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JUNE 19.
The Kaiser Reports For Duty In Hell
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Orderly (approaches with the Kaiser to Lucifer): “Your Majesty, the Kaiser reports for eternal duty. What shall Ido with him?"
Lucifer: “Put him on an everlasting incinerator detail.”
Grin-Aids
The inmates of an asylum were one
day very busy at work wheeling bar
rows of stone from one plance to anoth
er, when one poor fellow was seen to
' heel his barrow upside down. “Why
don't you wheel your barrow right?”
called one of the inmates. “I’m not
such a lunatic as you. If I do that
they’ll fill it for me.”
Mrs. Gushall was one of those
mothers who are always praising their
children to the skies, and never allows
any one else to get in a word edgeways.
For a whole afternoon's visit she had
held forth about the remarkable intelli
gence of her son, aged five. At last
she showed signs of going,” she gushed.
“I don’t want to be late. My dear lit
tle son is going to the zoo.” The hostess
glanced at the “dear little son,” who
sat smugly listening to his mother’s
oration, and remarked with silly soft
ness: “Is he, really? My eon is going to
Harvard.”
"This is the smallest fifty pounds of
ice I ever saw.” said the kitchen lady.
"Permit me to inform you, madam,”
said the high-brow iceman, “hat the
apparent smallness is due to the in
tense cold to which we subject our ice
in the process of manufacture, there
by producing the closes contraction.’’—
Boston Transcript.
Well Seasoned.
“Did you see where the Germans as
sailed the Americans with mustard
gas?"
“Yes and in return the Americans
peppered them,”.
Lawyer—“l have here a pardon from
th i governor for my client, John Joy.”
Warden—“AU right; let Joy be un
confined.”
A letter had been received by the
sergeant-major of artillery from the
war office, with reference to one Gun
ner Green, who, reported killed, had ar
rived at Woolwich. Could a full and
satisfactory explanation of same be
forwarded?
The N. C. O. gave the matter much
thought and then forwarded this reply:
“Green was an old comrade of mine.
I visited him when he was dying of his
wounds, and then saw his buried.
Hence I know that he is dead, and am
considerably surprised to hear of his
return to Woolwich, but please exone
rate me from further blame, inasmuch
as I am not responsible for his subse
quent movements.”
“Why did she marry him?”
“So he’d be glad to enlist- She hates
a slacker.”
TRENCH AND CAMP
Our Weekly Fable In Slang
By BARTON RICHARDS
In this job of making the world safe
for the Democracy, we’ve got rid of a
heap of things that we used to have.
For instance the 100 per cent wheat
loaf, the Czar of Russia, and it is'nt
going to be long before another old
time honored institution, our old
friends Tom and Jerry will be as scarce
as harmony in the Austrian cabinet.
This Hooverizing business is just like
the realm of music. They put the
Fritz on Kreislers playing and Freed
a Hempel girl from warbling which 1
claim is all to the tobacco, but as long
as they insisted on putting the clamps
on some of them, they might as well
have gone the limit and put the soft
pedal on some cf these amateur With
erspoons that insist on showing up
along about 9:30 p. m. every night.
Talk about your alien enemies, these
birds come in about class A. And the
worst part of it is that they show no
signs of their infirmity during the day,
but just as soon as the stars show up
for the first inning and alfter the
last edition of the evening pape~ is out
these warblers tune up? Fino dope.
After a hard days work down town and
a harder days work getting a car out
to 59th street, you finally get home
and after giving the war bread the
double oo and the juvenile steak that
the butcher slipped the wife has receiv
ed the proper attention you drag out
the evening Bulletin and proceed to
light up the old dudeen to enjoy life.
You get me, you settle back in the old
morris and elevate-your number tens
up on the window ledge, after diplo
matic relations hav- i een strained with
the wife, explaining to her that your
feet are tired, and you’re just about
on the third column of the spo. t page,
when over about the third fla to the
left you hear what you at first de
cide is the neighbors boy filing asaw
and then after you listen a while you
come to the conclusion that the kid
has been loading up < n green apples
and then after a minute or so, you de
cide that you were wrong all together,
theres a board loose on the house and
nails are squeaking.
All wrong as usual. Its our friends
with the ten cent voice and the mil
lion dollar imagination singing an aria
from one of these operas that were
written by some chap who needed a
haircut and whose named- sounded like
a heavy sneeze and a gargle,
I remember when our neighborhood
was as free from that pest as Lake Erie
is from submarines and outside of a
friendly argument between some of
the neighborhood women occasionally
when somebody borrowed th lawn
mower and forgot to bring it back, har
mony was the keynote of the ward.
But that was before the war.
Along about the time Italy jumped
into the fuss, there was a chap came
to board next door but one to us. Out
side of the fact that he needed a. hair
cut and his name was blocked out in
sentences there was nothing dangerous
1 >king about him.
I forgot all about the new boarder
until about three days after he thrust
himself upon our fair ward, and then
he introduces himself. I had just
draped my sylph like form over the
porch swing one evening and had
things all set for three hours of real
enjoyment when the most unearthly
noise rent the peaceful summer at
mosphere. I thought at first that some
body had stopped a revolving door
with their face and I was for calling
the Doctor when the wife slipped me
the glad tidings that it was the new
boarder taking his lesson. It sounded
to me like he was taking poison or a
walloping. First he would open up
with a tremolo stop effect and after
coasting along for a mile or so, he
would step on the gas and drift into a
hit and miss arrangement that sound
ed like a forty horse power auto that
had 39 of the horses down with the
opizoot, and heaves and then from
there he gave us a good imitation of a
March wind doing a one step through
the trees. Pretty soon he stops for
gr.s and I thought we had finished
with- the performance but it seems that
this was just a prelude to what was
coming. He started up on a different
line this trip, the wife said he was
singing an aria, although how large
an aria she didn’t say. The nearest
thing I ever heard to it was a home
sick cow that a neighbor of ours bought
one time before we gave the rural life
the fond farewell.
And that’s why I say Hoover didn’t
go far enough. We have wheatless
days, meatless days and almost eatless
days, wo have 3 cent fares, and war
tax on theatre tickets. Why not a
law against these disturbers of the
common peace who masquerade as sing
ers. Nobody likes real music anymore
than I do. Many the time, I’ve paid
a plunk and a half to hear Al Jolson
and we have a record of Enry Co
Caruso on the Victrola, but when it
comes to these amateur pipers, with a
voice that makes you feel like the
breaking up of a hard winter, I draw
the line.
Moral. There ain’t none.
| PHILOSOPHIC PH!L
This Georgia sun certainly will have
the thermometer going “over the top”
if it gets any hotter.
The
Other night
We ordered a
Waffle and a sand
Wich down town and
When we saw the
Color of them
And knew that
It was Hoover’s
Fault, we
Came to the
Conclusion
That Sherman
W as
Right.
The new order says that everyone
must work or fight. How about these
chaps who have been figh'ing for years
and years—fighting to get away from
work.
After all a man is a good bit like a
worm. He wanders about in an aim
less sort of a fashion and then some
chicken gets him.
If a man argues with you there is a
possibility that you may be right. But
if a woman argues witli you, its a
cinch you are wrong.
Love is something that makes a fel
low feel that a girls eyes are a : imros
cope and he is an insect.
Speaking of that grand and glorious
feeling, we can’t imagine anything to
beat that feeling whet the C. O. calls
you in and says that you’re, con mis
sion has come through. Oh Bo; I
Sprechen sie French ?
Safely First Pays.
A man advertised for a good drivey.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a
Frenchman answered the ad. The
place to drive was on a big hill. The
man asked the Frenchman how close
to the edge he could drive. He answer
ed: “About four feet.” The English
man said he could drive within about
two feet. The Irishman said, “If I
was driving I would stay as far away
as I could.” Ho got the job.
It is disloyal to give the enemy
points—unless they are bayonet points.
At a reception in Washington the
colored official who looedk after the
autos was directed to call “the car of
the Guatemalan minister. You under
stand the Guatemalan minister?”
“Yes, sah; I understand puffectly,
sah,“ he replied, and then shouted:
"The car fo’ de watermelon minister.”
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