The Southwest Georgian. (Fort Gaines, Clay County, Ga.) 1912-1948, February 16, 1912, Image 2

The Southwest Georgian., February 16, 1912, Image 2

About The Southwest Georgian. (Fort Gaines, Clay County, Ga.) 1912-1948 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 16, 1912)

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Newspaper Page TextJohn Henry Gets A Plenty By GEORGE V. HOBART Since Uncle Peter Grant wn elect ed mayor of Ruraldene our family group considers It extremely disloyal to stay In the big town for more than four hours at a time. So with us it is a case of catching those imitation rail road trains at all sorts of hours and •ommute to beat the band. Since I became a confirmed com muter I hare sprained three watches and two of my lege trying to catch trains that are wild enough to dodge a dog-catcher. The commuters are divided into two clgseee: Going and coming. One of the first rules for a com muter to follow after ho locates the railroad station, and hikes there a cou ple of times to get In training, is to get a red and pink and blue hammock. A hammock is a necessary evil in the country, because only by this means can the insects become ac quainted with the new commuter. The day after we first put up our now hammock Uncle Peter came rub bering around to look it over. He was all swelled up over being elected mayor, and be dropped in the ham mock with a splash. Ten seconds later the rope exploded and Uncle Peter made a deep Impression on the stone porch. Every mosquito in the neighborhood rushed to his assistance and tried to lift him up with their teeth. Then Uncle Peter ran home and told Aunt Martha that Cinders, our bulldog, had tried to bite him. The national emblem of the com muter is the lawn-mower. The lawn-mower was Invented orig inally for the purpose of giving the lawn a quick shave, and because it can't talk like a barber it makes a noise like the fall of Port Arthur. I remember the first day I decided I would trim the Vandyke beard on our lawn. Os course I got all mine, and I got it good. The result will always live in history side by side with the battle of Gettysburg. The lawn-mower was sleeping peacefully in the barn when I rushed In and dragged It shrlekingly from its slumbers. Perhaps it was because I forgot to lather the lawn, but any way it was the hardest shave 1 ever had anything to do with. The lawn-mower began to com pinin so loudly that the neighbors for mllen around rushed to the rock pile and armed themselves for the fray. The committee of citizens attracted by the screams of the lawn-mower came over to see if I was killing a member of the family or only a dis tant relative. When they saw me boxing the ears of a stubborn lawn-mower they said my punishment was heavy enough, so they threw away the lynching rope and left me at the post. Clara J. came out on tha porch and ■aid. “John, perhaps that lawn-mower would stop screaming if you used a * HtU* axis grease!" "All right." 1 cams back at her, “but it will take mean hour and a half to find out which part of the lawn mower will fit the axle grease ” Then I lifted the machinery up to examine its constitution and by-laws, and about two and a half pounds of wrought iron fell off and landed on my instep. Tha wrought iron made good. Then I tried to stand on the other foot, but I lost my balance and fell on the lawn-mower's third rail. 1 never was so mortified tn my life as when that lawn-mower began to saw its initials on my shin bones. Every time 1 tried to get up I lost my balance, and every time I lost my balance the lawn mower would leap up in the atr and fall on my wish bone. When loving hands finally pulled us apart 1 was two doors and a half be low unconsciousness, while the lawn mower had recovered its second wind and was wagging its tall with excite ment. After waiting for about ten minutes for me to come back in the ring, the lawn-mower got Impatient and began to bark at me in Yiddish, so I decided that our lawn could grow whiskers like a Populist farmer and be hanged to it. Another splendid bit of local color tn the life of some commuters is the subway. A ride through this on a hot day will put you over on Woosey ave nue quicker than a No. 9 pill in Hop Loo’s smoke factory. In order to get out to Ruraldene I have to use the subway, and every time I use it it leaves something which looks like the mark of Caln across my brow. The first day I went through that tunnel will always remain one of my hottest memories. I lost nine pounds of solid flesh somewhere between my shoulder blade and the outskirts. The sensation Is the same as a Bad Man’s hereafter. Including the sulphur. First I choked up a little, then I coughed, then I Stirred uneasily, and then I looked out the window and prayed for the daylight, and then I looked at my newspaper, but I couldn’t read it, because the railroad company had found the gas bill pretty heavy last month and they were cutting down expenses. Then I lost my breath, and when I got it back I found it wasn’t mine. Then I began to fan myaelf with my hat, but I stopped when the man behind me began kicking because I was handing him more than his just share of the subway gas. Then I began to choke up again, and then I coughed, and then I could feel something fat and mysterious playing hide and go seek around my brain, but outside all was black as Ink, and only from the noise could I tell that the road was still paying divi dends. The air began to get close and thick like a porterhouse steak in a St Louis hotel. I began to breathe like my wife cro chets an open-faced stocking—one, two, three, drop one; one, two, three, four, drop one. Then my blood began to curdle and cold chills ran up my back and liked it so well they ran down again. My respiration was 8 to 1, my in spiration was 9 to 8 for a place, and my perspiration was like a cloud burst. I had made my will with a few men tai and Indian reservations, and was choking up for the last time when, with ot|e mighty jump forward, the train shook itself tree from the sub way and once more we were out in the sunlight. After picking enough sulphur off my clothes to make a box of matches, I reached gently over and tried to put the window up, but it was closed tighter than the front door when a collector calls. I gave the window-sash a couple of upper cuts and a few short-a rm punches, but it sat there and laughed in my face. The guard came through, and 1 spoke to him about the window. He said, "The first time I see the preei dent of the road I’ll tell him about it!" and left me flat Once more I tried to open that win dow, but I only succeeded In opening my collar; so then I opened my mouth and made a short but spicy announce ment, whereupon the old lady in the seat ahead of me got up and left the ca r. Just then the train pulled into a sta tion which I hadn't paid for, but I went out and took it. because it con tained a little fresh air. . Some day I will mention the name of this subway company and make it blush. Meantime you may have one guess. Well, after I left Bunch that after noon. I ducked for the depot, and reached Ruraldene just in time to wit ness the beginning of a most painful episode. The house was lighted up from cel lar to attic. As soon as 1 opened the door I found our respected mayor, Uncle Peter, and he was also lit up. "It’s a surprise, Johnny,” he whis pered hoarsely. "Clara J. is giving an entertainment for the benefit of the Christian Soldiers’ league, and it's going to cost you two dollars to come into your own house.” It made an awful hit with Uncle Peter to see me cough up those two bones, but I said nothing and made good. My wife called It a muslcale, but to me it looked more like a fight. With the help of Aunt Martha and Alice Grey, my wife arranged the pro gram and kept It dark to surprise the rest of the family. It was such a surprise to me that I felt like doing a glide to the wood lands. It was my second experience with a musicale, and this one cured me all right. For awhile everybody sat around and sized up what everybody else was wearing. Then they gave each other ths silent double-cross. Presently my wife whispered to Miss Cleopatra Hungerschnltz, where upon that young lady giggled her way over to the piano and began to knock its teeth out. The way Cleopatra went after one of Beethoven’s sonatas and slapped Ite ears was pitiful. Cleopatra learned to Injure a piano at a conservatory of music, and she Two and a Half Pounds of Iron Land ed on My Instep. could take a fugo by Victor Hugo and leave it for dead in about thirty-two bars. At the finish of the sonata we all applauded Cleopatra just as loudly as we could, in the hope that she would faint with surprise and stop playing; but no such luck. She tied a couple of chords together and swung that piano like a pair of In dian clubs. First she did "My Old Kentucky Home," with variations, until every body who had a home began to weep for fear It might get to be like her Kentucky home. The variations were where she made a mistake and struck the right note. Then Cleopatra moved up to the squeaky end of the piano and gave an imitation of a Swiss music box. It sounded to me like a Swiss cheese. Presently Cleopatra ran out of raw material and subsided, while we all applauded her with our fingers crossed, and two very thoughtful la dles began to talk fast to Cleopatra so as to take her mind off the piano. Then the Bingledlngle brothers, known as Oscar and Victor, opened fire on us with a couple of mandolins. Oscar and Victor play entirely by hand. They don't know one note from another, and they can prove it when they begin to play. Their mother believes them to be prodigies of genius. She is alone in her belief. After Oscar and Victor had chased one of Sousa's marches all over the parlor and finally left it unconscious under the sofa, they bowed and ceased firing, and then they went out in the dining-room ar.d filled their storage batteries with ice cream and cake. This excitement was followed by an other catastrophe named Minnehaha Jones, who picked up a couple of so prano songs and screeched them at us. Minnehaha is one of those fearless singers who vocalize without a safety valve. She always keeps her eyes closed, so she can't tell just when her audience gets up and leaves the room. The next treat was a mixed duet on the flute and trombone between Clar ence Smith and Lancelot Diffenberger, with a violin obligato on the side by Hector Tompkins. Never before have I seen music so roughly handled. It looked like a walk-over for Clar ence, but in the fifth round he blew a couple of green notes and Lancelot got the decision. Then, for a consolation prixe. Hec tor was led out In the middle of the room, where he assassinated Mascag ni's Cavallerfa Rusticana so thorough ly that it will never to able to enter a fifty-cent table d'hote restaurant again. Then Cornucopia Coognn arose and gave us a few select recitations. Just as she started to tell us that Curfew would not ring tonight Uncle Peter winked at me, and we sneaked out and began to drown our sorrow. Those musicales would be all to the good if the music didn't suffocate them. fCopyrlght by G. W. Dillingham Co.) TOO MANY SMITHS Senate Clerk Cannot Call the Roll, as in Olden Times. There Are Big Smiths and Little Smiths, and Smiths From Nearly Every Section of the Country In the Chamber. Washington.—Time was when the reading clerk of the senate called the roll of senators and shouted "Mr. Smith” just as he called the names of other senators. If he called “Mr Smith” in a session of the senate now five senators would respond, provided all the Smiths who are entitled to vote were present. The largest of the senate Smiths is Hoke Smith of Georgia, who weighs over 260 pounds and la more than six feet tall. The smallest of the five is probably Senator John Walter Smith of Maryland, but it is just as well not to ask him about it. The latest enumeration of Smiths in the senate shows the following result: Hoke Smith of Georgia, John Walter Smith of Maryland, Ellison Durant Smith of South Carolina, all Demo crats, and William Aiden Smith of Michigan, Republican. Marcus Aure lius Smith of Arizona, another Demo crat. Marcus Aurelius is some Smith and will measure almost as many Inches from head to toe as does Hoke Smith of Georgia. Os the five Smiths now in the sen ate three are lawyers, Hoke Smith, William Alden Smith and Marcus Smith, while one, John Alden Smith, Is a merchant, and the fourth, Ellison D. Smith, a farmer. When the clerk of the senate calls the roll of senators he names the Smiths as follows: “Mr. Smith of Michigan,” or "Mr. Smith of Georgia,” always adding the name of the state. The oldest of the Smiths is John Walter, who will soon be 67, and the youngest Is Ellison of South Carolina, who was 45 In August. When William Alden Smith of Mich igan served in the house there were two other Smiths from the same state, so he came over to the senate. Turning to the Congressional Direct ory for Information concerning the five Smiths, one finds that Senator Hoke Smith requires but seven lines to recount bis life history, v. hile El lison D. requires 25 lines to explain how he came to the senate. William Alden Smith started life as a newsboy and sold popcorn in the streets of Detroit to support his mother. John Walter Smith of Maryland grew wealthy in the lumber business. Marcus Aurelius Smith, the senate’s latest acquisition, is Kentucky born, but early in life discovered that there were enough Smiths in that state with out him and moved to Arizona. Each and every one of the Smiths in the senate contends that the senate would be better off if more members of the family belonged to it. ACQUISITION OF WIRELESS URGED Four hundred and eighty-eight ocean passenger steamships in the United States have complied with the wire less ship act, according to the report of the commissioner of navigation. One hundred and forty-two other ves sels in this country have voluntarily equipped with wireless. The total num ber of merchant vessels in the world equipped with wireless is now 1,013. It is suggested that the United States government should control all wireless stations in the country, now operated by four or five corporations. On this point the report says: “In the light of experience, it is probable that if we had now to meet at the beginning the question of land telegraph lines, the United States would have assumed the ownership and operation of them as other na tions have done. If it should be deem ed desirable for the government of the United States to acquire the same ownership and control of wireless sta tions within its limits which other na tions have acquired virtually from the outset, that result can be brought about with adequate consideration for all bona fide investments of individuals, at much less cost and with much less disturbance to the established order of things now than in the course of a few years." The commissioner also recommends that the United States make provision to give American ships free use of the Panama canal. VENEZUELA HUNTER'S PARADISE. Ralph Totten, recently consul of the United States at Maracaigo, Vene zuela, thinks that Venezuela is the greatest hunting ground in the world. Mr. Totten has been appointed to Trieste, Austria, and stopped In Wash ington on hla way to his post He says: "It has always bee* a source of wonder to me that more Americans fond of hunting have not gone to Venezuela, where, along the Amazon and in the vicinity of Lake Maracaibo, more varieties of wild birds and small game can be found than perhaps any other place on earth. So far as I know, there have been only two Americans who have hunted in that country. One of them was Caspar Whitney, the naturalist and writer, who went there to kill a jaguar—a species of the tiger family. "The jaguar Is probably one of the most powerful members of the cat family. He has tremendous strength In his forelegs, and with a stroke of hfs paw can kill an ox There are all varieties of the wildcat family tn Venezuela, and they can be tound al 888888888888 8 85 8888«KKKKKKg m American Importer | g Gives Interesting § | Cigar Information | I< a I s < IK > I g § v Residents in the Far East learn some things ft that save them money. A smoker loves a good g g cigar; so do we, and found on our return to g 8 Georgia that we could bring to America a cigar K 8 to retail for 10c that equals cigars sold at 15c ft ■ and 20c each. We now handle this cigar, also a cigar retailing for 5c that smokers tell us are g equal to any 10c American selling cigar. g We don’t ask you to take our word for the 8 g quality of the cigar we import; we will tell you 8 8 the names of our cigars, and the stores handling ft 8 them. Invest a nickel or a dime and enjoy a ft good cigar that you can smoke right up to your g ft lips. Convince yourself. g ft 8 ft Tr y our: . . 85 g Manila Perf ectos, 10c straight. g g Manila Perferidos, 10c or 3 for 25c. g 8 High Life in the East, 5c straight. 8 g Sold by: g g T. M. Brown, Grocer, Fort Gaines. g W L. P. Brown, “ “ “ 8 8 Hancock & Peterson, “ “ ft W E. P. Ort, Grocer, “ “ ft ft City Drug Store, “ “ g g Peoples Drug Store, “ “ g g E. W. Kiliingsworth, Zetto. g 8 ft § CAMPKIN IMPORTING COMPANY » g FORT GAINES, GEORGIA g ft Trade Supplied Through Jobbers. ft 835888888888888888888888888 8 8 Will/ • x wWJ ohn S This Town, Returns to the ,IW JI • O If tmc I L Wk « W ^ me d i® W he had to open I I ■ A thrift *° A hi* bu» oes * *° of the be written about yOU? Start a bank account to-day Young Man, The world lies before you. You can be a millionaire just as well as the local man about whom the above was written. A bank account is the first step. Start today. The smallest opening de posit is heartily welcomed at this bank. Deposits Are Insured Against Loss From Any Cause. Union Savings Bank J. E. PETERSON, President and Cashier W. T. CREDILLE, Vice President H. L. MOBLEY, As?t Cash. 88888888 CAPITAL $30,000.00 Officers and Directors: