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The Times, Gainesville, Georgia | gainesvilletimes.com
Wednesday, November 28, 2018 5B
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Ending grocery store battle with wife
CAROLYN HAX
tellme@washpost.com
Dear Carolyn:
My wife and I often
grocery shop together.
My wife will predict
ably identify something
among my few items
and ask that I return it
to the shelf. It reminds
me of a mother telling
a child to put back the
Lucky Charms. Yet, she
may have a few similar items.
I typically put up some resistance
but relent to avoid an in-store argu
ment. These episodes have taken
their toll on me.
I have voiced my feelings to my
wife in the moment and during
therapy. These small issues have
become a metaphor for what I feel is
belittling me and my role.
I was recently disappointed to see
this behavior continue. I can calmly
explain again to my wife that this
behavior humiliates me and makes
me want to avoid shopping together.
I am certain, however, she will
accuse me of being oversensitive
and painting her as a monster, and
nothing will change.
Should I simply stand down from
shared shopping excursions? Is
“giving up” a healthy strategy? I
will need to explain why I no longer
accompany her.
— Disappointed
A few points before we get to the
grocery aisle:
That you’re in counseling says this
is a bigger issue involving a lot more
than encroachment on your inalien
able right to grab a box of Ho Hos.
Yes?
That she’s still correcting you after
you’ve said your piece
about feeling belittled
says she (still) believes
she has a right to tell
you what to do, and
therefore will keep
doing it.
So you’re married to
someone who is con-
_ trolling and who appar
ently would rather
gaslight you — “she will accuse me
of being oversensitive” — than chal
lenge her own behavior.
This is the problem in your mar
riage. Because there’s never a bad
time for a 45-year-old movie refer
ence, I’ll let “The Exorcist” speak:
“There is only one.”
You can simply stop shopping with
her, yes, and tell her why. But that
only spares you some cart rage and
leaves the problem intact.
Anything shopping-related, in
fact, will be a repair on the margins
unless you apply it across your rela
tionship, as a matter of both prin
ciple and self-preservation.
The response that addresses the
problem itself is to decline to be
controlled. Calmly, firmly, and with
out fear of an “in-store argument,”
because she knows you fear that and
counts on it to silence you.
Tweak your phrasing to reflect
the situation, of course — but when
you’re told to return an item, a cool
and quiet, “I am not your child,” will
suffice. Items stay in the cart.
If she responds to this by making a
scene — expect it — leave the scene
calmly and promptly where practi
cal, and otherwise calmly finish buy
ing food.
Again: Quietly refuse to be con
trolled. Make this your blueprint for
finding the words and actions in the
heat of a moment that preserve the
right to self-determination due any
competent adult. Take this blueprint
with you to the store, to the kitchen
table, in the car, on vacation. Apply
it with a two-part strategy of holding
firm and then, as needed, declining to
act in her scene.
Quietly refuse to be controlled.
This is your start. Therapy solo is
next. That’s how you navigate wher
ever your marriage goes next.
Chat with Carolyn online at noon each
Friday www.washingtonpost.com.
DAILY CROSSWORD
ACROSS
1 Creative works
5 Kukia’s friend
9 Deejay’s platters
14 Myth
15 Company
emblem
16 LPGA standout
Lorena —
17 You said it!
18 Pacific island
19 Horror flick extra
20 Encouragement
23 Books reviewer
24 The Supremes’
label
25 Had a bite
27 Went quickly
30 Hunter’s org.
31 Peace gesture
34 Doled out
36 Kitchen
appliance
40 Lemony
42 Ocean, in
Mongolian
44 Ancient Roman
poet
45 Slightly tinted
47 Like an old piano
49 Actress — Irving
50 Novak of
“Vertigo”
52 More logical
54 Jungle cat
58 Worried
62 Poet’s
contraction
63 Secret
66 Dirt
68 Harness piece
69 Think-tank output
70 Herd of cattle
71 Await action
72 Move toward
73 Fine violin, briefly
74 Popular cookie
75 Seeks info
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Type of clock
Ill-fated lover
Pick up the tab
Motion detector
Sashayed
6 Crowd noise
7 — Khan
8 Names of
things
9 Turns down a
page (hyph.)
10 Berlin pronoun
11 Stun
12 Two-door car
13 Buffet item
21 Did the crawl
22 24-hour info
station
26 “Elder”
statesman
28 “L’—, c’est moi”
29 NYC eateries
31 Tank
32 ‘The Name of
the Rose” author
2018 UFS, Dist. by Andrews McMeel for UFS
33 One, to Fritz
35 Funny —
Carvey
37 Roe
38 Enthusiasm
39 Ice cream
pioneer
41 Hockey feint
43 Sly suggestion
46 Left in the lurch
48 Cravings
51 “Bien” opposite
53 Eye part
54 Campus
women (hyph.)
55 Courage
56 Misprint
57 Marx brother
59 Staff members
60 Move furtively
61 Trips around
the sun
64 —do-well
65 Sup well
67 Rural elec.
provider
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BRIDGE
FRENCH KISS
Neither vulnerable. North deals
NORTH
A K 10 4
Q J 10 5 2
O A85
* A Q
WEST
A A Q 9
064
O J 10 7
*97643
EAST
* Void
OAK983
OK642
* K J 10 5
SOUTH
AJ876532
VI
OQ93
*82
The bidding:
NORTH EAST SOUTH WEST
1** 19 3A** Pass
4* All pass
^Precision, artificial with at least
16 points
*^Pre-emptive
Opening lead: Six of ^
Today’s deal is from a youth
competition earlier this year. It is
from a match between a team from
China and a team from France. North
could not have been faulted for
passing three spades, as the auction
told him that his heart suit might
not be very useful. Blame it on the
“exuberance of youth.”
The opening heart lead went to
dummy’s 10 and Fast’s King. What
would you return from the East
hand at trick two? A diamond seems
reasonable, but it wouldn’t defeat the
contract. Declarer would win with
the queen and lead a spade to the
10 — the correct percentage play.
The best West could do would be
to rise with his ace and lead another
diamond. Dummy’s ace would win
and the queen of hearts would be
led for a ruffing finesse. Assume
East covers with the ace, although
it wouldn’t matter. South would ruff
and lead another spade, drawing
West’s trumps, and then discard a
minor suit loser on the jack of hearts.
Making four.
Young Leo Rombaut of France
found the winning defense. He
returned the eight of hearts at trick
two. South discarded a club as
dummy’s jack took the trick. The
ace of clubs and a club ruff got him
back to his hand to lead a spade,
but West rose with his ace to lead
a diamond. This set up a diamond
trick for East and there was no way
to prevent West from scoring a heart
ruff with the queen of spades. Down
one. Nice play!
Unscramble these Jumbles,
one letter to each square, |
to form four ordinary words. I
THAT SCRAMBLED WORD GAME
By David L. Hoyt and Jeff Knurek
NAGIT
yL
LENKT
7"8
INIOCC
7"8
7^
BBRASO
8 Z
7 N
FINANCIAL INSTITUTIONS NEEP
yOUR BUSINESS ANP ARE —
©2018 Tribune Content Agency, LLC
All Rights Reserved-
7^
7^
7>
7^
8^
7 ^
Now arrange the circled letters
to form the surprise answer, as
suggested by the above cartoon.
yL
Yesterday’s
(Answers tomorrow)
Jumbles: SCOFF IGLOO DEFIED BOBBLE
Answer: The movie set in the pizza parlor showed a —
SLICE OF LIFE
SUDOKU
DIFFICULTY RATING: ★★☆☆☆
HOW TO PLAY
Each row, column and
set of 3-by-3 boxes must
contain the numbers
1 -9 without repetition
11/28
© 201B Disl. by Andrews McMecl Syndication for UFS
PREVIOUS SOLUTION
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