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April 17.
| MARS AND VENUS
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Copyright, 1918, by Newspaper Feature Service, Inc., Great Britain rights reserved-
OUR WEEKLY FABLE IN SLANG
By BARTON RICHARDS
His mother admitted that he was
full of spirits, his doting aunt would
confess, under pressure, that he was
a precocious youngster, while the next
door neighbor insisted that he was an
impudent little cuss who had had too
much of his own way. This isn't much
of a starter but we have to have some
excuse for opening the first paragraph
any anyhow, it gives you a little in
sight into the start of Willie Smith,
who is the hero of this little fable, en
titled the Career of an A. W. O. L.
Jumping about fifteen birthdays
from the opening of this narrative we
find the hero a youth of about 19 sum
mers, and he was the original Bull
headed Kid. Once he made up his
mind, he was the second edition of old
Gibraltar. Again quoting his Doting
Aunt, who you will admit was some
little Doter, he was a strong minded
youth and a descendant of the Puritan
Martyrs. Disinterested friends said
that the young sprig would get some of
the old Puritan treatment in 20th cen
tury form if he didn't change his ways.
The peculiar feature of the Bullhead
ed Youth's strong mindededness was
that every one was wrong but him.
The well-known Rolling Stone had
nothing on him when it came to roll
ing from one job to another for of a
truth the only job he ever held more
than a week was the one of planting
his Trilbies under the Paternal dining
room atble, thrice every 24 hours. At
this job we must pass him to the Lau
rel, he was there 40 day’s from the
Ace. But when it came to Garnering
in the Sheckels by the sweat of his,
brow, he usually was missing on about
three cylinders. His strong minded -
ness usually cropped out about the
second week he landed a job, and when
it Came to a discussion between the
Big Stick and the Bullheaded Youth,
usually the B. Y. said good afternoon
to the Cashier.
But as Bernard Shaw would say, we
are digressing. Somebody talked our
young hero into hiring out with Uncle
Sam and as this was one position he
had never given the,once over he al
lowed the recruiting sergeant to sign
him up. Now if our young friend had
had the sense of a youth his age, he
would have taken the advice of the R.
S., when he said, “Young men always
obey ybur superiors." Did our hero do
this? He did, just like the Pirates
won the pennant last year.
If Horatio Alger were writing this
little thing, he would continue by say-
TRENCH AND CAMP
ing that all went well with our young
friend, and it did, for about the usual
span of two weeks, and then his Pur
itanic traits began to do the Spring
flower stunt of pushing to the front.
Unfortunately the Top Kicker of his
company' never heard of the Puritans,
as he had never been out of sight of
West Philadelphia and who ever heard
of a Puritan in West Philadelphia? So
when the B. Y. P. T.'s began to assert
themselves the T. K. mistook them for
the traits of a Raspberry or in the
Parlance s;f the Elite, the Shirker.
Willie, (yes he still was called Willie),
insisted on arguing the case with the
Sarg. every time a detail was wanted,
and, of course, he had a Fat Chance
of beating the Sarg. to it.
Now the Sarg was a patient man,
how could he wear three stripes on his
sleeve, if he wasn’t, we ask, and he let
Willie pull the argue stuff for a long
time, oh alll of two weeks, and then
Willie became on speaking terms with
the Mop and Mess Floor. Now right
here is where everything got all gum
med up, or in the words of Arnold
Bennett, the thick plottened. Ac
cording to Hoyle, Willie should have
renigged on the army game right there
and bid them a sweet adieu, but when
he threatened that the C. O. was so
scared of losing him that he invited
him to remain in quarters for two
moons. Horrors!
Willie immediately began to increase
the burden of the Postmaster General
by buying up the available stamp sup
ply to notify the folks at home, how he
wes being picked on and of course his
Mother was for discharging the whole
army and getting another one. Now,
if little Willie had had a think tank
less than a foot thick he would have
come to life and cut out the Bullhead
ed stuff, but his Puritanic qualities
were working overtime and he was a
Conscientious Objector to the way the
things were being run.
Time went on. as time has a fashion
of doing, and Willie .had been in the
army two whole months, that is he
had been in the army two months, ac
cording to his enlistment papers, but
he had been in the jug five weeks. As
his last hitch in the cooler had been
for 14 days he got out at the end of
two weeks and after counting back on
the calendar he found he had said
Good Morn.'ng to the Cop on the .beat
on their corner for nearly 70 days.
Right away he puts in for furlough,
expecting of course that the C. O.
would burn the bearings in his trusty
( PHILOSOPHIC PHIL
Did you ever notice, that troubles arc
like dogs? The smaller they are, the
more they bother you.
Buck Private says he notices that some
business houses have a Latin phrase for
their motto* He suggests this one for
some down town merchants. Soc et tu
em.
We refuse to believe this one but here
It is as we heard it. A stude in the O. T.
C. was asked what made a fortification
and he replied. “Two twentlflcatiom
make a fortification.”
Sunshine broken In the rill, though
turned astray, is sunshine still.
Being everlastingly on the job, beats
carrying a rabbit’s foot for luck.
Remember the steam kettle. Though
its up to its neck in hot water, it still
sings.
A certain man in Augusta remarked
the other day that he was going tc
change his daughter’s name to Misery.
When asked why, he said it was because
she loved company so well.
Blessed are thev that are ignorant, for
they are happy in thinking that they
know everything.
Getting into the guard house is much
like falling into the river; its much easier
to get in than get out.
A Southern beauty recently described
a lieutenants mustache as a bang under
his nose. Easy girlie, easy, or you are
liable to get a bank under the nose.
Heard when the Sarg distributed the
mail recently: “Well, if I don't get a
letter today. I want to know what she
was doing last Sunday afternoon.”
Don't get discouaged. Oftentimes its
the last key on the ring that opens the
lock.
Waterman, signing the papers. But
Jor some reason unknown to William,
the C. O. gave his request the merry
ha! ha! and advised him to Can the
Furlough Chatter and get down to
Brass Tacks.
We now come to the time when Wil
lie broke into the .secret Shrine of the
order of A. W. O. L.’s. Firmly grasp
ing the necessary iron men in his fist,
Willie shook the dust of the camp from
his number 9’s an. hied to the R. R.
station and after passing the ticket
clerk, the high sign and thirty cart
wheels, he hops onto the Pullman and
two days more saw him getting his
ham and cabbage neath the paternal
roof. Os course the folks did the prod
igal son stuff by him and the Doting
Aunt, did some more doting to the tune
of a swell blow-out for his friends and
after a stay of ten days or rather ten
nights, our hero decided to save the
army from the eternal bow wows and
Continued on page 14
G r i n-A ids
Thomas B. Reed once went into an
unfamiliar barber shop to be shaved.
The negro barber began to try to sell
a hair tonic.
“Hair purty thin, sub,” he said;
“been that way long, suh?”
“I was born that way,” replied Reed.
“Afterward I enjoyed a brief peroid of
hirsute efolrescence, but it did not en
dure.”
• The barber gasped and said no more.
Later some one told him he had shaved
the speaker.
“Speakah!” he exclaimed. “Don’t I
know dat? I should say he was a
speaker, sure ’nuff!”—Christian Reg
ister.
“I hereby pledge that if I don’t I
will.” said Berliner Bust, Randolph
N. D., as he signed his name to en
listment papers at the United States
navy recruiting station.
“You are almost too good to be true,”
said the lieutenant in charge, as the
chap with the ominous name affixed
his signature, enlisting his services
for four years. But Berliner Bust
asserted he meant every word of the
bath.
Two enlistment blanks had to be
ton up before the officer could write
the name correctly rather than the
way it sounded.
It’s an obstacle race of about 7,000
miles, but that’s nothing if there is
“anything in a name.” —Case and Com
ment.
Two Much Leisure.
The Central America republics do
not constitute favorable spheres for
railway enterprises. Those who fee]
inclined to waste valuable efforts in
these regions would do well to pon
der over an incident related to the
Boston Record.
“The late Sylvanus Miller, civil en
gineer, who was engaged on a railroad
in Central America, and while seeking
local support for one such road, he at
tempted to give the matter point. He
asked a native:
“ ‘How long does it take you to carry
your goods to market by mule-back?'
“ ‘Three days, senor, was the reply.
“ ‘There’s the point,’ ’said Miller.
‘With our road in operation you could
take your goods to market, and be
back home in one day.'
“ ‘Very good, senor,’ answered the
native, ‘but what would we do the
other two days?”—Railway and Loco
motive Engineering.
Page 7
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