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SATURDAY, April i ■«, 1789.3 A THE AUGUSTA CHRONICLE AND GAZETTE of the STATE. 1 • —T I - 1 - • ■— —— ~ 1 ■■ FREEDOM of the PRESS, and TRIAL by JURY, to remain inviolate forever. Conjliiution of Georgia* AUGUSTA: Printed by JOHN E. SMITH, Printer to tiiE State; Essays, Articles of Intelligence , Advertisements , $c. will be gratefully received , and every kind of Printing performed . Humorous Relation of the Dis tress of a Bafhful Man. [From “ Varitty a Colie Sion of E/Jays'] Sir, I LABOUR under a species of diftref 5 which I fear will at length drive me ut terly from that society in which I am most ambitious to appear; but I will give you a short sketch of my origin and present situa tion, by which you will be enabled to judge of my difficulties. My father was a farmer of no great pro- * perty, and with no other learning than what he had acquired at a charity school; but my mother being dead, and I an only child, he determined to give me that advantage which he fancied would have made him happy, viz. a learned education. I was sent to a country grammar school, and from thence to the tJni verfity, with a view of qualifying for holy orders. Here, having but small allowance from my father, and being naturally of a ti mid and baffiful disposition, I had no oppor tunity of rubbing off that native awkward- j nefs which is the fatal cause of all my uuhap pinefs, and which I now begin to fear can ne ver be amended. You mud know, that in my person I am tall and thin, with a fair com plexion, and light flaxen hair; but of such - cxtitfrne fufeeptibility of fliame, that, on the fmallieff fubjeef of coftfufion, my blood rallies , into my cheeks, and I appear a perfeft full ; blown rose. The consciousness of this un- , happy failing made me avoid society, and I became enamoured of a college life; parti cularly when'l reflated that the uncouth man ners ot my father’s family were little calcu lated to improve ray' outward conduct; I therefore had resolved on living at the Uni versity and taking pupils, when two unexr peded events greatly altered the softure of my affairs, Wiz. my father’s death, aftd the arrival of an uncle from the Indies. This uncle I had very rarely heard mv la ther mention, and it was generally believed that he was long since dead, when he arrived in England only a week too late to clyfe his brother’s eyes. I am ashamed to confefs, what I believe has been often experienced by thpfe whose education has been better than their'parents, that my poor father’s ignorance . and vulgar language had often made me blush i to think' I was his fon’j and at his death I was » not incoufolable for the loss of tfjdt which I was ribt unfrequently alhamed to own. My uncle had been but little affeded, for he hid been feparared from lus brother more than thirty years, and in that time he had acquired a fortune which he used to brag would make a Nabob happy ; in ffiorr, he had brought over with him the enormous sum of thirty thousand pounds, and upon this he built* his hopes of never, ending happiness. While he was planning fcheraes of greatness and de light, whether the change of climate* might affeft him, or what other cause I know not, but he was snatched from all his dreams of joy by a ihort illnefa, of which he died, leav ing me heir to all his property. And now, Sir, behold we at the age of twenty-five well flocked with Latiu, Greek, and Mathematics, poffeffcd of an ample fortune, but so awk ward and unversed in every gentleman-like •ceomplifhmenr, that I am pointed at by ail who fee meat the wealthy hantd tUwn* GEORGIA ; I have lately purchased an ertatc in the country, which abound* iu (what is called) a fathionable neighbourhood ; and when you refled on my parentage and uncouth manner, you will hardly think how mu< h my company is courted by the furroundirrg families, espe cially by those who have marriageable daugh ters. From these gentlemen I have received familiar calls, and the mod prefling invita tions, and, although I wilhed to accept their offered friendship, I have repeatedly exetifed myfelf under the pretence of not b'cing quite fettled ; far the truth is, that, when I have rode or walked, with full intention to return their fevera! visits, my heart has failed me as I approached their gates, and I have frequent ly returned homeward, resolving to try again to-morrow. However, I at length determined to con quer my timidity* and three days a*o accept** ed of an invitation to dine this day with one whose open eafv manner left me no room to doubt a cordial welcome. Sir Thomas Friendly, who lives about two miles diflant, is a Baronet, with about tWothoufand pounds a year eflate, joining to that I purchased ; be has tWo son s and five daughters, all grown up, and living with their mother and a mai den fffter of Sir Thomas’s, at Friendly-Hall, dependent on their father. Conscious of my unpoiiflied gait, I have for fame time part taken private leffnis of a Proffor, who teat li es u grown gentlemen to dance and though I found won Herons difficulty at firit in the art he taught, my knowledge of the marhcma'ks was of prodigious nfe, in teaching me the equilibrium of mv body, and the due adjust ment of the centre of gravity to the five po sitions. Hiving now acquired the art of walk ing without tottering, and learned to make a how, I boldly ventured to obey tlie Baronet’s invitation to a family dinner, not doubting but my new acquirements would enable me to fee the ladies with tolerable intrepidity : but, alas ! how vain are all the hopes of theo ry when unfnpported by habitual practice. As I approached the libtife a dinner bell alarmed my ears, left I had spoiled the din ner by want .of punctuality ; imprefled with this idea I biulhed the deepest crimson, as my name was repeatedly announced by the seve ral livery servants, who uthered me into the library, hardly knowing what or whom I faw'; at my firft entrance I fummone'd all my forti tude, and made my new learned bow to La dy Friendly, but unfortunately in bringing back my left foot to the third position, I trod upon the gouty toe of poor Sir Thomas, who had followed c lose at my heels, to be the ro menclator of the family. The coqfuflon this occasioned in me is hardly to be conceived, flpee none but baffiful men can judge of my Hiftrefs, and of that defeription the number I believe is very small. The Baronet’s polite- by degrees dissipated my concern, and I was aftonirtied to fee how far good breeding could enable him to support his feelings, and to appear with perfett ease, after lo painful an accident. The chearfulnefi of her Ladyfliip, and the familiar chat of the young ladies, insensibly led me to throw off mv reserve and fliaepiih nefs, till at length I ventured to join in con vention, and even to start frefti fubjrlls. The lihrarv being richly furuiffied with hooka in elegant bindings, I conceived Kir Thqmaa 10 t>« * man of htiratura, and vanlund to £Vol. 111. No. CXXXII.J give rny opinion concerning (hi several edi tion!* of the Greek cla flicks, in which the Ba ronet’s opinion exaftly coincided With my own. To this fubjeft I was led, by obferv ingau edition of Xtr.opbcn in sixteen volumes, which (as I had never before heard of fucli a thing) greatly excited rat curiosity, ant i rose up to examine what ic could he: Sir Thorrfas saw what I wfes about, and, (as I ftippofe} willing to save jme trouble, rose to take down the hook, which made me more eager to prevent him, and. hastily laying my hand on the fit rt volume, 1 pulled it forcibly ; but lo ! inrtead of books, a book, which by leather and gilding had been made to look like sixteen volumes, came tumbling down, and un'urkily pitched upon a Wydgwood irikrtand on the table under it. In vain did Sir Tho mas allure me there was no harm; I saw the ink fireaming from 311 inlaid table on the Tur key carper, and, scarce knowing what I did* attempted to flop its progress with my cam brick handkerchief. In the height of this confufion, we were informed that dinner waa served tip, and I with joy perceived that the bell which at firft had so alarmed my fears was only the half hour dinner hell. In walking through the hall and ftiite of apartments to the dining room, I had time' to recollert my feattered senses, and was de ’red to take my feat betwixt Lady Friendly and her eldert daughter at the table. Since the fall of the wooden Xenophon my face had been continually burning like a firebrand, and I was jufi beginning to recover mylelf, and to feel comfortably cool, when an unlocked for ac cident rekindled all mv beat and hjnlhes. 1 laving frt my plate of soup too near the edge of the table, in bowing to Miss Dinnah. who politely complimented the pattern of my waistcoat, I tumbled the whole fealding con tents into my lap. Tn spite of an immediate inppJy of napkins to wipe the furface of my clothes, my black silk breeches were not flout enough to save me from the painful effeds of this (tukien fomentation, and for some minute* my legs and thighs Teemed slewing in aboilcd canid ion ; but, recollecting how Sir Thomas had difgtiifed his torture when I trod upon his toe, I firmly bore my pain in silence, and fat wi«h my lower extremities parboiled am dft the Aided giggling of the ladies and the ftr vants. I’ will not relate the several blunder* which I maeje during the firft course, or the dift*ef» occasioned ; by my being defi'ed to carve a fowl, or help to various dirties that flood near me. spilling a faucepot and knocking down a saltcellar ; rather let me haflen to the second course, u where frerti clifaflers over whelmed me quite.” , T had a piece of rich sweet pudd : ng on my fotk, who’ll MifS Louisa Friendly I egged to trouble me for a pigeon that flood near me ; in my haste, scarce knowing what I did, I whipped the pudding into my mouth, hot as a burning coal; it was impofliblc to conceal my agony, my eyes were darting from their sockets. Atlaft, in spite of rtiame andrefo lution, I was obliged to drop the cause of tor ment on my plate. Sir Thomas and the la dies all ,rompaflionated my misfortune, and each advised a different application i 01 e re commended oil, another water, but a! 1 'greed that wine was bed for drawing out the fire; and a glaf* of flier i* was brought me from the fldeboird, which I foatched up with eager*