village ”
Child—“ Does the Lord take the papers?”
Mother—“No, my child; why do you ask?”
Child—“Oh, I thought He didn’t, it talus our
minister so long to tell him about things.”
“Poor fellow—be had u good deal in him,”
was the sorrowing remark ol a Mississippi edi
itor over the body of a subscriber shot in a gin
mill. The coroner’s inquest subsequently veri
fied the assertion.
“You appear in anew role, don’t yon, old
fellow V was what the impertinent youig man
remarked a3 ho dug a cockroach out of his
fresh bread at the breakfast table. A roseate
flush permeated tiic landlady’s pallid cheek.
A Chicago organist returned from a journey
the other day and found an exquisite lyre sus
pended above the keyboard of his instrument.
Pondering on this story, the Detroit Post wants
to know when the editor of the Chicago Times
committed suicide.
A Dubuque youngster, learning that tannin
could be used to make the skin so hard and
tough in exposed places that chafing and blis
tering would not oceu/•, acted accordingly;
and nvw any amount of tffe parental hand
and shingle has no terrors for him.
A young man employed on Commerce street
is six feet eight inches high, and weighs a trifle
over one bundled pounds. They judge by his
appetite that he is hollow clear down, and think
of amputating o.ie fool and using hifn l'or a
stovepipe.—[Norwich Bulletin.
An eastern tramp, who h; and been over Wis
consin, st.ys the names of the towns savor too
much of pedestrianism, to suit his notion of a
-‘piinter’s slaie.” There is Milwaukee, Wau
kesha, Ocooowoc, Manitowoc, Waukegan, Pe
wankee, and a dozen other “walks,’" but darned
little work.
Church committee to brother Jones—“ Bro
(her Jones, it is reported that you make alto.
• ether too much fiee use of ardent spirits, an’
we have been appointed to investigate the ma'
ter; what have you lo say in regard to the silt
ject? BrolherJones—“Wall, sometimes I guess
do drink more than 1 raly need, then again
don’t git any, but I mean to kieder avera,
it.” •
Yesterday morning when a man entered h
house after an all-night’s absence, his cloth
covered with blood and his hair full of gras
his wife sternly demanded: “Now, then, whei
have yea been?” “Whirivi’ bin?” “Yes, sir.
‘ Well,” be replied, looking down at himself,
“you kin call it blowed up on a steamboat, o
iun over by a tornado- I ain’t a bit partickli
which!” •
Eight suits have been institued in New Yo.
against persons who resisted the census-takei
Of these sis were women who rebelled at ti
insinuating Inquiry. Are you male or fema’
and if so how long - ”
“It’s horrible to be economical,” said a pre
woman to Quiz, with the utmost plantiveness
‘ ‘There’s no use of living if you cant dress we
What is a woman, anyhow,‘without her clot
es?” And Quiz laughed a little, and chokeu
himself, and blushed and didn’t answer.