Newspaper Page Text
CHEROKEE ADVANCE
CANTON. : : OEOKOIA
a rrnMHtDK b Art ad,
BY VVABXB I. RILL.
Avaj down Isst, whRiw numoMi rtite
An* through tlM bolters flowin’,
Wbsro mtt»« brows# npoa the hills
Whrn summer wind* srs blowing
Whs.w In tht moonlight winter nifbte
The world puts on «sch splendor.
When young folks go to sing*n’ iobool
An' git so kind o' teudsr;
Whtrs nilags gossips hsnr no' tell
Ths'r kind of hsrmisss sUtidsr,
1 hsrs lirsd btn**y*d MtbtUbsl
And lions*! young 1’htlsodtr.
MshsKhsl sms Jsst n met
in' fair ss sutnmsr wssthsrt
Sh# bsu ths outsst)oeils foot
That over trod In leather.
An' than those mild, soft ryes a* hem—
Wy I older wern't no clearer—
1 he> made PhlWnder'e vlaage bom
Whenever he eut near her.
Philander he wtie tall an’ thin,
A kind o' slender feller,
lie hed e sort o' goelln chin,
HI* hair true long an' yeller.
Preet lr. hi* go-to-meetln' cloe',
A standi n’ collar sportin’,
He weut down cross-lots Hunday nights,
To Deeonn Hpen ear's, oourtin'.
There down he sot afore the first
A ihlnkln’ an* a lookin';
He praised the Deacon’■ aheep an' sows.
Ue )>raU*d krr mother'* cookin’.
Vte talked all round ths tender pint,
liut, somehow, couldn't do it;
His words got kind o' out o' Jlnt
Afore he could git through it
Twu* twelve o'clock one Hundsy night,
A Matin' fire wee roarin',
The old folk* lied gone off to bed,
The Deaoon, be wee snorin'.
Around lbs time-worn room Hie light
Pell klud o' soft an’ rosy;
The old pine settle it was drawn
Up by the fireplace cosy.
llehetabel ent on one end,
Philander ha ent by her.
An', with the old b>nga in his hand,
Kep pokin' at tha fire.
lie tried to tell her how he felt,
It sot him In e flutter;
The sweet it Jest rolled down his fees,
Like drops o' melted butter.
flo there they sot an' talked about
Tha tuooushlne an' tha weathar.
An’ kep' a kind o' hltchln' up,
Until they hitched together.
The Deaoon snored sway In bed.
Philander he grsw bolder;
Ue slid bis arm around her heed
An' laid it on hie ahoulder.
An', when she lifted up her eyes
An' looked right into his'n,
It seemed as If Philanders heart
Into hie mouth hed rie«m.
Be sot an' trembled fur e whUs,
Bhe looked so tweet an' devwr.
Home spesrit whispered In his eat t
" lest do it now or uever I”
lies he: " M> dear McheUbel,
My house an’ home ere waitin' |
An' ain't it gettln' to lie time
That you an' I were matin' ?"
An' then see she, Jest lord enough
Fur him to understand her:
•' Kf you kin be oontent with me,
I guess It is, Philander!"
The Deaoon woka up from hla dr«*ama
Bern ha: " There's sunipthln’ browin’."
Us peeked out through the bedroom door
To tee what they were doin'.
An', whsu be sew 'em siltin' there
like testis lambs in clover,
He almost snickered right out loud—
It tickled him all ovar.
lie nudged hie wife an’ told hsr,loo,
An' my I how It did please her.
An' then they talked 'emselves to sleep.
An' snored ewey like Osese/.
Pkl ander sol there all night long;
He didn't think o' goin'
Till, when the day begau to dawn,
He heerd the roosters crow in'.
An', when be started over borne
Aloue acmes the holier.
Re kep’ e talkin' tohlmeslf
An' fumblin' with his oollar.
As* hs, M Thsr' never wus a chap
That did tha b'znasa slicker;"
An* Uian hs gin himself e slap,
An' my! how he did snicks?.
An' now blufrsjrtd M shots bol
Is married to Phi teudsr,
An’ tillage gossips Idly tell
That ne'er was woUdln' grander.
The peaoeful, moonlight winter nights
Uev not yet lost ther* splendor;
Ths young folks go to slngln' school
An’ still gel kind o' Under,
Awsy down Hast, where mountain rills
Are through ths hollsrs flowin',
Where cattle browse upon the bdle
When summer wind* are Mowin',
—Prom PitmuJt/ f form and Fir—id*
THE JILT.
In th, pleasant village of Acton, sitn-
»tod near the oity, on the Somersetshire
tide of the Avon, resided, some two
years since and for aught wo know re
sides thero r.till, an elderly gentleman
whose household affairs wero superin
tended by perfect paragon of a niece—a
lovely and accomplished young lady,
just emerging from her toons, and
graced with that most appreciated of all
olinrms in this unromantio age, the pos
session of a small fortune. On her ar
riving at the age of 21, she was entitled
to the sum of £1,000. Need it be said
that, with these attractions, numerous
were the enamored swains sighing at the
feet of the tair Celia, who, however,
turned a deaf ear to their solicitations,
and restricted her affectione to a favorite
kitten and a “ love of a jpaniel,” till at
length a stalwart knight, sturdy and
bold, entered the lists, and soon dis-
tai.ood all competitors foa the hand of
our heroine and her £1,000.
Matters progressed favorably, and,
after a time, the fair Oelia began to oon-
aider the eyes of horkright )>etter worth
looking into and his countenance more
attractive than that of her juvenile grim
alkin, and even the pet, Flora, was
neglected. Numerous wore their walks,
Down In the vale where the sweet waters glidlug,
Ln murmuring streams ripple through the dark
grove;
And sundry were the ejaculations of the
knight—“How beautiful I ” though
whether they were applied to the scen
ery or lus companion must still remain
an open question. Some six months
elapsed, and our scene now opens in the
loveliest month of the year—warn.,
glowing, suuny June. It wm the eve of
the 1st [of June, and the knight and ths
“fair ladye” were taking their accus
tomed walk. The moonlight lay bright
upon ths river, and the water trembled
Itencath it like timid lips beneath the
first kiss.
A nightingale began to sing in ths
valley, which had derived its name from
the inimitable songster, and another an
swered it from an adjacent grove. It
was a night in which oue not only loves,
btit is beloved, in which one not only longs
for hlosscducKf, but will bo blessed. The
knight drew the “ ladye” closer to his
side, and more compressed was the pres
sure on her delicately rounded arm ns
he poured his vows of affection and un
alterable love into her willing ear. Ilia
advances were not discouraged, for the
happy l>air returned to the uncle, who
doubtless said, in tho language of old
stage comedy gentlemen, “ Take her,
you dog, take her, though you don't de
serve her."
• • • f • •
Time rolled on; four times had ths
seasons changed, but no change had
taken place in ths relstivs positions of
Celia and her knight. They were still
afllanced, but alas, for ths fickleness of
woman I such was not long to continue
the case. A Mr. D , who in early
lifn had exchanged tho quiet and roman-
tio scenery (if his native village for tho
busy, bustling scenes of Manchester, re
turned to Acton for the purpose of
visiting his paronts, and in the oourso of
his sojourn was introduced to our fair
out tickle heroine. Verily, if Cupid shot
tho dart, he has much to answer for; bnt
certain it is that ths young lincn-drnjwr
created, unwittingly, an interest in the
hroaat of tho lady far deeper than that
she felt for her former lover 1 But, alas I
tho flame was not mutual.
Whether Mr. 1>—— was awaro of the
engagement subsisting between Miss
Celia and her kuight, or whether his
affections wore of a platonic rather than
ardent caste, is uncertain: but. never
theless, when his leuvo <4 absence ex
pired, be took leave of tho damsel with
nil conceivable coolness and unconcern,
and deserted the charming Celia for
calicoes and counter-jumping. Poor
girl 1 the shock to her susceptible affec
tions was insupportable. Hlie pined and
withered, walked about the house with
an absent, distracted, melancholy air,
took to singing doleful ditties, com
mencing with “ Hweet Blighted Lily,”
and, in short, was fast Incoming a prey
to “» lean and yellow melancholy.”
In vain the assiduous knight, who lit
tle susjracted the causo of his fair one’s
misery, redoubled his attentions. In
vain he entreated her to put a termina
tion to his doubts and fears, and crown
bis happiness by becoming Mrs. K .
No ; the image of her kuight was sup
planted in her fuithful heart by her dear,
her darling Mr. 1) ; and Anally, when
she tracaine of age, she quietly sent a
letter to the young gentleman at Man
chester, avowing her predilection for
him, and offering herself for his accept
ance, “for better, for worse,” as theenso
might bo. As soon as tho Manchester
man received the loiter ho at once cut
the calico trade, and came os fast as tho
wrings of lovo and an express train could
bring him to throw himself at the lady's
feet. Fortnue was favorable.
Tho uncle and guardian of the lady
were temporarily absent; and (we blush
to say it) the faithless Oelia and lior lin
en-draper lover wore united in the indis
soluble 1 Hindu of holy matrimony. Bwift-
ly passed the hours, and (hey awaked
from their "dream of young love.” Tho
Manchester man explained to his sorrow
ing lady that oircumstunooH compelled
him to return to that city, and that it
would be highly inconvenient for him to
tako her with him just then. Wiping
away her tours with his snowy cambric
handkorohiof (a choice sample of a re
cent consignment), ho besought her (or
a short time to kcop their murriuge se
cret ; and, assuring her of fidelity to
their pledged vows, said ho should
shortly return and olaim her na his
bride. They parted. Mr. D re
turned to his business; the deceived
knight was still constant in his visits,
and thus cuds the second chapter of this
evcutlul history,
• • a • • • e
TVb days only had passed since the
departure of Mr. D , but in that brief
interval the train had been laid to the
mine which was to oxplndo beneath the
feet of tho unsuspecting Olio. Tho un
cle was informed of his niece's seoret
marriage, and while she was walking in
the valley we have before spoken of,
musing on her absent husband, and
meditating what she should say to her
present lover (for her knight accompa
nied her in her walk), he was preparing
to hurl anathemas on her lioad on hor
return. The sun had sunk below the
horizon, and the silvery beams of the
moon were shining on the tope of the
tall trees, when the pair bent their steps
homeward.
The hour, the scene, all concurred in
reminding the kuight of the day when
his lady love first, blushing, owued she
loved him, and again he passionately
entreated her to name “ the day, the
eventful day,” which should turn gloom
into gladness, and make his heart leap
with hilarious joy. Iustead of informing
him of what had taken place, she owned
his passion was returned, and he accom
panied hor to her residence, elate with
hope at the imagined prosjieot of his de
sires Ix-ing gratified by the bestowal of
her hand and fortune. Judge of his as
tonishment, however, when, on arriving
at tho door, an outburst: of fury on the
part of the uncle too soon revealed, to
him the terrible truth.
The revulsion of feeling was too great;
lie was distracted; he tore his hair; and,
with a wild gaze on the transfixed Celia,
he rustled from the house. Bleep wus
out of the quostion; and, like Aduin, ho
still lingered around his lost paradise.
Meantime oar heroine had to endure the
reproaches of her incensed guardian,
who even proceeded to personal violence;
and to the dead of night she packed np
her worldly goods, not forgetting tho
£1,000, determined on the first blunb. of
morn to be " off and sway,”
Bhe carried her determination into «-
fect, and at " early dawn” left the houae
and proceeded on her road to Bristol.
She had not taken many steps, when, to
her surprise, she met the diaoonsolate
knight who had so hurriedly "cut his
•tick” the previous evening, looking a
perfect picture of woe-begone wretched
ness. Who shall fathom tha heart of
woman I—her partiality for hinf revived,
she longed to oonsole the wretohed wan
derer, and to hie frantic entreaty ahe re
plied, in accents tweet, " My own deer
knight, I am afraid I have been a little
fool. Can yon forgive your poor, un
happy, wretched Oelia f H.r overbur
dened heart oould say no more; she
swooned, and was caught in tha arms of
her faithful'knight, who, with many a
fond, endearing expression and sundry
pressings to his bosom, recalled her to
life.
“ What shall we dot” murmured the
unhappy girl. “Out and ran,” sug
gested hor lover, though not. perhaps,
in these very forcible words. Some
thing, indeed, he said about flying with
him in e state of felioity, declaring she
could not think of doing euoh a thing,
and, finally,
Wblafartiig, " III n«»*r aosaasl" wanbt
They fled, carrying with them the
£1,000 sterling, and. the disconsolate
nusband does not know wharo to find
either ths fugitivo lovers or the winged
riches. Moreover, the clandestinely
contracted alliance being displeasing to
tho lady's friends, they will not assist
her liege lord and master in discovering
ner whereabouts.
THK MAN WHO WAB JMIXED.
“ Itcally, bnt I hope yon will excuse
the intrusion,” said the ahabhy-looking
man, as the insurance agent looked np.
“ You are excusable, sir. What did
yon wish ?’’
Well—you—see—I'm a bit mixed.
Was it Napoleon or Washington who
crossed the Alps?"
“ Napoleon, of course,”
“Just so—thanks. I was inclined
that way myself, bnt yet I knew that
Ocn. Washington was always scooting
around, and he might have taken it into
his head to cross tho Alps, Oood-day,
sir."
He passed down the hall thirty feet,
and then returned and protested;
“Hay, don’t think ill of me, bnt I am
still mixed ii|>—dreadfully mixed. Will
you answer me ono more question ?”
“ Yes.”
" Was it Nero who commanded the
sun to stand still ?”
“No; it was Joshua.”
“ I had an idea that it was Joshua,
but I didn't dare put np money on it,
Nero was always fiddling around, yon
know, nnd I hod a dim idea that lie
might have taken a whack at the sun.
Very much obliged to you, sir."
Tliis time lie went half-way down
stairs and returned on tip-toe. The
agent looked up and saw him in' the
door, and sharply queried :
“ Well ?"
“ Mixed again 1” pleaded the stranger.
“ Bay, I want to ask you just ono morn
quostion.”
"Yes." *
“ Did you ever lend a man a dollar to
nelp him on his way to Oolumbus to see
his dying wile f”
“Never! You are thinking of old
Diogenes. He used to sholl out to overy
dead-beat who came along.”
“ Mixed again, by thunder I” mut
tered the man ; and as he pasted down
stairs he took great pains to set his feet
down on each step like a man who had
bet on three of a kind and found a flush
taking hiB money.—Detroit Free Freee.
WHITE PLAINLY.
Tho rejection of the manuscript of an
uufamiliar author is perhaps oftener on
account of illegible handwriting than of
lack of merit. There is no greater tor
ture for an editor than to have to de
cipher a bad mauusoript and the sense,
especially of a poem, is frequently en
tirely lost in the tangled mass of
wretched penmanship. Sir Franois
Jeffrey knew so well the difficulty of
forming a correct judgmout of an artiole
by a reading in manuscript, that, when
he sent in his first artiole after he had
retired from the Edinburgh Review, he
had an understanding with Napier, hia
•uocesaor, that it should not be read till
it appeared in the proof. A few years
ago tho editor of the Saturday Review
was accustomed to have every artiole
which appeared as if it might be worthy
aoooptanoe put into type before deciding
upon it, for, as Charles Lamb says, there
Is no such raw and unsatisfactory read-
leg as an article in manuscript. The
tame practice is followed by the editor
of Harper'r Magazine, it is said. Even
authors of wide experience, like Thomas
Moore and Macauley, wore seldom able
to form a judgment of their own works
until they had Been how they looked in
print— Boston Herald.
A warren standing at the foot of the
gallery stairs in an English theater,
filled with 4,000 people, cried out:
“Let’s turn out the gus.” No sooner
said than done. The ruffian also threw
a wooden" bar across tho stairs so that
the people, when the gas went out were
seized with a oanio, tumbled over it, In
juring nearly twenty, one of whom died,
and several had to be taken to tha lios-
pitul. What kind of an interior such a
1 miug possesses could not be decided ex
actly, wero he even dissected alive.
Why is the house of a tidy wife like a
motion to adjourn ? You give it up ?
tier huso it is aUsjs is ordyr,
only a jomm
A tailor not far from Petticoat lane
got hold of e red-hot idee. He heated
up hia fooee to the blistering point and
placed it on a bench at hia door with tho
sign reading, "Only a sixpence.” In a
few minutes along came an ancient
looking Israelite, with an eye out for
bargains, and, sa he sav the goose and
read the sign, he made ttp hia mind that
he had struck it rich. He naturally
reaohrd out to heft hia bargain, and
that waa where he gave himself away.
The tailor almost fell down with his
merriment, bnt it did not loot over sixty
seconds. At the end of that time the
victim entered the shop and began a
sort of gymnastic performance which
did not end Util the tailor waa e eadly-
mashed man and his shop in the greatest
confusion. The two wore fighting in
front when an offioor came along and
nabbed both, and both ware brought
before hia Honor together. The tailor
appeared with a black eye and a finger
tied np in a red rag, and the Israelite had
a scratched nose and waa minna two
front teeth.
“ Woll T” queried the court, aa the
pair stood gazing at him.
“ Vhell, I shall ah peak first,” replied
the tailor. “I like to have a alioke
sometimes, and no I put dot goose omit
dere. Id vhaa all in funs, nnd I am
werry sorry.”
“ I couldn't see whar the fan cum in,”
said the other. "Dia yere hen’ am all
burned to a blister, an’ I won’t beAble
to use it for two weeks.”
“Did you pnt that hot goose out
there for a joke f ’ quoried the court
“Yaw—it vaa only a ahokc."
“ And wore you joking when you on-
tered the shop and made things hnm ?"
he aaked of the other.
“ No, boas, I wasn’t I am an old
man and not mnoh giben to lafHn’ an'
onttin' np. Wli4n I let go of dat goose
I made np my mind to maah dat tailor
flatter dan a blllyanl ball. It waa my
first fout for ol>or forty y’ra, bnt I
got de bulge on liim an’ was usin’ him
up when de officer stepped in. No,
boas, I waan’t jokin' Trant dat time.”
“ Were yon vert tickled f” he queried
of the tailor.
“ Vhell, I waa tickled until he pitch
into me.”
“Yon wan the only one who had any
fnn out of it?”
“Vhell, I a'pose so."
“ Then you’ll havo to foot the bill. I
shall let him go and flno you 40 shil
ling*.”
“ Do ish pooty high.”
“ Yea; but it waa a rich joke, you
know.”
“ Maybe ahe vbaa, but I guess I let
dot goose cool off now. Here la 40
shillings, und now 4 shall go borne. I
bid you Root day.”—Ixjndon /taper.
YWO YAMOUB CAVBM.
The Mammoth Gave is in Edmondson
! f '°nnty, near Groetiriver, alwmt seventy-
five miles from LoAavillr, Its entranna
is raaohed by parsing down a wild, rocky
ravine through a dense forest. Tho cave
extends some nine miles. To visit the
portions already traversed, it is said, re
quires 160 to 200 miles of travel. Tho
cave contains a sucoession of wonderful
avenues, chambers, domes, abysses,
grottoes, lakes, rivers, cataracts and
other marvels, which are too woll known
to need more than a reference. One
chamber—tho Star—is about 600 feet
long, seventy feet wide, seventy feet
high, the eeiliog of which is composed
of black gypsum, and is studded with
innumerable white points, that by a dim
light resemble stars, licnoe the nnrno of
the ohamlier. There are avenues one
and a half nnd even two miles in length,
some of which are incruntod with beau
tiful formations, nnd present the appear
ance of enchanted palace halls. There
is a natural tunnel about three-quarters
of a mile loug, 100 feet wide, covered
with a ceiling of smooth rook forty-five
feet high. Thoro is a ohamlier having
an area of from four to five acres, and
there are domes 200 and 800 feet high.
Echo river is some three-fourths of a
mile in length, 200 feet in width at some
points, and from ten to thirty in depth,
and runs beneath an arched ceiling of
smooth rook about fifteen feet high;
while the Styx, another river, is 460 feet
long, from fifteen to forty feet wide, and
from thirty to forty feet deep, and is
spanned by a natural bridge. Lake
Lejhe haa about the same length and
width as the Biver Styx, varies in depth
from three to forty teat, liea beneath a
ceiling soma ninety feet above its sur
face, and sometimes rises to a height of
sixty feet. There is also a Dead sea,
quite a somber body of water. There
are several interesting eaves in tha
neighborhood, one three miles long, and
three eaeh about a mile in length.
Wyandotte Cave, in Jennings town
ship, Crawford coonty, Ind., near the
Ohio river, in a rival of the great Mam
moth Cave in grandeur and extent. Ex
plorations have been made for many
miles. It excels the Mammoth Oave in
the number and variety of its stalagmites
and stalactites, aud in the size of several
of its chambers. One of these ohambers
is 860 feet in length, 246 feet in height,
and contains a hill 176 feet high, on
which are three fine stalagmites. Epsom
salts, niter and alum have been ob
tained from the earth of the oave.—Chi
cago Inter Ocean, .
Off* of Aleck Stephana’ stories afta*
ooming in a handsome winner at a game
of whist: There waa a Jew in Oeorgia
who had a difficulty with a man who had
injured him. The Jew got the man
down and continued tho pommeling. A
by-stander pleaded for the under man,
and said • “ Don’t gouge a man when he
is down.” The Jew replied : “ Dat ish
de time to gouge a i** 11 whan he ish
down."
It costs more to avenge wrongs than
to hear them.
BBN BUT LEW8 BOO.
“There la more romance about my
business than you think. I could tell
yen a atory about Ban Bntier’t dog
Tiger that would open your eyes. Per
haps you won’t believe it, but it’s eo,
every word of it. I told you a while ago
that I thought $S0 waa e big reward for
finding a ilog. It coat $26,000 to look
for Ben Outlet’s dog, anil y»t Tiger has
uever been found. The case waa
this way: Home five or at* years
ago Butler had a very flno Silx.rian
’cloodhonnd that he prised very highly,
aud whioh had been given to him by a
Boston friend. One day tha dog waa
missing, and Mr. Bdtleraraa very atigry.
He advertised extensively for Tiger, bnt
for many days ho oould hear nothing
from hia favurita. At length the dog
waa brought home by a young man, and
Mr. Bailor willingly paid him $5 as a
reward. Soon afterward Tiger waa again
missing, and the same agony waa suf
fered by Mr. Butldr. Again the same
young man returned (St'dog, and Mr,
Butler agam shelled out a V. Bat this
time he tied up the dog, and ordered the
man to keep au extra watch upon hia
kennel. In three weeks that dog was
again missing, and no search that oould
be made turned him up. Mr. Butler
had tha young man who hod twice found
him hnntod up by the polioo, nnd ac
cused him of having stolen Tiger. The
charge couldn’t be proven, however,
and then detectives were put to work on
tho case. They soon rojrarted that the
dog had left the city. Mr. Butler, vis
iting the Treasury Department, had a
talk with Mr. Whitney, who put several
members of the secret service on the
track of that dog. First thoy got a clew
of Tiger away up in Now York State.
Then they hoard from him in Portland,
Me., and again in Indianapolis, Inil.
They visited many cities, and the people
thought they were looking for oonnter-
feitors and bogus plates. They were in
reality after Butler’s dog. But after a
search of nearly a year they gave np tho
ohoac, and Tiger has uever to this day
been hoard from.”—Famoui Dog Catch
er, in Waihington Republican.
HOW TO
CATCH
BEAM.
A TOLAR
TBKABINO WATEK,-
The Indiana on the Missouri river,
when they liave occasion to traverse
that impetuous stream, invariably tread
wator just as tho dog trends it Tho
uatives of Joanna, an island on the coast
of Madagascar, young jrarsona of both
sexes, walk the water, carrying fruit and
vegetables to ships becalmed, or it may
lie lying-to, in the offing miles away.
Some Groomen whose oanoe npee t be
fore my eyes in the seaway on the coast
of Africa walked the water, to the safe
keeping of their lives, with the utmost
facility ; uul I witnessed negro children
“ I do ao pity those men on iho Rodg
ers," remarked Mrs. Max, passing the
Major the honey, whioh he always in
sisted upon having with hia rice cake#
“Yes, indeed,” replied the Major,
who waa a trifle cynical that morning,
haring burned his mouth with ooffee.
“ Yes, indeed, my dear, the life of an
Arctic explorer must be hard. They are.
ao isolated from the world. Jnst imag
ine. If yon «an, the horror of living for
three years oat of the dust and wind
and fog and rain of our glorious eli-
mate; of tioi meeting all that time the
man at your olub who thinks the oftoner
a atory is told the better it la j of being
without Did connotation afforded you by
the busted atook operator, who knows
you are glad of an opjrartnnily to lend
him $20; of being where millinory and
Japanese decoration uteres do not daily
intrap one’s wife; of being— 1 ’’
“ Why, Major, horw you do talk 1 I
waa only thinking of tho horrid things
the Rodgers' eiww will havo to do to get
> their bear steaks.”
“How’s that?" asked tho Major, in
stantly interested over the subject of
steaks, which he hokla of much greater
importance than the Irish land troubles.
“What I know about it," resumed
Mra. Max, " I read in a fashion paper,
and it ought to be true.”
"It certainly ought to be, Mra. Max,
if only on account of its old age.”
“Well, the article said,” continued
Mrs. Max, pretending to ignore the
Major’s slur on her favorite rending,
“ that Aretio explorers, when they want
to kill a polar bear, plant a big knife in
the iee with the blade sticking up. They
daub the blade with blood, and the bear
oomee along and licks it and cats his
tongue. It is so cold that ho doesn’t
feel the out, but, tasting his own blood,
he continues to lick the knife until hia
tongue ia all frayed, and he bleeds to
death. Isn't it dreadful f ”
“ Quiet your fears, my dear,” said the
Major, whan hia wife had finished.
“ That ia the way they killed the bear
when the atory waa first published, but
in the last twenty yesrs an improvement
haa been made whioh I will toll you
about, if you will kindly give me juet a
drop mors coffee, with cold milk this
time- The way the thing ia done is aa
follows s When Capt Berry, of the
Rodgers, wants a polar bear for dinner,
he gives a Midshipman a oopper bed-
spring aud a chunk of salt pork. The
Midshipman comprcsaea tho spring per
fectly flat; wraps the pork aronud it
tight, and holds it ao until it freezes
solid. Then the frozen pork, stuffed
with the bed-spring, is thrown out to
the nearest iceberg, wliure it ia prompt
ly swallowed by a jralar bear. When
the heat of the boor's stomach thaws out
im other occasions doing so at a very
tender age. At Madras, watching their -the pork, it releases the spring, which
opportunity, messengers, with letters so- ' flies out, and the bear dies from a pain
cured in an oilskin cup, plunged into in his ydo.'
the trailing sitrf, and mode their wav
trending tho water to tho vest els out
side, through a sea in which an ordinary
European boat will not live. At the
Capo of Good Hope men used to pro
ofed to the vessels in the oiling through
the mountain billows, trending the water
as they went with the utmost security ;
and yot here on our own shores, and
amid smooth waters, men, women aud
children perish like flics annually, when
a little properly-directed effort—treading
the water aa I have sui.l—would haply
suflioe to rescue them every one.—
Nature.
ME HAD nte CBEDENTIALB.
It hapiraned in Hau Antonio, and only
a short tirao ago. A seedy-looking
“cuss,” with a hungry look about him,
walked into tho office of the Sunset
route and asked to aee Col. Andrews,
tho Vice President of the rood, on im-
portaut business of a private character.
“ I want a free pass to got out into
the country to pick ootton," said the di
lapidated mau after the door was locked
on the inside.
“You are a newspaper man, I sup
pose,” responded Ool. Andrews.
“ No, I ain’t, but I might os well lie.
I need fresh clotlios, can’t make a living
in the blasted town, and huven’t had a
square meal in a month.”
“Well, if you ain’t careful you will
be a journalist, sure enough,” remarked
Col. Andrews, as he opened a drawer
and took out a blank pass to fill up.—
Qalveaton News.
TO KEEP BHADED PLAOEB OB KEN.
Especially in the front yards of dwell
ings, both in town and country, whioh
are much shaded, wo often see the
ground completely bare, not a living
thing being perceptible. Sometimes
there are many neorly-nude, straggling
limbs lying upon the ground or very
near it, whioh are unsightly and every
way worthless, that ought to be eut
away. This would give room for the
growing there of some plant or vine
that would be adapted to it, aud which
would not only cover the naked spot and
make it a “ living green,” but would be
adding very mnoh to tho general appear
ance of the premises. The best vine
for this ia undoubtedly the periwinkle.
It will grow almost anywhere in the
shade, if tiie proper attention is given
to it, and not otherwise. It ia a beauti-
tiful vine and will densely oovei the
ground, producing nearly the whole sea
son a pretty luue flower. WeedB, how
ever. are its deadly enemies.
“What,” asked Che teacher, “was
the greatest obstacle Washington en
countered in orossing the Delaware?’’
And tha smart bad boy thought lor a
minute, and then made answer, “The
toll-man.”
Tnrpza, the “Proverbial Philoso
pher, ” and the butt of the paragraphed in
both hemispheres, is said as a man to be
very jovial, kind-hearted and a good
fallow generally, bnt as a poet ludicrous
ly conceited.
Major,” said Mrs. Max, with much
1 1 don't believe that' story is
«au
warmth,
trae.”^
“No, my dear, and you won’t until,
in a few years, you see it in aomo fash
ion pajrar, ami then you will swear by
it,”—San Franci*ao Chronicle).
TALI. LTINO.
Four Kentucky printers met one day
over a free lunch, and one began boast
ing abont having gained a prize at a
type-setting competition. lie modestly
put tho flgnre at 2,000 ems per hour.
“ Wal, that’s a mighty poor show, I
reckon,” said No. 2, .on tempt untruly.
" I could stick tyjie together quicker
than that with my eyes shut—about
6,000 ems is what I can do.” No. 3 :
“ Five thousund ems an hour 1 Wal, I
guess, where I last slung tyjra thoro was
a man who gobbled up copy so fast that
he kept a small boy going all day run
ning bnck'nrds and for’ards for fresh
supplies. You’ve seen a buggy wheel
spin round with a fast-trotting cob in
front of it, when tho spokes looked like
streak* of cold lightning? Wal, when
that man was setting type, ho moved so
fast thut you could never tell what he
was like. Ho was a cloud of mist. In
ono day thatman set np—" No. 4, who
had not hitherto spoken, here struck in :
“ You really don’t know what that mAn
was like?” “No; we worked alongside
each other five months, and during that
time I never once got a good look at his
face, and then I hod to send in my
checks, for the wind caused by his rapid
movements gave me suah dreadful rheu
matics that I was never well for two
days together." “You’re quite sure
you would not know that man again ?"
continued No. 4, calmly fixing his eye
upon the nnrrator. “ No, I’ve just told
you." “Wal, I know what you’ve been
telling us ia a fact, for I’m that man I"
INTBNTOBS IN ENGLAND AND
AMEBIC A.
Americans have earned a reputation
for the number if not for the caliber of
their inventions. Perhaps their success
is as muoh due to the prevailing disposi
tion to believe in au alleged discovery
and to give it a trial. In England an
inventor who proclaims hia invention is
looked upon like a clucking hen who has
laid her egg. Doubtless theve are occa
sions when he ia over noisy and un
conscionable. Inventor* have had
more grievances and have apprised the
world of them more than any other class
of men Here they are regarded as
bores; in America they are entertaining,
uud everybody listens to them. Thut is
partly why Amerio* oilers a bettor field
for the propagation of discovery. But
Mr. Chamberlain trod justly, as we
believe, on one of our favorite forms of
uatioual self-depreciation when he do
med that the Americans surpassed bs in
in the more solid and striking of the in
ventions whioh the world’s registry of-
fioe records. —London Timee.
It is a remark able‘fact that the centre
of population of the United States lias
pr.Ki
PvBOHAOoaoi "rare old cW**"
often stnck-cup paopl*.
Blacksmiths are rarely good penm«ti
and yet they are always forging.—Rot*
i ton Courier.
Tss male idiot now arranges hia hair
in the water wavee plastered down on
hia forehead. —1/urrieburg Telegraph
" Mamma, what are twin# made for r
aaked a little girl tho other day. He»
precocious elder brother replied : ' 8®
that cannibal* may eat philopenas.”
Want Rabelais waa on hia death-bed,
a consultation of physician# waa called.
“Dear gentlemen,” eaidtha wit to tha
doctors, raising hia languid head, "let
me die a natural death.”
“ War, air," said a client to hia law
yer, "you are writing my bfll an very
rough paper.” “ Never mind.” waa tho
lawyer's reply, “ it will have to be filed
before it Ocmos into court,"
“ Mamma,” said a 6-year old, the other
day, “ I wish yon wouldn’t loava mo to
take care of baby again. He we# eo bad
I had to eat all the sponge cake and two
jars of raspberry jam to amuse him.”
Sato a parent to hia little son, who
had-committed some act of indiscretiou:
“ Do yon know that I am going to whip
you?” "Yea,” said the boy, "I sup-
pooe yon are, because yon are bigger
than I am r
Looms who w«*» bangs may profit by
a perusal of thia: .
Oh ths bangl Tbatorribla banal
How over tha fonbaad th*r <UneW> and baar.
Or, plastered with pasta, wltb bioUmm tad area«a,
How tba curljranaa Ml oh Uk* a door-mat’s Inrrooao I
y Ood mado tho forehoad a tempi* of thrnlfbt,
Tho d*rll mado baas* to >M U at naught
Th* following letter waa received by
an undertaker from an afflicted widower;
“Bur-my waif ia ded and wont# to be
berried to-morrow at Wooer klock. U
nose waire to dig the hole—by fhe alad
of two other waifs—let it bo deep.”
"Tina isn’t a menagerie,” sharply ob
served an irascible deacon to a mau who
was trying to foroo a passage through
p crowd at a church doorway. “ No, I
presume not,” returned tho stranger, “or
they wouldn’t leave any of th* animal*
to block np th* entranoe."
Am exchange says: “Of the 600 young
ladies attending the Elmira Female Col
lege no two can agree aa to what they
would do in case they saw a bear. Now,
this is a libel on the young ladies, lor,
were he well drceeod and respectable, at
least threc-fourtha of them would wait
with curious impatience to see if he pro
posed to hug them.”
William Prrmw, of Arkansas, sat
himself down on tha steps of iw country
church and said there should be no
preaching there that Sunday. ' After
William had received a bullet in tho leg
he vacated, and tho services were begun.
The text waa: "Why do tfc* heathen -
rage ?"
Bbun, (ban th* bar (th* terere bar).
That bar k> rtteag b«p*i
If yoe would k**p from aU that aotte,
D«* only bar at aaap.
’Tli bnt a itcp from bar flret nam'd
Unto tha prtaonir’a bar;
It ta tb* land bar la llfa a itrsam
Where many wreck id an.
It ta th* bar whir* you’ll b* aba tad,
Olean ** tba barbar’i ahare.
Of money, honor, baallh and pasen—
Oh, bib I b* no bar itera.
'•Boston TYanooripL
THE PEOPLE WHO DHIET.
There are in evory large city a class of
drifting people, to whom a definite and
permanent abiding place would be in
tho nature of a prison; people who
would be embarrassed by being tabu
lated with that announoemont of
reapeotability, an engraved door-plate,
or by being embalmed in the city di
rectory.
Thoy ore the rolling stones of society
who gather up considerable social moss
in their course and live the life of versa
tility, of color, of light, and if it is not
the life of phenomenal depth it may, at
any rate, serve to balanoe the classical
recluses who live secure but stationary,
and inflict philosophical critiques on the
public.
It is mostly the feminine portion of
the good Bohemians who thus Blip in
and out of successive “environments.”
A man will vegetate for ever iu the same
suit of apartments, if he has once been
pleased with them, purely from inertia,
which is why the landlady of tho period
quite prefers the superior ruoe—“Single
gentlemen preferred,” always. Now,
after a woman has gone on doing the
same thing long enough she lragina to
look about her to do something else.
Ohauge is tho very breath of her exist
ence. Routine is to her intolerable. It
is not that she in the least expects to
improve matters, but she prefers va
ried to monotonous misery. Aud lit
tle infelicities in time aggregate them
selves to the verge of the unendurable.
Nor is there much scienoe in a settle
ment of those itinerant people. They
do not- take root anywhere, and are
ready to slip out and arrange their
books and bro-a-brao in some other
apnrtinent any day. The drifting
throngs of people who thus migrate
about the city are a curious study iu
modem ife.
Iv Philadelphia two ladies met on the
street, and one said to the other: "Why,
you look very happy this morning;
wimt’s happened?” “Oh, I’ve just
been up having my fortuno told,” was
the reply, “and the woman says I’m to
murry twice more, have diamonds and a
carneTa-hair shawl, and that I can go to
the ojx’ra six night* in a woek if I want
to.” “Dear me! I don’t wonder that
you’re happy. But you won’t say any
thing to your husband?” “Oh, of
course not. Poor man, he’s good to me,
and it might hurt his footings to know
that I am going to marry twice more.
advanced in a straight liue since 1790, * think I’ll tell him that I’m likely to '
due west from Baltimore. ' diu first.”
