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THE SEMI-WEEKLY JOURNAL
ATLANTA, GA, 5 IOITH TOIBTTX ST.
Entered at the Atlanta Postoffice as Mail Matter o
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SEMI-WEEKLY JOCRNAL. Atlants’, Ga. .
Our First Losses.
’ The great war has been brought directly to the
hearts of the American people. United States sol
diers have been killed in the fighting on land In
France. Others of their companions have been
wounded or captured. The casualty list has been
published.
The names of the relatives of the men who have
been the first to suffer in the fight for democracy
are known.
The American spirit has risen superbly to the
task of financing the war. of making triumphant
successes of both issues of the Liberty loans, of
supporting all forms of auxiliary service for the
comfort and well-being of our soldiers and sailors.
These things the country has done because through
it swells and sweeps an overflowing tide of patri
otism. as clean, cleansing and uplifting as the
breezes that enwrap mountain tops.
While the nation’s part in the war was confined
to these things, the struggle—its magnitude and
Its gravity—was sensed rightly but somewhat dimly
for the personal, human touch was lacking. •
No great cause, no great advance in human
rights has ever yet been effected or has long en
dured that has not been glorlfed by grief or sancti
fied by suffering. One touch of nature, ’tis sai<|,
make the whole world kin. One touch of sorrow
sustained in a common cause evokes tenfold
strength of loyalty and blds the Giant of Determi
nation step forth, full panoplied, to make certain
that the sorrow shall not have been borne in vain.
America’s feeling for the war can never be the same
since it has become fact that the Hun has claimed
victim the flesh and blood of our fighting men.
The insulating veil of distance and mere prepara
tion has been torn aside and our fight with the
Prussian monster stands revealed, fierce, cruel and
long drawn out as it is and as it must be.
Since our entrance into the war we have, of
course, been drawing nearer and nearer this grim
event. It has been expected and prepared for, but
all expectation and all preparation could not fore
\ see the thrill of grief and the reaction for a more
united country back of our armed forces that fol
lowed the news of our first losses.
The first successful attack made upon the
United States since its entrance into the war with
Germany came on October 17, when a German
torpedo sunk the troop ship Antilles, on its home
ward Journey, with the loss of sixty-seven soldiers
and sailors. This is now followed by the death of
three United States soldiers, the wounding of five
and the capture of twelve in a German raid on the
French trenches on the Rhine-Marne canal near
the Lorraine boundary of Germany, where the
American forces under General Pershing have been
training.
For our nation, these two events bring the. war
to a sharper focus, make us see more clearly the
part we must play and the price we must py.
Already they have had the effect of precipitating
a firmer resolve for victory, out of which should
come also less tolerance for those persons who at
home who would hinder outright the measures of
the government for prosecuting the war to a suc
cessful end or who would be slackers in yielding
them whole-hearted support. When blood is be
ing spilled and lives are being sacrificed in the
sacred cause of liberty and In defense of country,
there must be no room, no softness for laggards
or traitors.
The Pig's War Value.
Until now one has always thought of wars be
ing won by fighting men. guns and swords. These
things are still indispensable and victory comes
only through their direct application. But this war
has become world-wide and all the energy and ac
tivity of a nation engaged in it must be drawn upon.
The soldier, for instance, must be fed, else he be
comes a liability instead of a martial asset.
Quoting Food Administrator Hoover in this con
nection to the effect “that every hog is of greater
value in the winning of this war than a shell,” the
Macon News says:
There are signs that the State of Georgia
has turned Its attention permanently to the
raising of hogs. Packing plants have sprung
up at various points throughout the State and
the marketing of hogs is not so unorganized
and so difficult as is the case with many other
food products. The raising of live stock is also
vital, but the cattle tick has given the farmer a
great deal of trouble and the sapheads who
obstinately oppose dipping have been a dis
turbing element. .These factors should not be
allowed to stand In the way of cattle raising,
but in the case of raising hogs even these
difficulties are absent.
In the light of these things the production of
hogs and cattle can be seen to be a highly patriotic
service, and those who would hinder such a serv
ice in any way must be considered recreant to their
duty to their country.
It is gratifying, indeed, to note that the raising
of cattle and hogs in this State has been simplified
by the erection of local packing plants. No farmer
can diversify his products unless he can find an
easy market for them. Georgia will produce a real
ly wonderful amount of pork and beet this year.
Both patriotism and good business sense make plain
the fact that production next year should be in
creased to the fullest extent possible.
THE ATLANTA SEMI-WEEKLY JOURNAL, ATLANTA, GA.. FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 1917.
New York's Election.
Judge John F. Hylan, Democratic candidate, was
elected mayor of New York Tuesday by a record
plurality. The entire Democratic ticket was likewise
successful, giving Tammany once more complete
control of all the city’s affairs. John P. Mitchel,
the fuslonist mayor, was outdistanced by Judge
Hylan by more than 148,000 votes, while Morris
Hillquit, the Socialist candidate, lacked only a few’
thousand votes of equaling the poll cast for
Mitchel. William M. Bennett, the Republican
candidate, was poor fourth in the race.
The issues were decidedly confused in a cam
paign that was conducted with more than usual
acrimony and recrimination. Mayor Mitchel’s ad
ministration had been one of marked success in
many respects while in others it had shown an
unaccountable weakness. He stood forth, however,
as a stanch American and was undoubtedly a
strong, able official. He and his supporters brought
national issues to the forefront in his campaign, at
tacking the loyalty of Judge Hylan and much of
his following. Judge Hylan. however, declared that
the question of loyalty was not one of the issues
and directed the major portion of his efforts to
pointing out the shortcomings of the Mitchel admin
istration's handling of municipal affairs. In his
statement following the election he says:
I want to make it plain to the world that
there was no issue of Americanslm or loyalty
involved, so far as I am concerned. There
could be none for I am as good an American .
as any man, as loyal to my flag, as loyal to my
country and as firm and determined in support
of every act of the government in this war as
any man. I ask the editors of the newspapers
in this city and in other cities to give prom
inence to this declaration so that there may
not go abroad to the people in this country
who have no appreciation of our local situa
tion the slightest intimation that the ques
tion of the war or the. war policy of President
Wilson and the United States government is
in the slightest involved.
At a time when the entire country including
its chief city should show’ unbroken unity against
the enemy, Judge Hylan should be taken readily
at his word not only with respect to his loyalty but
also with regard to his promise to give New
York fair and honest city government. It rests
with him whether he w’lll become the familiar Tam
many tool or be a mayor in the highest acceptation
of that term.
It is not to be doubted that the misinformed,
malcontents and war shirkers lined up with the
forces of Hillquit, the Socialist, who ran on an
anti-war platform boasting of his refusal to buy
Liberty bonds. While his strength proved unex
pectedly large, it lackec. much of having any de
cisive value. The strong tide of patriotism and
loyalty everywhere noticeable in thia, nation must
necessarily have its eddies and undertow. -
Modern Punic Faith.
One result of Germany’s policy of frightfulness
and bad faith is beginning to seep into the brains of
the German commercial classes. Germany's trade
practically dominated the world’s commerce before
the war. It of course, has now shrunk to nothing.
Will it ever regain its former standing or even a
part of it? That is the question that is now giv
ing serious concern to Germany’s business men.,
A recent dispatch from Copenhagen says:
Articles in serious newspapers, even of
Pan-German views, are found almost every
day in w’hich it is pointed out that diplomatic
breaks with China and Central and South
American republics, instead of being a source
of amusement on account of the military un
importance of these nations, means the loss
of Germany’s hard-won commercial position
in these markets and increase the difficulty
of the uphill fight to rebuild foreign trade
after the war.
Those words of opprobrium, "Punic Faith,”
which the ancient world used to describe treach
ery, will for years to come be succeeded by the
words, “German faith”—the product of a country
that can see only amusement in a w’eaker country
resenting the ruthless disregard of its rights,
that has proclaimed in fact that weaker nations
have no rights and that has used force and lying,
whichever seemed most effective, to make good
this proclamation.
Peace may be restored in a few years but the
restoration of faith in Germany will Jie of slower
growth. Business relations cannot subsist without
faith and confidence. What power is there now
that can wipe the stain of bad faith from the Ger
man name? Germany might be able to win the
war but in this respect it has already lost its own
soul.
The Soldiers' Recreation Fund.
Significant indeed is the movement, nation-w’ide,
which was begun Monday to raise an adequate
fund for the work of the commissions on training
camp activities. Perhaps no labor in behalf of the
enlisted man will prove of greater benefit than this.
Its purpose is to look after the welfare of the sol
diers when they are off duty. It is generally recog
nized that this is the time especially when the sol
dier is most susceptible to good influences on the
one hand and most exposed to temptation on the
other.
The training camp commissions desire to pro
duce amusements entertainments for the men
in their leisure hours during week-ends, while
they are away from the camps visiting near-by
cities. In addition to providing places for the sol
diers in the nature of clubs, which will be fitted
with all conveniences and comforts, the hospitality
of individual homes w’ill be obtained. The touch
with home and normal home life will thus be con
tinued.
It is easy to see what this will mean to the
man who spends five days and a half each week in
the exacting requirements and atmosphere of the
army camp. He will take with him to the trenches
in France a deeper love for his own country and
his own countrymen. He will be mentally re
freshed. He will become all the more a man and all
the more a soldier. He will be made a more effective
fighting unit. The first and last craving of the
soldier is the assurance that the folks back home
are giving him unrestrained sympathy and support.
It is highly desirable that he get this assurance in
full measure before he is sent abroad and that it
be kept up there in the greatest degree possible.
A man may try to make a widow think he could
not help loving her, but she invariably knows
better.
Germany Now a Democracy?
Startling indeed is the statement of Mathias
Erzberger, leader of the Centrist party of the Ger
man reichstag, that Germany w’ithin the past five
days has changed from an autocracy to a democ
racy. The statement of this leader made public
Tuesday fails to indicate in any definite way how
this momentous result has been achieved.
The western world cannot conceive of a demo
cratic Germany with William still emperor and the
Crown Prince still in line for the throne. Nothing
is said in the interview of Herr Erzberger about the
abdication of the Emperor or the retirement of the
Crown Prince to meditative solitude. Hence the
assertion that Germany has become a democracy
must be taken in a very German sense —a German
kultur kind of democracy forsooth.
And if any political change has been wrought
in Germany, this is indeed what Jt is, if one must
judge by the statement of the Centrist leader, for
all he indicates is that the new chancellor, Count
von Hertling, has come to a working agreement
w’ith the leaders of the reichstag and the emperor
has not yet interfered with it or booted any of the
present leaders and officials out of office. Quite
enthusiastic is Herr Erzberger over this bit ot im
perial forbearance for he declares that the past
week “has been the most momentous sfhce the
founding of the empire, representing a permanent
political gain for the German people.”
Foreign Minister von Kuehlmann who is said
to have participated in the agreement wants the
w’orld to know that “a new political era has set
in in Germany.” The world would certainly be glad
to know that such is the case, but it will require
much more proof of it than the rejoicings of
political leaders over an internal parliamentary
pact.
What the world wants to know more than these
things is whether the new political era considers
solemn treaties as scraps of paper, whether it
sanctions Germany’s more than barbarous practices
in w’arfare, whether it condone the murder and out*
rage of women, whether it countenances the policy
of the world domination by frightfulness and plots
and lies.
It matters little to the rest of the world what
internal changes take place in the government of
Germany, so long as these things remain unaltered.
Germany a democracy, and still in the grip of Prus
sian militarism! The German mind may be able
to comprehend this, but never the rest of mankind.
■♦ - ■
WHY TO SAVE FOOD, AND HOW
lll—Substitution .
By Dr. Ray Lyman Wilbur
(President of Leland Stanford University.)
ARTHUR is away at boarding school for the
first time in his life. And he is enjoying it.
He has found a host of new friends, he has
a good room and a good' roommate, and he has
begun to have dreams of making the school team.
Even so, there are times when he grows a bit
homesick. And one of those is when he is seated
at the long table of the dining hall. It isn’t that
he dislikes the food. It does well enough, and ho
has no fault to find. Yet there are moments when
he cannot help thinking of his family sitting
around* the dining table at home, laughing and
talking and watching his mother while she cuts
one of those wonderful mince pies of hers. Oh,
those mince pies! Was there ever anything like
them? What wouldn’t he give for a big wedge
out of one of.them. Will they tuck one into that
box they have promised to send him each week?
That is a vital question to him.
Meantime what is Arthur’s family back home
doing? They have their regular supply of mince
meat canned and stowed away. They are fond of
mince pie themselves. Yet they know that Arthur,
living on the routine boarding school fare, is count
ing on having that mince pie arrive from home at
periodic intervals. What does the family do under
these circumstances? Do »they use the regular
amount of mincemeat for themselves? Or are
they saving of it, substituting other desserts for
mince pie, so that Arthur may be sure of having
his?
I leave you to answer.
And in the meantime I am going to Jake the
abrupt leap from the family circle to a tropical
islet in the South seas. There is nobody on it ex
cept three the sole survivors of a shipwreck
on a near-by reds. Yes, there is a fourth —a wee
mite of a child whom the sailors saved when its
parents perished. It sounds almost like a plot for
a short story, doesn’t it? But I am still thinking
of food. Luckily, the island is rich in edible tropi
cal fruits. Ai d still more luckily, the day after
the wreck one of the sailors found, washed up on
the beach, a small case of condensed milk. Who
got the milk? The sailors? Or did they save it
for the baby, while they themselves got along
well enough on cocoanut milk, on breadfruit and
mangoes?
This time also I shall leave you to answer. al
wouldn’t impugn the kind-heartedness of the
sailor-man the world over by even intimating that
there could be any doubt about the answer.
Are you tired of imaginary illustrations which
seem to you to lead nowhere? You will quickly
discover that they lead somewhere very definitely
if you will pause to consider world events and
world problems today.
Our allies, fighting men in the trenches and
women and children at home, need certain kinds
of food. They are wheat, beef, pork, dairy prod
ucts and sugar. We have those foods. We shall
have plenty to send over where it is needed—if
we are willing to make the slight substitutions
necessary in our own diet. ,
Otherwise we shall not be able to send over
the food they need. Or, to put it more informally
and pointedly, we shall —in this particular—be
leaving our friends in the lurch.
An ancient proverb runs: “What’s life to a
man when his wife’s a widow?” Remodeled for
this occasion, we may say: “What good are our
soldiers in France if the people we are sending
them to fight for have meanwhile died of starva
tion?”
Fon cutting down the use of certain specified
foodstuffs the personal sacrifices we shall have to
make are trifling. The results possible from such
small sacrifices and substitutions are immense.
Later 1 shall tell you in detail just what to sub
stitute for wheat, for beef, for fats, for sugar. It
is the food administration’s wish and plan that re
sults shall be achieved with the least, possible sac
rifice to the men, women, and children of this
country. ‘
But the necessary surplus of food must be
raised. And that problem is up to you, l and to all
of us. »
The lad at boarding school got his mince pie.
The baby on the South sea island had his milk.
Are our allies —making common cause with us in
the fight for freedom —to fare worse when it comes
to depending on us • for wheat, beef, pork, dairy
products and sugar?
Or shall we. for their sake, each and all of us,
help them by sending them the foods they need,
tution in what we ourselves eat?
NEW TELEPHONE RECEIVER
An improved telephone receiver has been put
on the market by the use of whjph it is said that
even persons partially deaf can hear over the tele
phone. The receiver has a trumpet shaped design,
with a fluted ear-piece, ’and is so made as to shut
out all external noises. It is also claimed for
it that it does away with the ear-splitting cracks
which result when central is working to get a
party who “doesn't answer.”
RED CROSS YARNS—By Frederic J. Haskin
WASHINGTON, D. C.» Nov. 6. —Who is
telling tales about the Red Cross? Who
is responsible for starting the half dozen
stock fables afloat all over the country, whose sole
object is to convey some damaging insinuation
about the Red Cross organization? Is he a pro-
German, a pacifist, or a malicious practical joker?
Or are the stories started by a hidden but exten
sive organization of some sort? Nobody knows.
The stories are in circulation though, and they pre
sent a curious problem.
• • •
There is no truth in any of them. They are
all designed to hamper and bring into disrepute
she Red Cross knitting campaign, which is a move
ment deserving all the support any American can
give it. A knitting campaign is rather a curious
object for any hostile power to select as the ob
ject of underhand attack. The stories themselves
are equally curious, tn their mingling of able and
artistic lying with absurd details that stamp them
instantly as not only false, but impossible, to one
who has any knowledge of the Red Cross work.
• ♦ ¥
A typical tale, and one of the most widely
circulated, might be entitled “A Pair of Socks
for Sammy, or .How the Lumberman Got Stung.”
According to this tale, a young lady has knitted
a beautiful pair of socks for a soldier, and en
trusted them to the Red Cross for delivery to any
lad in khaki. Moreover, the young lady, being of
romantic temperament, has put a note with her
name and address in the toe of one of the socks.
A few weeks later she always gets an answering
note from a man in a lumber camp. The answer
assures her that the socks are a fine job and the
lumberman appreciates them. It closes by saying.
“They are the best socks I ever bought for $2.50 in
my life.”
• « «
From this tale an intelligent public is supposed
to deduce that the Red Cross is taking the socks
young ladies knit for soldiers and selling them for
$2.50 a pair. The most striking fact about the
yarn, and all its brethren, is that it crops up in
exactly the same form in every section of the coun
try. The national headquarters of the Red Cross
have received literally thousands of letters, each
reporting that this tale is abroad east and west,
north and south, with hardly a detail changed. The
lumberman who was mulcted of $2.50 sometimes
works in Maine, sohietimes he works in Louisiana
or Michigan or Colorado or Washington. But the
rest' of the tale doesn't vary. This in itself is
enough to throw it out of court with those who
can weigh evidence. It bears a family resem
blance to the thousands of identical telegrams that
flooded congress when the question of declaring
war was pending. But who started it'?
a • •
Another tale is that of the devoted mother who
knitted a sweater for her soldier boy. She gave
it to a Red Cross chapter to forward, but her boy
never got it. She went to the chapter again to
report, and the lady in charge told her the sweater
had been sent. But the keen-eyed mother in ques
tion noticed that the lady was wearing a sweater
herself. A second glance, and she recognized the
sweater as the one she had made for her son.
“That’ is my son’s sweater,” she accuses. “And to
prove it to you, I will show you the $lO bill that I
sewed in the collar.” Which she triumphantly does.
There are several holes in this tale. The larg
est one is the fact that no Red Cross sweater has
a collEtr.’ They .aren’t made that way. Another
is, that the policy of the Red Cross is not to accept
gifts for individual soldiers, but to reserve the
right to give them where they will do the most
good. Anyone who wants to spnd a present or any
thing else to a particular soldier has only to ad
dress the package, affix a postage stamp, and make
use of the well-known parcel post.
• • •
And yet, this $lO-bill-in-the-collar story is going
up and down in the land, and thousands of women
are hearing that it happened to a friend of a friend
of theirs, and are writing to the Red Cross about it.
It does not encourage the knitting campaign. Who
started it?
ENEMIES OF EFFICIENCY
By H. Addington Bruce
EFFICIENCY has many enemies, great and
small. One of the worst is envy. Another
is discontent. A third, of special potency,
is worry.
Thousands of men are held back in their chosen
callings for no other reason than that they are
envious and discontented.
“I wish I were m John Jones’s shoes,” they say
to themselves, with reference to some fellow worker
to whom they are in a subordinate position. "He
gets far more pay than I do and has a far easier job.
"He doesn’t have to come grubbing down here
the first thing in the morning. When he does get
in all he has to do is to sit at a desk and give or
ders, while I have to slave all day.
“It isn’t' fair. I’m just as clever as he is. But
they boost him along, and never give me a chance.”
The mental attitude thus voiced is indeed a
dangerous one—though not to John Jones. It is
dangerous to the men who are envious of John
Jones and discontented at their own slowness of
promotion.
It tends to make them, consciously or uncon
sciously, careless at their work. It deadens what
ever little interest they may previously have had
for their work.
And work done without the stimulus of Interest
is work that is pretty sure to be badly done.
Besides, their envy and discontent are bound
to affect in some degree their physical health. If,
in addition, they worry over the slowness with
which they are progressing, the consequences to
their health may be doubly serious.
For envy, discontent, and worry are as truly
poisons as are strychnine, arsenic and prussic acid.
They derange the workings of every bodily or
gan—the circulation of the blood, the digestion of
food, the elimination of the waste products of di
gestion.
As a result it becomes increasingly difficult to
work at any high level of efficiency. Until soon or
late the envious, discontented, worrying ones will
have real occasion to wonder, not when they will be
promoted, but how long they will be permitted to
hold their jobs.
How different the outcome would be if a sen
sible mental attitude were adopted, if those who are
foolishly envious would only tell themselves:
“John Jones has been promoted faster than I,
and there must be some good reason for it.’
“Perhaps I have not worked quite as faithfully
as he. Perhaps he has discovered a secret of suc
cess which I have overlooked.
“I piust study his personality and his methods.
If I am missing anything that would be to my ad
vantage, I certainly ought to find out what it is.
“Meantime I can only congratulate John Jones
and wish him continued good fortune, while I set
to work to win promotion myself.”
An attitude such as this—absolutely free from
the noxious ingredients of envy, discontent ana
worry—is one that will help to raise, not lower,
the level of efficiency.
And the higher the efficiency level can be raised
the greater the rewards of labor are sure to be.
This is a truth which requires no demonstration.
(Copyright, 1917, by the Associated Newspapers.)
QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES
A soldier on active service reported sick with
swollen knees. The medical officer on examining
them said;
“Oh’, you can’t go to the trenches, my man.
How long have you had those knees?”
“Thirty-five years, sir,” was the unexpected
reply.
There are five or six of these tales, and they
are always whispered so much alike that the Red
Cross officials know them all by heart. The other
day a Washington mai heard one of them, and feel
ing that he had uncovered something important,
he hastened to national headquarters to tell an
officer of the Red Cross. When he had gotten
about ten words out, the officer interrupted. “Let
me tell you the rest' of it,” said the officer. And
he did.
• • *
Whoever evolved the stories, seems to have been
fascinated by the idea of sewing up cash in hid
den places. Did you* ever, as Schehezerade said to
the sultan, hear the tale of the Red Cross packer
and the enchanted pajamas? The packer in ques
tion was boxing a lot of contributed pajamas for
a Red Cross hospital in France, when he felt some
thing hard in one of the seams. He investigated,
and lo! it was a $lO gold piece that some kind
soul had thus secreted for a wounded soldier.
What followed? Why, the word went abroad among
the packers, and since then they rip up all the
seams in all the pajamas before they pack them,
looking for more gold jheces, and hence it is no
use making pajamas for the Red Crosa. Whoever
conceived this tale may have been a German
agent, but he had literary ability.
• • •
Another common tale is that American sol
diers in France have to pay heavy Import duties
on the things the Red Cross sends them. This
is such a gratuitous slander of a friendly power
that it deserves to be nailed seriously and nailed
hard. France has suspended all import duties on
gifts to American soldiers, even the duties on
tobacco and playing cards, both of which are stiffly
protected governfment monopolies and among the
principal sources of the national revenue.
• • •
The Red Cross has never been able to trace a
single one of these stories to its .origin. Though
there are only a few of them, they crop up thou
sands of times; yet they are always things that "a
friend of mine heard,” or "someone I know knows a
woman who,” and so forth.
• • • *
Sometimes you will hear a more serious charge
brought forward to the effect that a large part.of
the $100,000,000 war fund raised by popular sub
scription is being used to pay large salaries and
heavy administrative expenses. As a matter of fact,
practically all of the principal officials at headquar
ters and all over the country as well as abroad not
only work without salaries, but bear all of their
own expenses and are large contributors to the Red
Cross besides.
• • •
Now and again, too, someone raises the ques
tion of the Red Cross and religion. There have
been charges, impossible to trace to their origin,
to the effect that the organization favors or op
poses certain creeds. The Red Cross is absolutely
nonsectarian. Its contributions come from all de
nominations, and it never inquires into creeds when
help is needed.
• * •
There is nothing wrong .or unpatriotic about
criticising the Red Cross. It’ ought to be as open
to criticism as any department of the government.
It is spending a lot of public money, and publlo •
criticism is a salutary influence for any institution
which does that. The Red Cross has been hastily
and enormously expanded. It doubtless makes mis
takes, and it is Anyone’s duty as an American citi
zen to point oiit mistakes and his privilege to de
nounce them as fiercely as he will. But the stock
slanderous stories that have gotten afloat belong in
another class entirely.
They are malicious, mischievous and mysterious.
In so far as they hinder the work to supply our sol
diers with comforts, they are almost treasonable.
None of them has any foundation in fact. Their
very triviality seems to make absurd the idea that
they are started by agents .of the enemy, but the
widespread and the absolute sameness of these triv
ial tales seepis to make it certain that theie -is
an organized movement to get them under way. Tfce
next time you hear one, try to find the person who
was actually victimized. The Red Cross would like
to get at least one of the accounts at first hand.
AUTOBIOGRAPHY
By Dr. Frank Crane
My dear Mabel:* I thank you for your recent
letter asking for my autobiography to read be
fore your woman’s club. I am glad to get a
chance to show you what a real autobiography
ought to be. Nobody cares when Soandso was
born, or where, nor when he married, nor what
was his college. What people want to know is
some such matter as follows:
The subject of this sketch is a husky male
person about six feet tall, with no visible de
formities.
He owns two fountain pens, neither of which
works very well.
Sometimes he writes with a pencil and owns a
patent pencil sharpener; you poke the pencil In
one end and turn a crank at the other; it’s grand.
He does not operate a typewriter, but makes
all his words by hand.
He has a secretary, who writes all his articles
on a machine. She also answers the telephone,
knits for soldiers, buys Liberty bonds, and tells
her boss she wouldn’t write that if she were he.
He has never taken her out to lunch.
He cannot add nor subtract with any degree
of uniformity, hence his secretary keeps tally in
the check book.
He was married young, and his wife has been
on the job steady ever since.
He reads everything he writes when it is in
print. He is his favorite author.
He belongs to several clubs, but does not go
to them.
His father was a Methodist preacher; still,
he has never been in jail.
He is very lazy, fond of anything habit-form
ing, plays chess poorly, wears an eight shoe and
a sixteen and a quarterr collar, smokes cigars that
cost two *and eight-tenths cents apiece, loves ex
pensive soft shirts, likes to have his feet rubbed,
uses an ■ increditable amount of matches, goes to
the theater when he gets free tickets, but pays to
see the movies; is always ahead of time at break
fast, and his favorite fruit is Casaba melon.
The authors he admires most are Maeterlinck,
Anatole France, J. Brierly, Pater, Symons, and
Conan Doyle.
His favorite magazind used to be The Independ
ent, before they improved it. He buys at the
news stands every week detective stories, The
Saturday Evening Post and Collier’s, and reads
all the mystery stories.
He loathes sex-soaked literature.
Ditto the whole bellyache school of writers.
He’d rather sit in the kitchen than in any
room in the hoyse.
H$ has an automobile, but never touches it, and
believes all the chauffeur tells him about it,
when he understands, which is not often.
He does not belong to anything, but believes
in the underlying principles of most revolutionary
movements, such as anatchy, socialism, single-tax,
land currency birth control, woman’s rights, the
Gary system and Christianity. »
He answers every letter he receives, when he
can make out the sender’s name and address.
He does not go to banquets unless he is paid
for it, and attends meetings only on the same
terms.
He writes for a living, and is not ashamed to
take money from the capitalistic pres?.
In conclusion, it may be said of him, as Bill
Nye said of himself, that he is of a cheerful dispo
sition, and pleasant to be thrown amongst; also
that in the morning he wears morning dress, in
the evening he wears evening dress, and at night
he wears a night dress.
(Copyright, 1917, by Frank Crane.)
