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AN ADAPTATION OF EXODUS.
Why There Were Many Plagues in the Captain’s Quarters.
BY OWENDOI.KX OVEKTIIN.
To a certain sort of mind a saint is
only t 0 known as a saint by the
baio above his brow, and the Prince of
Darkness himself would be devoid of
identity without .a, pitchfork and
( ,; o ven hoof. To such as these the
knight-errantry Q f Drayton and Bart
lett may seem problematical; but a
knight-errant is .one who succors beau
ty in distress, anjil who rides abroad
redressing human wrongs. Whether
he employs an obnoxious insect rath
„r than a swore 1 , ,as Drayton did,
or whether he rides a S. C. govern
ment mule, as Bartlett was want to do,
is neither here nor there.
Bartlett was riding the aforesaid
mule shortly after the time my story
begins. He rode it arp the line, its long
gray ears waggling evenly and rest
tully, and came to a .halt ;in trout of
the set of quarters where .Drayton and
he roomed. Drayton .was sitting on
the porch, his feet on the railing, his
chair tipped back, and the .visor of his
cap pulled down on his .nose. He
pushed the cap to the back of his
head as Bartlett came sflo.wly aip the
steps.
“I wish you woud get a horse,” he
complained. “If you could just realize"
the figure you cut on that .old ele
phant!”
"That’s a mule,” corrected Bartlett,
his arm around a pillar and letting
his heels dangle as he perched .on the
railing. “It's also a very nice
It is no longer a shave-tail, bait has
reached years of discretion. The mo
ment man or animal doe-s that, has ap
preciative country straightway has
■him inspected and condemned. Horses
■ may do for some, but not for one who
■has the duties of post quartermaster
■to perform. And, besides, I believe in
Zthe infantry and scorn a horse.”
[ I "The scorn,” observed Drayton,
■“of the fox for the grapes.”
I I “Don’t rub it in,” said Bartlett, de
■ectedly; “I'm miserable enough as it
I “Thought you looked rather triste.
H'rn all sympathy. Go on.”
I Bartlett released his hold upon the
■filar and folded his arms on his breast
■u an attituue combining stern endur
ance and precarious balance. “The
■lollinses are going to rout the Law r -
Srences out.”
|| fs 7 ow, the Collinses were the family
■( Captain Coilins—wife, mother-in
■aw on both sides, and three small
■hildren. They had that morning ar
rived in the post, Collins was in com-
Hnand of Troop L, which had been
fcioved on some weeks before. If he
Had been well-disposed his entry
Should not have put the whole garri-
Hon, below his rank, in the throes of
Hear of a progressive “turning out.”
H'or there were empty quarters into
he might have moved exactly
■- well as not, and no one have been
piny the worse off.
II “But Collins won’t see it that way,”
Hartlett went on. “He ranks Law
■ence, and his wife ranks him, you
Bet; and it s the wife and the mother-
Bi-law -who are going to have the Law-
Etnces’ set or bust.”
i: | “Throw them a few buckets of paint
Bnd calcimine, by way of sop,” Dray-
Bcn ventured to suggest.
B “Did,” said Bartlett, briefly. “Of-
Bered them half the quartermaster's
Bepartment, and a carpenter, and a
Blacksmith, and a farrier, too. if they
Bappened to need one. Told them they
Bould have any or all of tne colors of
B&int in the rainbow, if they’d just
Be good—but those three Graces are
Being to have the Lawrences’ house.”
H Drayton opined, with a little of the
Blacidity, nevertheless, with which we
BH bear one another's burdens, that it
Has a very great and very profane
Bhame. “There's that poor little wom-
B n with those little bits of kids, and
Bgst moved into those quarters, and
them all fixed up so prettily, and
garden started, too. Then, those
They’re a mean lot of cat-
V e ’ a nyway.” He made a gesture of
■P'sgnst, which turned the visor around
Byer his left ear, and was silent for a
Hninute through sheer wrath.
■ "I told Mrs. Lawrence they would be
Berpents on the wood cutter's
Hearth—”
B "Serpents, now?” asked Bartlett;
■‘they were cattle before; and you
■ailed that”—he pointed over hts
■boulder—“au elephant, whereas, in
B°mt of fact, it’s a mule.”
j§ l told her,” continued Drayton,
■amoved, “that it wouldn’t pay. 1
■now all about the Collinses —served
■ ith them in Texas. 1 was sitting on
B“ r s. Lawrence's steps—l know* that
■ usually am. so you can save yourself
■H was sitting on her steps when the
■ “Ains outfit drove up. The ambu
o*See stopped in front of the C. O.'s
■°use, next door, and Collins jumped
But and went in. The rest of them
■ust waited. All would have been well
■ Mrs. hadn’t become
■ e nder-hearled in a most unnecessary
■ a y. and hadn’t chosen to disregard
advice.” He assumed the look of
W°Puecy fulfilled. "I told her to sit
■ '' and not get excited and do some
■“ln£ rash; gave her the benefit of
and experience. But it
■ te n t any use. , She made me dry up
■ a u hang on to the kids, while she
■ n dow n to the ambulance and invit
■; whole caboodle to come n and
B ’ and refresh themselves. They
■“Pe- You can bet your life they
they wouldn't have been the
■tp ltlsps I saw Dame C.'s weather
Bj/ taking in the house. I could see
1 iked it, and L knew there'd be
■,. e - M rs. Lawrence kept them to
■sW° n the w hole seven of them,
■ ' me > too; but the kids were
raising Cain, and the abode of peace
was transformed, so I lit out.”
"Well, I guess she's sorry now —if
that’s any comfort to you. For the
Collinses are not only going to have
those quarters, but they’re going to
have them quick. Even the C. O. got
at Collins. But it wasn’t .any use.
My wife likes tne quarters,’ says he.
And that’s all.”
They sat in meditation for some
time. Then Drayton spoke.
“I like those quarters, too. J‘m go
;ing to have some of them myself,” he
said.
Bartlett did not understand., and
JDrayton undertook to explain.
“Well —see here.!’ He took his feet,
down from the rail, in his earnestness,
and straightened his cap. “it's like
this. You and I have got one room
each iin this house, haven’t we, same
as the most of the other bachelors?”
Such was the case. “And we’re en
titled .to two rooms each, aren’t we?”
Bartlett agreed that they were. “And
we'-ve "been keeping these ones because
we’ve been too lazy and good natured
,to ask Tar more, haven’t we? Well we
won’t be lazy and good natured any
more. If the Collinses move into the
Lawrences’ set. I’ll vacate my room
turn it over to you—and I’ll apply for
the upstairs floor of the Lawrences
house. 0,ll! I'm entitled to it, all
right,” he 'Chuckled. “I know my
rights as a citizen of these United
States and as a first-lieutenant or
cavalry. The Collinses, the whole
sweet seven of ’em, may have the low-,
er floor. It’s all they can claim under
law. That’s four rooms, including the
kitchen. I dare say they won’t mind
living like that any way. They're
pigs.”
“Pigs, too?” asked Bartlett.
Drayton went on unfolding his plan.
■“‘Once I have that top floor, you watch
the interest in life I'll provide for
them. I’ll make their days pleasant
and their nights—particularly their
nights—beautiful. I’ll have suppers
up their every evening, and do songs
and dances until reveille, if 1 have to
hypothecate to pay my commissary
bill, and if my health breaks down.
You watch!” He stood up and began
to button his blouse. "So you are
warned. If the Collinses move in,such
is my devotion to them that I’ll move
in. too. And I’ll put in my formal ap
plication for those two rooms. No
other two in the post will suit, either,
you understand.”
And it all came about exactly as
said. There was a hegira of Law
rences and an ingress of Collinses,
and great was the latter’s wrath when
they found Drayton taking possession
of the upper floor. They protested to
everybody in general, and to the com
mandant and the quartermaster ip.
particular. And the commandant and
the quartermaster said they were
sorry, but that Drayton was certainly
within his rights. Ho had applied for
the quarters in virtue of the general
turning-out that D troop was causing
ing the post, and he was entitled to
occupy them. There was nothing mcro
to be said.
“I can’t pretend to be sorry forthem,
exactly,” Mrs. Lawrence confided to
Drayton, when he advised her not to
try to settle in her new quarters very
elaborately; “I’m only human, after
all, and my house did look so sweet,
and my garden—. But I’m sorry for
you. I think those children are the
very imps of evil.”
Drayton nodded. “There are others/'
he said.
It was emigmatical, but Mrs. Law
rence looked doubtful and ready to be
hurt. “You don’t mean mine?” she
said.
“No, my dear lady,” Bartlett reas
sured her, “he doesn’t mean yours.
He thinks yours are all that tender
infancy should be. I don’t know what
he does mean, however. And prob
ably he doesn’t know himself.”
“Don’t I?” queried Drayton, enigmat
ical still. "Don't I just?”
“Perhaps,” said Bartlett, “you mean
Jimmy O'Brien. I saw you hobnob
bing with him today. Would it be
Jimmy now?”
Drayton would not commit him
self. But is was Jimmy and one other,
nevertheless. Drayton had come upon
him when he was playing duck-on-a
roclt all by himself, near the sutler’s
store. The duck was a beer bottle, and
Jimmy was pitching stones at it, with
indifferent aim. The father of Jimmy
was first-sergeant of Drayton’s troop,
and so the lieutenant felt they had
enough in common to warrant a con
versation.
It began by a suggestion as to a
better way to throw a stone, and it
ended with a bargain struck. “Then,”
said Drayton, “if I promise to pay you
two bits for every centipede, four bits
for every tarantula, ten cents for every
lizard, a nickel for every toad and a
cent for every big spider, you wiiM
catch all you can and bottle them for '
me?”
Jimmy nodded solemnly.
“And you won't say anything about
it to any one? ' A quarter was pressed
into a chapped and grimy hand.
•The very next morning before guard
mounting. ne clambered up the stair
way to Drayton's rooms. Drayton was
only just dressing. He had kept late
hours. Bartlett had helped him. and
until 2 o’clock they had alternated
pacing heavily to and fro with drop
ping weighty bodies on the floor
The Collinses were kept awake.
“It's a question of endurance, be
cause we are two," said Drayton; “out
I expect we can hold out.’’
He inspected Jimmy's first catch.
THE WEEKLY NEWS, CATVTERSVILLE, OA.
There was a -centipede, two lizards and
throe toads. Jimmy’s pockets bulged
with bottler There were also five
large and unpleasant spiders.
“Good hoy." said Drayton, and paid
as per schedule.
■Mrs. Colline and the mother-in-law’s
ner\es vwie not earned. auy way, by
the wakeful night, it was the harder
for them when they found thlarge
toads in their rooms that day. To
have a toad hop at. you from a dark
corner is not nice. It is still less to
step on one and crush it. It gives a
peculiar sensation. Mrs. Ccllihs found
it so. There was a lizard in the milk
bottle, and another on the hack of a
chair, whence it c limbed into a moth
er-in-law’s hair. Big spiders infested
the place.
Toward noon Drayton came down
stairs carrying on the end of a pin,
and examining it critically, a centi
pede. “Large, isn’t it?” he asked, with
some pride; “I killed it myself at the
topof the stairs. They always come
in families of three. The other two
will be along pretty soon, I suppose.”
The mother-in-law shuddered. “You
and Mr. Bartlett made a great deal of
noise last night, Mr. Drayton,” she re
proached.
Drayton looked concerned. These
government quarters were so thin
floored, lie explained.
“Did he always stay up until 2
o'clock?”
He admitted being of a restless dis
position and given to insomnia.
“All right,” he reported to Mrs.
Lawrence, shortly after. “You just
rest ou your oars. We'll have you
back in those quarters before the kids
have had time to do much damage
to the place. I should say that a fort
night, at the very outside, should see
Mrs. Collins suing for another set —
any other old set. Bartlett will let her
have them. He’s an exceptionally
obliging Q. M„ as Q. Ms. go. That’s
his reputation.”
It did not run as smothly as Drayton
might have wished. The women of
the Collins family did not surrender
without giving fight. They attacked
Drayton himself first, but were, met
with an urbanity which parried every
thrust. It was the thinness of the
walls and floors, and that was mani
festly the government’s fault, As for
his insomnia, the blame of that lay
with the doctor, he should think. He
did not like staying broad awake un
til nearly dawn any better than they
did. Of course, however, he would try
to control his restlessness. The at
tempt, met with failure, though, and
the women appealed to the command
ant. The commandant was urbane,
too, but the insomnia of his officers
was evidently not a matter to be
reached officially.
It was plain that the insomnia
aroused the supicions of the Collinses.
But the insects did not. They had
never —not even in Texas —seen a
house so overrun with reptiles. There
were lizards in everything. There were
frogs and toads in dark nooks. They
hopped into your lap when you were
least expecting it. They were always
getting under your feet and—squash
ing. Spiders spun webs and dropped
from the ceiling and the walls. And
as for more venomous things! A day
hardly passed that Drayton did not
kill a tarantula or a centipede some
where around. They seemed to
emerge only when he was near. The
wrath toward him v. r as tempered w T ith
unwilling gratitude to a saviour. There
had also been a garter snake on the
front porch. And one terrible day
they had come upon Drayton, sabre in
hand, standing in the front hallway
beside the decapitated body of a rattle
snake. They neglected, in the excite
ment, to notice that the body was rot
wriggling.
Jimmy had that morning produced a
newspaper package. “Here’s a dead
rattler,” he had said. “I didn’t know
as you could use him. But I found
him, and you can have him for a
dime.”
And the rattler had proved the best
investment of all, as well as the last
straw. Captain Collins had carried
him on a stick out into the road. Then
he had gone to the commandant and
Bartlett. He was heavy-eyed for
want of sleep. The whole family was
that way; and Drayton was, too. In
all humanity he asked the favor of be
ing allowed to change has quarters.
Any other quarters would do, provided
there were fewer insects. He was not
particular at all. He asked so little,
in fact, that Bartlett took pity on
him. He renewed his offer of paint.
“Now,” he said to Mrs. Lawrence,
“you can come back to your own.
They’ll move out tomorrow. I’ve just
been Inspecting the premises, and
there hasn’t been much harm done.
They are still the best quarters in the
post. The kids have knocked a few
holes in the walls and the woodwork s
a little scratched. But I’ll give you
some paint, too.”
Paint was Bartlett’s idea of the
panacea for all earthly ills. He had
not much else in the world, being a
second-lieutenant; but he had paint,
and he was liberal with that.
The Collinses moved next day.
Drayton waited until the last load or
furnitui'e was gone, and the three
women were taking their final look
around. Then he came down the stairs
holding out, at the length of his arms,
two centipedes on the point of two
large pins. He exhibited them.
“These quarters are too much for
me,” he said, “I’d rather have a corner
of a housetop alone, than a wide up
per floor with crawling things. I’m
going to go back to my own room.”
A fierce light of suspicion broke in
on Mrs. Collins’ mind then. "I be
lieve. Mr. Drayton, that the whola
thing was a put-up job,”
“Do you? I)o you really?” asked
Drayton. smilingly, deprecatingly.
“But consider, my dear lady, consider
the centipedes." —San Francisco Argo
naut.
BF
Tin* Khljlc**.
The EmpYess Dowager cf Russia is
said to be the owner of the finest col
lection of Russian sables in the world.
One of her cloaks has a lining worth
J 50.000. and was made of skins gath
ered by the governor of a polar prov
ince where taxes are paid in furs.
The Boa of Sum in r.
Every other well dressed woman
sports a boa of pale gray ostrich feath
ers these balmy days, but almost as
pretty and soft and more becoming to
some wearers is th? ooa of cream white
faille, bordered by a niching of black
silk loops, and strands of silk cord
and jet falling in front in a sort of
airy lattice work.
The U of Ti AT ta.
Black taffeta silk, flounced, corded,
hemstitched, tucked or plaited, is worn
by most well dressed women in every
possible style and conformation. The
fancy taffeta waists are perhaps the
most popular garments made from
this fabric. These are shown in an
extensive variety of designs ranging
in price from the cheapest to most
expensive creations. Taffeta skirts
are worn with these separate waists.
They are tucked or flounced and made
quite long, producing a decidedly styl
ish appearance. One model has three
narrow circular flounces trimmed with
black velvet ribbon, which is very
rich. Then there are the fancy bole
ros made to match the skirt and worn
over a blouse of contrasting color.
A Notable scotch Woman,
Lady Grizelle Cochrane, a notable
society beauty, is the daughter of a
wealthy Scotch peer, and among her
intimate friends she is called Annie
Laurie. This is because of her strik
ing resemblance to the beauty immor
talized in the old love song, a resem
blance that cannot only be traced
through the words of Douglas of Fing
land’s famous verses, but also by the
portrayal of the fair Annie that hangs
:in Maxwelton house. It Is said, fur
! iher, by those who find the likeness
j roost convincing that Lady Grizelle’s
family is also connected with the Fer
gerson house, into which Annie was
married, and thus the striking like
ness is accounted lor by inheritance.
With her long white throat, masses of
dusky brown hair, radiant complex
ion, hazel eyes and exquisite slender
figure this charming young woman has
easily inspired the modern Scotch po
! ets with a theme for verses, and the
! poems that have been written in her
honor and the songs that have been
| sung in her name have already made
; her almost as well known as the true
| Annie Laurie. Like the Duchess of Mont
rose and Sutherland, the Ltfdy Griz
-1 elle is a very patriotic Scotch woman.
| She wears none but the simple wild
j flowers of her native moors and fields,
and she can speak the broadest and. to
| American ears, the most incomprehen
sible Scotch brogue, or if she likes
pure Gaelic to the Highlanders, and it
is said further that she is o'jte o'f the
few women of the north country who
can play the pipes as well as any man.
It is being whispered about that the
fair Lady Grizelle is being wooed by
a stalwart Yankee, and hence another
earls daughter may follow theexa.mple
l of Lady Sybil Cuffe, daughter of Lord
Harewood, who recently married Mr.
Cutting of New York City.
Minor Tiling* Thai ( nvnt.
I A pair of run down heels, rubbed
boot toes or shoestrings that have
| been broken and tied again and again
j give a rather correct hint of the wear
' er’s title to self respect.
The heels may be straightened for
a few pennies, the strings cost a dime
and shoe polish is not costly. To be
neat is more admirable than to be
handsome and slovenly.
| Soiled white stocks, ebonlzed gloves,
white belts, finger marked white eveu
, ing bodies, are made as good as new
by a thorough sponging or dipped into
clear gasoline.
To reek of perfume Is vulgar. Per
spiration is not hidden, but Jntensi
fied by trying to disguise it with heavy
! odors. Women will be blessed in
knowing that common baking soda
will entirely remove the odor of per
spiration; therefore, wash your dress
shields every week.
A suggestion of some delicate odor
is exquisitely feminine. Let it be but
a suggestion Bernhardt, and most
French women, put just a drop upon
their ear tips. The Russian grande
dame scents her hair. Too many
American women douse perfume all
over them.
Veils should be rolled upon a veil
pa l. A shabby, torn veil Is a forlorn
thing and will make even a beauty
look a guy. After 40 white veils are
ridiculous; before 20 black ones are
correspondingly so. A veil, like
gloves, should he above criticism.
Tawdry (lowers, worn by no matter
whom, give the wearer a theatrical
commonplace appearance. With a
tailor made gown gay flowers or nod
ding plumes are in bad taste. A beau
tifully tied bow of heavy silk or panne
velvet upon a straw hat is more chic,
keeps its style and can be cleaned.
Chatelaines, gorgeous lorgnette
chains, diamonds and jeweled bar
ett?s are worn while shopping, but
never by women of great social dis
tinction. who would as soon wear a
bicycle costume to church. Tis the
little things that show whether or not
the woman is a gentlewoman.—Phila
delphia Record.
Queen M*<l • * hlr.
Three grand dr.mis lave furnished
the cue ala inode lor the last hail!
century, or since 1860. Qu. en Alexan
dra, Mine, do Mott:nil h .raid Sarah
Bernhardt are the trio. The quran is
u positive beauty, but the other twa
arc pot.n.s and only of negative good
looks. In fact Mmc. de Mctt/rnich,
whose influence upon the fashions has
been perhaps the strongest, is posi
tively homely, few women being more
so: her ugliness is unique, but ren
dered fascinating by a cretain charm
of manner.
It was Queen Alexandra—then the
Princess Wales —who made black
very chic; before her time it was dedi
cated to th? bourgeolse. The wearing
of this dismal hue belongs only to
modern times; who ever heard of a
Greek, or an Oriental, or an Egyptian
in black. The only woman who can
wear black to advantage Is the one
who has black eyes, black hair and is
fat, is tli? dictum of the disciples of
Edmund Russell.
The young Queen of Holland is
making white the fashionable color for
gowns throughout aristocratic circles
in Holland. She has always preferred
white, and her trousseaus contain
white dresses of every kind of ma
terial-silk, velvet, wool—both foi
morning and evening wear. On the
morning of her marriage Queen \V:I
- appeared at breakfa.:'. with
l ev mothe. - in a lovely gown of white
tlovii, embroidered in white '>>ol. Her
\ edding gown was cloth of silver, and
very magnificent was the white velvet
dress she wore when making h?r pub
lic entry into Amsterdam. It was
trimmed with sable, with an ermine
mantle.
Because she embroideed a tunic so
beautifully for the viceroy, the pres
ent Dowager Empress of China was al
lowed to learn to read. She was a
slave and 12 years old, when she ex
ecuted this really wonderful piece of
work, and when asked to name her re
ward she said there was nothing which
would suit her better than to learn to
read.
There is no such thing as low neck
and short sleeves in China. When
western women visit China two feat
ures of their dress are a great shock
to the Oriental woman —the decollette
of the evening bodice, and the fact
that no trousers are worn. If bloom
ers or knickerbockers were worn, cov
ering the leg to the ankle Chinese
women would regard them a vast im
provement on the present style of west
ern dress.
Such a hue and cry is raised about
the extravagance of women of the
present day, but it is nothing com
pared to that of centuries ago. Marie
de Medici had a gown embroidered
with 32,000 pearls and 300 diamonds,
and Mme. de Montespan wore at a
court festival “a gown of gold on gold,
and over that gold frieze stitched with
a certain gold which makes the most
divine stuff that has ever been imag
ined.”
Even in ancient times extravagance
in dress was not uncommon. Sarah,
pieces of silver for a veil —to be sure,
the silver was a gift, and for that
purpose, that she might buy a cover
ing suitable to a person of her rank.
Sarah doubtless wore this valuable gift
as a symbol of modesty. Hermione,
daughter of Helen, when she leai I ad
that her mother had been carried off
by Paris, tore in pieces her veil that
was interwoven with gold. All Grecian
ladies wore muslin veils interwoven
with gold thread, while servants were
not allowed anything but plaiii ones.
In Lacedemonia married women only
are allowed the privilege of wearing
veils. Young women ought to show
themselves, said Charcian, in order
that they rnlgnt get husbands, and the
married women should go veil :d, to
keep theirs. —Chicago Record-Herald.
Sleeves continue to be elaborate.
Linen gowns will be much in evi
dence this summer.
The newest ferrets are of iron. Oxy
dized silver is also used for these
fanciful ornaments.
Raised ribbon floral embroidery on
chiffon or lace ground is a London
fancy, also ribbon embroidery on net.
Rope braid is used to a considerable
extent for millinery purposes and ap
pears in the form of bows, with many
loops, on lace, chiffon, net and tulle
toques.
White English serge gowns, lined
with white taffeta and strapped with
soft, lusterless white cloth resembling
suede kid. are expected to be much
worn this summer.
For outdoor wear shoes of gray or
white chamois will continue to be
fashionable. The new models show
large, square hows, held in place by
buckles just below the instep, over
which rises a shaped flap or tongue.
A stylish black taffeta gown, with
the regulation flare to the skirt, has at
intervals running the full length of it
box plaits of cloth. The Eton jacket
of silk is finished in the same way.
The result is particularly stylish and
pretty.
Many of the prettiest new summer
waists are made with elbow sleeves
and finished with a twist and little
bow of velvet or taffeta. When the
waist is trimmed with bands of lace
insertion velvet ribbon is run through
the lace with pretty effect.
Very chic is an ecru straw hat. the
brim turned up, continental fashion
A black velvet ribbon bow is tied
around the crown. At the left side
stands a big pink rose, its leaves trail
ing over the brim onto the hair, where
they loin a soft rosette of liberty satin
in a delicate turquoise.
DEFICIT EDUCATION.
I’m really sorry for the man
Who's bred te idleness,
lie passes illlul'gp life’s litlle span
A pietmv of distress.
Alas, lie may not even know
Whnt joy it is 1" shirk,
lie is indeed ■; . nj: of woe
Who hasn't learned to work.
But sadder i* the busy one
Who hurries through tins life
And never steps to think of fun
Amid the bustling strife.
He is the mournfuilest of men—•
You see him every day—
M ho feels like loafing now and then,
Hut doesn't know the wity.
. —Washington Slafc
HUMOROUS.
Riter —Hav? you re a 1 my lwt
poem? Reeder 1 hope so.
The Photographer—But this picture
doesn’t look like her. Astute Assist
ant —Of course, not; but. it looks liko
she thinks she looks.
Wigg—Young Gotrox is an imbecile.
He hasn’t even horse sense, Wagg—•
lie doesn't need horse sense. He
rides in an automobile.
“Some people say,” remarked the
talkative barber, “that barbers are
too fond of conversation. ’ “O! that’s
all wrong,” replied tin man in the
chair; “it’s soliloquy they’re fond cf.”
“What does the teacher say when
you don't know your lessons?” asked
Willie's father. "She rnyc 1 must be
a chip of the old blockhead,'’ replied
Willie. And then something hap
pened.
"I know all the tricks cf the trade,”
declared the loud mouthed lodger.
“You don't suppose I've been hoard
ing 20 years for nothing “ “No,” said
the landlady icily. “Pm positive you
haven't,”
“For a man who doesnt work,” said
the housekeeper, “ybu have a pretty
good appetite.” “Yes, ma’am,” replied
Hungry Higgins; “dat’s why 1 don't
work, if I did. dey wouldn’ be no sat
isfyin’ me.”
Smith —I suppose v on are one of
those who claim the world owes you
a living. Laziman—Yes; and the
trouble is collections are bad. TVs
as much as I can do to scrape together
a bare existence.
Two bulls Were oni • in love wilh
the same heifer. In the midst of
their dispute a man was seen ap
proaching. Aha!” exclaimed the
heifer, who played no favorites.
“Here is a way out of the difficulty.
You may toss up for me” Thus ia
feminine wit always equal to an
emergency.
“I was getting measured for a suit
of clothes this mawning,” said young
Mr. Sissy to his pretty cousin; “and
just for a joke, y’ know i awsked Sni
pe n if it weally took rone tailors to
make a man. He said it would lake
more than nine tailors I>> make a man
of some people. I thought it was
quite clevah."
“You are the sunshine of my life !”
be exclaimed. She smiled encourag
ingly. “You reign in my heart alone!”
he continued. She frowned. “I could
not wed a man who mixed his meta
phors like a weather prognosticator, 1 *
she said, haughtily. He realized at
once that his case was hopeless, and,
putting on his mackintosh, he stag*
gered out into the moonlight.
NO MORE BIG CITIES-
Improved Kapid Trail'd* Will Be Iho
Municipal Solvont.
In an effort to pictnrr f fie future of
great cities as afflicted by the devel
opment of rapid transit. Mr. H. G.
Wells contributes to th< London Fort
nightly Review a fiiw mating article
on the England of 200 A D. It is the
second of a series of serious scientiflo
anticipations, the first of which placed
the speed of railway journeys for
the near future at 100 mile or more
an hour, and of omnibuses, cabs, etc.,
at 30 miles or more.
Mr. Wells believes nut tbe influ
ence of this rapid transit will be not
to condense population, but to spread
it out all over the lan l Huge towns
and cities will all but disappear, and
the inhabitants will oelako themseves
to the country again. Hitherto the
great cities have been confined, he
points out, within a radius of about
eight miles from the centre; horse
traction and bad trail services have
compelled it. Socn rh< 'idius will be
30 miles.
“And is It too much asks Mr.
Wells, “not expect that the available
area for even tne commor ihrily toilers
of the great city of tb- year 2000 will
have a radius very much larger than
that? Now, a circle w .;i a radius of
30 miles gives an an a of o\ r 2800
square miles, which is aunost a quarter
that of Belgium.”
The social equivalent the season
ticket holder, will, he suggests, have
an available area with r radius of over
100 miles, or almost th* size of Ire
land. “Indeed, it is not too much to
say that the London ulizen of the
year 2000 A. D. may Inwe a choice of
nearly all England and Wales south
of Nottingham and ea?-. of Exeter as
his suburb, and that tic vast stretch
of country from Washington to Al
bany will be all available tc the active
citizen of New York and Philadelphia
before that date.”
Mr. Wells’ picture is ruieed delight
ful. He giv-s Englishm*-! a London
city of a sort, a Lam as!...
city, and a Scotch >M-,. consisting
chiefly of business ps ?-■ •s, while tbe
whole of Great Britain will be dotted
over with houses ,< n different from
the modern "villa" • fi in its spa
cious garden. It w I in much lisa
monotonous, Mr. V> ays. Thera
will be more life and more character,
and each district will t row in its own
particular way. The postefflee will de
liver nearly everything that ewif
household wants.