About The Fayetteville news. (Fayetteville, Ga.) 18??-???? | View Entire Issue (Jan. 18, 1889)
BUDGET OF FUN. HUMOROUS SKETCHES FROM VARIOUS SOURCES. I Titled Hubby—Under Certain Con ditions—A Drop ol Dewy Sar casm— Tonsorlal—Dines of Care, Etc., Eto. Miss Maud would marry a title So she went far over the sea; "While there she married a baron, And a baron indeed was ha For barren he wns of money, And of lands most barren was he; His title, too, it was barren— But spelt it with a double-r-e. —Boston Transcript. Under Certain Conditions. Miss Wideawake (to young agricultu rist)— “I fancy. Mr. Sidehill, that you are very fond of husbandry?” Mr. Sidehill (with an unutterable ex pression)— “Is’posc I would “Oh, yes, Indeed—that is, I think they will—er of courso you know they ought to wash, they’re high enough—I wouldn’t like to say though they would wash if they won’t wash but er- m—oh.” Employer (emphatically)—“You may say to tho young lady, Mr. Spindle, that the goods will wash.” Mr. Spindlo (relieved)—“Yes, Miss Withers, tho goods will wash.”—Epoch. A .Toko on a Postal Clerk. A short time ago an order was re ceived at the postofhee from Washington to return uncalled-for postal cards to tho writer in the same way that letters have been sent back. The clerk who was assiguod to this task turned over each card, read the writer’s name, and put it after tho words “Return to,” on the face of the card. The distributing clerk was astonished to find several of the cards indorsed with directions liko these: “Return to Father,” “Return to Silas,” “Return to Your Ownest Own,” etc. New, whenever the clerk makes _ _ k e jjj sg his appearance in tho oilice he is greeted Wid awake, if I could find the right ; "with cries of “Return to mamma.”— kind of a gal."—Billings. Albany (N. Y.) Journal. A Drop of Dewy Sarcasm. (Ella and Mr. Nevergo arc alone in the conservatory. Time, ll i\ m). Voice of Mother—“What are you doing there, Ella.” Ella—“Picking morning glories, mamma."— Tims. A Story of Abe Iilncoln. Stories of Abe Lincoln always pass as coin cveryhere, and it is not too late for one told by his son to a friend in Wash ington. “My father,” said Robert Lin coln, “liked to stroll about Washington without any escort or show of dis tinction, and he sometimes strayed into j curious company. One day. us a lad, I “Well, I don’t know," doubtfully re plied tho Colbnel. “A lively Interest has been awakened in the Massachusetts,” the parson went on to say. “Tho Lord has blessed the labors of His servants, and ten have already been baptized.” “Is that so?” excitedly cried the Colonel, and then turning to the attend ant, added; “Sergeant-Major, have fif teen men detailed immediately for bap tism; I’ll be blanked if I’ll bo outdone by any Massachusetts regiment.”—Few York Tribuns. Tonsorlal. Hollis Hoi worthy— “ Why don’t you accompanied him down a back street, shave, Jack? You need to badly.” I "'. here wc encountered a regiment of sol- Jack Goeasv. >82—“ ’Fraid of cutting dlers mar <* 1D ff P ast - My /atlior was myself if I do"” curious to learn what particular body of Hollis Holworthy—“Your friends will I tr ?°P 8 thjs was, and as soon as lie came cut you if you don’t. ”—liar card Lampoon. ! within hailing distance lie inquired, r j without addressing anybody in particu- Dlnes of Care. Winks—“What a sad, anxious face that man has.” Jinks—“Yes, I noticed it. He has a strained, haunted, afraid-I-won’t-catch the-train expression. I guess he works in the city and lives in the suburbs.”— Philadelphia Record. The Forco of Example. Young Mamma—“Children, why are you nodding and smiling at all the policemen we pass ?” Children (who are in the habit of tak ing their morning walks with the nurse- lar, ‘Well, what’s this?’ Quick as the word came a reply from somewhere in the detachment, ‘Why, it’s a regiment of soldiers,you old fool, you 1’ ”—Buffalo Exp) ess. Confused by the Darkness. Little Pat was in the habit of falling out of bed during the night, and his father, to break him of the habit, would remind him of it next morning. One day, as usual, his father said to him: “Here, Pat, you fell out of bed again ” . e “Oh, no, papa,” said Pat, “it was the 1 with almost the accuracy of pillow, fori went up to see, and the ! ordinary express train; Around tho World in Seventy Dnys. A Sun reporter nsked Mr. George Ende, manager for Thomas Cook & t-’on, the tourist agents, the exact time in which a passenger can go around tho world. After a few moments of thought and study of guide books -Mr. Fade said: “in these days of rapid trunsit with vestibule trains and fast ocean steam ships it is possible to make a circulation so close that a person, in Few Y’ork say, can decide the very day on which he will return to the city, having completed the tour around the world. I should work it out like this: “Leaving New 1 ork at 9.50 a. sr. on Monday, November l)i, he would arrive at Chicago at i’.OO a. m. Tuesday. Leav ing Chicago the same day he would ar rive at San Francisco at 10.45 a. m. Sat urday, the l , th. On the same day the Oceanic Company's steamship leaves for Sydney at 2 l*. ,\t., and the steamship is due to arrive at Sydney on December 12. l eaving Sydney the same day by train at 5.15 a. xr. he would arrive at Mel bourne at 11.1(5 a. m. on the following day, December 13. After resting in Melbourne for a day our traveler would leave by tlic Peninsular u: Oriental Steam ship Company's steamship on the 14th for Brindisi, calling en route at Ceylon, then crossing the 1 ed Sea to Port Said, after which the steamship goes through the Suez Canal direct to Brindisi, arriv ing there on January 20. The train Is then taken for London which is reachcy in three days, and on the following day (the 24th) he would leave London b North German Lloyd steamship and reach New York on February 1. “It is a well-established fact that first class ocean steamships make their voy- THE BEST RIDERS.! ^ _____ i j uoto _ consequently maid)—“Oh, because Mary always does, -pillow was on the floor by tho side of there is no doubt the journey could be mamma.”—Cartoon. the bed” completed in the time indicated, namely, “What made you cry, then?" asked j eighty-one days. Its father I Supposing the journey is reversed, ' “Well, 'you see,” said Pat, in his most and our traveler goes east instead of sober manner, “it was dark, and l | west, the same ground can be covered couldn’t tell whether it was me or tho | . nlne days. , , pillow.”—Troy Tims. “faking again the route through Encroached on Pre-empted Ground. A little girl was sitting on the floor when the sun shone in her face. “Go ’way! go ’way 1” she cried, striking out at it. “You move, dear, and it won’t trouble you," said her mamma. “I s’ant; I dot here first,” said the little one.—Youth's Companion. Sterling Advice to a Poet. Keep your hair cut. China and Japan the voyage can be com pleted in even less time. We have not worked out the times of arrivals and de partures' iu detail, but may briefly sav it is a bad plan to copy one of Byron’s j that, allowing six days from New tork A Deft-Handed Compliment. Little Boy (to elder sister’s beau) — “Is that your Record:" Enamored Youth (taking the paper from his pocket)—“Yes, my dear boy; I bought it this morning.” shorter poems and sign your own name to it. Do not bo cast down because you re ceive $2,50 instead of $250 for your first effort. Don’t write poetry unless you are forced to do so, cither by hunger or by Little Boy (examining it)-“I don’t , the enthusiasm Jf , 0U r muse, sec any scales on it. Pop said your re- i cord was scaly.”—Philadelphia Record. If possible avoid rhyming with “pianoforte,” “frolic ’ with “cow- A Matter of Money. i lick .” or “Niagara” with “Tipperary.” A wealthy young widow said joking- | Never despise work that comes your ly to her new husband, as she pointed "^ay unsolicited. Writing advertisements to the safe in which her money was de- is a profitable vocation; they are sure to posited: be printed, and arc much more popular “Now you have captured the fort,and with the masses than odes, sonnets or me with- it, are you satisfied ?" j French forms. “Not entirely,” replied the new hus- ; If you have three sections to your band, who was something of a spend- name connect the last two by means of a thrift. “What else do you want?" to San Francisco, sixteen days thence to Y’okohama, six days from Yokohama to Hong Kong, where the Peninsular bo Oriental Company’s steamship can be taken for Brindisi, the voyage occupying thirty-two days; allowing three days from Brindisi to London, and seven days thence to New Y T ork, the whole voyage ‘castanet’ j round the world can be completed in ! seventy days. i “This, however, is simply the time occupied for travel; and of course, the traveler would have to make allowance for the making of connections.”—Neio York Sun. Anvils. Here is one peculiar little fact in re yard to the heavy hardware business,” hyphen, and cast the first to the winds said Mr. James M. Corbitt, Yice-Presi- if you wish to; but do not try to gain j dent of tho Beck & Corbitt Iron Co., in I want the terms of the capitulation admission to the Authors’ Club on the a recent conversation with a Republic carried out. I want you to turn over strength of this proceeding alone, the keys.”—Siftings. i Tuck. Emergency Prayers. representative, “which is deserving of mention. We issue a catalogue of 1000 pages, containing a list of every article of iron and heavy hardware which we manufacture or sell. Of the thousand therein enumerated there is only one His Preference. “Are you fond of dogs, Mr. Bliven,” | A story is told of a man in a near said a young woman as she caressed her county whose name we withhold. The , , . , pugs. ! gentleman in question is not a member * hat we hav ® lm P° rt ‘ everything else Billy was too polite to reply in the \ of the church, and, while honestand up- ; being manufactured best in this coun negative, so lie murmured: right in all his dealings, does not go tr y» and t, b- a * i oae article is an anvil. “Oh, certainly.” very strong on religion. Not many | Three or four manufacturing firms in “Do you admire pugs?” months ago, just after a big rain, he was ! England supply the entire world with “Well, no, not very much.” driving along a certain road. On reach- anvils, and one especially, m Dudley, “What kind do you like best?” ing the top of a hill—at the bottom of j England, whose goocl9 are the standard “I think,” said Billy, reliectiyely, “I j which was a creek much swollen by the m that line. And anvils also ate the like stuffed dogs better than most any ! rains and away out of its banks—his on ^y articles we handle which we do not othersort.”—Afer hunt Traveler. mules considered they would run away, guarantee. Blacksmiths ate so care ul .They pitched off dbwn the hill at a i as re g<V d8 'their auvfls, and there is such Too Personal. 1 furious pace. The man did all in his ! a peculiar temper necessary that we re- They were going to have company and power to check them, but in vain. Just j qu're them to test an anvil for them- Bhc was suggesting the menu. j belore they reached the gushing water ! selves, or when we receive an order by “Wc can have oysters on tongue for the man shouted to his boy, who was in ! mail we ship the anviD without guaran- - the wagon with him: j teeing, and as a rule the-standard makes “We arc going to be drowned! Pray go through a«l1 right. Why it is that Jim, pray!” <!«. « “Dad, I can't pray.” “Saysomething!” he shrieked, as they dashed into the water. “Oh, dad, I can’t .” But thinking a second, the boy shouted: “Lord, make he rc- one course,” she observed. “I never heard of such a dish, marked. “Didn’t you? Tt’s a very good one all the same,” she said. “I suppose if I get the oysters you can furnish the tongue?” he inquired inno cently. Then he wondered why she slammed j us thankful for what we are about to re the door so viciously.—Detroit Free \ ceivc 1” Press. A Dnde's Frank Confession. Then they went down into the creek, which was not as deep as the man had expected, and the mules, having had Miss Gusher (from the West, with in- j their fun out, went on at a more leisurely tensity)—“I often wonder, Mr. Van gait. The man has since learned a Twiller, when you are looking into space i number of prayers for sudden emer- with that far-away, abstracted look in 1 ”—— < ri.. ■ your eyes, as if your soul were far dis tant from your surroundings, what you are thinking of i ’ Mr. Van Rensselaer Van Twiller (slowly and meditatively)— “Well, I don’t mind telling you.” Miss Gusher (with deep emotion and a supplicating upward roll of tho eyes)— “Do tell me!’ Mr. Van Renssalaer Van Twiller—“To be frank with you, I am usually thinking ■what to say next.”—New York Sun. Afraid of Them Both. Young l^jly (in dry goods store)— “These goods will wash, of course, Mr. Spindle? ’ Mr. Spindle (who is devotedly fond of young lady, while at the same time in easy hearing d'stance of his employer)— gencies. — Greenboro (Ga.) Record. Phil Sheridan’s Favorite Yarn. Another story which General Sheridan was fond of telling at the dinner table, after the coffee had been served and the ladies had retired, went something like this, I am told: There was a zealous chaplain of the Army of the Potomac, who had called on a Colonel, noted for his profanity, to talk of the religious interests of his men. After having been politely motioned to a uea( on the chest, the chaplain began: “Colonel,” you have one of the finest regiments in the armv.” “I believe so,” said the Colonel in re- ply. “Do you think,” pursued the chap lain, “that you pay sufficient attention to the religious instruction of your men?” this country does not manufacture an anvil equal to the English ones I do not know, but the fact is that they do not, and hence that one article has to be bought from the English manufacturers. St. Louis Republic. A Goldbeater’s Marvelous Skill. It is said that a single Cincinnati establishment each year bpat out 21,000 gold dollars into gold leaf, and as each dollar can be made into a sheet that will carpet two rooms sixteen and a half feet square, some idea may be formed of its extreme tenuity. It requires 1400 thick nesses of gold leaf to equal a sheet of thin paper, and 280,000 to form an inch. The metal, which must be twenty-three carats fine, is first run into bars one inch wide and about seven inches long, and then rolled to the thickness of letter paper. It is then cut into inch squares, 200 of which are interleaved wuth four- inch squares of parchment ana beaten by hand with heavy hammers\upon a solid block till they spread to th^parch- ment’s dimensions. Then they are sub divided and again beaten out, and the process goes on and on, till the Hiit is reached, when the moulds pass jMo the hands of girl sorters and count®, who trim each sheet to the siz.e of iff inches, and lay them between tissue paper in the “books” of commerce Commercial Advertiser. An Old Cavalryman Says They are the Mexicans. He Also Tells How to Sit on a Horse Properly. "The best riders ia tho world," said an old cavalryman, who was giving a greenhorn some points on equestrian ism, “are the Mexicans. Buffalo Bill's cowboys are splendid riders, but the Mexicans are bettor still. And their superiority is in part due to the kind of saddle they use. That low English saddle you’ve got there,” ho continued, “I couldn't rido in. It isn’t fit for a man to ride in. Now, tho great beauty of the Mexican saddle is that a man sit ting in it has his logs almost straight down beside tho horse, like a clothes pin. A Mexican on horseback keeps his heels and shoulders nearly in line, his feet planted firmly ia his stirrups underneath him and pointing straight ahoad, parallel with the horse. Our McClellan saddlo would bo as good as tho Mexican saddje if it only had the stirrups placed a couple of inches further back. As it is, a man riding in a McClellan saddlo has to bend his log at tho knee ia tho English stylo. Now, with tho knee bent it is almost impos sible to keep your feet poiotod straight ahead. “This position of the leet," tho im promptu riding-master continued, after pausing a moment to allow his casual pupil to absorb what ho had alroady said, “is a very important thing in learning to rido properly. In fact, it is tho thing. And yet nine-tenths of the riders you seo about tho street and country roads every day have their toes turned at an angle of 45 degrees from tho sides of tho horso. As a conse quence, these riders can’t have a firm seat, and don’t onjoy the exercise half as much as they would if they rode properly.” “How is it the way tho toes point has so much to do with good riding?’’ a Star roportor who happened to bo on hand inquired. “To sit firmly on a horse and at the samo timo to have tho body erect and free to givo with tho horse’s motion,” tho cavalryman said, “you must grip the animal’s sides" with your knees. Not with tho calves of tho legs, mind, nor with the thighs, but with the knees alono. Now, if you don’t keep your toos pointing straight ahead, or nearly so, it is impossible to got this grip with the knees. Turn yOur toes out and you will find atoncothai you grip tho horse with the calves of your logs and that your body is thrown forward from the hips instead of bung erect. Experi ment a little when you get on your horse and you’ll see it works just as I say. But if you koop your foot straight, hold tight with your knees and sit erect, you will find you can accommodate yourself to tho motions of tho horse moro readily and gracefully, your seat will be firmer and riding will not tire you near so quickly. If you will notice old cavalrymen whon they walk,” tho gontleman continued, “you will soo that instead of spread ing their feet apart they keep them parallel. This is tho rosult of their habit of riding, and it often makes them very ungraceful on their feet. Tho host and most graceful rider I knew was Gen. Ashby, who was killed during the war. I never saw any man who looked so handsome cn horseback. Off a horse, however, ho walked liko a duck and was so clumsy that ho couldn’t get into a parlor without fall, ing over all the furnituro in sight. A Mexican astride his high-curved saddlo with his legs hanging straight down rides as easily as if he were sitting m a rocking-chair, and at the same time it is almost impossible to unseat him. Ho is clothes-pinned on to tho horso, and the latter can’t get from under him. But a man riding on a fiat English sad dle with short stirrups, his legs bent at the knee and his toes turned out, has no chance whon his horso jumps sud denly. He is in a cramped position, and is almost sure to be thrown for ward on the horse's neck or over his head.—[Washington Star. A Phonographic Boll. Mr. Edison has, it is stated, devisod a doll with a small phonograph inside, which talks whon the handle is turned. The phonograph is placed on a recepta cle within the chest of tho doll and tho handlo protrudes. When it is turned the words appear to issue from tho doll’s mouth. Edison has also devised ;a clock which announces tho time by 'speaking, the talking apparatus being, ! of course, a phonograph. Intelligence of Toni There is ono characterise Prof. Vogt’s argumont whicl bear more favorably to his tit that the young ape, the oranj panzee, for example, is more il than the adi^lt. This, wo mi^ is because it is descended from intelligent ancestor than rocont^ But greater intelligence is a rule wit all young animals, as well, if wc take tho circumstances into account, os with man. Tho brain is at that poriod larg er in proportion to the body; it is in somo sonso virgin, moro impressiona ble; it grows excessively, and asks only to absorb, to work, to turn the blood it receives to account. What is more marvelous than tho way our children learn to talk, road, and write? Would we adults be capable of the amount of rapid memorizing which tho mass of words and ideas inculcated into them at that ago exacts? Young Australians are equal to Europeans in tho schools, and retain languages with extraordina ry facility; but, as ago comes on, their savage nature reappears, thoy take off their clothes, they join their liko again> and they manifest no moro intelligence thon if they had never been among tho whites. If at our age we appear so capacious, intellectually spoaking, it is because wo have been accumulating for many years; because wo reason in great part by habit, automatically; because we are incessantly excited by tho strug gle for existence, by tho soeioty of our like9, and by the use of language which apos do not possess. M. Vogt’s last argument, that the young ape is more humane than the adult ape, does not, therefore, convince me.—[Popular Science Monthly. Concrete-Filled Wells for Foundations. Tlio opinion has lately been oxpro3sed by Sir R. Rawlinson, the eminent archi tect, that the old Eastern plan of se miring foundations by forming deep wells and then filling them up with con crete has been too much neglected, for in this method security is afforded for the loftiest structure ia tho most diffi cult ground. Masses of concreto or of brick or stone work placed on a com-, prossiblo substratum, however crarnpec and bound, may provo unsafo, solidij from a considerable depth being alri reliable. Enlarging tho area of a or foundation by footings can boj sorted to, but mere enlargement ofa may not in itsel/ bo sufficient. A structure which is to stand secure have solidity sufficient to maintain! part in the position in which it isl placed. Again, a hoavy embank! or heavy pile of building frequently tuibs the surface ground at a distant of many yards, tho subsidence causingaj corresponding rise around on cither sido, as tho caso may be. According to Rawlinson, the depth of a foundation in compressible ground ought not to be less than one-fourth tho intended height above the ground; that is, for a shaft of 200 feet tho foundation should be made secuto by piling or by well sinking and concrete to a depth of 50 feet.— [Star Sayings. An Operatic Italian Collar Bigger. A gang of Italian laborers were dig ging up tho ground for the cellar of a new house in Harlem. At the noon hour they sat around munching their bread and sausage, and, when this was ended, one of them arose, and, in plaintive voice, began to sing. In a few moments tho eyo3 of his compan ions were fixed upon him as he pro ceeded with the melody. Ho was singing tho “Miserere’’ in Verdi’s operatic masterpiece, “II Trovatore!” He did justice, thon and there, on tho edge of the cellar, to that sublime and pathetic improvisation, and, when he reached the end, his fascinated com panions wore too much ovorcome to applaud. Before they resumed work another one of them raised his vdice, for a fow moments, in a bravura pas- sage from another opera, after which thoy seized the picks and shovels which they plied under the eye of the stern boss of the gang. — [New York Sun. ^ A Sixth Century Sarcophagus. At St. Mandrier, near Toulon, France, a sarcophagus has been discov ered with a silver plate on which are engraved tho words; “Sagittaveras Tu, Dominie, cor mourn caritate tua.” Above this inscription is also engraved a heart transpierced with two arrows, and there is a bishop knoeling and holding in either hand his miter and crozier. The tomb is supposed to be that of St Flavior, who, in 504, es tablished with his friend, Mandiier, a hermitage in tho peninsula, with whom ho was massacred by the Visigoths ia 512.
