The times. (Gainesville, Ga.) 1972-current, November 04, 2018, Image 26

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The times., November 04, 2018, Image 26

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Newspaper Page Text2E Sunday, November 4, 2018 The Times, Gainesville, Georgia | gainesvilletimes.com LIFE LIVING WITH CHILDREN LOS ANGELES TIMES SUNDAY CROSSWORD Th.e postmodern parenting standard In an opinion piece recently featured on FoxNews.com, Jonathan Pokluda explicates his ten habits of extraordinary parents. Pokluda, a teaching pastor at a mega-church in Texas, and his wife are in the midst of what he terms “the parenting experiment” with three young children. In the introduction to his, ten habits, Pokluda says that according to his observa tions, extraordinary young people come from extraor dinary parents. I don’t know where he’s making his observations, but tales abound of extraordinary people whose children have gone off the proverbial deep end and never made it back. Likewise, tales abound of fine, upstanding people who were raised by parents who fell far short of extraordi nary. The very false notion that extraordinary people are raised by extraordinary people does nothing but set a good number of people up for paralyzing guilt. Pokluda asserts that “if there was a parenting score- board, spending time with our kids is how we’d earn points.” That’s the postmod ern parenting standard, for sure. Being a millennial, raised after the psycho logical parenting revolution of the late 1960s/1970s, Pokluda doesn’t know that the mental health of chil dren in the 1950s, before “parenting” was even a word and when parents did not feel a compulsion to spend lots of time and be involved — when, in other words, the raising of children was a minimalistic proposition — was ten times better than the mental health of today’s kids. In today’s parenting lexicon, the word “involve ment” is a euphemism for micromanaging, which never works for anyone con cerned. Today’s “parenting” is all about establishing and maintaining a wonderful relationship. Fifty-plus years ago, when kids as a group were much, much happier than they are today, parents understood that their first and foremost responsibility was to provide leadership and that proper leader ship led, slowly but surely, to proper relationship. Put relationship first and discipline will be difficult, stressful, and often lead to regretful outbursts from parents, which, I suspect, is why Pokluda lists asking for forgiveness from one’s kids among histen habits. Wrong. JOHN ROSEMOND www.rosemond.com By definition, extraordinary parents don’t have to ask for forgiveness. They know what they’re doing and they do it with authoritative con fidence. But Pokluda’s most glar ing error is that of omitting extraordinary parents are husband and wife first, mom and dad second. He and his wife and obviously completely immersed in the roles of Mommy and Daddy. With every inten tion of helping them before that can gets kicked too far down the road, that is the single biggest of all parent ing errors. The following is an unarguable fact: nothing puts a more solid foundation of security and well being under a child’s feet than the knowledge his parents are in an active, committed (it does not have to be, nor will it be, perfect) relationship. A strong marriage, not lots of involvement, is the greatest gift parents can give children. Within that state of grace, children do not clamor for attention; they thrive, in fact, on being allowed the freedom that comes from not being the center of attention — an idol. Because it is obvious that their parents love one another, they feel more than adequately loved. Because their parents are on the same page (the natural result of creating a marriage-centered family), they obey, and make no mis take, the best research has found what common sense will affirm: the more obedi ent the child, the happier the child. Children leave someday, which is why it is so impor tant to take care, in the meantime, of that which remains — or is supposed to, at least. Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents’ questions online at www. rosemond.com or via email questions@rosemond.com Fifty-plus years ago, when kids as a group were much, much happier than they are today, parents understood that their first and foremost responsibility was to provide leadership and that proper leadership led, slowly but surely, to proper relationship. ANNOUNCEMENTS FAMILY REUNION Hicks, Murrayville. 12:30 p.m. Dec. 2. Bethel Community Building, 6039 Mount Vernon Road, Murrayville. Please bring a covered dish, old family photos and musical instruments. Judy Patrick, 678-481 -8828. “ALPHABETICAL ORDER” By MARK McClain ACROSS 1 “College Football Live” channel 6 Apple-order link 9 Turner’s device 14 Start-the-day ABC talk show, familiarly 17 Govt, red tape reduction 18 Parched 20 Burger add-on 21 Smooth, in a way 22 First-aid kit brand 24 Reprimanded 26 More achy 27 Harassed impertinently 29 “Bolero” composer 30 Palais resident 32 Piece of land 34 Antipoverty agcy. 35 “ was I?” 36 Liz Taylor’s husband before Richard Burton 39 One whose mouth shouldn’t be examined? 43 “ there, done that!” 44 Blowhard 46 NYC area above Houston Street 47 Nickname usually related to hair color 50 Drew , Patriots’ quarterback before Brady 52 Upscale retailer 56 Disloyal crimes 62 One of three planetary motion principles 64 Menlo Park initials 65 Opera outburst 66 Green-lights 67 Sketch 68 Ward (off) 70 Raised a ruckus, say 74 Song of worship 75 Indulge 76 U.N. workers’ agcy. 77 Slow, on scores 79 Humdinger 80 Source of zest 84 What a texter usually expects 86 N.C. neighbor 87 “Sacre bleu!” kin 89 Extra NHL periods 90 To the : maximally 91 Himalayan native 95 Small cells 99 Donut... or the consequence of eating too many of them? 104 Car on craigslist 107 Jazz pianist Chick 108 Can cover 110 Shop 111 La. neighbor 112 One on a trail 113 Song title words before “for Miles” 116 Connection points 118 Ways to detect fractured trapeziums 120 Restricted parking area, perhaps 124 Top-drawer 125 Nemo’s creator 126 Falco of “The Sopranos” 127 Words of domination 128 Waze ways: Abbr. 129 Dot in the ocean 130 Pampering place 131 Components of fences DOWN 1 Author LeShan 2 Bama’s conf. 3 Act the chair 4 Mount from which Moses saw the Promised Land 5 Lorre’s “Casablanca” role 6 Two-time British Open champ Harrington 7 Keogh plan rel. 8 Pizzas slices, commonly 9 Age of Reason philosopher 10 Not digital 11 Shower wall item 12 Hang onto 13 OKC-to-Tulsa dir. 14 Muppet prone to eschewing contractions 15 Lawn machines 16 Shakers founder 19 Not a good mark 21 Sun Valley state 23 Soft toy brand 25 BBC time traveler 28 Reef material 30 Hoops stat. 31 Tribute in verse 33 Breakaway nation: Abbr. 37 Crucifix letters 38 Pulls back 40 Brit, police rank 41 Trick 42 “... I wed” 45 “Wall Street” antagonist 48 Stefan of tennis 49 Spiegel: German magazine 51 Arnaz-Ball studio 52 Bygone boomers 53 Li’l Abner drawer 54 Poet Gibran 55 Like England’s “the Fens” 56 “Turn on the AC!” 57 Mother 58 Low naval rank 59 Fruity spread 60 Egg cells 61 Able or full follower 63 Think tank output 66 Tokyo-born Yoko 69 World Cup skiing champ Lindsey 71 Perry of fashion 72 Due times tre 73 Bus. letter insert 78 Ref’s call 81 Send forth 82 sci 83 ’acte 84 Q&A part, briefly 85 Morales of “Jericho” 88 Israeli prime ministers Barak and Olmert 90 Ticker 92 Works on a lawn 93 Calif, summer hrs. 94 “Anne of Green Gables” setting 96 Pantomimes 97 Pub pint, perhaps 98 symbol 99 Pair in “awaken” 100 “Little grey cells” detective 101 Acting father and son 102 Piece maker? 103 Funny Boosler 105 Buck back? 106 Harry Potter’s owl 109 Map within a map 113 More than annoys 114 Poet Sandburg 115 Hurricane feature 117 Cornell founder Cornell 119 Driving age in old Rome? 121 Gloss target 122 Div. with Braves 123 Some RPI grads 11/4/18 xwordeditor@aol.com ©2018 Tribune Content Agency, LLC. SOLUTION, 4E a 1 | Sponsored by: /\ 1 jS NORTH GEORGIA /\.OOPt Hie! jet Cremations CE 770-540-2078 Jit From the Humane Society of Northeast Georgia 845 Ridge Road, Gainesville | Hours: 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Monday through Saturday, 1 -5 p.m. Sunday. Phone: 770-532-6617 | website: www.hsnega.com Meet Raven Raven is 5 months old and currently HSN EGA’s longest- tenured cat. She would love for you to call her yours! ID number: 39312148 Meet Grindelwald Grindelwald is a 3-year-old Boxer mix. He might look grumpy but he is a super happy-go-lucky pup. He would love to be your best furry friend! ID number: 39947320 From the Hall County Animal Shelter 1688 Barber Road, Gainesville | Hours: 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Tuesday through Saturday Phone: 678-450-1587 | website: www.hallcounty.org/276/Animal-Services Meet Harley Meet Hank Harley is a 2-year-old female domestic shorthair cat. Hank is a 1 -year-old male beagle mix. ID number: 39914106 ID number: 39906488 Check out these pets’ pictures in color at www.gainesvilletimes.com Estranged father reappears, wants custody of their son Question: I sincerely believe my son would be bet ter off with me. I did not see him much when he was very young — we had him when we were 17 and 18. He is now 7 and in the last year I have spent a lot of time with him. His mother parties way too much and posts herself get ting drunk on Facebook. It’s time he lives with me. I’m going to court in two weeks to get full custody. What’s good ex-etiquette? Answer: I don’t know your case personally, but let me explain what I think happened. This is in no way displaying a prejudice or making a judgment, it’s sim ply making an observation about what I’ve seen happen thousands of times over my years in practice. DR. JANN BLACKSTONE dr.jann@exetiquette.com Two very young people have a child. The father isn’t ready and isn’t involved in the child’s life. The mother takes on most of the respon sibility, often living with her parents for a period of time until she gets on her feet. She meets someone else who steps in as the male parent figure. Father even tually meets someone else, as well, has another child and realizes he should have been there the entire time. He contacts the mother who often doesn’t want him involved because her new significant other has stepped up. Sometimes the child isn’t even told that mother’s significant other isn’t the biological parent, and that’s another can of worms we won’t even address. Bottom line, the father then chases mom through court to get time with his child. If you have been seeing your son over the last year or so, then mom is open to you having a relationship with your son — which is excellent — but you have to work with her if you want to get more time on paper. Reason being, your son has lived with her his whole life and hopefully he’s doing well. You just got there in the last year. Unless mom is really having trouble with substance abuse — and that means strung out and CPS is involved, DUIs, arrests, it’s doubtful a major change will be made. There may be changes made in the parent ing plan to allow you more time, but unless the issues I mentioned above are pres ent, it may not be regarded as in the child’s best interest to change custody. Now, let’s address Face- book and Instagram posts. Mom? You out there? Get those posts off social media. Anything posted on social media is admissible in court. It’s legal to drink and there is no proof the child was pres ent, but there are multiple reasons you don’t want that stuff out there: One, it’s ammunition in court if there ever is a custody battle. (I hope you never “battle,” but look for solutions together. That’s good ex-etiquette.) Two, when your child is an adolescent and possibly has their own Facebook page, even if he/she wasn’t present, he/she would see the behavior. Our job as parents if we drink is to demonstrate firsthand how to drink responsibly. Pic tures on Facebook abusing alcohol or drugs does not teach your child to drink responsibly. Plus, if you’re friends with your child’s friends’ parents who see the pictures, they may not want their child around that, and now you have embarrassed your child. So, it sounds like everyone has to take a breath and sit down and talk about what you both want for your child. Fighting will never get you the help you both need. Respect and compromise will. (Ex-etiquette for Par ents rules No. 9 and 10) It’s going to take a change in mindset, but if you want to be an active parent in your child’s life you have to work with mom, not against her. That’s good ex-etiquette. Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation.” She can be contacted at dr.jann@ exetiquette.com.