Newspaper Page Text
mi .-a.
BUDGET OF FUN.
ncnonots sketches from
various soobcjss.
Turned. Into Real Estate—Horse
Rations for a Cavalryman—A
Likely Story—Oratorical
Fervor, Etc., Etc.
BaM Constable Bragg to Farmer Serngg:
•Tve come to seize your cow, sir;
The writ says ‘personal property,’
And what will you do now, siri”
8aidFarmer Scragg to Constable Bragg:
“I don’t scare at a shadow:
Ihe cow’s not personal property, sir—
I’ve turned her into a meadow.”
—Times.
Horse Rations for a Cavalryman.
“Ah, cavalier, how goes it?"
“First class, Major. I have the hunger
of a horse.’’
“You don’t say so. Here, orderly,
bring a box of oats for Cavalier Bris-
quard.”
A Idkely Story. '
Farmer—“What are you two boys
doing up in that pear tree?”
Johnny—“Tommy has taken a notion
to steal some pears.”
“And what are you doing up in the
tree?”
“I’m trying to talk him out of the no
tion. ”—Siftings.
Oratorical Fervor.
Wife (at a political meeting)—“ITow
impassioned the orator is, John ! Why
he is actually shedding tears, I believe.
I really think his words come from his
heart.”
Husband—“No, my dear, they come
from the stump.”— Epoch.
A Prodigious Bill.
Wife—“What a lovely little bonnet!
Who brought it up:”
Husband—“A small boy, my dear.”
Wife—“Did he bring the bill?"
Husband—•“Oh, no; I guess tbey’ll
send that up on a hand-cart. ”— Washing
ton Post.
The Baby Wouldn’t Bounce.
“Say, mi," remarked the small boy,
“isn’t it funny that everybody calls my
little brother a bouncing baby:’’
“Why do you think it is funny, Will
iam?" returned his mother.
“Because, when I dropped him on the
floor this morning, he didn’t bounce a
bit.”—Chicago Hews.
Had a Heart, of Stone.
Miss B.—“Why is it, Mr. Smith, that
you gentlemen always think so much
about your dinner?”
Mr. S. (jocularly)—“Well you know
they say a man’s heart is situated in his
•tomacb.”
“Which explains, I suppose, why some
men suffer so fearfully from dyspepsia.”
—Siftings.
Fully Equipped.
Hostess—“That young lady is a grad
uate of Vassar College, and I want to
introduce her .to some gentleman who
won’t be afraid of her, and knows how
to talk to her.”
Friend—“Get young IJe Dude over
there. He can talk on the different
brands of cigarettes by the hour. ’’—Hew
York Weekly.
hand. She is the new mother I prom*
wed to bring you.”
Aftor taking a square look at the new
mother, littlo Charlie said:
“Pa, you have been fooled. She ain’t
new at all!”—Siflings.
Brown Versus Jones.
“Mr. Brief, I want to sue Miss Jones
for breach of promise.”
“All right—but what was the prom
ise?”
“Well, you see, wo were off at a picnic
in August,and Emeline was mad because
her sister had had more proposals than
she, and she asked me if I wouldn’t help
her out. I said 1 would if she would re
ject mo: but, hang it sir, though she
promised hot to, she accepted me the
first chance she got.”- -Bazar.
Showed Them the Door.
The Rev. James Rainc, an archeologist,
who has just been appointed to a stall
at York Minster, was engaged one day
I in researches in the Minster library,
when two young officers of the garrison.
| on a sight-seeing expedition, lounged
• in. Mistaking him for a verger, they
: accosted him thus: “I say, old fellow,
i what have you got to show us';”
j They felt sorry, however, a moment
later, when the supposed verger thus re
plied: “Sir, to gentlemen we show the
i library; to others the door*”—Argonaut.
Fresh From the Minstrels.
It may not be believed, but a recent
minstrel troupe got off a fresh joke.
“Harry,” said the end man, “people)
arc very dissatisfied in this world.”
“They are, indeed,” answered the in
terlocutor.
“Yes, Harry, if a man has riches he
wants health,and if a man bus health he
yearns for wealth.”
“Yes, that’s the way it goes.”
“Now—now you take a fellow at sea
—awfully sick—you know—leaning over
the side of the steamer, and all that sort
of thing. Now, that man wants the
earth. ”—Detroit Free Press.
OPIUM SMUGGLERS.
Cunning Contrabandists Who
Infest Pacific Harbors.
A Financial Deal.
“Did you tell the manager wliat I
asked you to?” asked tlie burn-storming
actor, who hud struck hard luck of a
fellow sufferer.
“Yes. Everything.”
“Tell him 1 was tired of this thing?"
“Yes.”
“Tell him I was going to quit right
Jiciei”
“Yes. I cariied your entire message.
The manager says he doesn’t want you to
leave him,und he’ll raise your salary $40
a week if you’ll change your mind.”
“Go back and tell him that it he’ll
give me fifty cents of it in advance I’ll
stay. ”—Merchant Traveler.
Overdid tlie Thin*;.
“You have gone too far, John Smith.”
said Mrs. John Smith, tapping the par
lor floor. “You have treated me out
rageously.”
“What will you do?” sneered the
cautious husband.
“I shall tell mother as soon as she
comes home
The wretched man bowed his head in
his hands and murmured: “Got both
feet in this time.”— Hew York Sun.
Might Have Been Worse.
Wheu Jones was at the theatre the
other evening he sat down by mistake on
his neighbor’s hat, and reduced it to a
hopeless mass of silk and pasteboard.
The owner was madder than half a
dozen March hares.
“Well,” calmly observed the culprit,
“1 was awkward and no mistake I” But,
he added with self-complacent pity,
“when I think that it might have been
mine it makes mo fairly shudder.”—
Judge.
Not Very Much Frightened.
Escort (to Miss Penelope Waldo of
Boston, on the lawn) - “i.on’t be fright
ened, Miss Penelope, but there’s a big
green worm on your skirt.”
Miss Penelope—“Oh, don’t disturb it,
Mr. Wabash. I should like to take it
home with me. It belongs to tho species
known as the capillus capillary capil,
and is very rare in these parts. Dear
little fellow. 1 shall prize it so highly.
Would you mind, Mr. Wabash, puttiug
it in your hat?”— Hew York Sun.'
Would Not Give Themselves Away.
President (Debating Club) — “Well,
■we have had some stirring speeches on
the negative side of the question of the
evening, ‘is Marringe a Failure?’ but
none of the gentlemen appointed to
speak on tho atiirmativo side have re
sponded.”
Secretary (whispering) — “Their wives
are here.”
The President (loudly)—“Owing to
the lateness of the hour further debate
is postponed. Adjourned.—Philadelphia
JXtcord.
A Back Number.
A widower married a second time and
his choice was a wealthy lady about fifty
years of age. When tho bride and
bridegroom returned home from tho
wedding the husband, introducing the
wife to his children, said:
“My dear children, kiss this lady's
A Tell-Tale Beard. '
Now that cold weather is coning and
men commence to grow a winter beard
they ought not lo lose sight of the fact
that ofteu a new beard is stiff and brist
ly. The other evening two youug ladies
had a couple of gentlemen callers, but
just before going into the room the
eldest sister was suddenly taken with a
most severe toothache. What to do she
did not know, but, anxious to see the
young men, and rather than be excused
she bandaged her face with taw cotton
saturated in laudanum, and so made her
appearance. Before long she had occa
sion to go into another room with one of
the young men,and on their return were'
greeted with: “Why, Will, what is that
on your face?" And he,much confused,
took- the cotton from his beard.—Hew
York Graphic.
Respect for Superiors.
At the club the other day they were
recounting some remiuiscenecs of the
war, when an old general on the rotired
list of the army remarked:
“I will illustrate to yon the amount of
influence possessed by officers over men,
and the high state of discipline that pre
vailed during the first months of the
war, by the following incident that oc
curred at the battle of Bull Run. In the
heat of the action an officer, who has
since become prominent and well known
throughout the country, was then in
command of a brigade on tlie right of
j the line. While riding over tho field he
discovered a soldier concealed in a hole
in the ground, which was of just suffi
cient dimensions to afford him shelter.
The general rode up to him, inquired as
to his regiment, and ordered hint to join
it at once. The man looked him full in
tlie face, placed a thumb upon his nose,
and replied:
“Oh. no you don’t, old fellow! You
want, this hole yourself.’”
Supplying the Drowsy Drug for
Sixty Thousand Fiends.
A Joke On an JnRenuops Bride.
A pretty old minsttel joke is this one
about “Sawyer.” There is a town called
“Sawyer” and tho joke requires that
that there should be a railway tunnel
just outside tho town, which don’t hap
pen to be there, but a minstrel docs not
hesitate to construct a tunnel or a whole
railroad system if necessary. The talk
about marriage naturally brings up the
behavior of married couples on their
wedding tour.
‘•uh, I’ve been there,” says the end
man—“yes: well you know the town of
Sawyer:” Y’oq tlie interlocutor knew
it. "“Well, there was a couple on board
the train 1 was on. and when we went
into tho tunnel, lie kissed' her."
“How did you knuw that, if the tun
nel was dark?”
“Oh, she gave it ft way. When wo got
out the tunnel the brakemnn put his
head into the car, a id shouted;
“Sawyer 1”
“Don’t care if you did,” she said,
“we’remarried.”—Detroit Free Press.
There are sevoral factories in North
Carolina manufacturing pine needles
into useful material, one factory produces
daily 1500 pounds of pine-leaf hair and
curled pino straw, sold to furniture atjd
carriage manufacturers for stuffing
cushions, chairs, etc.* The fiber it also
converted into carpets and mattings.
There are in ‘ Chinatown,” San Fran-
ciso, about sixty thousand adult Chi
nese, among whom the use of opium, in
one form for another, is more or loss
prevalent. The Pacific coast Statos and
Territories, too, have a largo “floating
Chinese population who look to San
Francisco or their supply of the drug.
Tho duty on opium is very heavy, and
thi«, considering tho extraordinary de
mand for it, is calculated to keep tho
prico of the crude material at a high
figure. Hence it is that evory known
devicetis resorted to in order t.o smug
gle the drug into tho market. Opium
smuggling also is a dangerous opera
tion, as not only is it confiscated and
sold, but the smuggler is liable to
fine and imprisonment.
Tho fact that “informers” roceivo
one-half of the seizures mado, and that
the stuff always commands a cash price,
makes tho customs officials doubly on
the alert, and renders it necessary for
those who would risk being caught at
the operation to resort to ways and
moans of hiding tlie articlo away from
tho prying eyes of tho inspectors,
that ono would scarcely believo to be
possible.
Chinese immigrants sometimes smug
gle, or attempt to smuggle, opium, but
they are generally caught at it. The
Chinese merchants also try their hand
at it and are occasionally successful, but
tho most ingenious smuggling is thnt
resorted to by tho officers and crew of
the different Asiatic steamers plying
betwoou Sin Francisco and China.
I saw a Chinaman once, who had just
landed from a trip to Chino, being
searched by tho Inspectors, when one
of them thought he “smelt" opium.
Tho Chinaman was taken aside and
stripped, when it was found that his
body was smeared from head to foot
with cruio opium, of tho consistency ot
putty or tar.
Sometimes opium is hid in chests of
tea, in cans of “Chiaa” oil, spread out
in layers between silks, everywhere, in
fact, that it could be possibly stowed
away from sight Ofton it is thrown
overboard at night at a given signal
and picked up by boats. This is done
sometimes beforo the vessel ranches
port, and, thorofore, attending tho ar
rival of every China steamer, tho Cus
tom House peoplo have a boat patroll
ing the bay, and one constantly about
the steamer as she lies at tho wharf.
I have seen tho inspectors fish up
small tins of opium out of tho bilge
water of the ship; I havo scon them go
aloft and find opium secreted among
tho rigging, but tho “cutest" trick I
ever witnessed was where a sailor had
bored a large hole in the end of a spar,
stuffed the hole full of opium and thon
plugged it up.
This trick was discovered by an in
spector who went about knocking
everything with a hammer to seo if any
of tho ship's timbors were hollow.
A sort of confidcnco gams was once
quite popular among the’Frisco sharp
ers. They would approach somo
stranger, accompanied by a Chinaman,
and represent that tho Chinaman had
just landed and had several thousand
dollars’ worth of opium hid in the
ship. *
It was then represented that a couple
of hundred dollars would “ooo” the
customs inspector, and the stranger
was invited to bo somewhere near at
hand that ovening with an expross
wagon. Of course tho stranger was to
share in tho proceeds in consideration
of his putting up the $200. It is need
less to sny that ho never saw cither his
money or the alleged smugglers again
after that.
This sort of smuggling, howover, 19
not carriod on as extensively now as
formerly, for tho reason, as I havo
hoard it stated, that thoso Custom
House inspectors can smell opium a
block away.—[Now Y'ork Horald.
lie Got It.
She was after n passport.
“How old are you, madam?'’
‘‘A woman is only as old as she looks,
you kaow.”
“Put tho lady down as-fifty, Goorge.”
“You horrid-thingl I’m not fifty—
only thirty-four.”—[Bazar.
The Useful Peanut,
Tho peanut is a usolul product--
much moro so, indeed, than people
imagine. Wo all know how extensive
ly it is oaten in its roasted state, but
therein by no menns lies tho extent of
its value. Tho nut contain from 42 to
50 per cent, of a nearly colorless, bland,
fixed oil, resembling olive oil and used
for similar purposes. Tfio best is ob
tained by cold expression, but a large
quantity of inferior oil is procured by
heating tho seeds beforo pressing. It
is a non-drying oil, changing but slow
ly by exposuro to tho atmosphere, and
remaining fluid in cold several de
grees below 32 dogroos Fahrenheit. It
contains besides oleic and palmitic
acids, two othor oily aci Is, which have
boon called the arachic and liypc-
■ m’c, though it is doubtful if they aro
really distinct. Tho principal con
sumption of tho oil is in soap-making.
In 1883 Virginia bogan tho manufac
ture of peanut flour, tho result being
a peculiarly palatable biscuit, while
Georgia has long mado pastry of
pounded peanuts. Tho kernols roasted
are largely used in tho manufacture of
chocolate, while tho amando do torro,
ns has been shown, is used by the con
fectioners. It is also eaten as a fruit
and roasted for coffee. “The poor
man’s fruB," the peanut, is capable of
sustaining life-for a long time, owing to
its peculiarly rutritivo qualities, tho
negroes u.ingit alike in porridge, cus
tard or as a beverage. Nor does its
usolulness end here, for tho vines form
a splendid fodder, as good as clover
hay, while hogs will fatten on what
they find in the fields after the crop ha3
been gathered.
It is an easy crop to raise, tho de
mand for nuts has trebled within tho
past few years, and has never yet
equaled the demand. The quantity of
peanuts used in this country may be set
down at 3,000,000 bushels per annum,
and this seems a largo amount; hut as far
back as 1807 there were imported into
Marseilles alone from Africa moro than
16 000,000 bushels, vdued at $5,000,-
000. At present tho average price of
peanuts may lie set down at five cents a
pound. So that, by setting down
America’s product as 3 000,000 bushels
of 22 pounds a bushel, it represents a
product valu.’d at $3,330,000.—[Sin
Francisco Chronicle.
An Equivocal Admission.
Magistrate—I told you onco boforo
that you were going to tho bad.
Prisoner—Yesi That’s why I’m hora.
-[Life.
\
Ticking Colton in Texas.
if is estimated that the annual cotton
crop of the United States is more than
7.000,000 bales, a large portion of which
is furnished by Texas. The averago
bale contains 500 pounds of lint. Thera
nro threo and a half pounds of seed to
the pound of lint, 200 bolls to each
pound of seed, and every boil has to bo
picked by hand, ono at a time.
Suppliod with a long b. g, we bogan
on a picci of cotton with rows half a
mile long. The bottom crop of cotton,
consisting of tho bolls nearest the
ground, is tho first to open, so that tho
picker must eithor stoop or get oa his
knees to reach it.
Beginning in the morning as soon as
it was light enough to see, we worked
until 11 or 12 o’clock and, starting
again at 3, we picked until dark. The
weather was hot, 05 to 100 in, the shade,
and 135 in tho sun.
Oa, the long, long rowsl Half a
mile on the knees, working both hands
os fast as possible, and pulling trash
out of the cotton with tho teeth! Fifty
cents for 100 pounds in tho see 1 is all
we wero paid ; and work as hard as I
might, about 100 pounds would be all I
could pick in a day.
I cannot understand why tho colored
people like tho work so much. They
will pick cotton for half tho wages they
could get at other work. It may bo
becauso they .go in crowds and make a
frolic of it.—(D troit Free Press. ].
Adepts in Packing Pear's.
The French, who export more pcnr3 j
than any other nation, cover the inside
of tho boxes with spongy paper or dry I
moss, which absorbs the moisture. 1
Each pear is then wrapped in soft paper
and placed in layers in the bottom, fill
ing all interstices with tho dry moss.
Thus they will keep a month or more.
They are so packed that they cannot
touch each othor, and all motion is pre- j
vontod. If ono decays the ethers aro i
not harmed. — [Piciyune.
SCIENTIFIC SCRAPS.
Cellars should have a constant cur
rent of fresh air.
To mako a beautiful rod ink, got a
onc-ounco bottle, put into it ono tea-
spoonlul of aqua ammuui i, sixty grains
of No. 40 carmine, and five graias of
Na 8 carmine; then fill the bottle with
so t w.ter. Should it flow too freely,
add gum arable about th: sizi of one
Of two peas.
Pans of water placed in fruit and
berry patches will keep birds from eat
ing tho fruit. An English naturalist
claims that tho roasoa bird i eat cher
ries and strawberries is because in the
blazing heat they get dreadfully thirsty.
If the birds can easily get at water they
soon leave off taking tho fruit.
Australian interest in scientific pro
gress is well indicated by tho fact that
the Australian Association for tho ad
vancement of Scienc’, whom first meet
ing opened in August at Silncy, his
started out with 850 members, witn fair
prospects of doubling the number at
the Melbourne meeting in 1880.
Dr. Stocquirt, in the Paris Medical,
calls attention to an easy nv.-thol for
preventing the lenses of instruments
from becoming dim while being u*ed to
examine cavities. It suffices to sproad
a drop of glycerine on the lens. This
done, it can bo intro lucei in the throat,
for example, without becoming dim.
Tho French minister of tli) navy is
reported to bo experimenting on the
Seine with an electrical submarine tor
pedo boat. It is made of sheet iron,
is cigar shaped, and measures about 14-j
feet in length by five feet in diameter.
It carries a sufficient store of com
pressed oxygen for quite a trip under
water.
Edison's “Jumbo” dynamos , with a
capacity of 1200 lights, were electric
generators of astonishing siza four years
ago. A London lijhtiig stition is
now having bui t, however, two 300-
horso-power Ferranti dynamo 1 , each o.
which will supply current for 05, COO
lamps. These will bo followed by
some 10,000 horse-power dynamos,
each weighing 500 tons ai l having an
armaturo forty-five feet in diameter.
A London novelty it “cellular” cloth
of silk, wool or cotton, woven with
open meshes to catch air and allow von-
tilatioc, which is said to delight equal
ly the modistes, the wearers and tho
doctors, as it has warmth without
weight, fits without croase or wrinkle,
does not harden or shrink in washing,
and is used indiscriminately as the stuff
for nightgowns, underwear, orbiou t',
or as a foundation for art embroidery.
A novel method of locating a leak in
a water main has been employed at
Rochester, N. Y., with entire success.
Tho break in the main was known to
be between the banks of tho nrcr. A
solution of bipermanganata of potash
was introduced at a hydrant on tho sido
of the river nearest the reservoir, and
observers wore stationed oa the river
along tho line of the main. A deep
reddish-purple discoloration ot river
water at one point soon made the exact
location of tho leak apparent.
In the demolition of a high chimnoy
some ingenuity can bn shown. A chim
ney in Middlosborough, England, was
taken down brick by brick from the top
downward. A long chute, one-half an
inch longer and wider than a brick in
its cross sectional dimensions, was first
erected within tho flui. It was air tight
and rose from an air tight box placed
at the flottom of tho chimney. The
bricks wero droppod one by one through
this chute, and wero cushioned by the
air,so that none were broken or injured.
From time to tiiui tho box was openod
and the bricks that had accumulated
' were removed.
Ladies os Nurses.
It has become quito common for
young ladies of the highest respectabili
ty to study as nurses and, having se
cured their diplomas, to earn thairlivoli-
hood in that capacity. And they earn a
very good livelihood, too. Their charge is
from $15 a weok upward-, and, os only
tho better class of citizons can afford to
employ them, they are sure to bo well
entertained while performing their
duties.—[Brooklyn Citizen.
A Million-Dollar lionse.
Tho Schloss of Po.csch, near Sinaia,
where tho Prino of Wales has been
staying, is the favorite residence of thf
Kings and Queens of Roumanis, say-
the London World, and it was only
completed about two years ago, having
altogether cost upwards of $1,000,000.
Tho house,.which is of red brick, i<
in tho French Gothic style, with tur
rets, gables and verandas. It is lighted
by, electricity, and was furnished from
tho principal capitals of Eurep?, and
decoratod by a regiment of work;wop!e
from Oae suite of rooms is
furnished and adorned in pure Turkish
fashion.
Tho grounds, laid out in terraces, slope
to tho river, and tho scenery all around
is magnificent, the house being built on
a plateau, with tho Carpathian Moun
tains behind and on both sites, covered
for miles with pine and beech forests,
and a romantic valloy in front. Tho
forests round Sinaia swarm with gams.
