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MB-TICKLIS6 TOCK-SEY.
_ RV NE W ST AND BEST FTORI23
1 " told by oesat men.
nood Yarns Contributed by President
Harr son, Vice Preside at Mo: ton, Sec
retary Blaine, John Wanamaker,
G-over Cleve and, Gov. Hill, Gen.
I ge', Janies Gordon Bennett, Dr.
Ta ma ge, Henry Wuttereoa, Gen.
She man, Senator Ingalls, Elwin
800 -h, Senator Qu*y, Jay Gould, Mar
vaii p. Wilder, Bill Saott, Lew Wal
lace senator Stanford, D pew, “Bob *
Injerioll, Bid Nye, Tom Ochiltree and
Gen. Porter.
( Copyright .l
Sew York. Feb. 28.—The most novel
,/mposium ever printed is the following
co ition of good stories told by famous
Americans, stories that lose much in being
1 . . IQ stead of being heard, but rib-ticklers
nevertheless. The gentle nen who tell these
, , r ies and convulse their hearers have
y other stories that they tell first, and
case they do not cause the hilarity ex
”ted the speaker’s reputation as a wit is
stake! oh 1 6 * tories annexel. Each
story as told, is the best in the gentleman's
repertoire, as the saucy soubrette would
put it, and they never fail to bring forth
showers of laughter.
HARRISON TELLS A HOG STORY.
President Harrison very seldom indulges
in a ioke or story unless he know his hearers
we’l One day he surprised his hearers by
telUng the following story to illustrate a
/here was a man who had a way of tak
ing his own advice and doing things to get
even He was a hog dealer, and one season
h „ drove a large number of hogs to Indiau
a o is a distance of 100 miles from his
hr me 'although he was toli ha ooald get
nearty as much for them at a town Dearer.
Arriving at Indianapolis he found that the
price of h. gs had gone down. Hakeut
them in the city nearly a month, and finally
was ffered a higher price than be could
ret nearer home. He wanted a high price,
and declared he would drive the hogs back
home wnich he did at a considerable eost.
Th“n’be sold them at home at a price very
much less than that offered in the city. One
of h s friends asked him why he had acted
so uuw.srly.
"I wanted to gat even with them city
bog-buyers,” he replied.
••Butdid you get even?’’
*• Well, they dion’t get my hogs.”
“What, pray, did you get out of the
transaction?” , „ -
“Get! Why, bless your thick-skullea
head, I got the society of the hogs back
home!” ,
Vice President Morton now and then per
petrates a j ke or story by way of illust ra
ti n upon his listeners. He knows it well by
heart before he begins.
Not far front wnere I live in the country,
there is a firmer noted for his fine, large
cattle. Durhams and Alderneys roam over
his extensive lauds, and people come fr m
a long distance to view his stock. But vis
itors have to be careful about walking
c-round alone in t e clover fields on account
of the number of ferocious bulls owned by
the farmer. A certain raajorgeneral, who
was very proud of his title, visited a neigh
bor of the farmer, and one day he str lied
out and began to cut across the clover
fields in order to save a little distanca Be
fore he kne w what was up, a big bull, bel
lowing and shaking his head, began to
chase him. The general was a swift run
ner, and he made good time in front of the
pursuing animal. But the animal was
s,'ift, too, and every time the general
would get near a fence the bull was too
close for him to even attempt to olimb over.
At last the general made a line for a gate
near the farmer’s house, and, reaching it iu
time, shut off the bull from further pur
suit, iho farmer, it seems, was there aud
had witnessed the chase. The general, all
ontof breath, said, between gasps:
“Sir—sir, did you see your bull chasing
me?”
“Y-e-s,” said the farmer, suppressing a
smile.
“Is that all you have to say? Do you
kn w wnom that bull was chasing?”
“You, I guess.”
“Do you know who I am, sir? lan Gen.
Blank.”
“Wall, why didn’t you tell the bull that?”
curtly retorted the farmer.
BLAINE AND THE FREE TICKET MAN.
J Arnes G. Blaine is fond of spicing conver
sation with a story. This is one that he has
made do duty more than once:
“A mau nccepied a free ticket to a thea
ter. The play was not a good one, and the
actors were thoroughly in accord with
tbe standard of the play. At tha end of the
first act there were gro ins and hisses arid
other vehement expressions of disapproval
on the part of the audience. The free ticket
mau sat still aud seemed satisfied. When
the second act began it proved to be worse
than the first and nearly every one in the
audience groaned their utter disgust, except
tne free ticket man. Finally a man who sat
hear the free ticket man said:
Hy frieud, are you disgusted with the
play-’
“ ‘Yes; very much.’
T en why the deuce don’t you groan
and hiss?’
I can’t do it decently, lam here on a
tree ticset given by tbe head of the theatri
cal company. If the play grows worse I
iu go out after the next act, buy a ticket
aim come back and express ray disapproval
in a vehement wav.’ ”
WANiMAKIR’s REBUKE.
Postmaster General John Wanamaker is
?T 8? ’‘ lust -ratirg his conversation witn
• ntea st-ir-ies. Once he rebuked some of
<t-f iT school hoys for laughing at a
, , bo y s mistake in answering raisunder
tiotia questions, and related this story:
nr boys, it, is not righc to laugh
rio.r aie 8 I >or ! °I arl affliction. I knew of a
. ‘ man °nce who w s disposed to be par
®r° He was fond 0 f society and a
in bachelor. He gave a banquet to
' a< Hes and young gentlemen,
lu. n ot , thß c *y- For convenience, I
K a „ ca : tlO bachelor Brown. When the
”anq U 3t was nearly over, one of the boldest
Tho f }[ aan <4 “ten arose to toast Mr. Brown,
not, atter stood up, all smiles, but he could
k ,_ ear 8 " ord t at was spoken. He only
bein< . •'I aa Su out * lim ttlßt the toast was
•‘H 8 ■ • Young scapegoat said :
V„„ re 18 V’ you, you old miser, Brown.
Hmn a tramp and it Is
hoiwi 9 * l t L lt T°. u made your money dis
vou-1 wish is tllac Y ou rna 3’ S et
tantiary^ t doeerte yet and land in the peai
r' Brown smiled, raised his
you ’’ tilS I P B an( l said: “The same to
A GOOD ONE BY CLEVELAND.
-J 9 Cleveland was governor he
iiiei--.. of . te| tt n K humurous stories to il
y,, * te B Point. It is said he got off a good
firnrT. ? n a C9rt ain ex-assemblyman who
~a FP®<l in to see him about the time the
enrtr£ a ?V s wore exposing the job in the
a {or , putting in anew ceiling in the
tho u Dy ca Pit°l. It appeam that all during
thed, VBof Boa, Tweed this ex-asserably
”a3. * n the lower bouse, and fought
gainst jobbery and against the “boss.”
• Cleveland was listening to the com-
Rllh .’ the ex-assemblyman about the
nn Ji n °t a papier-mache ceiling for
on , a f e “ on *> when nil at once, with a smile
thuslr* faCS ’ 418 lnterru Pted his visitor
eemhi at ' 8 the difference between theas
berr> y EOW an “ when you were a mem
n " * were ruled by a democratic boss and
A , _ tj y, a republican boss,” ventured tbe
ox-member.
tr-Pj no - When you were a member the
in™ n "l 8 ’ °h the floor; now it is in ths ceil
said Mr, Cleveland.
G “ v ‘ HILL ’B STORY OF TWO ENGLISHMEN.
py?. T - is a good story-teller. Two
gushmea who had been bosom friends
came to America. They met with poor
success, dr.fted apart, and fi a ly one to lit
a uo-itiun as wa.mr ia a oietp restaurant.
He hauu'l beeu th re long before ids friend
appeared, at tue di ,nur. Tae msetiug was
not ovei-jovfui.
“Why, old man, you down to a waiter,
eh ? Gracious, how you have fallen! And
in a B >ery reCau.auL, tool”
“Yes,” r. plied the waiter, turning on his
friend, sarcastically, “but I don’t eat here,
thank Godl”
HOW A SOLDIER FEELS IN BATTLE.
Gej. Russell A. Alger of Detroit does
not of eu illustrate his conversation
with a humorous story. Now and then he
does, and the following 13 one of bis
favorites:
“Four ministers stopped at my in
Detroit once duri.ig a conference meeting,
and one evening they asked me if the glory
of brave deeds celebrated in song did not
have a powerful influence in stimulating
soluiers to emulate heroes of history. 1
said, not at all. Then they wanted to know
what wav tho sentiment that took posses
sion of the soldier as ho went mt > . atnle. I
answered that just three wo Us were often
uttered by soldiers in fighting, aud they
embraced all the seatimeut aud ™ etry of a
warrior’s nature. For example, in my
division there was a certain colonel known
for his religious views and orthodox ways.
He would not do anything to violate the
Sabbath and never was known to utter an
oath or any word on the “cu s” o. tier. I
thought he was a Miss Nancy kind of a
soldier, and was afraid he would not be of
any use in battle except to assist in a quick
and successful retreat. Oueday.ina big
battle, I saw a regiment in the thickest of
the fight, and the colonel, with his sword in
hand, on foot, his horse haviug been shot,
In front, cheering his men and urging them
on. I rode up rapidly, and the words that
good, orthodox colonel was using made me
smile.
“Give’em ! Give’em ,boys!” he
would yeli at each volley.
“W hy, colonell said, “I am surprised
at your language; you, our best Christian 1”
Waving his swo.d, he replied:
“Wed, that is just what I mean, and just
what I feel, give ’em .”
Tnese are the three words of sentiment
that a sold.er feels liko uttering in battle.
JAMES GORDON BENNETT AND THE IMPS.
This is one of James Gordon Bennett’s
prime stock stories, as he relates it.
W hen Irving was playing iu “Faust” in
this country he made it very realistic by
employing a large 11 mber of supsrnumaries
who alter..ately appeared as angels and
then as imps of darkness. One of the grand
scenes is where the imps of dark ies de
scend. At asigual from “Mephislo” the imps
begin to scamper and get down below
through a trap door. Many had gone down
below whan a big, fat, 50-eent-a-iiigbt iuip
started down. He was too large for the
trapdoor and got stuck. In vain he tried
to push hlmsnf down. An Irishman in the
gallery loaned forward and said:
“Thank God; hade’s full!”
TALMAGE AND THE HUMAN VOICE.
Rev. T. DeWitt Talmage is fond of any
story that will illustrate a sermon or beau
tify a moral. Here is one that he tells now
and then 1:1 his own original way:
A German family emigrated from the
fatherland to this country and settled in
Milwaukee. The oldest boy in his teens,
concluded ne would start out for himse’f.
Finally he brought up in New York city and
soon spent all the money the old man had
given him. Then he wrote his father this
kind of an appeal:
“Dear Father—l am sick and lonely, with
out one siugle cent. Send me some money
quick. Your son, Johu.”
Now the father was illiterate and could
not read, so ho went to a great strapping
butcher and asked him to read the letter.
The butcher had a gruff way of reading and
a loud voice. When he finished reading
John’s letter, the father was furious and
declared he would not send a penny, even if
the boy starved to death. He had never
heard of such an impudent demand for
money. On his way home the father
taought the butcher might have made a
mistake in reading, and a desire to hear the
letter read again overcame him. A con
sumptive baker, with a low falling inflec
tion, was next asked to read tho son’s letter.
When he concluded, the father said, with
tears in his eyes: “My poor boy, I’ll send
him all the money he wants.” The baker
had read word for word the letter as it was
read by the butcher.
You see, n>y dear friends, that there is a
great deal iu the human voice.
THE BILL WILL TAKE HIS BREATH AWAY.
Henry Watter-on is quick in repartee,
and now and then perpetrates a good thing
on tho spur of the moment. He met in
Washington at the Riggs house tho cele
brated poet, lobbyist. Col. Dick Winter
smith. The latte was in a goslronomio
quandary, and told Mr. Watterson that he
(Wintersmith) had an idea of ordering a
dinner of fine beefsteak and onions. Ha
was skeptical as to whether the Riggs
house could serve a dinner of onions and
beefsteak that would have real onions
aud yet have no offensive odor upon bis
breath.
“Col. Dick, I can tell you wbat to do,’’
said Watterson.
“Whatis that?”
“Why, go to John Chamberlin’s and
order beefsteak and onions, and when you
pay your bill it will take your breath
away.”
GEN. SHERMAN’S TURKEY STORY.
Gen. William Tecumseh Sherman told
good stories:
“When I was with the army in Georgia,
a slave owner one Xmas missed a fa: tur
kev. He suspected a fine looking colored
man and had him brought before him. ”
“You have stoleu my turkey aud eaten
it,” said the irate master.
“I’se not gwine to say I didn’t when you
says I did, massa.”
“I ought to and > something to you. What
have you got to say why I should not pun
ish you?”
“Well, massa, you hain’t lo%’ anything
particular. You see, you had alible less
turkey and a good deal more uigger.”
And the master had to acknowledge the
philosophy of his slave and let him go un
punished.
SENATOR INGALLS AND THE DRUNKEN MAN.
Senator Ingalls is prolific with apt anec
dotes aud sti ries.
A man considerably intoxicated got into
a street car and hung on to a strap. There
was enough room for him to sit down, but
one gentleman had spread hi nself so as to
occupy two seats. The man holding the
strap said to him:
“Say—(hie)—my fren’—(hie) —wish you—
(hie)—would movo.”
“You are drunk,” answered the party on
the seat, who refused to make room.
“I know it—(hie) —” was the reply, “but
—(hie) —l’ll geo over it. You’re—(hie)—a
hog, sir—(hie)—and’ll never (hie) —get
over It.”
THE WITTY IRISHMAN AGAIN.
Edwin Booth, tha melancholy Dane, is
Tory entertaining when he enjoy* a brief
convaleseoce from dyapep in. Here is one
of the jokes he tells ou Fechter, who played
a round of characters in this country:
“I went one night to here Fechter in a
melodrama of a tragic cast. In one part of
the phy Fechter had to count out money.
He was very deliberate, and said slowly,
‘One, two, three, four, five,’ and so on. The
interest of the play was hanging on the
tragedian’s having enougu money and pay
ing it over to the villain. He kept slowly
counting and the audience g ew more rest
less and anxious for him to finish. A witty
son of Erin, in the topmost gallery, getting
tired, yelled:
“ ‘Say, Mister Fechter, give him a
check 1’ ’’
SENATOR MATT QUAY AND THE DOCTOR.
Senator Quay of Pennsylvania Is popu
larly supposed to have a keen appreciation
of piscatorial yarns, but occasionally h
tells a joke that is not related to the llnny
tribe at all. The following is one he often
relates:
‘‘lsaacson was ailing and sent for his doc
tor. As soon as tne doctor arrived Isaac
son began to talk about death. *
“Pooh, nonsense, Isaacs n, you will live
to be 100,” soothingly said the doctor.
“Veil, doctor, you are wrong. The Lord
THE MORNING NEWS: SUNDAY, MARCH 1,1891-TWELVE PAGES.
will never take me at von hundred wneu he
can get me seven y-an
JAY GCCLD’S STORY.
Jay Qould always has something witty or ;
humorous to say.
“A rich ana exacting man had a colorel
servant boy employed named Jim. This
Jim was exnec ed to be o > hand all the
time. One tine morniug Jim was absent
and his employer went to his old father's
house and a-ked for the boy. The father
said:
“Boss, you can’t have Jim any more.”
“Why, what is the matter?' I v.ill have
him.”
• ’Oh, no, b ss, you lmint hev Jim.”
“Well, why can’t I J”
“Kate he’s dead,”
AN ENGLISHMAN COULDN’T SEE IT.
Little Marshr.il P. Wilder, the famous
merrymaker, is perennial and has a humor
ous skit for every hour of the day. This is
one of his late.t, illustrative of an English
man’s appreciation of humor :
•I have bean ia E igland and I have
studied English humor. It’s fundamental
principle! are not rel liod to the American
article that 1 alses a cyclone of laug ter. Au
Englishman was dining at a swed hotel out
west, and after he finished his regular din
ner he asked for sweets. A waiter from the
Bose y had gone west f r employment aud
was waiting on the particular table at
which the E igbshman sat.
“Andpbwat is sweets, eur?” Hiked the
waiter.
The Englishman finally explained that he
moa t dessert, puddings, etc.
“Wp ’ave app:e aud mince pie,” said the
Bowery man.
“Give me mince pie.”
“What’s der matter wid der apple pie?”
asked the waiter, in a bad, I-don’t-care-a
eontinental tone of voice. Many heard the
remark and laughed.
An hour later, I happened to meet the
Englishman, and he asked me If I heard the
waiter a fit him what was the matter with
tne apple pie. I said,‘Yes.’ Then the Eng
lishman naively asked me;
“Well, what was the matter with the
apple pie?””
WANTED GOLDEN SHOES.
Ex-Congre sm.un William Scott, the mil
lionaire, of Erie, Pa., has a great l umber
of flue horses and anything that pertains to
the equine race he appreciates, even when
it ia more or les3 of a facetious nature. He
occasionally tells the following:
“A gentleman wanted to borrow some
money from Mr. Isaacs. The lat:er said,
rather indignantly, that he did not lend
money unless he had good security. Finally
the gentleman said he thought he could
give security.
“What?” asked Isaacs.
“A horse.”
“Bosh; the horse is worth nothing.”
“Yes, it is. Why, my hors i is seventeen
hands high, has diamond eyes, ruby ears,
and silver mane.”
A l.orse of that great value, the gentle
man though would be taken as security,
when Isaac pat au end to the dicker by
asking:
“Veil, mine frient, has dot horse got
golden shoes, too?”
LEW WALLACE IS FUNNY.
Gen. Lew Wallace, the author of "Ben
Hur,” and ex-minister, w as once a-ked if he
had seen Monsieur de Blowitz of Paris, the
correspondent of the London Times. He
replied: “I have heard him blo .v, but never
seen his wits.”
This is credited as one of the general's
Turkish jokes: There lived in Stamboul,
Turkey, a well-to-do Turk named Ismail
Hassain. He did not have th eloquence of
our iDgalls nor the imagination of a Rider
Haggard, but he was endowed with a ready
oriental wit that stood him well in hand
when he was in a tig at place. A neighbor
called upon Ismail on day and wanted to
borrow hig donkey to use an hour. Ismail
mads a low salaam and said:
“Neighbor, I am sorry, but my boy
started on the donkey an hour ago to Scu
tari. By now he is gaily trotting over the
hills far from the sacred precincts of Starn
boul.”
“Just as Ismail finished his speech a don
key’s loud bray was heard in the stable,
which was under the same roof as Ismail’s
house, but in the rear. The neighbor said:
"Ah, I hear your donkey bray.”
Ismail protested that his neighbor’s ears
were deceived and that the noise was 11 it a
donkey’s bray. Then the doakey, which
was supposed to be jogging along toward
Scutari, brayed twice 1 mdly. It was too
much, and the neighbor cried:
“Oh, that is your donkey. Ismail; Allah
helD me, I can now borrow him.”
-Then Ismail said: “vVh ch do you be
lieve is lying, the donkey or me?”
The n dghbor bad to give Ismail the ben
efit of the doubt, and went away.
THE SAME—REVERSED.
Now and then Senator Leland Stanford
tells a joke and smiles wearily as if he al
most rezreted it was so bumuroits. Here is
au amusing skit of the variety order that
he occasionally relates:
“One day I wa< riding in a street car in
San Francisco, when I overheard a conver
sation between two man that struck me as
peculiarly funny. They may have been
comedians rehearsing. One of them said:
“Well, Bob, I’ve got a job down town.”
“Yes? What doing?"
“Mixing lather.”
“That’s queer; I’ve got a job up town in
a barber shop lathering micks.”
DIDN’T WANT HER LOVE IN SECTIONS.
Asa rule, Chauncey M. Depew has new
stories at bis finger ends each day. It is
almost impossible to put in cold type the
humor of one of his stories, f r tne chief
charm consists in his inimitable way of
telling them. Not long ago a mature spin
ster called upon tho famous after-dinner
speaker aid asked him to give her some iu
forma ion about real estate. He said there
were two things he knew nothing about,
and they were women and real estate. This
reply amused her, and she asked him a
number of questions about people whom
they bo h knew in common. After she
propoundsd the following questions about a
stammering bachelor she asked no more,
but went her way:
“Where is Mr. Blank, Mr. Depew?”
“He is in the city,” replied the only
Chauncey.
“Does he stammer as much as usual*”
“Ob, yes, worse, I believe, said the orator.
“Strange he never married.”
,‘No, it was not strange, dear lady. Blank
coured a lovely girl. He told me about
bis courtship several years af Ler it ocourred.
He proposed this way:
“I)-d-d~deara-an-angel, 11-1-l-love you!”
“You need not proceed further,Mr. Blank;
I do not care to be wooed on tho install
ment plan,” said the proud beauty.
A GOOD MANY WIVES.
CoL Robert G. Ingersoll. tho great agnos
tic, is apt in stories, and some of them have
become famous. He u never at a loss for a
good story to illustrate any p. iut. Not long
ago a group of gentlemen, in which the
colonel was the central figure, were discuss
ing people who have a knack of sayi g the
right thing as the wrong time. The colonel
said: "lean illustrate that by relating a
case in point, wnich occurred in a western
state. A well-to-do merchant, Mr. Thomp
son, living in a town noted for its malaria
and funerals, whenever his wife died
would go into an adjoining county and
marry again. He had married bis fourth
wife and taken her to the malarial town to
enjoy quinine and doraestio felicity, when,
as tne novelists say, this story begins. A
loquacious lady in the healthy country wai
in the habit of assisting Mr. Thompson to
find some eligible young woman willing to
marry him a.id take her chances. Some
six months after he married his fourth
wife he appeared again in the healthy
country. The loquacious lady greeted him
and said:
“How is your wife, Mr. Thompson?”
“8 ie is dead,” he replied sadly.
“What, dead again 1" cried the loquacious
woman, in surprise.
BILL NYE’S HOTEL EXPERIENCE.
Kill Nye tells a good many funny stories,
but he considsra the following his best,
because it is true and happened to himself.
“I was barn-storming once in a small
town in Texas a. and went to tho leadi g
hotel for dinner. The larder contained only
a 1 uth pi-.ee of steak, so I hid tha‘ and a
cap f boot-leg c (Tee. When ths bill w.s
handed me I asked the proprietor, w o was !
also waiter aud c.su.er, how much I owed
him.
wo dollars!” was thee dm reply.
“ t'wo dollars!” I said. “What tor?”
“For the steak and coffee ”
“But that is outrageous," I answered. “I i
can get a really good steak and coffee, and
other things, to, in New York for one dol
lar. What makes you charge so muchf’
“Weil, to tell you the truth, I need the
money.”
ONE OF TOM OCHILTREE'S BEST.
The world-famous raconteur, Thomas P.
Ochiltree, is never at a loss to adorn an
otherwise commonplace conversation with
a story of thrilling adventure, narrow es
cape. or humorous incident. Recently, at
t e Hoffman house, a number . f men were
telling of n-rrow escapes, wue-i the colonel
Uld of a close place he got into, ns follows:
“Gentlemen, I was with Gen. Dick Taylor
when be operated against Gen. Ba .ks 111 the
trans-Missisiippidepartment. It was shortly
after the battle of Pleasant. Hill and Banks
was retreating to Grand Ecore. Oue day
we got near Gen. Banks’ armv and Gen.
Taylor asked me to hcai a squadron of
cavalry and charge. I ess mounted on a
coal-black corse, uui when I rode out to
take command of the squadron, I never
thought to oime bank from ths charge
aiive. We ha.t to charge across an open
field, a distance of a mile aud a half. I
drew my sword, put spurs to my horse’s
sides and dashed forward, ordering the cav
alry to follow. Some 20,000 of Banks’ in
fantry were drawn up in line just on the
edge of tho find, awaiting an attack. Of
course when i started I did n>c know that
20,090 men were waiting to givo a warm
welcome to a handful of cavuiry. When
within HUO yards f the federate I raised in
mv stirrups i.n 1 yell and to tho squ alron to
follow me. 1 oxpecied to hear each cava'ry
mun yell, but to my dismay all was silent. I
turned my brad to look, wneu, h rror upon
horror! ths squadron was over a mile from
me iu swift retreall I had been riding
across the fi-Id alone, thinking they were
right behind mo. They had evidently seen
the thousands waiting to pour a storm of
shot into us and had retreated, but I dl l
not see them, as I am near-sighted. Of
course I saw them when I yelled. A gleam
of bayonets extended for miles right in
front of me. My horse trembled. I held
my breath, expecting to be mowed down in
a second. Turning my horre I rode leis
urely back and not a shot was fired at me.
My horse died with nerv ms prostration
half an hour after I got back. Why didn’t
the federal army fire upon ms? 1 learned
afterward that they were ordered to fire,
but no soldier was pusillanimous enough to
shoot one man who had tho courage to
charge 20,009. Gentlemen, I believe iu
human na’ure and the nobility of the vol
unteer soldier since that evaut.”
Gen. II jraoo Porter is a noted after-din
ner speaker, and has a fund of anecdotes
and humorous incidents. Hore is one his
storios:
Lady, to Boston tramp: Aud now you
waut something to e it?
Boston tramp: Yes, lady, you are re
ligiously correct in your surmisr.
L idy: Did you saw that wo ,and?
Boston Tramp: O, don’t say that, lady,
but put it this way: “Did you see that
wood?”
THE CABBY WAS CAREFUL.
Gen. Porter has the jest.,’’
backed by a capacious fund of anecdote to
make hiui one arnoug the be <t equipped of
after-dinner speakers. A presiding officer
said of him, introducing him to an aiidienus:
“All you have to do is to drop a dinner in
the slot and up comes a speech.” This is
oue of the general’s ready hits in his own
style:
New England speakers have said that the
Puritans were always reformers and mis
sionaries among the people with whom they
came iu contact. I noticed recently an item
in the public press, an evident reference to
this disposition of the Pilgrim wherever he
rati up against anybody to attempt to show
him just how near he waS to the borders of
tho hereafter. The item referred to an
nounced that the Puritan had oollided with
Hell Gate. Whenever tho modern New
Englander gets a man just on thU
border edge, and it is seen that some
one is going over the precipice, he always
takes care that he is not the person. He is
as conservative in this respect as wus the
night cab driver sta idiug in front of a
house in which there was a dinner party.
A man came out of the house, staggered
across the sidewalk, laying out more zig
zag* than did our patriotic sires at tbs
6ig of Yorktowa, opened the door of tbe
cab and threw inm elf on tho seat. The
driver inquired: “Where will I go, sor?”
“To hell!” muttered the man inside.
After cabby had driven along for some
time, not Doing yet intimately acquainted
with the topograuhy of the torrid country
mentioned, inquired again:
“Where am 1 to take y >u, sor?”
“To hell!” mumbled tne passenger.
Coacby scratched his h#ad, pondered over
the situation and finally said:
“i beg your pardon, sor, but can I back
up when I land you*”
• G*n. Porter tells a good story about his
going to Europe for the first time.
• “As soon as I landed in Ireland I at
tempted to look for traces of some of my
anoestors, who came from the extreme
north of Ireland. Meeting an into.ligent
looking Irishman, I informed him of my
mission, saying that my a cestors emigrated
from about that spot 100 years ago, and I
was there trying to look them up. He
answered: "Ye say your ancestors migrated
from our town to Ameriky about 100 years
ago? Thin why are yez looking for thirn
here J”
A PRETTY ROM A NGff.
How a San Francisco Girl Became
an Artist.
From the San Francisco Examiner.
People who noticed in the Examiner win
dow recently a splendid cast of the head of
bitting B ill will be interested to hear the
pretty romance of the young artist whose
work it was.
It was modeled by Miss Alice Rideout, a
young lady of less than 18 years of age,
wno has already shown such talent that she
bids fair to take front rank among tbe host
of artists that the Pacific slope can claim as
its own.
Hor first start in her ohossn profession
can no directly traced to a large English
mastiff owned by her family, although her
artistic aspirations date back to her early
childhood. One day while accompanied by
the mastiff she passed the open doer of a
sculptor’s studio. The mastiff rushed In
and, with apparent deliberation, knocked
over the pedestal upon winch was placed for
exhibition the artist’s latest work. An arm
and leg were scattered, and tho piece lay a
seeming wreck on the floor. The attendant
was wild. The girl endeavored to make ex
cuses for the dor,but nothing would ant ver.
Offers were made to pay for the damage,
but to no avail. Tha man, dreading that
upon tbe artist’s return he would lose bis
position, was inconsolable. The girl bogged
to b3 allowed to repair the piece, and after
repeated entreaties the man consented, with
the remark that while he did not believe It
oould be fixed, be was very certain she could
not injure it. he mixed tbe
clay for her and watched with
interest the unpracticed fingers
doing the work that the accomplished artist
had so lately finished and taken so much
pride in. An hour passed with most grati
fying results; the arm was restored, and
was perfect; the attendant was happy.
Another hour the !eg apjroached comple
tion, when 10, the artist appeared on the
scene. He took in tbe situation at a glance,
and, unnoticed by tho 00 upanto of the
room, watened the work. Finished, ex
planations are in order and given. Tbe
artist is charmed, declares tbe work of
restoration has added new eba ms to the
piece, and having heard from the girl the
great ambition of her life, went with her to
her home aud i asisted that her parents should
allow her at oppertuni.y to learn the art fur
which she cad evidently so much inherent
talent
< MXUICAU
m mi w
\\ PSII if.
PULMONIC
•SYRUP-
Fifty years of succor* is sufficient evMonel
eftbe value ofSehencks Pulmonic Syrup as a
luro for Consumption, Coughs, Colds, Iloarso
ness Sore-Throat lie. It oontalns no opium; ll
pleasant to tho taste.
For Sale by all Druggists. Prloe $l.OO pci
bottle, llr. Sehenck’a liooli on Consumptioa
and its Cure, mailed free. Address
Hr. J. IT. Schcnck & Son. Philadelphia.
'tfOTHSNG SUCCEEDS
LIKE SUCCESS.
WM. RADAM’S
/JpmCROBE
KILLER
MOST TRULY AND CORRECTLY CALLED
The Greatest Medicine in the World.
A WONDERFUL TONIC
AND BLOOD PURIFIER
ALMOST MIRACULOUS CUBES
Of hopeless and apparently Incurable diseases
are constantly being made. It Is expected to
perform the Impossible, by curing cases given
up by physicians, and It
DOES NOT DISAPPOINT EXPECTATIONS.
More people are being cured by Microbe
Killer than by all other medicines combined.
We request a thorough investigation. iss*
History of the Microbe Killer free !•
BUTLER'S PHARMACY. Sole Agent, vana
nab, Ga.
m_WEAK LUNGS
USB
Winckester’s HypoDbosplilte of Lims & Soda.
For Chronic Bronchitis, Nervous Prostration,
Dyspepsia or Indigestion, Lous of Vigor and
Appetite, ami diseases arising from Poverty of
the Blood, ■Winchester's Hypophcsphite is
a specific, being uneqnaled so a VUalizina
Tonic , timin' Aerce and Jilood food,
BOW) BY Z>BV(AOIST
WINCHESTER A CO. Chemists
162 William St.. N. Y.
3 ABBOTT’S I #}
smkm
CORPUS
Bunion# wirHG'Jf.
'NO WARTS^PAIN;
ia£v(?Tf!AN
I CURE FITS!
Wlken 1 *ny fare I do not meefi merely to ntaDthem
for a time itnd then lir them return agiiln. I moan
ft radical cure. I have made the dleeeee of FITS,
EPILEPSY or FALLING SICKNESS a life-ion*
study. I warrant my remedy to cure the worst caeca.
Beoaaae others have failed is uo reason for not now
recoirlrur a cure. Send m once for a treatise an<i a
free bottle of my infallible remedy. Give K>t>reafi
anti Post Offo*> addreue.
It. Q. ROOT, M. C.. 13 Henri Mr., N, Y.
CARRIAGES, BUGGIES, ETC.
YOU CAN BUY ANYTHING
“ON WHEELS”
r AOM
The SAVANNAH CARRIAGE
AND WAGON COMPANY.
SAVANNAH, - - - GA.
FLOUR.
YAEGKR’S
“ROYAL LILY” FLOUR,
Made by the new Cornelius system, all
the moisture contained in the grain is kept
in the flour. No matter where it has been
tried housekeepers have uniformly pro
nounced Its superiority. For sale by
S. W. BRANCH,
Corner Broughton and Whitaker streets
1 "... ■— 1 —a
FRUITS, VFCGJETABi.ES>, BTC. .
Fruits aid Vegetables.
600 Boxes FLORIDA ORANGES.
100 Boxes LEMONS.
103 Sacks POTATOES.
100 Sacks TURNIPS
10.000 COCO AN UTS.
100 Barrels APPLES.
SOO Sacks PEANUTS.
25 Barrels BEATS.
100 Barrels CABBAGE.
In Store and Now Landing. For Sale by
A.H.CHAMPIOFS SON
162 Congress and 163 St. Julian Streets.
? 3 P, p a Pimples
PRICKLY ASH, POKE ROOT Blotches
AND POTASSIUM ——
Makes
.. , „ Old Sores
Marvelous Cures—
Prickly A*h, Poke Root and Potassium,
tb© greatest blood purifier on earth.
mO!nnH Poison tb^^iass^jjsss
viUOU I vIVWII poison, and ail other Impurities of the
ii | Blood ore cured by P. P. P.
Randall Pope, the retired dniggtitof
f*. • Madison, Fla , says : P. P. P. Is the best
brfofilim'lticm alterative and blood medicine on the
iaS iulJlllullulil market. He being adruggist and hav
taiEUUHIUHUIII inw soM al i kindg of medicine, bis on.
i solicited testimonial is of preat impor
tance to the sick and suffering.
Hof! SCTOfUSS To nttwhom it
UIIU UIUIU great pleasure in testifying to the effl
-- ■ Imui ,ii. rient qualities of the popular remedy
for eruptions of tho skin known as
P P. P. (Prickly Ash. Poke Root and
r. P. P. purifies the blood, builds up Potassium.) I suffered for several
tho weak and debilitated, glvessirongtn years with an unsightly and disagre
to weakened nerves, ex,>eh) diseases, eable eruption on my face, and tried
giving the patient liealth and imppiuoss various remedies to rimovoit, none of
where sickness, gloomy feelings and which accomplished the object, until
lassitude first prevailed. this valuable preparation was resorted
In blood poison, mercurial poison, t°- After taking three bottles, in ac
maUvria, dyspepsia and in all bl tod and eordanee with directions, lAm now fin
al: iu diseases, like blotches, pimples, tiroly cured. J. D. JOHNSTON,
old chronic ulcers, totter, ecaldhead, of the Arm of Johnston A Douglas
wo may say without fear of contra- Savannah Ga.
murifler inttm world U ** b “* „ Henry Winter, Superintendent of the
purifier lnlhe world. Savannah Brewery, says : he has had
Isidles whose systems am poisoned rheumatism of the heart for sereral
and whose blood is in an impure eon- years, often unable to walk his pain was
dition, due to menstrual Irregularities, so I men so; ho had professors fn liilla
aro peculiarly benellted by the won- delphiabut received no relief until ha
rterfnl lonio and blood cleansing pro- came to Savannah and tried P. P. p.
perties of P. P. P., Prickly Ash, Poke Two bottles made him a well man and
Hoot and Potassium. he renders thanks to P, P, p.
All druggists sell it.
LIPi?3VtAN BliOS., Proprietors,
Hippman's Block, Bayannah, Ga
|)^nt
4 your business is
advertise If you
f \ don't now ow to * to
us we will tell you.
Agr We will prepare your advertisement or give you
fairy advice and assistance to aid you in preparing it your
self. We will have the advertisement set in type and—
*■ procure illustrations if any are needed. When a satis
factory advertisement has been produced we will furnish proofs and an
clectrotyped pattern to be used in duplicating the advertisement if the
display or illustration make an electrotype desirable.
Address Geo. P. RoWELL & Cos.,
Newspaper Advertising Bureau,
io Spruce St., N. Y.
CLOTHING.
il Attract* Jsj Llmfr
Perhaps you think it is a compara
tively easy thing to produce a suit of
clothes that will ba attractive to every
body. Nothing could be farther from
the truth. Bince the world began
Ihore were never two noses exactly
alike, ad there is just as much dif
ference in taste as there is In noses.
The successful cl >tbler constantly has
his fingers on the pulso of popular
taste. It is hU business to discover in
wbat direction the tide of popular
preference is flowing. Then and then
only can he hope to bo in a position to
oifor something that is oertaln to at
tract all hands. Of course, in makiug
up our spring stock we could not have
the pleasure of consulting you person
ally, but you wiii admit that we have
beon successful in anticipating your
desire if you will call and look at our
line of Clothing, Hats and dents’
Furnishing.
“ins fiioir
148 Broughton St.
BENNETT HYMES, Propriotor.
HARD WARE.
HARDWARE,
m BAND AND HOOP IRON,
Wagon Material,
NAYAL STORE SUPPLIES
JFOR SALK BY
Edward Loveli’s Sons,
155 BROUGHTON AND 138-140
STATE STREET.
MEDICAL.
'AD VERT LSI NO.
FUKBURINO GOODS.
Dunlap’s NewSpring Style
-IN
DERBY HATS
NASCIMENTOS
Spring Block In Flexible Light-
Weight Hats,
New Neckwear in fine variety,
now open at
LaFAR’S,
87 UTXI.I, STREET,
FLOUR.
Would you have
delicious biscuit ?
If so, use
HECKER’S
SELF-RAISING
FLOUR
Sold Everywhere.
LEATHER GOODS.
'"NEfflllHifi RiBBJ,
—sole agents for—
HOYT'S LEATHER BELTING. REVERE RUB
BER CO.'S GIANT BTICHED BELT,
LACING, RIVER'S and BELT HOOKS.
164 St. Julian Sad 163 Bryan Streets.
SAVANNAH, - - GEOBORA
11
