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JUNE 12.
Grin-Aids
He was a proper professional con
jurer, and, after proceeding to get the
audience under his spell he commenced
in real earnest.
“Now, ladies and gentlemen," he said,
with a wave of the hand, “This is the
magic cabinet. I invite any lady in the
audience to enter this cabinet. I wili
then close the door, and when it shall
be opened again, th lady will have dis
appeared, leaving no trace.”
There was an impressive silence un
til a little, undersized man in the sec
ond row turned to an enormous woman
who sat by him, and Ireathed eager
ly:
“M ria, dear, won’t you oblige the
gentleman?”
Pat Murphy one day was in New
York looking for a job. He entered the
mayor’s office and the mayor said he
would give him work if he answered
three questions. Here they are: 1.
What is the weight of the moon? Pat
said he could not answer that. 2. How
many stars are in the sky? Pat said he
could not answer it. 3. What am I
thinking about? “Sure, I could not
answer any of them.” replied Pat.
“Well, go home and think them over
and come in as soon as you can,” said
the mayor. Pat went home and
told his brother Mike. Then Mike said:
“You don’t fret. Hand me your
clothes and I’ll soon settle that fellow,"
said Mike. Next day Mike started off
for the mayor’s office, dressed up as
Pat, and told the mayor he was ready
to answer the questions. “What is the
weight of the moon?" “One hundred
pounds,” replied Mike; “twenty-five
pounds to each quarter, four quarters.”
“Very good,” said the mayor. “How
many stars in the sky?” “One billion,
sixty-six millions, four hundred and
seventy-two thousand and forty."
“Capital," said the mayor. “What atn
I thinking of?” “Ye’re thinking I'm
Pat, but you’re terribly mistaken, for
I'm his brother Mike.”
“Dick,” said a girl to her lover one
night recently, “you’ve been drinking
coffee, haven't you?”
He admitted it.
“Why do you drink it” she said.
“Well,” he answered, thoughtlessly;
“I did it because I was coming to see
you and wanted to keep awake.”
He is looking for a new girl now.
Binks held out his hand to the young
man advancing up the street.
“Why, old ma. I haven't seen you
for ages,” he said.
The other returned his handshake as
he replied:
“Ah, but I saw you only yesterday
doing a gallant action. You were giv
ing up your seat to a lady.”
Blinks reflected a moment.
“Well, that wasn’t exactly gallantry.
It was really self-defense,” he answer
ed. “Rather than have her stand on
my feet I preferred to stand on them
myself.”
“Sedentary work,” said the college
lecturer, “tends to lessen the endur
ance."
“In other words," butted in th . smart
student, “the more one sits the less one
can stand.”
“Exactly,” retort the lecturer; “and
if one lies a great deal-one’s standing is
lost completely.”
Former Senator George Sutherland
of Utah, relates the following: “One
evening a young man attended a circus
where one of the big features of the
show was a beautiful lion tamer. En
tering the ring, followed by a lion, the
fair charmer placed a lump of sugar
between her lips, which the king of the
forest took from her with his teeth.
Instantly the youth sat up and began to
take notice. ‘Great stunt all right,’ he
enthusiastically shouted to the per
former. “but I can do it too!” ‘Of
course,’ scornfully replied the pretty
performer, who didn’t like having her
act minimized, 'but do you really think
you can?’ ‘Most assuredly,’ was the
prompt rejoinder of the young man,
‘just as well as the lion.‘ "
“Young Dobbins is a wise man. You
have to give him credit."
“What has he done now?"
“He is remaining neutral in the war
fare between his wife and their cook.”
PHILOSOPHIC PHil.
’Tenshun.
Buck Private suggests that all dogs
in the camp be painted khaki color. The
next step would be to run said dogs,
until they became out of breath, till
they pant, in fact. This would produce
a bunch of khaki pants. Herb Hoover,
McAdoo, et. al, please take notice.
Our idea of a real time is to get out
in the woods for a day, with a cheese
sandwich and a doughnut for forage,
with several libations of nature’s bests
for a washdown. But you can’t make
a girl see it that way.
Half soled shoes and trousers to be
popular and patriotic says headline.
Huh. We wish that had been so about
ten years ago.
We would have lead the league in
patriotism.
McAdoo intends to tax excess war
profits possibly as high as Great Brit
ain, which is 80 per cent. We wonder
how that will apply to some of these
TRENCH AND CAMP
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JSftHP HAiiPoer, AUGUSTA. GA-
restaurants that charge 15 cents for 2
thin layers of war bread and an innoc
ulation of cheese, and call it a cheese
sandwich?
Maybe
We are dense;
But we can’t understand.
How, after a boob
Has been de
Dieting
The
Available supply
Os flowers, candy, etc.,
On a girl, and after
Eight months’ suspense,
Pops the question
She springs that
“This is so sudden
Gag."
Where 410 th./
Get that
Stuff?
The reason why a woman hates to
have her husband waste 10 cents on
a cigar is because she has to pay 75
cents for a box of rice powder with a
flavor in it.
Some men have all kinds of ability
but corkability. Men and bottles are
about the same. They are not worth
much without a stopper.
What are those bugles blowin’ for?
Cy Heckart said in bed.
To turn you out, to turn you out.
The Sales Room Sergeant said.
What makes you dress so bally fast?
Cy Heckart said in bed.
TRENCH AND CAMP—
I’ dreadin’ what I have to do,
The Sales Room Sergeant said.
For they’re drillin’ of the Q. M. C.
They're startin’.us today.
The Bugle Sergeant’s ready
And he’ll soon begin to play
And they’re makin’ us do Rights by
Squads
And stand for Reveille.
Oh! they’re drillin’ of the Q. M. in the
mornin’.
Ures trooly,
B. RICHARDS.
HOSTESS ROOM AT
SOLDIERS’ CLUB POPULAR
The hostess room at the Soldiers' Club
was a lively place on last Saturday aft
ernoon. The hostess committee was pres
ent for the first time, and the parlor
was crowded throughout the afternoon
with soldiers who dropped in to meet the
ladies of Augusta. There was music
and dancing, and just enough of visiting
with the girls to make one think of home.
Extensive plans are being made for next
Saturday afternoon, and about four times
as many girls will be on hand. A cordial
invitation is extended to all men in uni
form and it Is hoped that many will take
advantage of this opportunity for meet
ing and making friends of the women and
girls of Augusa.
Our Weekly Fable In Slang
By BARTON RICHARDS
One thing at a time I say, and the
big thing first. But after the allies get
through putting the skids under this
Bill Hohenzollern person, and the
Crown Prince is working on the street
cleaners’ force on Unter Der Linden,
there’s one pest that I want to see
eliminated and that’s the well known
Grouch. You know him, his address is
in every directory in the country.
We used to have one in the old 18th.
He was the Alpha and Omega of all the
grouches I ever lamped. Talk about
taking the joy out of life; why that guy
could see the dark side of an electric
light and as for optimism, well it
wasn’t in this dude’s dictionary. Any
time he ever got invited to a party,
why goodnight jollity, levity and all its
relations, because this Disciple of
Gloom soon gave it all the Razz. Ac
cording to his dope Uncle Sam was all
wrong for taking a bust at this Berlin
Burglar for trying to put the bug on
him all the time. Honestly his face
was so gloomy that a rainy Sunday in
March looked like a peaceful June af
ternoon with the birds registering
gladness, when you compared the two.
His favorite gloom subject though
was this man’s army. Taking his word
for it, the Amerß _n Army was the
farthest south in efficiency, the poorest
fed and absolutely the worst treated of
any in the world. If we had chicken
for dinner, he told us that it was the
only thing they could get and the reas
on Sam gave us real wool shirts to
wear was to keep the woolen mills
running. Talk about getting your An
gora. Some of the boys were for feed
ing him a little nitroglycerin in his
soup some day and then walloping
him right where he lived.
That is until one morning that I’m
going to slip you the confidential on.
This morning I’m telling you about we
all lined up for Reweille and who’s
first in line but our friend the Grouch.
Marvelous. But what knocked us all
cool was his face. I’m not kidding you,
he had a real, honest-to-goodness 3-
inch smile on. One of these water
proof, hardpan, Doug Fairbanks grins.
I would just have soon expected to hear
th- Great Shynx sing the Rosary as to
see this lad smile. But there he was
kidding the Top Kicker (-yes, you can
kid some of them) and when someone
suggested that it might rain before the
‘day was over he comes back with the
breezy reply that if it did he knew
where there was a raincoat, and until it
did rain the best thing was to forget
it.
Well, I’m going to let him wise you
up as to how he did it. Here’s the way
be slipped it to us. He says, you see
fellows last night being payday, I
blew myself to a meal down town and
when I hit the feathers I felt rather
woozy below the belt. Well, I was just
in the second frame of my snooze when
I heard a motor outside. First I thought
it was the Kitchen Police snoring, and
then I got up and looked out and saw a
doozer of an aeroplane and the driver
asked me if I wanted a ride. 1 said
sure and wo hopped in.
Funny thing about this plane. It
could make 1,200 miles an hour with
out half trying and so I told the driv
er to step on her tail and we’d see the
world. In about 15 minutes we were
by Chicago and in a little while we
said so long to the Golden Gate and
the first thing I knew we were looking
down at the Russian army, or rather
what was left of it. They were just
getting supper when we got there and
from this on you’ll hear no remarks
out of me when the Mess Sergeant
throws out slum. They all looked as if
they had their wife’s last year kimona
on and as for shoes, goodnight. Well,
from there we hopped along and the
next thing I knew we were in Germany
Itoking at the German army.
They were just getting a meal too
and if the Russian army fed poor tho
Germans fed worse. They had a hunk
of what looked like dark gray con
crete that they called bread, and a
hunk of sausage that looked like the
artillery horse it used to be. And when
they got paid It looked like the change
out of a half a dollar after I’ve had a
shave and a cigar.
The driver next wanted to take a spin
out through France, but I says Nix,
I’m cured, lets get back to the little
old U. S. A. I might have been the
worst grouch in the outfit, but from
this on, watch me, that’s all, watch me.
Sunshine will ha.e ,to use Dutch
Cleanser to have anything on me.
That’s the answer. From that day on
he gets the well known biscuit for
optimism. Why, honestly, ts that bird
got caught out in a hailstorm now he
would try and make you believe that
it was ice cream. And if you ever re
mind him of the days when he grouch •
ed, he just grins, that’s all, just grins
Moral: —A word to the wise is Bi/*
flcient. Get wise.
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