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THE COVINGTON NEWS — THURSDAY. DECEMBER 11, 1975
Juniperperper to Defend Santa in Impeachment
By ROBERT J* BOYLE
Chapter Two
Santa was awfully quiet during
dinner that night.
He was still pondering the
problem of who he would get to
represent him at the impeachment
hearing at the UN.
Mrs. Claus said to him, “Santa,
you've hardly touched your warm
burgers. And your snow crystal
soup is getting cold. What's
wrong?"
The elves around the table looked
up at him, too.
“Come on. eat," they said.
“I'm just not hungry tonight.” he
sai<|.
“I know what's worrying you,
Santa," Juniperperper said.
“Yes, I bet it is that dam im
peachment thing," Jasper said.
“Don't worry about it,” Jasman
said, "There will always be Santa
Claus."
“Yes," Jinkersnipes said. “You
can't lose. You have the best
lawyer in the world, James St.
Goodness."
“That's one of my worries, elves,"
Sajnta said. “Jimmie can't represent
m«t He knows Evel Whone and has
represented the Baadlands so it
wmild be a conflict of interest."
“Who will you get to represent
yrm?" Jinkersnipes asked.
“j don't know,” Santa said. "But
it is nothing to worry yourselves
aliput. Christmas is the main thing
and we'll have to work very hard to
finish all the presents we will be
giving this year.”
“Santa," Juniperperper said. "I
know who can represent you."
“Who?” asked Santa.
"] will." Juniperperper replied. “I
knbw I can do it. Jinkersnipes can
help me."
“You," a flabbergasted Santa
asked. “Juniperperper, you have no
legal background."
‘•Yes, I do, Santa, " he said.
“Before I came to the North Pole I
sttxlied law at Blizzard University,
lit fact 1 once defended the Tooth
Fairy from an unfair labor practice
charge."
“I didn't know that," Santa said.
"Did you win the case?"
“Certainly, Santa," Juniperperper
said. "I proved that tbe Tooth
Fgiry had to work at nights.
Naughty Princess said that it was
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I
unfair to make the Tooth Fairy
work at nights and filed charges.
But I showed the NFRB that the
Tooth Fairy could only work at
nights because that is when
children sleep.”
“What’s the NFRB?” Jinker
snipes asked.
‘‘The National Fairy Relations
Board.” J uniper perper replied.
“But Juniperperper,” Santa said.
“The UN is vastly different than
the NFRB. It will be a lot
tougher.”
"But I’m sure I could win,”
Juniperperper said. “And
Jinkersnipes could help me with
research. I could get the other elve«
to help me, too.”
“Gee, I don’t know,” Santa said.
“They will have some very im
portant lawyers on their side.”
“I know Santa,” Juniperperper
said. “But you can bet that when
we elves appear before the UN we
will be noticed, too. You know that
no one would work harder in your
behalf than the elves. We would
work night and day for you.”
“You’re right there,” Santa
laughed. “Maybe your dedication
will mean more than all the fancy
lawyers and their arguments.”
“Then I can do it, Santa?”
Juniperperper asked.
"Mmm, all right,” Santa said.
“Juniperperper, I officially appoint
you my chief defense lawyer and I
assign Jinkersnipes to be your first
assistant. If you need any other
elves to help you, just ask.”
The other elves around the table
cheered.
Mrs. Claus smiled and said,
“Now that that is settled, let all of
you get settled and eat your dinner.
Santa, I’ll get you a warm warm
burger and another bowl of snow
crystal soup.”
"Sounds good," Santa said.
After dinner, Santa told the other
elves to go into the TV room for
hot chocolate and vanilla while he,
Juniperperper and Jinkersnipes met
to plan his defense.
Santa and the two elves went to
Santa's private study.
“This is really nice,” Juniper
perper said. “I love your red
leather couch and your red leather
chairs, and that huge fireplace
makes it nice and warm in here.”
“Yes, it is nice,” Santa said. “The
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elf Jodfer designed and built it for
me several years ago. He made
such wonderful toy forts for
children, he asked for the chance to
design this room. I’m glad that I
allowed him the chance.”
“Is that why you’re giving us the
chance to defend you?”
Juniperperper asked.
“That’s one reason,” Santa said.
“But I do have confidence in you.”
“Santa, when will the im
peachment hearings begin?”
Jinkersnipes asked.
“December 12,” Santa replied.
“That means they will have to be
over by December 24 so you can
make your trip Christmas eve,”
Juniperperper said.
“You’re right,” Santa answered.
“We’ll have to work hard because
we haven’t much time.”
“We can make it,” Juniperperper
said.
“Santa, if the case goes against
you that means there won’t be any
toys for boys and girls this year,”
Jinkersnipes said. “It means that
there won’t be any fun in
Christmas.”
“Don’t talk like that,”
You?”, a flabbergasted Santa asked
’ SEVERAL TO
CHOOSE
FROM
Juniperperper said. “We will win
and there will be fun in Christ
mas.”
“1 certainly hope so," Santa said.
“I wouldn’t know what to do if I
didn't have Christmas to look
forward to. I would be lost."
“Well, all would be lost,”
Jinkersnipes said. “That is why we
must win.”
“We will, we will,” Juniperperper
said. “Now let’s get to work.”
The old wooden door of the law
library creaked as Juniperperper
and Jinkersnipes pushed it open.
“Boy, you can tell this isn’t used
much,” Jinkersnipes said.
“That’s for sure,” Juniperperper
answered. “I guess Santa doesn’t
have much use for a law library. I
wonder why he has one.”
“That’s easy to answer,”
Jinkersnipes replied. “Santa is
prepared for anything.”
“But he was still shocked when he
heard that Evel Whone filed a bill
of impeachment against him in the
United Nations,’” Juniperperper
said. “But I can’t blame him. We
all were shocked."
The elves lit an old coal lamp
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the library.
“I wonder why Santa doesn’t have
electricity in this room,” Jinker
snipes said. “Maybe because he
doesn't use it much.”
“Doesn’t matter,” Juniperperper
replied. "Let’s get to work. You
look under “I” for impeachment
material, and I’ll look under “D”
for defense."
The two elves climbed ladders to
reach the book in the library.
“Hey, look at this," Juniperperper
said. “Under “D” there is a
chapter on how to defend against
the boll weevil. We certainly won’t
need that information in the North
Pole.
“You can never tell,” laughed
Jinkersnipes. “Maybe we’ll have
snow boll weevils that’ll eat up all
the snow.”
Juniperperper laughed and said,
“Jinkers, you’re a caution."
“Hey, look at this, “Jinkersnipes
shouted. “It says here that the only
legal way for Santa ever to be
impeached would be to have him
deny Christmas, or to commit gross
crimes."
“Well Santa would never deny
Christmas and we know he never
committed any crime nor did he
ever do anything that is wrong,"
Juniperperper said. “This will clear
Santa immediately.”
“Let's tell Santa right away,”
Jinkersnipes said.
“The two elves ran toward Santa’s
office.
“Santa, Santa,” they shouted.
“We found our defense. The law
book says you can’t be impeached
unless you deny Christmas or that
you committed gross crimes. You
would never deny Christmas and
everyone knows that you never
committed even an ungross crime.
So, you’re clear, Santa, you’re
clear.”
Santa sadly shook his head.
“No, boys," he said. “I’m not
cleared. I just received the bill of
indictment that Evel Whone
presented to the UN board. Malox
the penguin mailman just brought
the mail and the bill was in it.”
“Oh, my goodness,” said
Juniperperper. "That is awful.”
"Awful, awful and awful,” said
Jinkersnipes.
"What does he charge you with in
the bill of indictment?”
XOU’U LOVE OUR
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Juniperperper asked.
"Oh, a number of things," Santa
said. “Here, sit down and have
some cherry leaf tea and I’ll read
the charges to you."
Santa put on his frameless, wire
rim eyeglasses while the two elves
poured their tea.
"I won’t read the whole thing,”
Santa said. “Just the important
parts.”
“Go ahead, Santa,” Juniperperper
said. “We re ready.”
Santa cleared his throat and read,
"Evel Whone, the duly authorized
represetnative to the United
Nations from the Baadlands hereby
charges Santa Claus of the North
Pole, with willful disrespect of the
rights of children and with willful
neglect to his contingent of elves at
the aforementioned North Pole.”
“My, my and my,” said
Jinkersnipes. “That sounds bad.’
"Now wait until I’m finished,”
chided Santa.
"Here are the charges,” Santa
continued. "One, that Santa did
and does spy on children using
secret devices to check on whether
they are good or bad; two, that
Santa decided without any hearings
what children were bad; three, that
Santa institutes punishment by not
giving toys to children who he says
are bad; four, that Santa keeps
elves working without vacations,
pay or any rights common to labor
today; and five, the elves are
denied due process in the North
Pole and must work for Santa; and
other high crimes to be listed
later."
“That’s a lie,” shouted
Juniperperper. “You don’t force us
to work."
“That’s a lie, lie and lie,”
Jinkersnipes said. "We have all the
rights we want. We’re happy,
happy and happy here. Why does
old Evel Whone have to stick his
nose into North Pole business
anyway.”
"Now, now boys,” Santa said.
“Let’s not get angry. Who knows,
maybe Evel Whone thinks he is
doing the right thing. Maybe we
were too quick to judge him.”
"I don't believe that, Santa,”
Juniperperper said. "And I don’t
think you believe it either. You
|Continued on next page)
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