Newspaper Page Text
The Montgomery Monitor.
D. C. SUTTON, Editor aud Prop’r.
DR, TALMACE'S SERMON.
LAUGHTER OF THE BIBLE.
Text: “Then was our mouth filled with
laughter.’’—Psalm, cxxvi 3. “Ho that
sitteth in tho heavens shall laugh.”—Psalm
ii. 4.
Thirty-eight times in tho Bible is rOferen e
made to this configuration of features and
'quick expulsion of breath whicli wo call
laughter. Sometimes it is born Os the sun
shine and sometime i of tho midnight. Some
times it stirs tho sympathies of angels and
sometime* the cnehinuntion of devils.
All healthy people laugh. Whether It pleasht
or displeases God depends upoii when w.'laugh
and at what we laugh. I propose this morn
ing to speak to yon on the laughter of tho
Bible, namely, Sarah’s laugh, or the laugh of
scepticism! David’s laugh, or that of spirit
ual exultation; the fool’s laugh, or that of
sinful merriment: God’s laugh, or that of
divine indignation: Heaven’s laugh, or that
of eternal triumph. Scene: An oriental
tent; theoCcuptmts,old Abraham and Sarah,
probably wrinkled ami decrepit. Throe
guest's one of them the Lord Almighty. To
repay these old people for their hospitality,
trod promises Sarah that she shall be the an
oestress of the Lord Jesus Christ. She laughs
in God’s faco. She does not believo it. Af
frighted at what she has done silo says she
did net laugh. Then God retorts with an
emphasis that silences all discussion: "but
thou didst laugh.” And that sceptical laugh
of Sarah s ha - ha 1 its echo in the scepticism
of all tho ages. God says Ho will ac
complish a certain thing. People say:
“I don’t believe it can be done: I don’t lie
licvo it will lie done.” People laugh at tho
miracles. They ray “the miracles are con
trary to tlw laws of nature, and thereforo
they r.ro impossible.” What is a law
of nature? It is only God’s way of
doing things. Ordinarily you cross
to New York on the bridge. To
morrow you decide to go bv Wall Street
ferry. Aon formed your habit: you have
a right to change your habit. I or
dinarily enter tho church by this
doer (indicating.) Next Sabbath morning
I might enter it by that door (indicating), l
formed mv habit. I have a right to change
my habit. A law of nature is God’s habit.
His way of doing things. If He has a right to
form tho habit He lias g right to change
it whenever ho chooses to change it. It is tin
pwl’ul thing for us hi laugh back in the face
of God, and say: “You cau’t do what You
raid You would do;’’ or, “You won’t do it.”
God says Die Bible is true, it is all true
Bishop Colenso laughs, Herbert Spence r
laughs, John Stuart Mill laughs,
opaio of the German universities
inugb. Harvard laughs softly, some
of tho American institutions, with long rows
of professors seated on the fence between
Ghrislianty and infidelity, laugh softly,
.rivy spy they did not laugh. Ah, that Is
hiaiwu's old trick 1 For God thunders from
five Heavens, “thou didst laugh.” The Gar
den of Eden was only a fable. Noah’s ark
was ail impossibility for it could not have
fi dfl two of y-ncli kind. The pillar of fire by
flight was only the “northern lights. ” Jacob's
ladder was only horizontal and picturesque
clouds. Tho sea parted only because tho
wind blew a great while from one direction
violently, and tho sea could not help leit
•separate. The ten plagues of Egypt were j
only a brilliant spocine nos (jugglery. The
destroying angel smiting the first born
of Egypt was i nly cholera infantum become
epidemic. The gullet of the whale by p, i
tive measurement is too small so swallow a
prophet. Fun and moon did not put them
selves out of the way for Joshua. The blind,
Hie lame, the halt, who were cured in Bible
times were not cured by supernatural power
but by great skill of surgery. Tho resurrec
tion of Christ’s friond was only a tableau.
Christ and Lazarus and Mary and Martha
only acted their parts well. Lazarus was
not dead. He only played dead. He was riot
'resurrected. He only played rosurro-ted My
.friends, there is not a statement in that bV*
<>r a theory in that book, or a sentiment iii
1 hat book, or a fact in that book lint lias been j
disputed and laughed at by modern sceptic
ism- Here is King James’translation I be
lieve it to be a perfect Bible. Now let me
tear out all those portions of the Bible which
modern scepticism would have me tear out
Where shall we begin? “Well,” says some
man: “Take out all that about the creation
and the settlement of the world ” There
goes Genesis. “Well,” says some one, “take
out next all that about the miraculous I
guidance of the Israelites in the wilderness ”
There goes Exodus. Says some man: “There
are things in Deuteronomy and the Kiu»s
which are not fit to be read.” Away go Deu
teronomy anl the kings. Some man says
“ Take that out which is only tho fable"of
Job’s writings.” Away goes Job. Some
man says, “take out that from the New
Testament which declares tho divinity of
Jesus Christ.” Away go the evangelists !
Somebody says: “That is absurd in the 1
work of Revelation about a man
with the moon under his feet and a sword
proceeding from his mouth.” Away goei
Revelation. We have a few pieces left; what
shall we do with them* Horn • man -av- f
don’t believe a word of the book from begin
ning to end. It is all gone now. Oh, do you 1
not think we had better keep the Bibie a lit- ;
tie longer inf a t? It has done pretty well for i
a good many years; then there are some. I
old people who like to bold >«
on their laps, and there am I
children who like to rend its stories. If (fin
Bible is to b. put away in the dark corner of
some city library, the Koran on one side and
the writings or Confucius on tho other per
haps we had bc*t„ r keep one copy for our
selves, for we night have trouble and wo
«-;.ld want the de.„ ion of ibi consolation,
and w might die an*. W(1 would hke to b<
deludes-, With the story „ f hfeh re ',|em-o ,
the presence of Gox •
awful thing to throw back ' -.M’s revelafi""
into His fa'-e, and sav: q ,i i,
lieve it.” After awl, do, the day
wh n people will say. - I did not I ni*i, A T „ '
all the hypereritici-ms and ihe <-4i atures
and the sneers at the Bible will be Woiio-ht
into judgment, and* amid the r., ki„» f
everything beneath, and amid the flamina of
everything above. God will thunder froePllie
heavens: “That thou didst l m gh ” dh
most las -mating laughter at Christianity f l,*-
I ever heard was The More Parker. [ -at in flit
hall in Boston and heard him make many of the
pa.-ac.-sos the word of God seem, absolutely
ridiculous and that man w.-:,t| „ I H ., a(i '
our holy i hristiaiuty until < a, ue to u.«, i
and then he aid: “M- file ha- beeua failure;
domestic-aliv a failure, I have no children
socially a failure, ih y tr at me like a niiate :
on the street; professionally a failure, for I 1
know but one minister who has adopte I my
sentiments.” For twenty-five years that man I
laughed at Christianity and Christianity has
ever since been laughing at him. Oh it j sa
mean thing to go into a man's house
and steal his g aids, but the most gigantic i
burglary of the centuries is the attempt to i
take away these treasures of the soul. O.- .-.li .
th laughter on earth or hell ever heard the
meanest laughter is tle sceptic s laugh- pro
posing to take our only cons loti on in trouble
an I our only pdlow in death aud give us as a
sulistituta ab-olately nothin;*.
The next laughter of the Bible that I notice *
is David's laugh, or that of spiritual e'.uita
tion He sav-: “Then was uriy mouth filled
with laughter. ’ Aou know he sometimes got
clear down, he was at times verv meiaticholv
Tten be rose up and in some chanter* he caJU i
iortn tho people rear or ttve times to sing
and rejoice aud InugH. It is hot merely the
teaching of the lips with him; it is a demon
stration that takes all his body and all
his soul. “Then was my mouth tilled with
laughter.” My friends, if this world is ever
converted to God it will be because Chris
tians cry less and laugh more. The horrors
make a poor bait to fish with. People do
not want, a morbid Christianity. 1 know
there are people so morbid in feeling that
they actually enjoy a funeral. They go
early to set) tDo friends, taue
leave of the corpse anu then steal
a fide to tho cemetery. But
the vast majority of healthy people, ail
healthy people, enjoy a Wedding better tliaii
they do a burial, and If voU make religion
s -prechral and hearse-like j-oti make it repul
sive. Bo I say, plant rose of Sharon
along the walks of tho church, and
columbine to run ou the walls of the church
and let there he a shiile on the lip,
and let, there be holy laughter in tho
soul. 1 think that a Christian is the only man
who hasn right to untrauimeled glee, for ha
is promised that ail things are for the best in
this world, aud ho is on his way to a delight
which it will take all the processions with
palm bran -lies, ami all the orchestras, harped
and cymbaled ah 1 trunipted, to express. Re
i"ieo evermore, and again X stty rejoice.
Tli l merriest laughter 1 l.avo ever
h ard has been in die sick l oom of God's
dar children. Theodosius was put iipoii
tho rack for Christ's, sake. lie gave an
a -count: of it afterward un i -aid: “When 1
was put, on tho rack 1 Suffered awfully, but a
young man iii white came with a soft ami
e-.iu ortable handkerchief and wiped my
forehead, and my sufferings were alleviated,
and it was nil actual punishment for me to be
take v off tho rack, for as soon as all the
suffering was gone the angel was
yon,..' And last Friday night standing by
the driiig bed of a Christian, I said lo him:
"What word will you send to the church
so-i ice wh re lam going to-night?” and, rai
l'd.lg all his energies, and his face shining
1 !:;■ heaven, he said: “Tell them to be of
good oh v>r.” “Oh,” says someone, “I have
so many troubles, and so many sicknesses,
nil so many persecutions; and
so many trials; that doctrine won’t
ilo for me.” Have you it any
wirse than Paul bad it? Driven out, perse
cuted. tried, spit upoh, slain. A’et, h<Sar him
' iay: “Boi rowlul yet rejoicing.poor yet inak
in ;• many rieh. having nothing yet possessing
ail things.” Why, sometimes, mv friends,
there is more religion in a laugh than in a
groan. Anybody can groan, hut to laugh in
ih-' midst of trial aud persCoiif ion and suffer
ing, it takes a David, a Daniel, a Paul, a
mo lent heroine to do tint.
The next laugh of the Bible that I shall
mention is tho tool’s laugh, or tho expression!
of sinful m»rriinent. Solomon was very
(pi ‘k at a simile anil when lie makes a com
parison everybody catches it right away.
Solomon, what is afo d’s laugh like* lie an
swers: “The crackling of thorns under a
pot.” Tho kettle is swung, a bunch of
brambles is put under it, a torch is applied,
there is n great i.i«w and a big noise
aud a splutter, and a quick: extinguish
ment. and it is darker than it was before. A
fooi’s laughter. The most miserable thing on
earth is a bad man’s fun. Ten men in a bar
room and an impure joke starts at one end of
tho barroom, and crackle, crackle, crackle it
goes all around. li. 509 su"b guffaws no t, one
element of happiness. They all feel bemoaned,
for they bavo wives, mothers, daughters at
home. I have not any faith in either a man’s
Christian character or common
morality, who either tells or
laughs at an imnure joke. Men
nml women are no better than thoir conver
sation. If you love to tell or love to hoar
impure jokes it is because you are depraved.
Yet there are men who call themselves gen
tlemen who indulge in impure conversation,
and laugh at impure jokes; and I have been
told that in womanly circles there are
those who call themselves ladies, yet who
tell impure stories, or laugh at them
when they are told. They are
half harlots, incipient Magdalens—
under powerful temptation thoy would
become waifs of the street. Beware
of man or woman who tells or laughs at an
impure joke. It is the fool’s laughter, “tho
crackling of thorns under a pot.” Bo also all
merriment that is made at the frailties, at
tin* misfortunes,of others. Tho earieatureof
a lame foot, or a curved spine, or a blind eye
or a deaf ear. God will write it
out in judgment either to you or
your children. Twenty years ago
I saw a man very skillfully minfic his neigh
bor’s Jaino foot. He did it with wonderful
skill. Not long ago, th > son of that skillful
mimic lia l his leg amputate i for tho very in
firmity that the father had caricatured in the
neighbor years ago. I rlo not say it was a
judgment of God. A r ou can say what you
please. But I say beware, look out how you
i ni-i ature the infirmities of others. It is the
fools laughter. So is also all th" ni rriment that
is aroused from dissipation, that starts from
the drinking restaurant or from the wine cup
of the social circle, Ihe simpering and the sat
urnine gibberish, the laughter at nothing,
which you sometimes heir after the wine lias
taken ils effect in the social circle or in the
chill room. It is all the laughter of the fool
When 1 was a lad a book was published
called “Dow Junior's Sermons.” Itbndalarge
circulation; it made everybody laugh: it was
considered a very witty and funny thing. I
had a copy present d to me iu iny childhood.
1 read it. The wiu.l ; book was a caricature
of the church, of the ministry, of
theßiblean lofth Dayof Judgment. Oh,how
the world laughed at it. The commentary of
the whole thing is that the author of that
book not long ago died in poverty, shame,
debauch. Kicked out of decent society and
under tho curse of Almighty God.
I charge ou the young people of this
congregation, in tho presence of Almighty
God, have nothing to do with these styles of
mirth that I have Isen sjieaking of. It de
spoils the character, if your lips are not
pure it is because your heart is rotten.
The next laughter of the Bible that I speak
of is God’s laugh of indignation. The Bible
says: “He that sitteth in the heavens shall
laugh.” It says in another place: “The Lord
shall laugh.” In another place it says: “I
will laugh at your calamity.” With that
demonstration God meets great sins and wick
edness. Here is a man building up his vil
lainies. It seems as if he has I eaten
the Lord because of his successful schemes.
I can show you men in Brooklyn and New
A’ork now who are going right
on building up their villanies, and they seem
to be successful. But wait. After awhile
the pin will get out of the nia -hinery of
wickednes-s or the fatal se< ret will Is- "told
and everything will go into demolition. The
crash of the ruin will be the reverbera-'
tion of the wrat hos God’s indignation. Wall
itreet is a great place for good men and for
had men. There are no tletter rnen in the
world than you will fin I in Wall street and
no worse men. A fraudulent man of
that street says: “I mean to get a million
dollars and I don’t care how I get them.”
Reckless of all the laws of honesty, he goes
ahead and he gets his He goes on
aud he gets hi- sg'lOJKKi. He gee, on until he
gets his jSoOO/XJO. Now,” he says, “f have
but one more stroke to make and then i ll
haverny million.” He gathers together all his
re* tri es. He risks everything on one grand
thr w. He loses. He fails, lie has not act
udli - enough money of his own to pay his ear
(are home. What is the matter: You say,
‘great stir in Erie railway stocks,” or, -‘great
stir iii Western Union,’ or, “great stir in
Illinois Central,” or you charge it to this
speculator or that speculator They all
guess and they guess wrong. I will tell
you what was th* matter. He that
MT. VERNON. MONTGOMERY CO.. 0A„ THURSDAY. JUNE It. 18811.
jit,tetri in trie Ileriveus laughel. A man
in Nt>\\ Ybrk, rs resolved to lx* the
wealthiest man iu the oil) 1 . H« his hon
est work ns a ehairmaker, went into {.olitivs,
got elected to the city councils and in ton
years stolo from the* city government $15,-
000,000, ll»* held the Legislature of the State
of Now York in the grip of his right hand.
After a while suspicion was arous 'd. Tho
(hand Jury brought in an indictment.
The whole Inn l stood aghast. That
inan who expected to put half of Now York
in his Vest pocket gc to Ludlow Street jail,
goes to Blackwells Island, escaping prison
crosscrt tMo ocean, is t*ertrrested | routes buck,
B lvimprisoned mid dihs there. Why? Ho
that sitteth in the heavens laughed. Romo
was a great empire. She had Horace and
Virgil among her poets; she had August us and
Con tant.ine among her emperors. But why
thedolaced Lantheon? why the broken walls
of the Coliseum* why the forum turned into
« rattle market? Why t.he architectural skele
tons of her ac pit ducts? What, is that thun
der? You say it is the battering rams coming
against her walls. No. What is thatquivering?
You say it is tho tramp of hostile legions,
No. The quivering and the roaring are
tho outburst of tin* unlmpotent laughter of a
of a dolled and insulted Heaven. Romo dotted
(rod all 1 He laughed her down; Thebes delie l
(idilaud He laughed h.*r clown; Babylon de
fil’d (tod oliu lie l&tighc I Ivr down. Oh,
there is n great difference between
Hod's smile and God’s laugh. The smile, it
i.s eternal beatitude, it is the bells of lrftveii
striking a wedding peal. The smile Os God,
it is!h<s 15th of May, the apple orchards in
lull "loom. God smiled when David sang,
mi l Miriam «*lapj»od the cymbals, and Han
nah made the garments for her son, and Paul
j iva lied and »St. John kindled wifli apoca
lyptic vision! But oh, the laughter of God,
may wo never hear it! It means pun
ishment for our sin, it means Wast
ing away under 11 is indignation.
God wants us to livo in His
smile. Hocomos down from Heaven. Ho
e a\-< s us, He bogs us to com * from our sins
into righteousness, lb' comes into this world
in the person of Christ. He takes up tho
sins of tho world and Ho puts them on ono
ix.O drier, aud'He takes up tho sorrows of tho
world and puts them on t lie ot her shoulder,
and then with this Alp on one side and this
Himalaya on tho other. Ho climbs up the
sleep just outside tho city of Jeru
salem to achieve our redemption; #put
ting tho palm of ono hand ort one
mik* aud and putting the palm of
the other hand on another spike, He stretched
forth His hands bespottod with His own
blood and lie gesticulates and says: “Look
and live, look and live; with tho crimson
veil of my sacrifice I will cover up all your
sins; with my dying groans 1 will swallow
up all your groans, look and I ivr*, look and
live.” If a man turns from that, then GodM
voice changes its intonation and it comes
through the first chapter of Proverbs like
t. ic simoom of tho desert ami says: “Because
I called and you refused, and stretched out
my h:in 1 and no mail regarded, and yet put
at naught all my counsel and despised my
reproof, therefore I will laugh at your <a
hunity. Oh, this day by turning unto God
through Jostts Christ let us decide tint we
will *live forever in tho light of His smile./md
escape forever the thunder of the laugh of:
His indignat ion.
Another laughter of the Bible and the last
one I shall mention —is the Heavenly laugh,
or the one of eternal triumph. Christ said to
his disciples: “Blessedare ye that weep now,
for yo shall laugh.” That takes away the
idea that we are forever in Heaven to be sing
ing long-meter psalms. Tho formalistic
and stiff notions of some people in re
cord to Heaven Would make mo miserable.
When Christ says to His disciples “blessed are
ye that weep now, ye shall laugh,” I know
that heaven is not only going to be a place
of worship, but also a magnificent sociability.
What, will the ringing laughter go all
around the circles of the redeemed ? It will.
Christ says so. “Yo shall laugh.” It will
be a laugh of congratulation. If wo meet a
friend who has met with what we call good
fortune, and he has come from poverty to
great riches, or he is restored from some dire
sickness, wo grasp his hands and we laugh,
and we congratulate him, and when
we get in heaven wo will meet
our friends who on earth lmd a hard time of
it,and to ono of them we will say; “Why,the
last time 1 saw you, you were down with six
weeks of low intermittent fever. Now, how
well you look. Immortal health on your
cheek and eye. I congratulate you.” It will
be the laugh of congratulation. To another
ono we’ll we s iy:“Down in the world we saw
you limping along with rheumatism, now
you have the strength and the fleetness of an
immortal athlete. J congratulate you.”
It will bo tlie laugh of congratu
lation. We will meet friends who failed in
business. They went from iaui - to panic
and from disaster to disaster in this world,
and we will meet them there and we, will
congratulate thorn. Jt will Ih? the laugh over
cneir success, anu thoy will say: **Yo<, yes,
this is my throne, this is my mansion, this is
my companionship, this is mv Ghrist, this is
my God.” Laugh of congratulation. And it
will lx? also n laugh of reunion.
Tho perceptions quickened, our knowl
edge improved, wo will know each
other at a flash. Oh, how much those who
have been ten years in heaven will have to
toll us about their ton years of celestial resi
dence. Oh, how much we will have to tell
them about she ten years of their nbsence
from earth. And there i think George White
field and John Wesley will give a laugh of
contempt over their earthly misunderstand
ings. And there I think Toplady and
Charles Wesley will give a laugh of contempt
over thf*ir earthly tnisunderstfinttings. 'Hie
two farmers that for twenty years quar
relled about a line fence’ in the
heavenly country will give a laugh of
contempt over their earthly quarrels. Ex
emption from all sorrow. Immersion in nil
joy. We shall laugh. Christ says so. We
shall laugh. Oh, what a thrilling satisfaction
to stand on the wall of heaven and look down
at Satan and see him caged and chained, and
feel that we are forever free from his
clutches. Just think of it. You know how
tho Frenchmen cheered when Napoleon the
Great came back from Elba. You know how
Englishmen cheered when Wellington came
back from Waterloo. You know how Amer
icans cheered when Kossuth came
from Hungary. You know how
Rome cheered when Pornpey re
turned from victory over 90') cities,and every
cheer was a laugh. But oh, the grander
mirth aud the mightier gladness when we
shall see the snow-white cavalry troop of
Heaven moving through the streets, Christ
ih the red coat, as described in Revelation,
on a white horse riding on and all th" ar rule-;
of Heaven on white hon-e . Oh. when we
hear the click of the troops of that cavalcade
we will shout and we will laugh. J)oes not
this subject men and women immortal, make
your heart beat quick with joy, been use «o
soon we are to enter that great jubilee? We
prav God that when we get through
with this world and are going to leave it we j
may have *•' in ching or the lieiief of the \
dying Christian who said be sav/ in the sky ;
at the time he was dying the letter “W,’’and
jxrople standing by bis dying lied said, “what j
do you suppose it means.” after be ha/1 told
them he had seen the letter “W." “We!! ”
he ♦■aid, “it can mean only one thing, ‘W* J
stands for ‘welcome.’” And so when we \
leave this world may it l>e “W” in the sky
an I “W” at the door of the mansion, and
“W” on the throne. Welcome, welcome,
welcome!”
I preach this sermon this morning because
I have five prayerful wishes—that you may |
how mean a thing is the laugh of ncepu* ?
“ SUB DEO FAOIO FORTITER."
cisin, that you may sea hmv Bright a thing in
thu laugh of Christian exultation, that you
may see how hollow ft thing is the laugh of
sinful mirth, that you may see hnav awful a
thing is Ihe laugh of God s indignation, anil
that you may spa what a rapturous nml rubi
cund thing is thP laugh of eternal triumph.
Oh, my l,ord and my God, fill my soul with
this rapture. Avoid evil. Choose the good.
Bo comforted. Be comforted. “Blessed are
vc that weep now, for yo shall laugh, ye shall
laugh!”
Dandies on Horseback, x
r
’ Tho liaclondado on horseback, writes a
Correspondent to the Springfield lteptMi
ram, is a picture, usually conscious of it
self; for these, fellows aro born dandies,
ftnd both men and animals are full of
jrraneing Rfe. The homos ere noble cron
tnros, whose diesis hum been tnagnifi
cently developed by the rnrefield air, and
the rider is athletic nnrl a born horseman.
He wears a suit, of Mack doth, a short,
nattily out jacket with big silver buttons;
a low cut waistcoat, or more often none
to hide liis delicate, snbwy and frilled
shirts; close pantaloons that bear along
the outer seams two rows of fancy silver
buttons; high-heeled and usually top
boots that end in silver spurs; and n faja
or sash of red and other brilliant color to
bind the waist. Over the shoulder, or
across the saddle, which is a most orna
mental alTair, is carried the bright scrape
that looks like, an immense Unman senl'f.
Tho hat completes tho picture, and the
ample proportions of that put ridicule
upon the meagre head coverings of tho
North, The only fault to be found with
the fdt sombrero is its weight but for
some occult reason it never seems burden
some in the wearing. Buffalo Hill’s hats
are ft lilaj on the genuine Mexican article.
His wide brim is all rigid, but this crown
rises to a dignity and comliness much
like that which characterizes the head
gear of Miles Morgan on your Court
Square. But while Miles restricted him
self to sober black, the Mexican indulges
iu all colors from a beautiful silver gray,
through browns to a gorgeous purple.
The crown is encircled by a silver or gold
cord, often iu three or even four coils,
and the brim is embroidered with a
wealth in silver or gold trimming. Straw
hats .are of similar shape, and provided
with pulled bands of the same material.
A Capricious Composer.
If the stories told of him arc true,
Mans Von Billow is getting crankier day
by day. It is related that during his
last concert tour, as lie was about to take
his seat at the piano, he saw some very
plain women seated near the platform.
At that he walked off the stage, and to
his manager’s inquiries and entreaties
said;
“Until those ugly women are removed
I will not play a note; so you may do its
you please about it.”
The manager stepped up on the stage,
announced that lli-rr Von Billow had be
come suddenly indisposed, and the or
chestra would play a symphony which
was to have been played later in the even
ing. While the audience looked on in
wonder he had a number of palms and
shrubs from the conservatory near the
concert room placed between the plat
form and the audience. Then calling
Hulow to the wing the manager asked if
the view suited him, “Oh, yes, that’s
all right,” quietly said the great musical),
“as long us I don’t behold t hose monsters
of ugliness i am quite indifferent to my
surroundings.” And without any more
ado, the capricious composer went on the
platform and performed his shurc of the ,
programme. Nnr YoriHun.
The Conductor “Fasted.”
Did you ever 01141 railway ear observe
the many bits of pasteboard that are
thrust out lit the conductors, who hesi
tate before tin y punch them and hand
them back with an air that seems to say,
“Well, ’tis none of my business,” and
move on to another? That’s the “pass,”
and a mighty useful thing it. is where the
shekels are not redundant and the ways
are long. Lecturers find it so especially,
and Saxe —now old and, I am told, min
ed in health arid spirits once told me
one of his experiences that was very
amusing. J!'- had passes on all the rail
roads and steam boats in the West, he
thought, but at one time in- found him
self on a short road not down orj his
chart upon which lie had no ticket. As
the conductor came along he took all his
passes from his pocket and held them in
his hand like a deck of playing cards.
“Mr. Conductor,” said he, “do you play
euchre?” “Yes, sometimes.” “Well,
what should you say to a hand like that?”
“I should say pass,” and Saxe put up
his cards as the conductor passed laugh
ingly along. Hartford Pont.
Couldn’t Say “Boo.”
Ifer Little Brother (bolding up the
cat) —“Say ‘Boo,’ Mr. Smith.”
Mr. Smith “What for, Bobby?”
Ifer little Brother— “t want to know
if you 'an. His'er says you cant sry ;
‘Poo to a cat,’ ” — Judge.
ALLIGATOR LORE.
A Floricln Ghnradter who
Hunts tho Saurians.
Living Among Them for Months and Fa
miliar With Tlioir Habits.
Alligator Ferguson, a well known
character in Florida, is (ltd subject of this
sketch. lie has made a snug stltn from
the teeth of the alligators lie has killed,
and is an export at the business. Teeth
an 1 worth from $4 to s."> a pound, and
sometimes hegathcred from six to eight
pounds in a single week, lie never
canal anything for the bodies, although
they are worth more than the teeth.
Ferguson did not confine his operations to
any particular portion of South Florida,
but from Tampa to Biscay no Bay, and
from tile saw grass fields of Lake Apopka
to the shores of Okeechobee he created
consternation among the scaly denizens
of the marshes, and lie could lay claim to
having killed more alligators than any
other man living, lie made his bed
among them, ate among them, spent
many months among them ns his oidy
companions, and it is probable that lie
lianlly ever thought or talked of any
thing but alligators. The gigantic snarls
and growls with which tlmy communed
together in early spring was the only mu
sic which charmed his ears. At that
time of the year lie knew they could be
found in pairs and more easily captured,
lie stayed among them so long that lie
became, as some people said almost
amphibious. One man thought Ferguson’s
| teeth wore growing longer, and another,
with an exceptionally keen pair of eyes,
Was certain that the great hunter’s skin
was growing rough and hard in patches,
preparatory to changing into scales. Fer
guson didn’t care a cent wlmt they said
I oi' thought about him so long as lie could
kill big alligators and sell their teeth.
Jb- always claimed that the alligators
were more plentiful on Fish Kilting
('reek, but that their teeth were very
much inferior to those from other places.
On the gulf const, he said, was the
best place for real good teeth, and pro
fessed a preference for salt water alliga
tors. Those that live in salt water are of
stouter build, and the head is larger in
proportion to the body than that of the
} fresh water species. Home people claim
j that they are more ferocious I him the
other, but Ferguson does not think so.
lie is an expert at decoying alligators
within range of his gun. lie has away
of barking like a small dog, and when lie
commenced that it would not be long be
fore their huge snouts would be sticking
i out of the water. Another way was to
take a little dog or pig in his arms and
I twist its tail so that it would yell and nt
: tract the alligators. A screaming pig
will excite the interest and attention of
any alligator, no matter bow indolent or
phlegmatic. Ferguson told me #iiit lie
was hunting one spring morning near
| Toliopekalign, and had brought a young,
‘ fine blooded dog with him. Coming to
a deep, round pool, which formed a
I small bay in the lake, he commenced
looking out for alligators, which ho knew
were to be found in that place in great
ipiantitos. The dog was a little too eager
for the sport and jumped into the water.
Ferguson said he tried to call him back,
but the dog was deaf to all remonstrance.
When he reached the middle of the 000 l
he began bowling and struggling and
looked back appealingly to Ids master for
help. In a few moments the dog disap
pi JM'cd and was seen no more, ‘•lilt riled
me awfully,” said Ferguson, “to see my
purp gobbled down in that away, and I
laid lor that ’gator. I wouldn’t a took
the purticat lifty-dollar bill you ever saw
for that dog, and I jest says to myself I
am goin’ to make them 'gators hop; and
I did make ’em hop. / lakes my Jeetlest
purp, and I wrings and twists his tail 1111-
twel lie hoi tors like as if he wus a bein’
killed, and, first I knowed, out popped
the head of a whoppin' big ’gator. Then
another one of the big black imps poked
his sassy snoot out’ll the water, and hit
warn’t, no time ’fore the pond was toeto
tally covered with ’em. I never seen so
many ’gators in the known world. I shot
and shot and shot, until I was bodaeious
ly out of breath, but I made them imps
sweat. They eat up my purp, and 1
wouldn’t a-took a brand new fifty-uoi
lar bill for him, but I everlastingly pep
pered ’em for it.”— Chir/ujo Times.
11l the Home Neighborhood."
Two wretched looking tramps were
brought up before a Texas justice of the
peace. Addressing the worst looking
one, the justice asked:
“Where do you live?”
“Nowhere.”
“And where do you live?” said the jus
tice, addressing the other.
“I've got the room above him,”—Hif
tin'js.
VOL. I. NO. 13.
A I'conliar IMsh of Breens.
The following incident occurred *>t a
very curly date in the history of Maine.
Among the new settlers of Pewupiid was
one by the name of Alexander, who ac
cording to custom, was chosen as I’rtpSain
to command the little company of rmra
which banded together for self-protection'
In those dangerous times. Now Mrs.
Alexander, being much puffed up by the
honor, must needs make a feast to cele
brate it. All her neighbors were invit
eil, some of the women bringing knitting,,
others coarse garments for sewing, and
still other* their “little wheels” oil their
backs, with ft distaff of flax to s|riu, and
all bringing babies.
One can imagine what a merry compa
ny it was that gathered in tho great log
kitchen, knitting nccdlcsclieking, Imbies
crooning, and the flax-wheels humming
like a great swarm of bees in a clover
field, while outside the newly-made cap
tain treated the men.
over the lire and hanging from the
huge iron crane was a big brass kettle,
boiling furiously and emitting a most, fra
grant odor. Then) was a whispering
among the guests ns to what their hostess
could be preparing, but all agreed that
if it lasted half as good as it .smelled, it
would be good enough.
Dinner-time came, tilt! knitting was out
aside, the babies were hushed to sleep,
and the wheels pushed back against the
walls. All gathered about the rough
table expectantly, anil Mrs. Alexander,
with a look of triumph, passed to each »
goodly portion of tlm contents of the
brass kettle, well seasoned and garnished
with butter.
As it happened, one of the guests
a rough old trailer from Boston, and his
natural gruffness of disposition had not
been softened by his generous potations
outside, lie looked at his dish curiously
for a moment, tasted it, made a wry face,
then shouted out, t<> the consternation of
the company,
“Woman, how much o’ this stuff did
ye cook and butter?”
“Why, a pound?” said tho captain’s
wife, somewhat incensed. “Pray, isn’t
that enough?"
“Knough?” cried tho trader. “Yes,
to kill tho whole settlement, stewed in
yon pizen kettle I This is tni madam,
for driukinj, not to be made into vile
greens!”
An explanation followed, anil Mrs.
Alexander, to whom the article of tea
was hitherto unknown, as also to her
eipmlly ignorant neighbors, retired i rest
, fallen, yet wo presume a much wiser
woman. Youth's Companion. ,
Bangers from Bout’s Milk.
A correspondent writes: The British
Goat Society has held its half-yearly
meetings and tlm report states that the
committee have been able to supply goats
to cottagers with very satisfactory re
sults. Ho far this is good news, for a
milch goat is tractable and gives a most
abundant yield. But it is to be hoped
thill tin- cottagers will be careful of tlioir
milch goats, and will not allow them to
pasture at large. The goat is proof
against almost every known vegetable
poison. Any one who doubts this may
test tho fact for himself, fur there is
nothing a goat likes so much as a mouth
ful of tobacco. A goat which knows
that you have tobacco about you will
follow you anywhere and any distance
for it. And it is an unkind practical
joke to disturb the tranquility of a row of
chaises at the seaside by the production
of a tobacco-pouch. The cow, as we all
know, from the time we first began our
nursery rhymes, is partial to the “hem
lock rank,” and there have been cases of
poisoning from the milk of cows that
Jiavc eaten hemlock. But the goat will
cat with impunity not only hemlock, but
yew dippings (which arc fatal both to
cows and horses), bryony, foxglove, and,
indeed, almost every poisonous plant.
The result is, of course, to poison the
milk, and it is consequently to be hoped
that the favored cottagers will confine
their goats to swedes, vetches, cut grass,
and other such harmless substances, and
will not allow them to roam at large.—
HI. James's Gazette.
On n Mexican Street Cur.
Although the etiquette of a Mexican
street car is free and fyjsy, and men
smoke inside or on the platform, women
are invariably treated with respect, and
half a dozen men will get up to give
place to any woman, young or old, rich
or poor. The Mexican gentleman has all
the courtesy for which the Latin races
arc famous, and life is smoothed and its
angles rounded by the constant courtesy
of this most polite nation. Do not im
agine that because people smoke in the
street cars their interiors resemble the
American railway smoker—all tilth under
foot, and the air befouled with rank
cigars and old pipes. The windows are
generally open, and a constant current of
air drives the smoke out, — Jioeton Herald.