BY THE .TACKSON COUNTY )
PUBLISHING COMPANY. \
IT HUSHED EVERY SATURDAY,
[By thn Jark(*N ( onntj
JEFFERSON, JACKSON 6A.
Office, Northwest corner I‘ublic S<pmrc, f r
MALCOM STAFFORD, f
MANAGING AND BUSINESS EDITOR.
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(Souiitji mu! (lohmi J)im'tori|.
JACKSON SVFEEIOR COVET.
Hon. GKO. D. KICK, - - - Ju.lge.
MOKT Si’KKftt, K*q., - - Sol. Gcn'l.
COV STY OF El C EES.
ILK V (). 11 (* \\ Alii), - - - - Ordinary.
THUS. 11. NIRLACK, - - - Clerk S. Court.
JOHN S. HUNTER, - - - ... ,Sheriff
\\ INN A. WORSH AM, - - - Deputy “
Id K 3. JOHNSON Treasurer.
JAMES!,. WILLIAMSON, - - Tax Collector.
GKO. W. BROWN, ----:** Rereiver.
.1 AMKSL. J( 111 NSON, - - County Survey nr.
>V M.'W A I.LACK, - - - Coroner.
(•. J. N. \\ ! LSI IN. County School Commiss'r.
Commission kks(Roads and Lev km i:.)-Wm.
Seymour, W. J. I lay I lie, W. 0. Steed. Meet on
the Ist Fridays in August and November. T. 11.
Niblaek, Fs.j., Clerk.
M / MCI FA L OFF! ('FES, J FFFEESOX.
Dr. 11. J. I.ONO, - Mayor.
JOHN SIMPKINS, - - Clerk & Irens.
.IAS. A. It. M All AKFKV, Town Attornev.
JOHN M. IMiKNS, - Marshal.
Aldermen. James K. Randolph, George W.
Stanley, John W. Glenn, Joseph P. Williamson.
V.f CJSTEA TES A .XI) EMU EES.
Jefferson District, No. 215, N. If. Pendergrass,
J. P.; 11. T. Fleeman, .1. P. John M. Burns,
(darkesboroligh District, No. 212, F. M. llolli
dar, J. P.; M. ft. Smith, J. P.
Miller’s District. No. 155, H. F. Kidd, J. P.
( handler’s District, No. 21(, Ezekiel llewitt,
J. P. ; J. G. Burson, J. P.
Randolph's District, No. 2IS Pinckney I*.
Puklo, J. P.
Cunp’Tigham's Distriet, No. 428, J. A. Brazle
ton, J. P.; T. K. Randolph, J. P.
Newtown District, No. 253, (L W. O’Kelly*, J. P.
Minnish’s District, No. 255, VV. Hood, J. P.
Harrisburg Distriet, No. 257, Win. Al. Morgan,
House’s District, No. 213, A. A. Hill, J. P.
Santafee District, No. 1012, W. U. Boyd, J. P.
S. (J. Arnold, J. P.
Wilson’s District, No. 405, W. J. Comer, J. P.
FRA TERN A h El HECTOR V.
l iuty Lodge, No. 30, F. A. AL, meets Ist Tues
day night in each month. 11. W. licit, W. Al. ;
John Simpkins, Sec'y.
Love lodge. No. 05, T. O. O. F.. meets on 2d
and 4th Tuesday nights in each month. J. IV, Sil
inan, N. (i.; G. J. N. Wilson, Sec'y.
Stonewall I .edge. No. 214, 1.(1. (i. TANARUS., meets on
Sat onlay night before 2d and 4th Sundays in each
month. J. P. Williamson, Sr., VV. C. TANARUS.: J. B.
Pendergrass, W. R. S.
Jefferson Grange, No. 488, P. of 11., meets on
Safunlay Indore fill Sunday m each month. Jas.
K. Randolph, A!.; (5. .1. N. Wilsyn, Sec’y.
Relief (eolored) Fire Company. No. 2, meets on
lib Tuesday night in each month, lleury Long,
Captain; Neil Burns, Sec'y.
COUNTY CHURCH lUEECTOEY.
M KT HOI > I ST.
.hjfns on Circuit. —Jefferson, Harmony (irove.
Dry Fond. Wilson's, Holly Springs. \Y. A. Far
ris, I*. (I.
jtfvlherry ('irmit. —ELonezor. Bethlehem, Con
(or*l. Centre and Pleasant (irove, Lebanon. A. L.
Anderson, P. C.
Chapel and Antioch supplied from Watkins
v ille Circuit.
I‘KERRY TER! AX.
f rival ira. Rev. (.’. li. Carl ledge. Pastor; Sandy
Creek, Rev. Neil Smith, Pastor; Pleasant < irove,
Bey. (J. 11. Cartlcdge, Pastor; Mizpah, Rev. Neil
Cabin Creek, W. R. Goss, Pastor; Harmony
* irove, W. B. J. Hank-man. Pastor; /ion. Rev.
VN.II. Bridges, Pastor: Belhabra. Rev. J. .Al.
Uv s. Pastor; Academy. Rev. J. N. Coil. Pastor ;
'Hunt, Rev. , i’. M. Davis. Pastor; t’rooked
"> h, w . Stark. Pastor; Oconee Church, Rev.
\ o’ K V I, ”y> Pastor; Poplar Springs, Rev. W.
lock, Pastor; Randier ’a Creek, W. F. Stark,
P , I’ROTt; TANT METHODIST.
■ - Rw. R s, McGarrity, l a -toi
The 1*001)10 their own Rulers; Advancement in Education, Science, Agriculture and Southern Manufactures.
Uie ,] bets (Eonn’t.
“Sho who Rocks (he Cradle Rules the
Dear woman, in the dream of life,
Adorned with every winning .art;
As mother, daughter, sister, wife.
She melts the soul, she charms the heart.
AVithoiit her, what were lordly man?
A rainless cloud—a fruitless tree—
A world w iyhout a sun—a plan
That ever incomplete must he,
Her fost’ring care, devotion, love.
Seem inspirations from above.
In childhood’s hour, beside her chair
She calls the fragile form ;
She clasps her tiny hands in prayer,
Safe sheltered from the storm.
Yet man, ungrateful man the dart
Of falsehood hurls with skill;
And when he’s won a woman's heart
He seeks its love to kill.
Hef lot is to lie tried ; though pure,
To sigh, to suffer and endure.
Oh, mothers of a race unborn,
’Tis yours to speak those grand decrees
That herald in the promised morn,
'flic waiting world’s Hesperidcs f
Ye are the moulds of herald's strong,
Who guard an<l glorify* our isles;
The seas in song shall roll along
Beneath the splendor of your smiles,
The beautiful and good shall reign,
Aml sinless Kdcn bloom again.
V DETAILED AfTOI’NT OF THE FIRST BATTLE
OF Tin: REVOLUTION.
'Flic first blood shed in a conflict between
the Colonist,s and flic Kind's troops was at
tin* battle of Alamance, in North (’arolina. on
the Kith of May, 1771. On the 2 Hit of April
of 1 hat year, (Governor Tyron niarehed from
llie town of Newborn with about three hun
dred men and a small t rain of artillery. On
Hie 51 and Ith of May he was strengthened
by detachments which met, him on the way,
and by a troop of light horse, until the force
under his command exceeded a thousand
•non. On the 1.5t,h of May he approached the
‘amp of the Regulators at Alamance Creek,
n the county of that name. The story of
hat battle is well worth repeating. When
I’yron had reached the vicinity of Alamance
< 'rock, the Regulators sent a message to him
demanding a redress of their grievances, and
oid giving him four hours to reply. They
complained of exorbitant, fees exacted by of.
fiecrs of tin- Crown, and particularly* on deeds
oid testations o'sale? of landed property.,—
Until these fees were reduced, the poll fax of
•;wo dollars abolished, and official embezzle
ment prevented and punished, they declared
they would pay no taxes. 'They insisted on
their right to enjoy the privileges and liber
ties of their ancestors under the (’nnsfifufioii
framed by them, and their determination to
maintain if on its ancient foundation, so that
it might, stand firm and unshaken. Ile promis
ed to send an answer by noon the following
day. In the meantime lie sent out two per
sons—Ashe and Walker to find out the posi
tion occupied by the Regulators. They were
captured by the latter, tied to trees, severely
whipped and held as prisoners. When the
messenger, promised by Tyron, reached the
camp of the Regulators, instead of making
any concessions to them, he demanded their
submission, and gave them one hour to con
sider. Their answer was, ‘’Goback to Billy
Tyron and say we defy him.”
On the ratum of the messenger the army
marched to within three hundred yards of the
Regulators’ camp, and there halted. The
Regulators advanced also, in order of battle,
to a short reach of the road, where they halt
ed, waving their hats as a challenge to their
opponents. Gov. Tyron now sent a magis
trate and an officer w ith a proclamation com
manding the insurgents to disperse within
one hour; but they refused to listen to him,
crying out, ’’Battle, battle !” On the return
of the magistrate, the Governor, understand
ing that the Regulators proposed to put Ashe
and Walker in front, of their lines, sent a
message that he should keep the prisoners he
had taken in a place of safety, he hoped the
same care would be taken of those gentlemen.
To this they returned no direct answer, but
ottered to surrender the two prisoners if the
Governor would surrender those he had taken,
seven in numlier. 'The proposition of so un
equal an exchange, implying a concession on
the part of the Governor, was at first reject
ed ; but afterwards, at the solicitation of his
men. who were apprehensive of the treatment
"t hese two persons' might receive, he agreed to
the exchange. The enemy being tardy in
their compliance, and the army complaining
of the extreme heat of the sun and manifest
ing great impatience to advance, it was
thought advisable to lead them on. They
marched in profound silence till the lines of
both parties met. almost breast to breast.—
The Governor forbade his men to lire until he
The troops in the first rank were almost
mixed with those of the van-guard of the ene
my stationed a little before the main Ihrlv,
and who now began to retire upon it, shout
ing defiance and daring their op|>onenfs to
advance. The army kept on till within twen
ty-five yards of them, and then halted. The
Regulators cont inued to call on the Governor
to order his men to lire, several of them ad
vancing toward the artillery, opening their
breasts and defying them to begin. As Ty
rou still hesitated, they fell back slowly to a
fine defensive position, leaving the Governor
and his troops open to their tire, whilst most
of them were secure from his. Another parley
ensued. An Adjutant was sent forward to
say if they did not directly lay down their
arms they should be fired on. That order the
Governor then gave, but it was not immedi
ately obeyed ; whcronjion, rising in las stir
rups and turning to his men. he called out,
“Fire oil them, or on me.” Tho action now
began., and aluio.T instantly became general.
The ins id i ut . pur uing the Indian mode
JEFFERSON, JACKSON COUNTY, GA., JUNE 12, 1875.
of fight ing, did considerable injury to the
King’s troops, who would have been defeated,
but for the excellent service done by the ar
tillery, which the Regulators, being ivxnlj*
armed, were unable to capture. Neverthe
less, with the odds against them, they fought
desperately for more than an hour, and did
not take to flight until all their ammunition
It is our duty .to do honor to these men.
Disdaining to live under a tyrannical gov
ernment, many of those who survived the bat
tle of Alamance crossed the mountains into
Tennessee, opened new settlements there,
and on the 4t h of October, 1780, formed part
of the gallant band that fought the memorable
battle of King's Mountain. — Baltimore Ga
“Worth Thinking About.”
Tt, is a fact worth thinking alioutthat in t he
next Congress there are eighty -two rebel sol
diers and only tWcnty-fivc Union ones.”—
Louis a ille Commercial, and " loyal'' ncwsjKi
It is also a fact worth thinking alxnit—one,
too, that proclaims itself from all the house
tops—that the people are sick and tired of
being taxed to the point of confiscation by the
so-called “loyal” Union legislators,both State
and National. It is another fact worth think
ing about, that the people are tired out of all
patience with seeing the Constitution violated
and their liberties trampled under foot by
men who, having “saved the Union” ten
years ago, have ever since been doing their
level best, to bankrupt and Mexieaui/.c the
whole country, as they did actually succeed
in Africanizing and making a Roland of one
half of it. In a word, the people have suffer
ed so much during the last decade in mind,
pocket, and general estate, by these “truly
loyal” fellows, who esteem i! their peculiar
privilege to violate the Constitution and the
laws whenever they st and in the way of their
corrupt schemes, that they determined last,
fall to turn them adrift and put in their
places those eighty-two honest rebel soldiers
•>f the South, of whom, whatever else may be
said against them, it was never charged that
they would steal, or violate their oaths to
support the Constitution.
Indeed, there is the highest Republican au
thority Ibr saying that these honest “rebel
soldiers” and Southerners were badly wanted
back at Washington years before any con
siderable number of them were permitted to
find their way back there. As far back as
18(17, a leading Republican Senator from New
England—afterwards, we believe, a minister
to a Kuropean Court—gave emphatic utter
ance to this want in a conversation with
I ’resident Johnson, lie said : “Those fiery,
hot-headed rebels and secessionists were al
ways Inmost—always strict constructionists
>1 the Constitution. Nobody ever accused
them of stealing. They were just as far from
robbing Uncle Sam a ? they were from steal
ing from one another; and r, for one, want
t hem back here in order to put a stop to this
wholesale public stealing that has been going
>n in every department, of the Government
ever since the war broke out. By the Et ernal!
sir, we must have them back here pretty six in,
ir it will not be long before Uncle Sam is
robbed of his last dollar of money, and his
last acre of land.”— Kent why Yeoman.
The Country Press.
It is a fact that you can reach the countr\
trade and public much cheaper and far more
effectually by advertising in the standard pa
pers of the country than by any other imams.
Hie money invested in expensive cards and
costly circulars is capital sunk, and we enter
tain seriousdoubts of any one ever having
scoured a customer by the new tangled give
aways, or glittering gewgaws, so lavishly dis
tributed by tlashy tradesmen.
The old established weekly newspaper is
after all the most advantageous medium for
the city dealer to reach t he country customer :
it is read from the topmost line in the
left hand corner of its title page to the end
letter ot the final word on the last page, and
—entertaining the highest appreciation of the
country editor—we would observe that the
advertisements arc as carefully read, and not
(infrequently longer Isirne in remembrance
than the more edifying contents of the paper.
It is safe to assume that the country paper is
read by an average of ten persons to each
subscriber; it is kept in the house of the eco
nomic fanner or mechanic from week to week
as a mat ter of reference, unless loaned to the
less thrift y neighlnir, who is too mean t*\tke
a paper, and too sensible to do without it
when he can obtain it by loan or theft.
t . i mt t
Mother and Babe.
“ Out of all the buried ones, aunty, which
do you see the plainest?” I questioned.—
“ Little Sally,” was the quick reply. Little
Sally, who was never named till shojueeded one
to put on the gravestone over her. Little
Sally, who was four months old when she
died. Abby married a man T could not abide.
It was Henry's wildness down to Boston that
gate him the consumption. Stephen was
away from home always till lie took sick, and
Martin's wife and me was never good friends,
and that took away some of the nearness.
But little Sally never lived to give me a cold
look or hard wont. \\ hen my plans were the
brightest, she faded out from under ’em, and
left the joy of my life broken in pieces. Jest
think of a velvet touch laying forty years on
a woman's withered breast. Jest think of a
little upturned pink face never fading from
out a woman's empty arms. That's been my
lot. and I'm satisfied to go where my baby is
waiting for mo.”
A young lady in Milwaukee undertook to
climb a ladder that had lieeu left standing
against the side of a house, but liefore she
had gone a quarter of the way up quite a
crowd assembled, jiereeiving which she began
at once to descend, observing with much feel
ing: “AYell, now. there ain't going to t>c no
free circus here this afternoon, you !>et.”
A rustic youngster, being asked out to
take tea with a friend, was admonished to
praise the eatables. Presently the butter
was passed to him, when lie remark- 1,“ Very
nice batter—what there is of it .” and observ
ing a smile, he added, and plenty of it
such as it ij.”
Nominations for OtTice—Tho Stumbling
Block to Good Men.
The Baltimore Sun, perceiving, as many
a sentinel on the watchbrwcr does, that
much ot the trouble, financial and otherwise,
in nearly all communities, proceeds from the
election of unfit men to oltiee, endeavors to
solve the problem of nomination. Our Balti
more brother indicates what we know to be
the truth, in a majority of cases, that political
offices are looked upon as spoils "to be
scrambled for and obtained at any sacrifice of
dignity. Now and then communities a n e
plunged into such depths of misfortune by
wire-workers and ward-politicians that it re
quires a combined effort upon the part of good
citizens to purge the community of dominant
rascality. It is cunningly and plausibly ob
jected to this view that many of tho better
classes of the community ik# not, as a rule,
take sufiieicnt personal interest in political
alTairs. But to this the answer is promptly
given, that, in many of the larger cities of the
country, the obstacles thrown in their wav.
by those w ho hold the reins of party and work
its complicated machinery, arc almost in
superable. Before the Social Science meet
ing at Detroit. Professor Kent, discussing the
wretched demoralization of American politics,
used those forcible and marrowy words :
•A reason why the best men are unwilling
to become candidates for ollice lies in the fact
that caucuses and conventions are often so
managed by politicians that a good man can
not receive a nomination unless by the means
which are distasteful, if not dishonorable.—
Flic tirst, necessity generally is self-sceleimj.
and this is one of the things most unpleasant to
" A still greater reason why it is hard to
find fit candidates for olliecs Idled by popular
election is found in the services expected of a
candidate during the preliminary canvass.—
Prior to an important election, the saloons in
our great cities overflow with intoxicating
liquors, purchased at the expense of the can
didates. Constant demands arc made upon
the candidate's charity, with the implied as
-1 section that their contributions are necessary
to obtain votes. They must become almost
literally all things with all men, religious with
the religious, dissipated with the dissipated,
Idthy with the filthy, corrupt with the cor
rupt, in order that, by all means they may win
votes. This Lind of eleclioiu'ering is uswdht
deemed necessary by Ihe polUiad managers.
and there is no doubt it is often very effective.
If is evident that smlt electioneering must be
impossible for all high-minded’ men. No poor
man, who is honest,, can aiford it.’’
Luckily for many of our Southern cities,
though not all. the kind of trickery portrayed
by Professor Kent lias not grown to monstrous
or invincible proportions. But we have the
germ of future troubles, and the people most
concerned in wise government should bo
warned in time of the possible approach of
Hie monster and prepare themselves against
him in his infancy, rather than wait until
Hercules shall lie grown to his full stature,
ribbed in iron and armed with a club of brass.
It is absolutely necessary in Montana that
a Jud ge should know something of cards. If
ho does not he is always liable to have the
gravity and dignity of his Court disturbed by
a scene similar to one which haj >pcucd to Judge
Scrvis, Associate Justice of the First Distriet
Court. It was a ease of a quarrel over cards
and an assault and bat tery, and the first wit
ness was oik* Boli (ribbons :
The Witness.—“ Well, we sat down to the
table; Anderson sat here, Barks here, and I
t here (making a diagram on the Clerk’s table ;)
Parks dealt the cards, l went blind; Ander
son went blind over me, and Parks could not
The Judge, who is a little deaf, was in the
habit of making an ear-trumpet of his hand,
and throwing his lie ml a little forward and
sideways. Having gone through this panto
mime, lie interrupted the witness by asking
What was the reason that Parks did not
The witness replied : “ I don't know, but
he could not see him.”
“ Proceed,” said the Judge.
“ Well, I saw him, lie saw, and just at that
"Stop, sir,” said the Judge, throwing him
self into a hearing attitude, "Did I under
stand you to say that you went blind?”
“ Yes, sir, I went blind, ?and Anderson he
went blind, and Parks would not see him, but
I saw Anderson, and then lie saw”—
“Witness,” exclaimed the Judge, striking
the bench with his clenched list, “do l hear
you right, sir. Do you say that you went
blind, and then you saw ?”
“Yes, sir,” replied the witness. "I saw
Anderson, and Anderson saw, and just at
“Stop, sir,” said the Judge. “Mr. Clerk,
fine the witness sfo for contempt of Court,
and direct the Sheriff to take him to jail, and
there to keep him until he receives further
orders l‘r<>m the Court. Call up the next case,
Pob (liblxms was dnmbfoimded, and did
not awake to a reality of his condition until
the Sheriff laid his hands on him, when he
“ flood gracious, Mr. Judge, what have 1
done that l must go to jail?”
The Judge, who was purple with rage, did
not deign to reply to poor Giblions, lmt re
iterated the order with increased vehemence,
and the members of the bar, who had antici
pated the lix that liob would eventually lie
placed in, were convulsed with laughter,
which increased the rage of the Judge to the
highest pitch. The prosecuting attorney en
deavored to enlighten the Judge, and event
ually succeeded. but not until he had produc
ed a pack of cards, and after dealing out
three hands made the blind as clear as day
to the Judge.
The fine and imprisonment were remitted,
order was restored in the Court, ami Gibbous
was allowed to proceed w ith his testimony.
A medium woman now says that Charley
I loss is in Heaven. This accounts tor the
mm .iiecess of the detective:, who know
nothing ot such a bourne country.
Showing tho Boys in Washoe How to Shoot.
Recently at a saloon on the Divide, some
men were discussing the shooting affray
which occurred during the morning between
the two brothers in-law. Fall man and Ward.
It was agreed on all ham Is that it was shock
ing bad shooting—a discredit, to Washoe. At
last, a Pioche man bantered a Comstock
man. whom he know to In*'a good shot with
a pistol, to go out in. the back yard wit h him
and do some shooting, just to show the “loys”
how it should be done. Itv the saloon was
a box of eggs, and what the Piocher propos
ed was that each shoot two eggs oil* the bare
head ot the other at the distance of teU paces,
the one missing to treat the crowd. The
Coinstoeker w:vs bound not to he bluffed by a
man from the other end of the State,
so to the back yard all hands adjourned.
Fach man used his own six-shooter. The
( oinstockor first “busted” bis egg on tho
top ol the Riocher’s head, which exploit was
loudly applauded hy all present. It was
then the Riooher’s turn to shoot, and uu egg
was produced to he placed upon the head of
the Coinstoeker, but when lie removed his hat
there was a general laugh, for the top of his
head was as smooth as a billiard ball. For
full ten minutes all hands tried in vain to
make an egg stand on his head. It couldn't
be done. The - Riochor then taunted the
Coinstoeker with having gone into t he arran
gement knowing that he Was safe. The latter
told him to set up his egg and it was all
right—he was there. The Piocher went in
to the saloon, and a moment after came out
with a small handful of flour, which he dabb
ed upon the bald bead of the Comstockor,
and then triumphanly planted in it his egg,
fell back ten steps and then knocked it, off.
! he Coinstoeker then told him to set up his
.second egg and shoot at it, as he didn't
want to have his head chalked twice during
the game. 'This was done, and the wreck of
•a second egg streamed over the Corns! wker’s
pate. The Piocher now stood out with his
last egg on his head. The Comstockor
raised his pistol and tired. The Piocher
bounded a yard into the air, and the egg
ImnVieed whole from his head. “ I’ve lost! ”
said the Coinstoeker. “Let all come and
take a drink. By a slip I've put half the
width of my bullet through the top of his left
ear ! ” and so it proved iqion measurement. —
Thoughts and Suggestions.
Some mourn more the shame which sin
brings, than the sin which brings the shame.
There is a transcendent power in example.
We reform others unconsciously when we
Blessed be the hand that prepares a pleas
ure for a child, for there is no saying when
and where it may bloom forth.
To all men, at all times, the best friend is
virtue; and the best companions are high
endeavors and honorable sentiments.
The heights of earthly promotion lift us no
whit nearer heaven. Jt is easier to step
there from the lowly valo of humiliation and
Jt any one speak ill of thee, flee home thy
own conscience, and examine thy heart. If
thou be guilty, it is a just correction ; if not
guilty, it is a just correction ; if is a fair in
struction ; make use of both; so shalt t hou
distil honey out of gall, and out of an open
enemy create a secret friend.
The soul that docs good to others, grows in
goodness. Ite that is a medium of blessing
toothers is himself blessed thereby. Hence
selfishness is lolly as well as sin; for while
it prevents our doing go<xl toothers, in the
same degree it prevents our doing good to
A Mkan Man. —The Alexandria (Va.) Sen
tinel, under the heading of “The Meanest
Man in Virginia,” says: On Monday, in
Petersburg, at the re-union of Mid tone’s bri
gade, many of the old command walked out
to the Crater, that dreadful spot, where noth
ing but the valor and superb bravery of Ma
hone’s men saved our lines from lining sever
ed and Petersburg from capture. On their
arrival they were hailed by the owner, who
made them pay twenty-five cents to stand up
on the historic ground, when many of the
party had saturated that very ground with
their blood. The name of this brute was
Timothy Griffith, of Prince George, Virginia.
A subscription ought to lie started to pay him
to leave the Old Dominion, as he is a disgrace
to the State, or, as the Norfolk Virginian
aptly tenus him, a first-class hog.
There was a man in Oswego, Kansas, who
thought that he had fallen into a fat thing,
lie discovered a well full of medical water
on his premises, lie liad it analyzed, and
it gave iodine, bicarlxmateof jwitash, chloride
of lime, and compound extract of huchu.
with a trace of old Dr. Townsend’s sar
saparilla. The fortunate owner began to
think of building a hotel, and in his mind s
eye he saw no end of rheumatic and dispeptk;
patients from all parts of the country play
ing bluff and drinking the water. Alas ! an
enemy examined that well a little closer.
Two defunct cats were there, and an equally
defunct rabbit added to the potency. The
hotel will not be 1 milt.
Tn Kansas, justice, if she is blind, goes at
the rate of a mile a minute whenever she is
alter a horse thief. Vincent Morgan, grand
equine larcenist, as aforesaid, was arrested
about sunrise, had his preliminary examina
tion before breakfast, was Ixmnd over, was
taken tn Hiawatha, and by two o'clock, p. m.,
he had been indicted, arraigned, tried, found
guilty and sentenced to the penitentiary
for two years. Such velocity of proceeding
must have made Mr. Morgan’s he:vd swim ;
but lie may thank his stellar inthienoes that
he is safe within stone walls, for short as the
proceedings were, a vigilance committee
might have made them a good deal shorter.
When they catch a man in Dubuque look
ing into windows alter dark, a crowd sits
down on him and rubs pepper into his eyes,
and his reformation is marvellou dv rapid.
/ lot Till— Foi.u 1 Njlw
( pl.uO tOR >3iX MONTHS.
FACTS AND FANCIES-
What man carries everything licfore him '
A had sign—TeJ sign a another man's
name to' a note?.
Said I’at“ Faix, where wild ye fhtd a mo
dern house that has lasted so long as the an
Monkeys' rfeVCf grow older In.cxprt'sHkm.
A young nwoikey kk)Ks exactly like his grand
pa lncltM up and bom over again.
The only tiling that bothers a Western
grass-hopper is to swallow a'ftmr-leggcd table.
A well develojied hojrper can worry it down,
but the legs tickle his throat.
The days are at hand when prudish clergy
men will swelter through (wo sermons a Sab
bath in a dress oonl for fear of offending
! somebody by wearing a comfortable dn-*ter.
It’s a mighty mean trick for a Net Yorker
to get a newly-arrived Swede to turn an ice
cream freezer for an hour under the impres
sion that there’s music in it,
A contemporary asks ? “ Is nrnwps slugu
lar or arc they plural ?" Doth. When you
get mumps on lw>th sales of yoUr face at
once, they are plural, but they make a person
look very singular.— IWwhhjn Aryus.
The Doston tllcHtc publishes the following
maxim for the lienefit of lady readers: “Ne
ver turn round in the street to see what anoth
er girl wears, because you will always find her
doing the same thing.”
An inebriate man, walking along the street,
regarded ( lie moon with sovereign contempt:
on needn’t feel so proud," he said, “ you
are lull only once a month and 1 am every
A young lady in North Carolina requested
to Ie released from her marriage engagement
<m the ground that when she contracted it
she believed her lover “ a duck," but has
since found him to lie a “goose."
“ I feel set back a year in my religion every
time I meet him," was the remark of a pious
Milwaukee widow Wheu speaking of a hand
some young fellow who lived in the neigh
Texas would have liecn a splendid placo
for Micawber. When lie sat down, waiting
for something to turn up, the playful nibble
of a tarantula would have turned up what ho
sat down on in a very lively manner.
A cynic observed: “If there is anything
that will reconcile a man to married life, it is
the knowledge that steals over him like a
dream as he bursts a button off his trowsers
that there is one at homo who can repair tho
The only way a policeman who has been
chased by a burglar can redeem his reputa
tion is to shoot a playful canine pet while its
master's back is turned, and lie gazetted in
the newspapers for having killed a “ mad
A W estem editor appeals to his delinquent
subscribers by saying: “This week we have
taken in potatoes and pickles on subscription.
Now, if yon will bring in some vinegar for the
pickles and some wood to roast the (totatocs,
we can live till artichokes get big cnouuh to
A kind hearted gentleman 4n Milwaukee
recently gave an indigent family $3, and the
same evening he met them all .returning
from a circus on exhibition in the town,
when the head of the family had the impudence,
to ask him for money to buy something for
Tilt* Indianapolis New* any® without much
exaggeration: nU Advertising has created
many anew business, enlarged many an old
business, revived many a dell business res
cued many a failing business, and preserved
many a largo business, and it insure# success
in any business.”
In Doubt About It.— “ There is but ono
good wife in the country, and every man
thinks that he has her." Old Drown, wlm is
bald, and wliosc wife has red hair and a
wicked eye, read this, and murmured, as lie
passed his hand meditatively over his head:
“ I dunno 1 I dunno 1 ”
Just So.—lt is not what people eat, but
what they digest thats makes them strong.
It is not what they gain, but what they save
that makes t hem rich. It is not what, they
read, but what they rumemltcr, that makes
them learned. It is not what they profess,
but what they practice, that makes them
A Detroit citizen who met nn old acquain
tance on the street asked why he wore a
weed on his hat. “ For my jx>or wife, who
has passed over the river,” was the melancho
ly rt Tly* “Well, can't she come back—
aren't the ferry hosts running?” was the
suprised query. The man had to explain.
Affected young lady, seated in a rH-king
chair reading the lliblc. exclaims: “Mother,
here is a grammatical error in the Bible!”—
Mother, lowering her spectacles, and ap
proachiug the reader in a very scrutinizing
attitude, says : “ Kill it, kill it! Jt is the ve
ry thing that has been eating up all the book
A darkey was once attempting to steal a
goose, but a dog raised an objection, Saml>o
retired. The next night during a thunder
shower he attempted it again, and just as
he was on the point of getting away with his
fowl, the lightning struck close by and
nearly 1 Tightened the p<xr fellow to death.— -
Dropping the goose, he started away, mutter
ing, “ Tcors to me dor am a mighty lot of
fuss made Ixmt a common g*x>se.”
At a trial, not long since, and old lady of
some eighty years was qlosely questioned by
the opening counsel relative to tle clearness
of her eyesight.
“Gan you see me ?” said he.
“ Y es.”
“How well canyon scome?” persisted
“Well enough,” responded the lady, “to
that y*u -ire neither a negro, an Indian
nor a gentleman.”