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VOL. I.
THE CABINET
Is published every Saturday, by P. L.
110 BINS ON, fVarrenton , Geo. at
three dollars per annum , ivhich maybe
discharged by two dollars and fifty
cents if paid within sixty days of the
tune of subscribing.
Select Tales.
JONAH ELDERBERRY, ESQ
AND TIIE DISAPPOINTED OLD
MAIDS
on love in a mist.
Iti a small village lived Miss Brig
ct and Miss Dorothy. The villagers
were apt to call them, when speaking
of them, Mrs.; but in retaining the
prefixed Miss, I have the sanction of’
their own invariable custom; and
surely they had a right to decide on
their own appellation.
These two old maids had long been
the stockfish of the village. They
were a sort of landmarks, and were
supposed, by the juveniles of the
place, to be coeval with the market
cross. That this, however, was not
the case, appeareth from the regis
ter of the parish church.
We can most truly and seriously
assure our readers, that the sin of old
maidenhood did not lie at the door of
either of these ladies. On the contra
ry, their efforts to divorce themselves
from. cclibicy had been numberless.
The learned professions had encoun
tered a full display of their charms.
Two successive vicaes had obtained
dispensations, and left to the curates
the cure of souls.
Two curates were married men.
Two succeeding ones had resigned
their situation. The Ollapods and
Brief wits were bescigcd iti vain.
One by one if the apothecaries eva
porated, and the attorneys would not
plead, though their was every chance
of an ‘0 yes’ from the respondents.
Fate at length directed to the viN
lage Jonah Elderberry; Esq., a
younger son‘s younger son, Who re
tired in the fifty eighth year of his
age, on a gold beaded cane and a life
annuity of one hundred and nineteen
pounds, odd shillings, odd pence, tli
bequest of an old aunt; for whom J •
nail had invented a tooth powder
equally choice and cheap. Jonah El
derberry* Esq. was a little man, ami
a great beau; (on his arrival in the
vicinity of the two spinsters, he wis
called the beau with two strings.)
lie wore a little wig, very neat, and
always appeared in a cltwamdn-col
oil red coat, and a faded apple-bloom
complexion, lie carried age well;
he also carried, on damp days, a
small silk umbrella with an ivory
handle. lie wore silk stockings with
long clocks, and being inside of the
clocks, he was sometimes called Bell
hammer, which accounts for his Seek
ing harmony with the two spinsters
—They heard of the name given him,
and changed it to Bel amour.
To Mr. Elderberry, accordingly,
both ladies laid siege. They be
seiged him, in hopes that he would
beseech them; but each flattered her
self with the hope of being the lucky
she, and of disappointing the other.
This was a powerful by-motive, for
they were bosom friends. However,
Mr. Elderberry’s conduct was suf
ficiently ambiguous—not that he fail
ed in paying the most decided atten
tions to either lady—on the contrary,
be was equally assiduous to both; and
here was the mischief. So equally
did he divide himself, that he ran a
chance of being cut dead, a castro
phy which was only prevented by
the scarcity of bachelors in the vil
lage. To recur once more to th
clock—which is making the most ot
time—he was like a pendulum so im
Rural Cabinet.
i partial were ms vibrations uetween
the ‘two parties.’
At length, however it appeared
that things were coming to a crisis.
M iss Dorothy had had super natural’
indications that something was going
to come. For three several mornings,
the coftVegrounds had given myste i
rious hints; bridecake appeared in
her dreams, and cradles boun ed
fro m tli o ft re; Th erindofan or an ge
thrown over her shoulder arranged it
itself in a true love-knot. Th it of a
turnip, to be sure, had represented ani
II; and why might not Elderberry
be spelt with tliat letter? and even if
it were not the first letter of Elder
berry, it was certainly the last of Jo
nah.
On the morning of the fourth day
came a little flourish on the kn icker,
at the door of Miss Dorothy’s dwell
ing, and a single knock by way of
peroration, a sort of miniature town
knock, or London rap in a consump
tion. The door opened, and Miss
Dorothy’s handmaid announced Mr.
Elderberry. So ‘enter Jonah.’
There was something more of con
straint in Miss Dorothy’s manner
than usual as she motioned Mr. El
derberry to a chair; a degree of con
sciousness which looks very well at
sixteen; but it is, perhaps, reversed,
when the figures are reversed. This
something, it has no name in the liv
ing tongue, was not, however, confin
ed to the spinster. It seemed even
still more to occupy and overwhelm
the bachelor. Several a-hems. lu>
formation given and received on tii.it
recondite subject, the state of the
weather.
• Lap dog very well?’
‘Lap dog not very well, sick of a
sui feit, occasioned by eating too ma
ny stewed oysters, poor dear thing.’
‘Friend Miss Bi iget very well?’
‘M iss Bridget quite well.
So passed half an hour.
- At the expiration of this period, the
conversation, after a sort of Rubicon
like pause, was renewed.— V new
key was touched; and a mystery un-
I irked.
.[ have ventured to wait on Miss
Dorothy in consequence of—if— * a
period or full stop.
‘No need of assigning any cause,
vir Elderberry’s visits are always
acceptable!’
Very good—-very kind—very kind
indeed. But the occasion of my pro
serit visit is one of so peculiar a na
ture, one in which my happiness is s >
materially a subject, that my dear
Miss D >rothy must excuse any want
>f connexion in detail of what it is iin
possible, perhaps, explicitly to de
tail.’
*[ believe—l think—-l imagine-—I
understand your meaning, sir. Beg
you will compose yourself.’
‘Then, madam, this—this—the at
tachment of which ( would speak, you
are acquainted with!’
‘I confess, Mr. Elderberry, to
shew you the frankness with which 1
Mean —with which it is my wish to
speak, I own l have suspected it. Be
qoict Cupid.’
The last words where spoken to
•he lap dog, and not to Mr. Elder
berry.
‘And may I then venture —may I
hope— -that this too, too tender pen
chant of my heart for one of the
most deserving of her sex, merits
Miss Dorothy’s approbation? if so,
•ny happiness will he complete,’
‘Sir, I protest. lam not prepared
Cupid, I say, hmv you tease me! I
in not at this moment capable; my
.gitation is such—prdon me, sir.*
‘H ow kind,* said Mr. Elderberry,
iow compassionate! Yet forgiveme
Warrenton, June 21, 1828.
it i cannot leave iiis pi.ice without,
knowing the sentiments of one whose
judgment is so paramount,*
T c maiden sighed, sidled, bridled,
looked amiable, and said, ‘Sir, if
you will take advantage of my agita
tion, I do own your merit req tires
it. Your proposal has my concur- i
rence.* )
‘I am the happiest of men*’ ex
claimed the lover, *Y mr approbation
only was wanting to perfect my fe
licity; without that 1 could not have
ventured to complete the union, dear
as it is to my heart- ’
‘Of course not!* said the lady,
whom this singular truism rather a
mazed!
‘Forgive me, madam, if I now leave
you—you know a lover*s feelings, and
1 must hasten to expedite matters.’
And the gentleman Vanished, leav
ing M iss 1) irotliy astonished, that he j
should be in such haste to procure the
license before the wedding day was
fixed.
An hour had not elapsed when
Miss Bridget was announced. She
was introduced to her friend's dress
ingroom.
•My and ear Dorothy, who do you
think lias just left me? Ah! I see
you guess; but of course you must,—
he told me he had just left you.’
‘lf you mean Mr Elderberry, my
dear friend, certainly it is not long
since he was here.*
•Y* s 1 know lie lias opened it all to
you; lie told me he had.*
•Indeed! he wos in a great hurry to
inpart his tidings. Yet lie seems so
happy, one cannot hut pardon him.’
* Weil, mi y love, you know l have a
favour to beg, which l am sure you
will rrot refus ! our friendship will
insure its being granted.*
‘1 think I guess,’ replied Miss Dor
othy; *wcll but speak, my dear.’
‘Why, you know, there must be a
bride’s ms id on this occasion.’
‘Precisely wha! 1 was thinking of. ’
‘N \v 1 should he very happy, my
dear Dorothy —’
‘Alt! I understand you; yes, my
dear trie ml, you certainly, in prefer
ence to every other, sh ill be my
bride’s mded.’
Yoar bridc‘s maid! Miss D irothy?’
‘Certainly, i promise it to you.’
♦Oil! that is when you are in trried:
yes, then, certainly, y u shall return
ne the coin’>l i neat!*
AYhen I aid married! My dear
Bridget, you are bewildered. D.d
not you just ask to accompany ine as
my bride‘B maid?’
‘When! Where! what do you mean?’
cried the bewildered Bridget.
‘Madam, this is no jesti igj natter, I
assure you; l look on your conduct as
unfriendly.*
‘Madam, your conversation is un •
intelligible—is strange —unaccount-
able; in a word, do yon wish to appear
as my friend on my approaching un
ion with Mr. Elderberry, or not?’
‘Your union, ma‘aio!*
‘Yes ma‘am! Mr. Elderberry has,
as you know, this morning made pro
posals— ’
‘Yes, to ine;’ interrupted Miss Dor
othy.
‘Did you nit say he told you of it?*
His affection for me, he certainly
told me he had, though, without con
sulting me, informed you of: a liberty
which I overlooked in him at the
time. Had he known that 1 was to
be thus insulted, he would have plac
ed his confidence elsewhere.’
♦Woman! it is false!* exclaimed
Miss Dorothy, unable to suppress the
to rr**nt of her rage.
You! marry you! retorted the other,
you old—you ugly wretch!
Gome along this instant, come a-
long! screamed Dorothy, and scizinS
her Quondam friend by the arm, sh e
dragged her away.
The chair in which Miss Bridget
had arrived was at the door—into it
they both got; they were not very
corpulent and tho vehicle was of easy
dimensions.
To Mr. Elderberry‘s! and to Mr*
they were carried.
Toe honour of this visit not a little
surprised tho gentleman in question,
who was arranging a quantity of
white kid gloves, with who'll his ta
ble was covered.
Mr. Elderberry, you did me the
honour of a visit this mornirfg, said
M iss Dorothy, smoothing down her
features as much us in her lay.
1 had certainly that felicity; and
never, mad tin, did a visit at your
dwelling confer more pleasure.
Y hi sjioke, sir of—of—an intention
—a desired—on your part, Isay—de
sired union.
Desired ma*am, I trust, nay, I
know, on both sides.
Indeed , sir,* with a toss; may I in
quire, for the satisfaction of my friend
and myself, the present name of the
future Mrs; Elderberry.
Are you not acquainted with it? ex
claimed the astonished ba helor. I
understood as much this morning,
when 1 waited to gain your approval
of the intended event; that is, of my
marriage with iny beloved Mary
Murray.
M iry Murray! vile deceiver, ex
claimed Miss Bridget.
Mary Murray! you basest of men!
exclaim'd Miss Dorothy.
O Dorothy! O Bridge 1 ! deceived,
betrayed, undone! wept, sobbed, and
said both Indies in concert.
Mr. Elderberry, did you not this
morning ask me if 1 were acquainted
with your attachment!’
To Mary, I did; I went to acquaint
you and afterwards Miss Bridget,
with the circumstance; by each I was
told you were already acquainted
with it-
Thc ladies were dumfounded. The
question of approbation they had con
strued as a question of acceptance.
Their h ipes were ruined, and the
bachelor lost. They departed, were
reconcic/d, and joined hatred to the
new couple. They went home, Miss
Bridget to fondle her cat, Miss Dor
othy'to vent her bpleen upon Cupid.
Deny every thing and insist upon proof.
Lawyer Acmoody (said our vener
able friend) figuered at th* bar in Es
sex county, Massachusetts, some
thing like a half century ago; he bad
a student named Varnum* who hav
ing just completed his studies, was
journeying to a distant town in com
pany with his master. Acmoody ob
served to his student—Varnum, you
have now been with me three years
and finished your studies; but there is
one important part of a lawyer‘B
practice of great consequence that I
have never mentioned. What is that?
inquired the studeht, I will tell it,
replied Acmoody, provided you will
pay expenses at the next tavern.
The student re©<l; and Acmoody
imparted the maxim at the head of
this article; The supper, &c. were
procured; and on preparing to set
off from the tavern, Acmoody remind
ed Varnuni that, he had engaged to
pay the bill —l deny every thing and
insist upon proof, retorted Yarn urn.-
The joke was So good, that Acmoody
concluded it best to pay the bill him
self.
A dancer said ‘ You cannot stand
on one leg as long as I,*—‘ No t * but
a goose can.’
No. 4.
