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BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SKETCHES FROM
VARIOUS SOURCES.
Turned < Into Real Estate—Horse
Rations for a Cavalryman—A
Likely Story—Oratorical
Fervor, Etc., Etc.
-<4*
Said Constable Bragg to Farmer Scragg:
“I’ve come to seize your cow, sir;
The writ says ‘personal property,’
And what will you do now, sir?”
Said Farmer Scragg to Constable Bragg:
“I don’t scare at a shadow:
The cow’s not personal property, sir—
I’ve turned her into a meadow.”
—Times.
Horse Rations for a Cavalryman.
“Ah, cavalier, how goes it?”
“First class, Major. I have the hunger
of a horse.”
“You don’t say so. Here, orderly,
bring a box of oats for Cavalier Bris-
quard.”
A Likely Story.
Farmer—“What are you two boys
doing up in that pear tree?”
Johnny—“Tommy has taken a notion
tp steal some pears.”
“And what arc you doing up in the
tree?”
“I’m trying to talk him out of the no
tion. "—Siftings.
Oratorical Fervor.
Wife (at a political meeting)—“How
impassioned the orator is, John! Why
he is actually shedding tears, I believe.
I really think his words come from his
heart.”
Husband—“No, my dear, they come
from the stump.”— Epoch.
’hand. She is the new mother I prom
ised to bring you.”
After taking a square look at the new
mother, little Charlie said:
“Pa, you have been fooled. She ain’t
new at all 1 "—Siftings.
Brown Versus Jones.
“Mr. Brief, I want to sue Miss Jones
for breach of promise.”
“All right—but what was the prom
ise?”
“Well, you see, we were off at a picnic
in August.and Emeline was mad because
hcrsiBter had had more proposals than
she, and she asked me if I wouldn’t help
her out. I said I would if she would re
jectme: but, hang it sir, though she
promised not to, she accepted me the
lirst chance she got."--Bazar.
Showed Them the Door.
The Rev. James Raine, an archaeologist,
who has just been appointed to a stall
at York Minster,-was engaged one day
in researches in the Minster library,
when two young officers of the garrison,
on a sight-seeing expedition, lounged
in. Mistaking him for a verger, they
aecosted him thus: “I say, old fellow,
what have you got to show us?”
They felt sorry, however, a moment
I later, when the supposed verger thus re-
| plied: “Sir, to gentlemen we show the
library; to others the door.”—Argonaut.
A Prodigious BUI.
Wife—“What a lovely little bonnet!
Who brought it up?”
Husband—“A small boy, my dear.”
Wife—“Did he bring the bill?”
Husband—“Oh, no; 1 guess they’ll
send that up on a hand-cart. ”— Washing
ton Post.
The Baby Wouldn’t Bounce.
“Fay, ma,” remarked the small bov,
“isn’t it funny that everybody calls my
little brother a bouncing baby ?”
“Why do you think it is funny, Will
iam?” returned his mother.
“Because, when I dropped him on the
floor this morning, he didn’t bounce a
bit.”—Chicago News.
Had a Heart, of Stone.
Miss B. — “AVhwis it, Mr. Smith, that
you gentlemen always think so much
about your dinner?”
Mr. S. (jocularly)—“Well you know
they say a man’s heart is situated in his
stomach.”
“Which explains, I suppose, why some
men suffer so fearfully from dyspepsia.”
—Siftings.
Fully Equipped.
Hostess—“That young lady is a grad
uate of Vassar College, and I want to
introduce her to some gentleman who
won’t be afraid of her, and knows how
to talk to her.”
Friend—“Get youDg De Dude over
there. He can talk on the different
brands of cigarettes by the hour. ”—Neat
York Weekly,
Overdid the Thing.
“You have gone too far, John Smith.”
said Mrs. John Smith, tapping the par
lor floor. “You have treated me out
rageously.”
“What will you do?” sneered the I
cautious husband.
“I shall tell mother as soon as she
comes home.”
The wretched man bowed his head in
his hands and murmured: “Got both
feet in this time.”—iYcw York Sun.
Might- Have Been Worse.
When Jones was at the theatre the
other .evening he sat down by mistake on
his neighbor’s hat, and reduced it to a
hopeless mass of silk and pasteboard.
The owner was madder than half a
dozen March hares.
“Well,” calmly observed the culprit,
“1 was awkward and no mistake!” But,
he added with self-complacent pity,
“when I think that it might have been
mine it makes me fairly shudder.”—
JuJge.
Not Very Much Frightened.
Escort (to Miss Penelope Waldo of
Boston, on the lawn)- “:,on’t be fright
ened, Miss Penelope, but there’s a °big
green worm on your skirt.”
Miss Penelope—“Oh, don’t disturb it,
Mr. Wabash. I should like to take it
homewiih me. It belongs to the species
known as the capillus capillary capil,
and is very rare in these parts. Dear
little fellow, I shall prize it so highly.
Would you mind, Mr. Wabash, putting
it in your hut?”— New York Sun.
Would Not Give Themselves Away.
President (Debating Club)—“Weil,
we have had some stirring speeches on
the negative side of the question of the
evening, ‘Is Marriage a Failure?’ but
none of the gentlemen appointed to
speak on the affirmative side have re
sponded.”
Secretary (whispering)—“Their wives
are here.”
The President (loudly)—“Owing to
the lateness of the hour further debate
is postponed. Adjourned.—Philadelphia
Jltcord.
Fresh From the Minstrels.
It may net be believed, but a recent
minstrel troupe got off a fresh joke.
“Harry,” said the end man, “people
are very dissatisfied in this world.”
“They arc, indeed,” answered the in
terlocutor.
“Yes, Harry, if a man has riches he
wants health,and if a man has health he
yearns for wealth.”
“Yes, that’s the way it goes.”
“Now—now you take a follow at sea
—awfully sick—you know—leaning over
the side of the steamer, and all that sort
of thing. Now, that man wants the
earth.”—Detroit Free Press.
A Financial Deal.
“Did you tell the manager what I
asked you to?” asked the burn-storming
actor, who had struck hard luck of a
fellow sufferer.
“Yes. Everything.”
“Tell him I was tired of this thing?”
“Yes.”
“Tell him I was going to quit right
here?”
“Yes. I carried your entire message.
The manager says ho doesn’t want you to
leave him,and he’ll raise your salary .$40
a week if you’ll change your mind.”
. “Go back and tell him that it he’ll
give me fifty cents of it in advance I’ll
stay. ”—Merchant Traveler.
A Back Number.
A widower married a second time and
his choice .was a wealthy lady about fifty
years of age. When tho bride and
bridegroom returned home from the
wedding the husband, introducing the
wife to nis children, said:
“My dear children, kiss this lady’s
A Tell-Tale Beard.
Now that cold weather is cornuig and
men commence to grow a winter beard
they ought not to lose sight of the fact
that often a new beard is stiff and brist
ly. The other evening two young la'dies
had a couple of gentlemen callers, but
just before going into tho room the
eldest sister was suddenly .taken with a
most severe toothache. What to do she
did not know, but, anxious to see the
young men, and rather.than be excused
she bandaged her face with raw cotton
saturated in laudanum, and so made her
appearance. Before long she had occa
sion to go into another room with one of
the young men,and on their return were
greeted with: “Why, Will, what is that
on your face?” And ho,much confused,
tooK the cotton from his beard.—New
York Graphic.
Respect for Superiors.
At the club the other day they were
recounting some reminiscences of the
war, when an old general on the retired
list of the army remarked:
“I will illustrate to you the amount of
influence possessed by officers over men,
and the high state of discipline that pre
vailed during the first months of the
war, by the following incident that oc
curred at the battle of Bull Run. In the
heat of the action an officer, who has
since become prominent and well known
throughout the country, was then in
command of a -brigade on the right of
the line. While riding over the field he
discovered a soldier concealed in a hole
in the ground, which was of just suffi
cient dimensions to afford him shelter.
The general rode up to him, inquired as
to his regiment, and ordered him to join
it at once. The man looked him full in
the face, placed a thumb upon his nose,
and replied:
“Oh. no you don’t, old fellow! You
want, this hole yourself.’ ’’
A Joke On an Ingenuous Bride.
A pretty old minstrel joke is this one
about “Sawyer.” There is a town called
“Sawyer” and the joke requires that
that there should be a railway tunnel
just outside the town, which don’t hap
pen to be there, but a minstrel does not
hesitate to construct a tunnel or a whole
railroad system if necessary. The talk
about marriage naturally brings up the
behavior of' married couples on their
wedding tour.
“Oh, I’ve been there," says the end
man—“yes: well you know thetown of
Sawyer:” Yes, the interlocutor knew
it. “Well, there was a couple on board
the train 1 was on, and when we went
into the tunnel, he kissed her.”
“How did you know that, if the tun
nel was dark?”
“Oh, she gave it away. When we got
out tho tunnel the brakeman put nis
head into the car, and shouted:
“Sawyer!”
“Don’t care if you did,” she said,
“we’remarried.”—Detroit Free Press.
There are several factories in North
Carolina manufacturing pine needles
into useful material, ope factory produces
daily 1500 pounds of pine-leaf hair and
curled pme straw, sold to furniture and
carriage manufacturers for stuffing
cushions, chairs, etc. The fiber is also
converted into carpets and mattings.
WOMAN’S WORLD.
PLEASANT LITERATURE FOR
FEMININE READERS.
Before the Glass.
She stood before a looking-glass—
A winsome, pretty dark-eyed, lass-
Her head a little to one side
As though all mankind she defied.
With cheek so rosy, neck so white.
Her long hair o’er her shoulders fell,
Her brown eyes sparkled with delight:
It needed no soft speech to tell
That she was fair; she knew it well.
And her soliloquy ran thus:
'How awful slow the time would pass
Is it wasn’t for this looking-glass!"
—Harper’s Bazar. ■
Tho Girl With the Violin.
. The girl with the violin Is the most
picturesque and novel feature in society
just now, which finds her—standing tall
and slim, with her instrument under her
dimpled chin and her arm sweeping out
in wide, graceful curves as she draws the
bow across the strings—a much more
“pleasing sight to see” than the girl
perched on the piano stool, with her
back to her hearers. So the violin
teachers arc reaping rich harvests, and
many young women who never did much
at the piano are beginning to discover
the true outlet for their talents in Paga
nini’s instrument. One of the best
known, of the young amateur violinists
in society is Miss Gatlin, who studied
on the other side and has worked at her
art with so much persistency and real
love for it that she can do work of which
no amateur need be ashamed. Three
hours every day of the week except
Sunday she practices, and that with a
diligent faithfulness which shows its re
sults in the light and firm briliancy of
her touch. Miss Catlin’s engagement to
Mr. Park Trainor was recently announced
by the society papers and her marriage j
is to take place shortly. All the other j
amateur violinists are enviously admir-1
ing her betrothal gift from Mr. Trainor,
not only for its beauty and value, but
for the delicate appreciation of her art
evinced in its selection. It consists of |
a very handsome violin bow, as beautiful I
and as rich as it could be made, and with <
a very large and brilliant diamond set in
its lower end. The effect of this is be- •
yond measure charming. As she stands
facing her audience, the violin is under j
her chin and the bow held high, and as
the music begins it .darts rays of red and
blue and green as the light falls upon its
facets. . As the time becomes laster and 1
the music more brilliant a shower of J
sparks seem to flash from the great white
gem, as though the staccato notes had
become visible and were thrown like
spray in the afr. It is a charming fancy,
and one which lovers of a fair violin
players, will be quick to imitate when
they are fortunate enough to be able to
afford such an adornment for their
betrothed’s chosen instrument.—New j
York World. \
If your hair is thin and threatens to
fall, or the parting is growing incon
veniently wide, let it down at night and
massage the scalp. Rub it, gather the
loose skin between the fingers, pinch il
a little, invert exercise for it with the
tips of the fingers. Give it some work
to do every day, and brush it. Part it
on the side at night and give tho day’s
parting a rest. Brush it brush it,
brush itl
Care of tho Hair.
Something particularly good from tho
American Analyst:
Brush the hair and again brush it.
This is the beginning and the end of
admonition. JNot for you, few girls,
who have maids who smooth your hair
night and morning. But for you, many
girls; good, sweet, wholesome, every
day girls, who are responsible for your
own goodness and sweetness and wbole-
someuess, and who wrestle with your
own straight or curly tresses.
Brush it. So shall your hair be clean
and silky. No amount of combing will
make it either. I.ook well to your
brush. No wire brush, no heavy silver-
backed brush, but even, well-chosen
bristles.
Abundant bnir is an ornament, but is
is a responsibility, A woman’s crown of
glory is apt to be a very dirty diadem.
There is no dust-catcher equal to a great
shock of hair. Every eying particle
lodges in tho flowing tresses that the
poets rave over, and sifts down from
silken thread to silken thread, whether
the locks be brown or gold.
If your hair is dull in color, wiry in
texture and will not catch the burnished
gleam of the last rhyme you read, brush
If it is losing the gloss it had when
you were younger, if it looks old and
sickly, brush it. If you hair is fretful
and peevish, brush it till it smiles and
behaves with docility under the comb
again.
Wash it first. Beat an egg into foam,
rub it well into the roots, thoroughly,
but gently, then rime it in lukewarm
water. Keep a small brush for the pur
pose—a nail-brush or a tooth brush will
answer—and part your hair, strand by
strand, until you have cleansed tho scalp
well over. ,
If your hair is moist by nature, dis
solve a little borax and glycerine in the
rinse water; if it is harsh and dry, use
glycerine only, lest the head, after so
much manipulation, feci uneasy or sore.
Find an airy place—in the sun, if the
day is not too warm—and brush the wet
hair dry. Brush it caressingly, with a
soft brush till the moisture is nearly ex
pelled. Then stop petting it and brush
quickly with a stiff brush till it is satiny
and dry.
Did it ever occur to you that the scalp
wants exercise and gets very little? The
hair fades, sometimes turns white, grows
rough nnd disobedient, because it is not
fed. Direct a fuller flow of blood to tho
hair follicles, and they will eat and gtow
young.
At bedtime unfasten your hair and bmeh
it. Brush it half an hour every evening
for a month. After that brush it fifleon
minutes nightly—ten minutes, if you
have no more time. Loosen it completely,
rub it with your fingers, rubbing and
brushing alternately, usjng, os before,
first a soft, soothing brush, then a vigor
ous stiff one. Brush it to the tips of the
longest threads. Gather it very loosely
for tho night, allowing full ventilation,
and in the morning brush it fifteen min
utes at first, afterward ten minutes, de
votedly every day.
Fashion Notes.
Ostrich feather fans arc the favorites.
Boas made of cock’s feathers are a
new fancy.
The various shades of gray are all
fashionable.
Claret still holds its own as one of the
favorite reds.
Many bridal dresses are being made in
the directoire style.
A new and rather muddy shade of
green is called Rhone.
The “tiger eye” is popular for bonnet
pins and is very pretty, though it is not
a jewel but merely petrified wood.
In Paris the bustle is still worn, but it
is no longer ^ibie, being merely two or
three short steels at the top of the skirSF
Bands of silk embroidery are now
made and sold by the yard, and form a
convenient trimming for woolen dresses.
A dinner dress for home wear is made
of a changeable silk, varying to old gold.
The corsage may be trimmed with Pekin
gauze.
Parisian milliners favor trimmings in
two or more shades of one color, and
these combinations are very tasteful,
though the effect is always quiet and
subdued.
The last enurmity in trimming is the
use of some small animal, as the sable,
head, tail, claws and all, curled up along
the side of a big velvet hat or else curved
comfortably on the folds of a cloth or
velvet muff.
A Very Curious $20 Bill.
A curiosity in the shape of National
Bank note currency has come into the
possession of Mr. S. H. AVickham, o£
Dexington avenue. The note is of the
$20 denomination having its back
printed upside down. It is of the series
of 1 f-80, and is comparatively new, hav
ing been but little in circulation.
There is no doubt about its genuine
ness, as it has passed through the hands
of several of the most prominent bank
note experts in the city without ques
tion. Mr. Wickham, accompanied by a
Sun reporter, successfully passed it upon
the pavinc teller of the Seventh National
Bank, corner of Broadway and John
street.
“Will you please tell we whether that
bill is good?” inquired Sir. AVickham of
the teller, spreading the bank note before
him on the counter. The teller ad justed
bis glasses and carefully scrutinized the
bill on both sides.
“There is no doubt about it,” he
replied. Apparently he did not dis
cover the mistake of the Treasury Bureau,
for he handed the note back without
comment.
He was requested to examine the bill
more carefully and compare it with a $20
bill of the same issue. He did so and at
once discovered the error. Astonish
ment was depicted upou his face, and he
was obliged to confess that he had nevei
before seen a National Bank note like it.
Mr. AVickLnm then submitted the bill
to a similar test at the Chemical and
City Banks, the Third .National and the
German-American National Bank. In
each case the paying tellers pronounced
the bill genuine, and were not a little
slow in discovering that the back was
printed upside down. None of these
cashiers had ever seen a note of the kind
before, and were greatly puzzled to
know how the bill had got into circula
tion.
Mr. Wickham received the bill from
the cashier of the Hong Kong and
Shanghai Banking Corporation, where
he is employed as clerk. The firm in
turn received the bill from the City
Bank iu the usual order of their bank
ing system. It was by the merest ac
cident that the error of the Treasury
officials was discovered.
The cashier of the Hong Kong and
Shanghai Banking Corporation is very
methodical in his business transactions
and in handling currency notes he is
exceedingly careful to have the face of
the bills turned toward him. After
counting a pile of bills one way he
usually turns them over and counts them
tho other way. In this manner ho dis
covered that one bill was upside down,
and upou closer inspection he found
that it was printed that way.
Mr. Wickham’s attention was called
to the matter, and quick to seize a good
thing he proposed to tile cashier that he
be allowed to take the bill, substituting
from his own pocket another of tho same
denomination. Tho cashier made no
objection, and Mr. Wickham does not
regret the transaction. Since then
several parties have been negotiating to
buy the bill, offering fancy prices, several
times in excess of its intrinsic value.
Mr. AVickham has refused all of these
offers. He thinks if a bill stamped $20
on one side and $10 on the other is
worth $1000, his currency note with the
back, printed upsido down is worth
several hundred dollars. —New York Sun.
Bunco Stccrcrs in the Metropolis.
Six bunco steerers may be seen any
morning hanging around the portico of
the postoffice building. They are early
risers, part of their philosophy basing
itself on the familiar adage about tho
bird and the worm. Many a greenhorn
becomes their prey. A day or two ago
one of the Astor House waiters who
prides himself on his muscle saw a
countryman fall into their clutches.
Sallying forth he closed with the gang,
who, taking alarm, scattered in six
directions, leaving their victim under
the wing of his protector.—New York
Tribune.
WORDS OF WISDOM.
Who waits for dead men’s shoes may
have to go barefoot.
Honesty is best policy, but policy no*
always best honesty. ■
- Balances on the credit side of th®
ledger always look the bost.
Better to begin the world without a
dime than end it without a dollar.
The man whp lays his hand to the
plow and doesn’t look back is doubly
blessed.
_ No consciousness of rectitude will en
tirely take away the sting of being»
cruelly misjudged.
Every man is society’s debtor, not
creditor. Will our anarchial friends
please bear that mind?
As water runs down from the swelling
hills and flows together in the lowly
vale, so grace flows not but into humble
hearts.
The leaders in the coming conflict,
those who will be crowned when the vic
tory is gained, are not to-day sitting
astraddle of fences.
Let not him who prays suffer his
tongue to outstrip his heart; nor pre
sume to carry a message to the throne of
grace while that stays behind.
It is impossible to make people under
stand their ignorance; for it required
knowledge to perceive it; and therefore
he that can perceive it hath it.
He who, in advance of the world,
grasps a truth is a seer who shows others
how to see. He carries a torch that dis
pels darkness which a thousand suns
could uot dispel.
The man who is right needn’t care
for appearances. All things for or
against wijji.be found in the end to have
worked toward victory; courageous
hopefulness is rightfully Lis.
A IJucer Game Among the Nava joes.
Dr. Matthews, of tho army, read a
paper before the Anthropological Society
Tuesday evening on the subject of “Na
va,o Gambling Songs.” The Navajo In
dians, he began, have numerous songs,
many of which are sung under the pro
gress of a gamhling game called “Kcsi-
chay.” The game is founded on a myth
which forms one of the traditional beliefs
of the Navajoes. ,The songs used in this
game are almost numberless, and one old
man of whom the doctor asked the num
ber said, with an intended exaggeration,
that there were over four thousand in
the game. Another said that there was
a song for every bird that flies, every
animal that crawls or prowls.
The game is sacred and is usually
played in winter and always in the dark
hours. AVhen asked w r hy the night
should be elected for the game one In
dian remarked that “he on whom the
sun shines while playing the kesichay
will be stricken blind.” The game is
played in a lodge or wigwam. Fix moc
casins are buried witu their tbps even
with the ground in two rows several feet
apart and filled to their edges with sand.
The Indians divide into two parties,
and draw lots for the first move. The
winners of the first move take a small,
black stone, and, raising a blanket be
tween themselves and their opponents to-
conceal their operations, hide the stone
in one of the moccasins, buryiDg it in
the sand so that it is entirely out of sight.
The others then try to find the stone by
striking with a stick the moccasin sup
posed to contain it. If they find it they
take the stone in turn and hide it, the-
others guessing,jbut if they fail their op
ponents hold it until it is found, each,
time hanging up the blanket and chang
ing, or pretending to change, its location.
The game is counted by means of one
hundred and two long slender sticks on
each side, which change hands as the
sides win or lose. The system of count
ing is very intricate, the count depend
ing on the location of the ball. Four,
six or ten counters change hands at each,
hiding. The changes are almost all in
favor of the holders of the ball, and fre
quently one side will lose all of their
counters before the ball is found, when
the game comes to an end. Two of the
counters on each side are notched and
are called “grandmothers.” When there
has been a long run of bad luck the
“grandmothers” are stuck up in the
ground and told to go ana seek their
grandchildren, meaning to bring back
the luck and hold the counters. It is
supposed to be lucky to hold the grand
mothers until the last, so that they are
not laid out until the others are all gone;
— Washington Star.
A Story About Nilsson.
AVhem Christine Nilsson first appeared
in public, twenty or more years ago, she
was a bony aud freckled Scandinavian
lass like scores one sees in Western
towns. Now she is a magnificent'wo
man, commanding in carriage and coun
tenance. Occasionally her temper gets
the better of her on the stage, and once,
here in Chicago, she knocked over the
piano-stool and stamped angrily because
something had gone wrong. If she
proved herself ungrateful to former
benefactors, retribution came quickly in
the treatment which she met at the hands
of her first husbnnd’s relations, upon
whom she had lavished princely dona
tions.
Fhe is a woman of noble impulse,
which was once illustrated at the house
of a retired Chicago milliona re near
New York. A distinguished company
had been invited to meet her at dinner.
On entering the dining-room she dropped
her host’s arm, hurrying in ama-.-ementto
the stately young butler, and seizing him
effusively by the band, engaged him in
conversation, while the other guests
stood waiting and the entertainer looked
on in astonishment. “That man,” she
explained to the group, when they were
Bcated, “is the son of u kind old noble
man on whose estate my father worked
as a day laborer when we were children.
Fortune has smiled on me, while it has
frowned on my old playmate, whom I
find here under such changed circum
stances..”—America