The Middle Georgia argus. (Indian Springs, Ga.) 18??-1893, February 17, 1881, Image 1
W. F. SMITH, Publisher.
VOLUME VIIL
Oyster Dredging.
Consumers of the lucions bivalve have
little idea of the hardships wliioh attend
the labor of taking oysters from their
cosy beds. It would seem that taking
one consideration with another, the
dredger’s life is not a happy one. A Bal
timore paper gives the following glimpse
of the business:
There is no occupation in the world
more laborious or productive of pain
than oyster dredging. The brackish
waters of the Chesapeake freeze rapidly
over all shoals and bays when a cold
snap comes. The toils of the dredger
then tjecome tortures. The method of
taking oysters from the prolific and lim
itless beds of the Chesapeake is simple.
The dredges, which are simply iron
bags with a protecting under-scoop at
tached, are dredged across the oyster
beds by the motion of the vessel, and
are then hauled up by windlasses. When
the dredger is not working at the wind
lass he is squatted on deck bending over
the oyster heaps, culling them out. The
shells of the oysters are generally cov
ered with a parasitic growth known as
“dog stones.” The conglomerated lumps
of oyster growth are broken up with
hammers; shells, “babies,” and refuse
are thrown overboard, and the marketa
ble oysters are then run into the hold.
As fast as the dredges are emptied on
deck their contents must be culled. It
is an occupation at best about as inter
esting as breaking stone. When carried
on in a freezing wind, exposed to the
frozen spray, with sharp shell edges cut
ting into sore hands, and grit and mud
rubbing into chaps and raw places, it be
comes a torture. Hauling at the wind
lass is only better because more active.
The skin sticks to the irons in frosty
Weather, and the hands stretched down
to grasp the icy, dripping dredges often
leave blood stains where they touch. For
this work therpay ranges from sl2 to S2O
a month, with food found.
Thus it is that the work of a dredger
is looked upon in Maryland as the worst
that can fall to the lot of man. The ex
treme expression of aversion with a bay
shore darkey is to say, “I would as lief
dredge as do that.”
There is a prevalent belief among the
colored population that pungv captains
kidnap stray darkies who may come into
their reach. It certainly is the ease that
captains make no inquiry as to where
tiieir hands come from. Shipping mas
ters get two dollars a piece for them.
Many a poor fellow lias waked up from
a drunken stupor to find, to his horror,
that ho was down the bay in a pungy.
Asa rule, windlass hands are the poorest
species of tramps. Many of them are
picked up from the brickyard hands who
Hock into town after the brick-making
season is over.
The Camel on llis Native Heath.
And now heaves in sight the unchanged
quintessence of Orientalism—there is
our first camel, a camel in use, in his
native setting aud not in a menagerie.
There is a lino of them, loaded with
building-stones, w earily shambling along.
The long bended neck apes humility,
but the supercilious nose in the air ex
presses perfect contempt for all modern
life. The contrast of this haughty
'“stuck-up-ativeness” (it is necessary to
<*oin this word to express the camel’s
ancient conceit) with the royal ugliness
of the brute, is both awe-inspiring and
amusing. No human royal family dare
be uglier than the camel. He is a mass
*f bones, faded tufts, humps, lumps,
and callosities. His tail is a
ridiculous wisp, and a failure as an orna
ment or a fiy-bruah. His feet are simply
big sponges. For skin covering he has
patches of old buffalo robes, faded and
with the hair worn off'. His voice is
snore disagreeable than his appearance.
With a reputation for patience, he is
snappish and vindictive. His endurance
is over-rated—that is to say lie dies like
a sheep on an expedition of any length,
if lie is not well fed. His gait moves
every muscle like the ague. And yet
this ungainly creature carries his head
in the air, aud regards the world out of
his great brown eyes with disdain. The
sphinx is not more placid. He reminds
me, I don't know why, of a pyramid.
He has a resemblance to a palm-tree.
It is impossible to make an Egyptian
picture without him. What a Hapsburg
lip he has! Ancient royal? The very
poise of his head says plainly, “I have
come out of the dim past, before history
was; the deluge did not touch me; I saw
Menes come aud go; I helped Slioofoo
build the great pyramid; I knew Egypt
when it hadn't an obelisk nor a temple;
I watched the slow building of the pyra
mid at Sakkara. Did I not transport
the fathers of vonr race across the desert?
There are three of us; the date-palm, the
pyramid, and myself Everything else
is modern. Go to!” —Charles Dudley
Warner.
The Truth Out at Last.
The mother of two sons, twins, met
one of the brothers in a field one morning.
“Which one of you two boys am I speak
ing to?” asked the mother. " “Why do you
ask?” inquired the lad prudently. * Be
cause if it is your brother I will box liis
ears.” “It is not mv 4 brother—it is L”
“Then your brother is wearing your
coat, for yours had a hole in it.” “No,
mother, I am wearing my own coat.”
“Good heavens,” cried the mother, look
ing at him - intently, “you are your
brother after all! ”
St. Louis owns eighteen parks and
squares, embracing 2,107 acres, costing
nio^ 0 ? 0 Ori oinaily; and on which $2,-
t < -,000 have been spent. Forest Park,
the largest of the lot, contains 1,371
Holes, but Tower Grove Park, the gift of
1 v Shaw, and improved under his
personal supervision, is far the finest. '
GOSSIP FOB THE LADIES. '
Marry a Gentlenaa.
Marry a gentleman,
Chris, if you can,
Gentle and tender,
Though no less a man;
One who will treasure
His child or his wife,
Booming to rob them
Of sweetness iD life.
One who will never
The brute’s part assume,
Filling his household
With sorrow and gloom.
If on love’s altar
The flame you can fan,
Marry a gentleman,
Gins, if you can.
Vou will be happy,
And you will be glad,
Though he only
Be commonly clad;
Pleasure is fleeting,
And life biJt a span—
Marry a gentleman,
Girls, if you can.
She Knows ft.
A woman always knows when she is
pretty. Isn’t it strange that she never
knows when she is the other thing ? We
can all put up with a good deal of sim
pering nonsense from a pretty girl, but
a homely damsel must deport herself
With straight - laced decorum or she
makes herself ridiculous. Perhaps it is
unfair, but the world will have it so, aud
it stands an inexorable law.
A Dime-Novel Petition for Divorce.
Ladies can wax wondrously grandilo
quent when in the mind. A Kentuckian
victim of man’s inconstancy thus sets
forth her plaint in a petition for di
vorce :
“Dark clouds of discord began to
lower over the sky of wedded felicity,
and the minacious lightning of disunion
began to dart its lurid flames across
gloomy clouds of atramental blackness,
obscuring every star of hope and happi
ness, whose resplendent glory illumi
nated the dawn of the first few brief
years of her wedded life, when she gave
her hand and an undivided heart to the
defendant, who, in the sultry month of
July, 1879, after having been warmly
and snugly wintered within the fond
embraces of her loving arms, and closely
nestled to % heart that beat alone for
the defendant, showed his base, black
ingratitude by abandoning her without
cause whatever, except the insatiable
thirst for novelty, which is the predom
inant character of defendant’s nature.”
A Boston Anti-Widow League.
The young ladies of Boston formed an
Anti-Widow League, and the following
is a copy of a petition sent to the Gov
ernor of Massachusetts :
THE HUMBLE PETITION OP ALL THE MAIDS
WHOSE NAMES ARE UNDERWRITTEN.
Whereas we, the humble petitioners,
nre at present in a very melancholy dis
position of mind, considering how all
the bachelors are blindly captivated by
widows, and our own youthful charms
thereby neglected; in consequence of
this, our request is that your Excellency
will for the future order that no widow
presume to marry any young man till
the maids are provided for ; or else to
to pay each of them a fine for satisfac
tion for invading our liberties, and like
wise a fine to be levied on all such
bachelors as shall be married to widow s.
The great disadvantage it is to us maids
is that the widows, by their forward car
riage, do snap up the young men, and
have the vanity to think their merit be
yond ours, which is a great imposition
on us, who ought to have the preference.
This is humbly recommended to your
Excellency’s consideration, and hope you
will permit no further insults. And we
maids, in duty bound, will ever pray.
Enterprising Women.
Given energy and perseverance, and
even women find no difficulty in gaining
a livelihood in our crowded cities. Four
orphan girls who wished to educate an
only brother, not many months ago came
to the city in search of bread and butter.
They took a house in the business part
of the city ; took what boarders they
could accommodate, but made day
boarding a specialty. They opened two
uarlors which were for a dining-room.
They are carpeted, draped, picture
hung and made generally refined, and
people like to go to them. The tables
are arranged with the most scrupulous
neatness. The linen is dainty and al
ways fresh; the silver is bright; the de
tails in every respect are those of a re
fined home. The meals are not elabo
rate, but everything is excellent of its
kind, perfectly cooked and perfectly
served. With the aid of one servant
these four young women manage their
establishment. In dainty, white-ruffled
aprons they serve the guests at their
table in. a graceful, lady-like way that
attracts people. They have placed
their younger brother in a good school;
they are making a comfortable support,
and have their own pleasant home alto
gether. Now when women can attain
to this manner of common sense in their
lives, which is quite as needful as “com
mon sense in the household,” we shall
not see “thirty highly educated young
ladies ” advertised in the morning pa
pers, at a loss to know what is going to
become of them.
Small Waists and Consnmption.
The mania for small waists has been
the premature death of thousands upon
thousands of the fairest and most prom
ising young ladies, before they had time
to learn of the dangers they were invit
ing by following the examples of those
who teach by their practice that they
prefer conformity to the requirements of
perverted taste to the exemption from
the penalties of being out of shape in
the sense of those who exercise no judg
ment in regard to this important matter.
Favored, as many robust women are,
with a fine organization in other re
spects, they can live out a long life in
comparative health and comfort; but
AVide-Awake, Independent, but Neutral in TVotliinjg - .
they are few compared to the vast num
ber who fall short and die before they
have attained all they might have had
on earth. The first or topmost rib on
either side, just under the collar bone,
is short, thin and sharp on its inner cur
vature. It has no motion, being a brace
between the dorsal column and the
breast bone. It is immovable for the
purpose of protecting large arteries and
veins belonging to the arms on either
side of the neck. In cases where the
chest has been manipulated till the
lungs cannot expand downward they are
forced above that rib. Kising and fall
ing above and below that rib level, the
lobe chafes and frets against the resist
ing curvature. It is inflamed at last,
and the organ becomes diseased.
If that chafing is not relieved, but in
each respiration the serous covering of
the lurfg is irritated continually, the
inflammation is apt to extend quite into
the body of the organ, increased and in
tensified by exciting emotions, labori
ous pursuits, or unfavorable exposures.
Finally, the mucous lining of "the air
cells within the lung sympathizes and
becomes inflamed also. In this connec
tion we may trace the commencement
of pulmonary consumption. It would
be denominated sporadic, and widely
different from pulmonary diseases by in
heritance. Consumption is not only de
veloped by tight lacing, but caused in
many cases, where the original con
formation of the individual was favora
ble for a comparative long life, is be
yond question. Medications cannot
stay the onward march of disorganiza
tion when ulcerations eat the tissues.
Once destroyed, they can never be re
produced. Therefore, if prevention is
better than cure, less expensive, and
always more agreeable, why not profit
by these suggestions ? No compression
of the base of the chests of men being
induced by tight dressing, a chafing of
the upper surface of the lung rarely oc
curs with them. Great men, giants in
any department of busy life—those who
make the world conscious of their in
fluence—those who quicken thouhgt,
revolutionize public sentiment and leave
the impression of their genius in the
history of the age in which they flourish,
were. not the sons of gaunt mothers
whose waists resemble the midtile of an
hour glass.
Women.
I have always remarked that women,
in all countries, are civil and obliging,
tender and humane; that they are ever
inclined to be gay and cheerful, timor
ous and modest; and that they do not
hesitate, like men, to perform a gener
ous action. Not haughty, not arrogant,
not supercilious, they are full of courtesy
and fond of society; more liable, in gen
eral, to err than man, but, in general,
also, more virtuous, and performing
more good actions than he. To a woman,
whether civilized or savage, I never ad
dressed myself in the language of de
cency and friendship, without receiving
a decent and friendly answ r er. With
men it has often been otherwise. In
wandering over the barren plains of in
hospitable Denmark, through honest
Sweden and frozen Lapland, rude and
churlish Finland, unprincipled Bussia,
and the wide-spread regions of the
wandering Tartar ; if hungry, dry, cold,
wet or sick, the women have ever been
friendly to me, and uniformly so. And,
to add to this virtue, so worthy the ap
pellation of benevolence, their actions
have been performed in so free and kind
a banner that if I was dry, I drank the
sw r e e test draught, and if hungry, I ate
the coarsest morsel with a double relish.
— Exchange.
Are Your Closets Yentilated ?
There is nothing so handy in a house
as an abundance of large, roomy closets;
but because they are handy and extreme
ly useful they are apt to be abused.
There are many things which, as a mat
ter of course, are always put into a closet,
of which the articles of outward wearing
apparel make a large part. There are
always things which ought not to go
into "the closet, i. e. ,'a closet adjoining or
closely connected with a living or sleep
ing room. Of such are all soiled under
garments, the wash clothes, which
siiould be put into a large bag for the
purpose, or a roomy basket, and then
placed in the wash-room or some other
well-aired room at some distance from
the family. Having thus excluded one
erf the fertile sources of bad oders in
closets, the next point is to see that the
closets are properly ventilated. It mat
ters not how clean the clothing in the
closet may be. Any garment after be
ing worn for a while will absorb more or
less of the exhalations which arise from
the body, and thus contain an amount of
foreign—it may be hurtful—matter
which free circulation of pure air can
soon remove; but if this is excluded, as
in many close closets, the effluvia in
creases, aud the clothes closets and ad
joining rooms in time possess an odor
that any acute sense of smell will readily
detect. Every closet in daily use in
which the night clothes are hung by day
and the day clothing by night, should
have an airing as well as the bed. If
the closet can be large enough to admit
of a window—and it is in some cases—
an ample prevision for sunlight and the
circulation of pure air is provided in the
window, which should be left open for a
short time each day. In the case of
small closets a ventilator could be put
over the door or even in it. In many
cases such precautions for pure clothing
are not practicable, and the next-best
thing is, to see that the door of the
closet is left open for a half hour or so
each day at that time when the windows
are thrown up and the large room is
purified with fresh air from out of doors.
In this way, first, by keeping out clothes
intended for the wash, and second, daily
changing of the air, the closets may be
kept comparatively pure.
INDIAN SPRING, GEORGIA. F &b , )7
Esqui—nr Carpentry.
The builder selects snow of the proper
consistency by sounding a drift with a
cane made for the purpose, of reindeer
horn, straightened by steaming, and
worked down to about half an inch in
diameter, with a ferule of walrus tusk oi
the tooth of a bear on the bottom. Bv
thrusting this into the snow he can tell
w hether the layers deposited by succes
sive winds are separated by bands of
soft snow, which would cause the blocks
to break. Wlien the snow is selected he
digs a pit to the depth of eighteen inches
or two feet, or about the length of the
snow block. He then steps into the pit
and proceeds to cut out the blocks by
first cutting down at the ends of the pit
and then at the bottom afterward, cut
ting a little channel about an inch or two
deep, making the thickness of the pro
posed block.
Now comes the part that requires
practice to accomplish successfully.
The expert will, with a few r thrusts of his
knife in just the right places, split off
the snow-block and lift it carefully out
to await removal to its position on the
wall. The tyro will almost inevitably
break the block into two or three pieces
utterly unfit for the use of the builder.
When two men are building an igloo,
one cuts the blocks and the other erects
the wall. When sufficient blocks have
been cut out to commence work with,
the builder marks with his ey e or per
haps draws a line with his knife describ
ing the circumference of the building,
usually a circle about ten or twelve feet
in diameter, The first row of blocks is
then arranged, the blocks placed so as
to incline inward and resting against
each other at the ends, thus affording
mutual support. When this row is com
pleted, the builder cuts away the first
and second blocks, slanting in from
the ground upward’ so that the second
tier, resting upon the first row, can be
continued on and around spirally, and
by gradually increasing the inward slant
a perfect dome is constructed of such
strength that the builder can lie flat
upon the outside while chinking the
interstices between the blocks. The
chinking is, however, usually done by
women and children as the building
progresses, and additional protection
secured from the winds in very cold
weather by banking up, with a large
wooden snow-shovel, the snow at the base
often being piled to the depth of three
or four feet. This makes the igloo per
fectly impervious to the wind in the
most tempestuous weather. When the
house is completed the builders are
walled in. Tiien a small hole about two
feet square is cut in the wall on the
side away from where the entrance is to
be located and is used to pass in the
lamps and bedding. It is then walled
up and the regular door cut about two
feet high and niched at the top. It
would bring bad luck to carry the bed
ding into the igloo by the same door it
would be taken out. Before the door is
opened the bed is constructed of snow
blocks, and made from one to three or
four feet high, and occupies three
fourtlis of the entire space. The higher
the bed and the lower tiie door the
warmer the igloo will be. —From an
Arctic Explorer's Reminiscences.
He Is an Ass.
If humanity continues as gullible as it
has shown itself in the last few years, we
shall advocate anew kind of school
primer in order that people may learn in
their childhood what you can’t beat into
some of them with a triphammer, even
when they are old enough to go to Con
gress.
One lesson we should advocate having
fixed up in something after this style:
“What is three card monte ?”
“It is a bad, bad game.”
“Who plays three card monte?”
“One man who looks like a farmer.
One man who looks like a new-school
philosopher. ”
“Can two play this game?”
“Yes, my child. Even four can play
at this game. ”
“What does the fourth man do?”
“He gets left, my child. He gets
badly left. He loses ail his money. He
pulls his hair and uses wicked words. ”
“Then the fourth man is an ass for
playing.”
“He is an ass.” —Wheclinp Leader.
The Difference.
Tennyson can take a worthless sheet
of paper and, by writing a poem on it,
make it worth §5,000. That’s Genius.
Mr. Vanderbilt can write fewer words on
a similar sheet and make it worth §50,-
000,000. That’s Capital. And the United
States can take an ounce and a quarter
of gold and stamp upon it an “Eagle
bird” and “Twenty Dollars.” That’s
Money. The mechanic can take the ma
terial worth fifty dollars and make it into
a watch worfti §IOO. That’s Skill. The
merchant can take an article worth
twentv-five cents and sell it to you for
§IOO. That’s Busines. A lady can pur
chase a comfortable bonnet for ten dol
lars, but prefers to pay §IOO for one, be
cause it is more stylish. That’s Foolish
ness, The ditch-digger works ten hours
a day, and shovels out three or four tons
of earth for one dollar. That’s luabor. —
Richmond State.
The California Horticulturist describes
wealthv man in that State, whose land,
free of debt, is worth §200,000. He lives
in a weather-beaten shanty in the midst
of his wheat fields, the barn-yard sur
rounding the house, the well 200 yards
in one direction, and the woodpile 200
vards in the other, with no fruit tree oi
flower in sight.
The paragraphers think there is little
probability of having clear weather in
the future, with Hazen doling it out.
Ben Mildvreed’s Idea.
A man named Ben Mildweed walked
into the office of a Justice of the Peace,
in Little Rock, and, taking off an old
slouch hat, addressed the dignified of
ficial :
“Are you the court?”
“I am. What is your trouble?” Ben
betrayed agitation in the nervous man
ner with which he fingered his old hat.
“Jedge, Nancy, my gal, hez bin run
ning around with two or three men lately,
and liez caused me a heap of oneasi
ness.”
“Come to the point, Mr. Mildweed,”
suggested the court.
“You hear my story, Jedge. I’m sot
in my ways, and I’ll get tliar quicker by
running my own furrow down this patch
of trouble.”
The Justice settled his feet comfortably
on the table, and looked resignedly at
Mr. Mildweed, who continued:
“Naucy is the purtiest calico in Rich
woods, and we hez hitched for three
ye’rs, not spliced, you know, but waitin’
for me to buy a little borne. The men
down to the settlement are jealous be
cause Nancy sot up to me, and they hang
'round like blackbirds in a corn-patch.”
Ben hitched up his pants and seemed re
luctant to continue. “Now, Nancy is a
good gal, and her black eyes has fotclied
me, like churnin’ fotches butter, an’ she
ken mako me a good man or a bad man
for her sake. But, Jedge, she knows it,
and laughs and carries on with Bill Peters
when I’m ’round. She goes to camp
meetin’ with Hez Spilkins, when I have
told her a hundred times that he was a
low-flung fellow, aud she aggravates me
terrible. ”
“Come to the point, Ben,” said the
Court impatiently, lifting one leg over
the other.
“I’m gettin’ thar, your honor. Now,
old Uncle Marsh Turner and I have
talked this matter over, and he ses thet
Nancy liesn’t any attachment for me.
Thet like to broke my heart, Jedge, I’ll
swow it did. Ses Uncle Marsh, ‘Ben’
ses lie, ‘liev you got an attachment fer
Nancy?’ ‘Yes, Uncle Marsh,’ ses I,
‘most powerful.’ ‘Hez she fer you?’ ses
he. ‘l’m dubious, uncle,’ ses I. ‘Ben,’
ses he, solemnly, ‘ef she can’t luv you
with her whole hart, drap her like a hot
cake. Ef she hesn’t an attachment fer
you thet is strong, and true, and honest,
drap her. You’ll be mis’able, boy. I’m
an old man, Ben, and when I sees a
young man hev an attachment fer a gal,
and she hesn’t fer him as strong, I says
to myself, they is foolish. They hadn’t
ought to splice.’ ”
“Your honor,” continued Mr. Mild
weed, ‘ ‘arter Uncle Marsh ses all this to
me, I goes off and thinks. I concludes
that he is right, and now I hev come to
the point. I saddled the old brown mare,
and put some bacon and corn-bread in
the Saddle-bags, and started fer Little
Rock. I comes straight to you, Jedge,
and I want you to make out an attach
ment fer Nancy to me. I knows that the
courts can make attachments, and I don’t
care what it costs. Jest you make out
the papers, and I’ll make the old brown
mare do some of the tallest traveling
gettin’ back to Nancy thet you ever saw.
Well, why don’t you begin, Jedge?”
“The courts don’t make love attach
ments,” said the Court, taking its legs
from the table.
“I don’t care what it costs, Jedge.”
“You have had a long trip for nothing,
Ben; it can’t be done.”
Ben pulled his hat over his eyes, wiped
a trickling drop from his cheek, and
walked slowly toward the door, mutter
ing:
‘ ‘l’ll go hev the brown mare fed and
study about it. I thought as how the
court mouglithave done it,” and then he
stepped from the Justice’s door as if Nan
cy was lost to him forever. —Little Rock
Gazette.
The Diet Fiend.
There is the man who has made up his
mind to keep his health good by eatiDg
the right sort of food in proper quantities
and with the right kind of mastication.
Resolution sits upon his brow, his eyes
turn scornfully upon his fellow men and
he deliberately and with malice afore
thought sits with superbly folded arms
in the restaurant, painfully working his
mouth, as if he were a type of Samp
son’s celebrated jawbone engaged in the
duty of slaying a bit of brown bread.
He becomes a nuisance to his landlady,
or his wife; he buys fish, which he eats
for his brains, and struggles in the morn
ing with harsh oatmeal and sour baked
apples, chewing, chewing, chewing,
while casting contemptuous glances
around upon the disgusted people whc
are not so good and are not going to be
so healthy as he is to be. He even turns
his toes out, abhors butter, and walks
on the side of the street which is the
healthiest. His children receive no
candy, and his wife only receives a scold
ing because she does not live up to the
laws of health. He becomes pale, fretful
and morose, and says of a healthy man,
“He lives for his stomach,” while he is
dying for his. —New York Herald.
A cretaceous chalk, which the natives
carves into grotesque figures of men and
animals, occurs on the Polynesian islands
of New Britain and New Ireland (about
latitude ford- degrees south, longitude
130 degrees east), and some specimens
have been sent to England by the Rev.
G. Brown, a Wesleyan missionary to that
region. “The chalk of which the fig
ures are formed,” he writes “is, I am in
formed, found only on the beech after
an earthquake, being cast up there in
large pieces by the tidal wave; and only,
so far as we know at present, in one dis
trict on the east side of New Ireland. ”
An aualysis, made at Newcastle-on-Tyne,
shows that the substance is not as pure
a limestone as ordinary white chalk.
SUBSCRIPTION--SI.SQ.
NUMBER 25.
PITH AND POINT.
A finished performer—The dead act
or.
Rear and for bear—Bruin and his din
ner.
A hollow cost—Tko cost of a penny
whistle.
Cold schnapps are appreciated by
Dutchmen.
Firemen, as well as other people, like
to talk of their old flames.
“I wotfLD like to die to-night,” pens
a poet, for once coming into sympathy
with the people.
Actors have to face the music—that
is, the music of the orchestra—and some
of it is very bad.
“Well, wife, you can’t say I ever
contracted bad habits.” “ No, sir; you
generally expanded them. ”
“What I wants ter know,” said an
Arkansas school-board official, “is how
a river’s mouf is gwine ter be bigger dan
its head. ”
A man who is as true as steel, possess
ing an iron will, some gold and a fair
proportion of brass, should be able to
endure the hardware of this world.
“Why don’t England sit down on
Ireland?” asks an exchange. For the
same reason a man with a boil don’t
care to sit down on it too carelessly.—
Galveston News.
A* Philadelphia quack informs the
public that he is not exclusive : “Da
patient wants it gentle and mild I’m a
homeopath, and when anybody wants
thunder and lightning I’m an allopath.”
Greedy grocer (to farmer’s wife who
is supplying him with butter) —“ This
pun’ o’ butter is ow r er licht, glide wife.”
Gudewife—“Blame yersel’, then ; I
weighed it wi’ the pun’ o’ sugar I gat
frae ye yestreen.”
“What have you been drinking or
eating?” exclaimed his wife, as he re
turned late at night. “ Liquor ish !” he
responded, and then he winked at liim
self in the dark, and breathed thin till
she got asleep.
‘ ‘ Why don’t you put the tooth-picks
on the table ?” asked a guest at a Gal
veston hotel, after ho had finished his
dinner. ‘ ‘ Because, after you used one
yesterday, you didn’t put it back in the
saucer,” responded the new waiter.—
Galveston News.
The late Rev. Dr. Symington, not
feeling well one Sunday morning, said
to his beadle who was a “character:”
“ Man Robert, I wish you would preach
for me to-day.” “I canna do that,”
promptly replied Robert; “but I often
pray for you.”
A Cleveland boy was asked by liis
teacher if he did not “ want to be an
angel and with the angels stand.” Said
the boy ; “I would rather stand here
until after Christmas, and see if Santa
Claus does not bring me a top and a
new sled.”
A bright little girl was urging her
mother to go up stairs and hear her say
her prayers before retiring. Her mother,
not finding it convenient, told her that
Jesus could hear it just as well. “ But,
mother,” replied the little doubter,
“Jesus can’t turn off the gas.”
A cute little 5-year-old, whose par
ents were connected with the Presby
terian church, said: “Mamma, was
Christ a Jew?” “Yes, dear,” replied
the mother. “Well, that’s strange,
now, isn’t it, mamma, when his father,
God, was a Presbyterian ? ”
“Man alive,” exclaimed the Judge, in
a heated discussion of a tangled theo
logical point with his friend, “I tell
you, you are a free agent. You do not
have to obey any one. ” “ Yes,” said Mr,
Goodman, meekly, “but I do though.”
“ Who? ” shouted the Judge. “ Who?”
“My wife, her tiro sisters, and the
baby,’’ howled the good man, meekly
triumphant.
A Story of Tom Ochiltree.
Jem Mace, the celebrated prize-fighter,
once spent a winter in New Orleans. He
used to amuse himself and his admirers
by betting the drinks with them that
they could not hit him—they to do their
best to hit him, and he simply to ward
off the blows. Tom Ochiltree, of Texas,
who has gained considerable reputation
from his intimacy with General Grant,
and perhaps even more reputation from
the fast running horse which was named
after him, happened to be in New Or
leans during the winter. Some of Ochil
tree’s friends told him of Mace’s favorite
bet. Ochiltree is a short, thick-set, pow
erfully-built man. His hail is just red
enough to indicate a fiery temper. As
soon as he was told of Mace’s bet he
fired up and said he would bet the crowd
a champagne supper that he could hit
Jem Mace. The bet, of course, was taken
at once, and the whole party started
out in search of Mace. He was easily
found in a neighboring drinking saloon.
Mace was standing at the bar in the
act of taking a drink. Ochiltree stepped
quietly up beside him, and hit him sud
denly a stinging blow on the cheek.
Mace quietly placed his glass on the bar,
and, scarcely moving his body, brought
his right hand up and struck Ochiltree a
fearful blow just under one ear. His
friends rushed to him, gathered him up,
and carried him to the nearest hotel.
Doctors were sent for in a great hurry,
and after two or three hours of hard
work they succeeded in bringing Ochil
tree back to this earth. He was confined
to his room in the hotel for three weeks,
however. When he finally reappeared
he was forced fco furnish the champagne
supper. Some of his friends said to him:
4 ‘ What in the world made you such a
blanked fool as to hit Jem Mace?”
“Why,” said Ochiltree. “I thought I
would just tap him without his knowl
edge and would then explain to him ”