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att'lXXEn HER ALB,
published every Tuesday Eve
. __ ■■=.=
?IT ;,CRU'TION HTEB:
»isM"V. 11 - - - - 50
I,,ust *T V
411 ? and *f not renewed prompt
,,.xpiiutio" will lie dweounu
(t »I f lif ' 1
U t>d.
v UVBRTISEENTrt
lit elmraeter will be eharg
Of lir.-t insertion, and 50c
aehKtilwdueiit insertion.
‘•'Jlrmmmiiii-ations intended for
will, be enarged for
.l^'iU.'-advertised rates.
-■Mi,.rl ami newsy oominuiiiea
l>art of the county so
licited
general Directory.
Civil. (10VKRNMFNT
s l Hutchins. Judge Sup. Court,
j) |' Odin. Clerk Sup. Court,
j T Umkin. Or inary.
W I*. Cosby, SlieriH.
VV. K. Brown, Treasurer,
jl VV. Andrews. Tax Receiver.
j'iV y truer, Tax Oollectorr
Ky. Malletii Surveyor,
i j fl. Wilson, Coroner.
C lI’NTV COM MISSION ens.
I 1) Spence. Chairman and Clerk, N
Bennett, .‘I K Cloud, J. II llopKine, An
dres darner.
BsIARPOF KDOOATION.
f Winn, School Commissioner J.
JU Spe nee, . T- l’atillo, .J. Webb,
j it. Net 1, T K Winn.
JBSTICRS.
Usrenav.lle, 4071 h diat —W. C
Cole, J- I’-, M. li, Adair, N. I’, Ist Fri
'lititehire, 405 dist—J, W. Andrews,
j. |’„ Charles McKinney, N. P. 3rd
Saturday. ...
g,.,i nniith s, 316 disl—W. 1). Simms
J l’,J 0 Ilaathorn, N. P. 3rd Sat-
| ,r ßay Creek, 1295 diat—W..). Baggett
Ij J. T. McKlvaney, N\ P. lat Sat-
Lfov.
I tale ’. 408th diat—J. M, Arnold..),
p u.W Nieh, N. P,2nd Saturday
I Caine’s 562nd diat— A. Adams, J. P
|CK Tool. N l’., 3rd Saturday
I Duluth 1263 diat.—W. F, Brewer,,)
p Marion Roberts, N P., 'l'hnrsduy be-
I fore 4th Saturday
I Harbin’s47B dist —G. L. Knight
IJ, P., J W. Hamilton, N. P.
■Thursdaybefore Ist. Saturday.
I Hog Momtain, 414 dist —- \. L
Kammons, J. P , VV. L. Andrews,
Sp. 4 h Saturday.
I Mtrhn’s, 544 dist—Asa Wright,
np, J. lb Nowell, N. P. -Bn
liitnrdny.
| Noreresb, iOd—VV. It. Simpson,
ft.p, A. A Mirtin, N. P. Friday
lefore 3rd Siturday.
I Rock Bridge, 571 dist—A. 5.
■Lowery. J- P., E. J. Mason, N. P.
|)rd Saturday.
Sewanee, 404th dist—T. N.
Smith, J. P-, A (1. Harris, N P.
ini Saturday.
Buford, 550t1i dis —T. C. Bur
ion, J. P., J. M. Posey, N, P. Fri
iay before 3rd Saturday.
MUNIC'irAU.
Johu C. Smith, Mayor.
COUNCIL.
A L Moore, K it ilerrin S A Townley
IV .1 Brown
ARRIVAL AND DKPARTURL ON TRAIN
Arrives from Suwannee, 5 50 p. m
leaves lor Suwannee,-7 a - m.
ARRIVAL AND DKPAKTURK OF MAILS.
.brfBRSON— Arrives 12 in, dc parts
i.m., Monday and Thursday.
Traulbs Stork.—Departs 6 a m ar
ives(j pin, Monday and Thursday.
footiiviLLß. Arrives 10 u in, de
ws 1 p Daily.
Ykllow River.—Arrives 12 m., de
r>ris 6 a m„VV e Inesduy and Saturday
I W. H. 11ABVKY, P. A
I CHURCHES
I Baptist--Rev JL R Barrett, pastor
Imices every Sunday
■ Mkthodist— Rev M I)’Turner Pastor
■ervices on the Ist ami 2nd Sundays.
■SeuDAY School.— A T Pattillo* Supt
■terry Snmiay at 3 p m
■ PrssbvteriajY—llev J F McClelland,
■ui or. Services on 2nd and 4th Sundays
B each month,
■ Sindav School —T R Powell. Supt.
■’ery Sunday at 9.3 I a in-
I fraternal.
■ Uwukxckvillk Masonic Looue.—J
BSpenee W M., g A Hagood, S W ,
B Meets on Tuesday
pt ’« or befoi e lull moon in each
onth
Air V f.rnon Charter, No 39, R A
-J [) Spence, |j p > A | l uttiiio
, j' ee 'f Fiiday night be I ore the
o Sunday in each month.
‘-'wjkkett Superior Court— N. J..
11 chins, Judi>o. ('(inverfK on the Ist
oc uj in March aud Septeu hi r.
WlFowier,M.L
nu’ilm- ~J, v*‘ | itly located in win
irvi,..... - tenders bis profession a
;ls . ll l’hysieimi In tlie citizens
Ten rei ’ 1 "' 111 ' to all culls will lie
t, u .' ,- nn! 1 esideiu eut I lie rc.-i
koalsi-o a «J < ai " 011 "re Itui-i-ic-iiiic
i arell 24th ISB4—3mo
i Xo m ore eyeglasses
|
Pitcheli ! s
Eye Salve
lain . Sitfu, effective remedy for
!:s & iMfflsfa
T
sterii,,, and Re
ires Teur W 6 ' 1 of «ieold
istvf. t, U|u P e > Granulation,
* tJT TS ' lifcd E y«s, Mat
' J oe Lashes, and
Producing qcticJc
reae f and per
Hranenf
l '*° Wlllnl . < ’ ai ®
l tlu ' r 1 *i;U■ i'.'i i<’ ii<■ ioii« when used
V"} ’ 1"‘ -h as (r leers, Ke
£*. I‘Uei... Rurns, Rlieuni-
Z\ s ' “jU'cr inlhummi! ion
S? T **itiiß,. t 0 bul ve may be used
“ r *aleb v mi ,
» : ’lruggiata at 25 cents,
FEEEi
TYLER M. FEEI’LES, Ih-opriet- r
VOL XV.
L.KTORIAL ISRKVI'TIKS.
Russia and England appear to
be arming rapid y,
The air-br ike is a great success.
Wlat this la titude wants is a
weal hei-brake.
‘•There is yet balm in Gilead,’’
shunts an exchange. (food
enough ! But where the deuce is
Gilead.
It is said ihat a ion of gold is
annually buried with dead Ameri
cans. \\ eight of the brass no,
stated.
A recent death notice says :
“She was of sound mind an ex
eelent Health, but used Keiecene
'o start the tire.’
Col. Marcellas Thornton, late
roaring (ion of Georgia is at pres
ent editing a coal mine in Ken.
tneky.
It seems to be generally under
stood that ibe curly blond scalp
now dangling from the belt of
Obief Rar. dull came from Kentu:-
h‘ __
Col. Moiison’s prohecy, to /he
effect that he would represent ID.
in the Senate next winter, has not
vet begun to declare a dividend
The New proket of die Soudan
it El Saniaosi. He intimate g
Mahdi has been suspended, by
Mahomet, for disobedience of or
ders.
Gentle Annie— li you will give
us u poin/er as to when the spring
time may be certainly be expected
we will corner the cucumber mar
ket and set aside a block to your
credit.
ExsCongrossman John D
White, of Kentucky, lias gone out
of politics and will devote himself
to bis farm on Goose Creek
Goose Crock is proabiy a tributary
to rial/ River.
Partisan office holders who ex
pect to be bounced should contain
their souls in quiet. Ris a busy
season for Mr Cleye'aud and lie
may no/ be able to gel around be
fore summer. ,; tve the president a
flir showing.
The ruins of the Ursulins Cons
veet, at Somerville, Mass., which
have stood for more than a half a
cen ury as a silent reminder of the
violence of the aiiti-Catliobc mob
which destroyed the building on
the night of August 11, 1834, are
at last to bo removed.
“Sons of the Faith,” says the
Madi, as his bobtail vetra ns rush
to the front in battle, “Sons oftbe
Faiih, shoot the correspondents.
TLey will nevei let me win tv bat
tle ” This is why there are so
mar.y vacancies among Wolseiey's
staff correspondents.
It is claimed tkat ‘Old Saddle,.
bagsJce” was offered the Russian
mission and dec iaed it. incri-,
can whisky is not equal to the
Russian ciima'e and the Favorite
tipple of St. Petersburg, Ivrwas
er, has proven too strong in the
eases of several American diplo
mats .
Mr. E. I>. Clark, the recently ap
pointed asistant secretary of the
interior, has died before assuming
the duties of bis office. Air. Mal
colm Hay, the assistant jf ostmas
tur-genera 1 , is going to Florida in
searc i of health. The cabinet
.biers are complaining of tlu
train and work, aml the young
ml robust D u ici-vcy is not proof
gainst the horrible climate of
Wellington.
“Talk about dynamite, I can
telljvou a true story of what nitro
glycerine once did in our state. Ii
was out neu- Prairie du Chien,
where they were blasting on 'he
Chicago,' Milwaukee and St. Paul
road. The coutrac/or had several
kegs i f the stuff iu au under
ground place. One day a work
man left tho'-pkee open ; by and
by some hogs came along, found
a keg open, and us glycerine is
almost as sweet us honey, the ani
mal tilled himself. He came out
by and by aim soon wandered into
a s able which contained about
forty horses belonging ,to the con
tractor. The hog got loolit g
around bo»es’ hind legs when
one i f /horn drew off and gavt Mr
Hog a good one. The cotieusion
started the business, and not a
ves ige was ever discovered of the
hog or of single horse or the ’
stable. And where the stable
ouee stood /here was a nole
in the earth 50 feet deep and 200
in circumference. Fact gentle
man I’’—Madison (/ll.) Democrat.
Wea k
eye-
(Wniu'lt Hindi.
THi-i OLD WIFE.
Hy-1 In- lied the nl(t man, waiting. Sf
in viffil, sad anti t^iuJcr,
'\h«*re his aged wife la., (lying: and
iliGtwi lght shadowslirown
Slowly from the wall ami window
i-lm-ed the sunset.s golden splt-iidor,
Uoiiijj down.
"Is ii night r she whisueied, waking
(for her spirit seamed t«> hover
Lost 1 let ween the ne.xi world's sunrise
and l lie lied-time cares of this),
And the old man, weak and tearful,
treinlilingas he oeiit above her,
Answered, “Yes.”
“Aiv I he children in r she asked him.
ould he tell lie,-' All 1 he trea »res
i >1 (lieirhousehold lay in silence m m
years beneath the snow;
Rut the heart was with them living
I nick among her toils and plea-ui-e-
Long ago.
And again -he called al dew-fall, in
the sweel old summer weather,
• U here islittle .’barley.father ' Frank
HU “ Robert—have they come ?”
I hey are safe,” the. old man faltered
. II the chililiteii art- together
Sale at home?”
Then he murmured gentle soothim s
Inn Ids griel grew strong mid stronger
Idi n choked and stilled h in as li<*
held and kissed her « rlnkh-d hand.
1- or her soul, far onto! heuriug, could
liis fondest words no longer
l.'nderstand.
Mill the pale lips stammered questions
lullabies and broken verses,
Nursery prat.le all language of a
mol her’- loving deeds,
While the midnight round (lie mourn
er, left to sorrow s bitter ineroit
Wrapped in weeds.
There was stillness on on the pillow—
and t in-old man listened I mety
Tiil they led him from tlie chamber
with the burden on his breast.
For t he wife of seventy years, hi-man
hood’s early love and only,
Lay at rest.
••Fare-you-well," he sobbed, “my Sa
rah yon il meet th.-hahcshcforeuie
’Tisulilt’e while, for neither can tin
parting long abide,
And yon Hi all and sis- me soon, l know
and Ilea van will restore me
To your side.
Ii was even so. The springtime, ill the
step ol wintei treading.
Scarcely shed its orchard blossoms ere
the old man closed his eyes.
Ami they buried him by Sarah—and
they had their “diamond wedding"
In the skies.
lira re in A<i verbify
At Mi. Lonsdale’s aristocratic
, mansion (lie earliest ie-ters were
I brought io with the rolls and cof
fee, so ■ hat Mrs, Lonsdale was
i languidly eating orange rnarmul
, ade when her husband read out
; the contents of the letter with the
| black edge which had just coaie
from Moon Mountain.
“Left a widow, r echoed Airs.
Lonsdale! “And with six daugh
ters. vVbur a very unpleasant cir
cuins ance?”
■ “Sue was my favorite cousin,”
! said Mr. Lonsdale “As bright a
girl as I ever smv. I suppose, Na
| omi”—wi ll a little hesitation—
! “we eouldu’t take her in here?”
“Take her in here?” repeated
Mrs Lonsdale almost in tv scream
j “Why, where could we put a wid
|ow and six young women? We
actually haven't space timugli to
accommodate ourselves.”
“Well, well, I’m real sorry for
poor Mary,’ said Mr Lonsdale
“I thi: k she bad the bluest eyes I
ever saw. Perhaps Naomi’—with
the o d Lesisa/ing formula—“you
wou'dii’t like to adopt one?’
‘Thank you,’satirically observed
his wife. ‘When I do take an
adopted chi'd into my bouse, it
will not be the country article.’
At tlie solitary little farm on
Moon Mountain, however, the
same topic was being discussed
while Airs. Drix was sewing on
the simple mourning which the
here ved family only could afford.
//clou was washing the dishes,
Rosie was darning the carpet with
a piece of woolen yarn of the same
color, aud Lizzie via * trimming
i seven plain straw hats with bands
I of crape, as inexpensively as pos
| sible. Susy was picking ovo. a
shining tin pan of dandelion
greens for dinner. Esthsr, the
youngest and rositsi of all, was
feeding a lit le flock ot downy
chickens, and Sarah, the eldest
was absent at a neighbor’s, help
ing tc make up the spring ou tits
of half adozeu boys.
‘Small was a 1 ways so haudv with
the needly,’ said Mrs. Dtix vvitn
pardonable pride.
•■But, mother,’ said Rosie, look
ing ap from her work with a trebl
ed countenance, ‘Wlmt are we to
do?’
•Alolher.’ said Lizzie, ‘our Loos
dale cousins are rich. 3'ouidn t
; we go to iheiuf’
•Certainly not,’ said Mrs. Drix
with a sparkle of the eyes, which
had not yet los/ their forget.-iuh
; not blue. ‘7 wrote to them, tell
, ing them of our affliction, and
! they sent back a letter full of
! commonplaces, without even offer
ing to help us,’
! ‘Bu/ they are rica and we are
poor.’
OUK OWN SECTION V* EAB<#R I'OH ITS ADVANCEMENT
L A WHENCE YILLE, GA. MARCH 31 1885.
‘Yes, and they live in splendid
style Hattie C'ooly says,’ added;
Sits*.
•Very likely,’said Airs IRix.—
•But as long us there are seven
puirs of hands in this family, and
God spares our health, I tmt pro
pose t , turn genteel beggurs.’
jßut mother,’ began ltosie. who
was the care taking member of the
family, -I think ’
‘I xe settled it aU in n y own
mind,’said Mrs. Drix, Bitching
away until hei needle look l like 1
a gleam of steel ligliming. 'The
house is large enough, :o bough
it isn’t built after the latc-,1 fash
ion. The air is wholesome, and
there Is/he Black Spring, where
the peogle come !o get w, /or for
ten miles around. 1 mean to keep
boarders!"
‘Hunali for the little mother!
cried Essie, clapping her hands.
•I will help you make custards and
do up preserves?'
‘Susy aud Esther sb ill help me,’
declared Mrs. Drix. ‘Sarah can
alway earn her living at tailoring
work. Helen shall go into tlie
glove factory; /’m told they need
new hands tliciv. Lizzie cm help
Mrs. Dart, the milliner, and Rosy
is to be governess at Mrs. AIil!»
ingham’s; and if, between ns, we
eau’t earn a decent livelihood, it
will be very strange.’
Susy and Essie were delighted.
Tiosy naturally regarded her po
sition as a decided promotion.
Helen, however, dropped a tear
into tha pan of hot water which
she hod just poured out.
‘The g/ove factory, inothei r she
repeated ‘But it, will be such a
lonesome place, 1 don’t think 1
shall like it.’
‘We must all of us try to like
our duty, child,’ said the brisk lit
tie widow.
‘Mary is going *o open a board*
ing house,’said Mr. hons iale again
to his wife. She has requested
me to insert an advertisement in
the papers for her.’’
‘Very laudable of her, I am sure,
said Mrs. Lonsdale, with a yawn
‘Suppose you wer to go there
fora few weeks before the Sarato
ga season opens?’ suggested, Mr.
Lansdale. ‘You can’t very well
stay here while the painting and
repairs are going or..’
I don’t know that l can endure
that sort of living,’ said Mrs Lons
dalei dubiously.
‘Mary Drix used to be the best
housekeeper I ever know.’ answer
ed her husband.
‘Do you suppose she will take
me cheap?’
•I should imagine so.’
So Mrs. Lonsdale wrote a pat
ronizing letter to her husband’s
cosin, l eueaking the best room.
But when she got to Moon Moan
tain there was only one little
scpiare room left. The fame of the
Black Spring bad gone forth in all
directions, and a newspaper editor
hau promulgaten an articles praiu
ing the delicious pine scented air
and well populated trout brooks
of the mountain, and the oonsc
qnence was that ‘he farm hou o
was full.
‘/Ait this room is too small,’
said Mrs. Lonsdale fretfully as she
looked around.
•Ids all I have left,’ raid Mrs.
Drix ‘and I could have lot it half
a dozen times over if it hadn’t
been reserved for you, Cou-ir Na
omi.
‘You'll take me s') a reduction
from the usual pricer, said Mrs -
Lonsdale.
‘I shall charge you just what I
charge everybody else, neither
more nor less,” answered Mrs.
Drix.
‘Bui I’m a relative,’ pleaded Mrs
Lonsdale.
‘Whht good does that dome?’
said the widow fixing her blue eyes
fulf on Mrs. Lonsdale. ‘My terms
for a room of this size are Hurt;
shillings a week.’
‘But that is too much,’ whined
Mrs. Lonsdale.
‘How' much did you expect to
I pay?’asked Mrs. Drix with a cu-
I rious sparkle in her eyes
‘in this wilderness, here,’said
Mrs. Lonsdale, ‘twelve shillings
1 would be
‘lf these are your ideans wo
never shall come 10 terms? said
Mr-*. Drix. ‘But it you are really
damped for money ’
I “My dear Airs. Diix,” said the
rJit-li man s wife, “yon lmve no idea
of the perpetual demands hr
money.
“I will lake ycu for twenty -live
shillings, ’’ Airs. Drix completed
-Lot sentence as if the other had
-not spoken.
F? And the bargain was completed
F. Mr.--. Lonsdale had not been in
idl'Q house a week lefore she took
’h -r husband's cousin severely to
■bask.
•That horrid old man in the fa
Jed olive-greer. suit has the. best
room in the house,” said she.
■►Tlie very best.'
r ‘Yes.’ said ATrs. Drix, “he is my
other's uncle 7/e was always
j.V'T y good to my poor husband.
I* But Fm told bo only pays half
price ?"
i A
‘•That is my affair.” said Mrs'
Drix.
‘But is it true V insisted Alnv,
Lonsdale.
■Yes it is true,’ confessed the
wd; \v, ‘He is very old and can’t
go up and down stairs, so ot
course lie must have the first
floor room.’
‘Bn- lie basu’/ any property.’
■Be own Carriage Farm across
the mountains,’ said Airs. Drix
‘bu: nobody will rent it of him be
cause !ee land is so rocky, and
tlie firm bouse was burned down
bn l fall when there were so many
fives in the woods. Beyond that
lie has nothing.’
“Alts. Lonsdale curled her lip.*
‘Such impudence sa : d she.’ No
body bus any right to ,ive to be
70 years old without having laid
up something for t'>e future.’
' ‘I was thinking' said Airs. Drix
‘that per taps Cousin Moriiner
Lonsdale would contribute a lit
tle somo/biug to bis support.’ as
\ $, lire equally related.
Tuu may be sure ihat ho will
not,’ said Airs. Lonsdale witn ein
pqasis
‘Very well said Mrs. Drix calm
ly. ‘He shall never want, while I
can help him ’
The very next morn jug, howev
er old, old Mr. Darrow wits found
dead iu his arm chair. And by
will he left everything he pos
sessed to his grandniece, Mary
Drix !
‘1 wish you joy of Carriage
Farm F chuckled Mrs. Lonsdale.
‘Of course you will have to pay
taxes on it, so It will, absolutely
money out of pocket.’
‘lt was all he had to give,’ said
Mrs. Drix,
Meanwhile the family were pros
pering. Sarah was engaged to
mary a thritty young farmer of
the neighborhood, Helen was
earning a good living.
l.izz;e was contemplating the
setting up of a small milliuer’i
shop on her own account—and
Rosie was iu high favor at Alil
ingham place.
Even Mrs Lonsdale admitted
lh : her grave French cook could
not excell tl.e syllabubs, cream
dellicate cakes delicious puddings
which the young da csela com
pounded, with tiie help of one now
laid egg and country eravu.
“I am a 1 most sorry our rooms
are engaged at sarratoga,’ said
the ci v lady. “I am getting rather
to ike Moon Mountain. Ami
your table is decidedly good Ma
rv.’
Bu* ju-t as she was p icking her
big trunks for ihe removal to the
Mecca of modern fashion, Air
Lonsdale nimslef 'amedown.
Well,’ said the lady airily, ‘what
is the news, Mortimer V
‘Bad news.’ said Mortimer ; n a
boans6 accent. ‘We are ruined !
/lie business has gone to wreck—
the cashier has lied to Belgium—
and we haven’t a cent t > call our
own.’
7\ hereupon, naturally enough
Airs. Lonsdale went in hysterics.
Wuen Mrs Drix came in, Naomi
was wildly loadmg her husband
with reproaches. Mon timer Lons
dale s ood leaning against the
matiie ! ,wUh something glittering
! iuhis hand. Mr*. Drix went up to
i him aid look it away wi:h gen ie
authority.
•Give me that pistol, Mortimer,’
said she. ‘Get up Naomi, and
and leave off ihat crying and sob
bing. If ever you needed io be a
I, woman you need it now !’
‘We uto ruined! -we are
mined !' shrieked Naomi, tearing
her hair
•T can never reuoem myself !’
said Mortimer huskily. ‘You h«,t
bettor have let me shoot myself,
Mary.’
‘Pshaw !'Haid Mrs Diix curtly
“Suicide is the last resort of the
coward. Don’t yon know Morti
mer that it is always darkest just
before day-lignt,.’
I don'/ know what you mean,’
I said lie.
•Then lis/en to me. The law.
' yer has just come over from Car
ageeFarm. Ho says they have
struck a rich vein of iron on the
rocky bills /here. A Stock c >m
vvp.itt to buy it of me for
C. 5.000, and I’ve agreed to’sell it.
Fncle Harrow was as much
! your uncle as be was mine. We'll
| divide tlie money, Mortimer, you
i and I ’
•But I've no right to it Alary,
i faltered he.
‘Not by law perhaps,’ said the
widow, but you have by equity
at all eeonts half of it shall be
yours. Wind do / won't of five
thousand pounds ? Half will be
great riches for me. The giFs
are a'l doing well, and I like to
leal a busy life. Nay, Mortimer
you must take it !’
lie-turned away his face.
‘Alary,' said ht> ‘you have headed
co t Is of tiro on our heads !’
So Air. nml Mrs. Lonsdale set
tled on a pretty farm on Moon
Mouu ain, and strange to relate
their only son Geofi'ry, eventual
ly married pretty E<sic Drix.
‘So that you’ll have to adopt
one of Mu-y Drix’s girls after all,’
joeoselp l aid her i imbued
A WISE FATHER.
“So you are going to start a
humorous paper,” said an old gen
tleman to ms son.
“Yes, sir. Havo you any advice
to offer ?”
"Don’t start it.”
“Why ?”
“Oh there are luany reasons,
some of which, in a most serious
manner, I shall give you. Tli®
quality of humor is inborn, but
the employment of Ws finer forces
requires the most careful cultiva
tion. The rough semi-vulgar
sketch is not humor. ! t may cre
ate a laugh, but it i- not humor-
Do you is member what Addison
says of humor?
“No, sir.”
“//ave you ever read Addi
son?"
“Very little.”
“ What lmve you read /’’
•‘Oh, I don’t know what all. It
would take me some time to enum
erate.
“1 don’t think it would Low is
your immagination—very good ?”
“No, sir, I can’t say that it is’
“Ah, huh, I suppose you will
attempt to make the people
laugh ?”
"Oh, yes sir.”
“A fatal error young mau. Peo
ple can be slyly drawn into mirth
but you cannot shove them into
it. We can persuade them to
weep but weeanuot force them
You no doubt have a goM supply
of original iokes." “
“Yes, sir, J tbink so.”
“Tell mo a few ? ’
I can’t tell .hem.’’
“Well, si? down theie and write
me one."
The young man wrote the fol
lowing i “St-bleson went to see
bis girl /he other night, The old
mau was at the lodge. Sebles<m
enjoyed himself pretty well The
I girl brought in some pie. 7’tm
young fellow said it was first rate
and asked her if she made it. She
said yes. ‘Ah,’ replied the young
; n an, ‘any body who can make
: such pie ought to make a good
wife.’ Then they both laughed
j ‘Did you ever make any pi® ?’ she
| asked. ‘No,’ said be but I’ve
killed a sight of it ” ’
"Is thatull?” asked the old gen»
- tie-man when the humorist haA
with elocutionary effect, read the
i production.
“Y< , but I could make it long
er.”
• “.Don t do it.”
“Father, I sin afraid you don’t
1 like humor.”
“1 am afraid so.”
“You didu’ smile, but will yon
end me 612.000 !”
JOII\ T. WII.SOV, .In , l*iil,liHlit;r
“What, do you want to puv
people to laugh !"
“Oli no I want to buy material.’’
“Why, you want to print a pn
our eh? ’
• Of course.”
“Ob no L cannot let you have
the money.”
“I tell what 1 thought, father.
Aou have been suggested ns a
suitable ennuidato for Congress.
Well nothing more than a good
good joke helps a man politically
I thought that you might get itl
st veral good jokes about yourself
and I could print them. Ol course
everything from yo t would oe in
teresting. Aou have gi cat imm ag
ination, an/ have read Addison
you-—”
“Two thousand dollars, you
say ? Hand me that check-book,
please. Of course Ido not ex
pect. to be a candidate -but say,
I were elected, 1 could make the
country laugh, eouldn’/ I ?"
SI NBEAMS.
A Myrrh maid. The apothe
cary's daughter.
Alotto for the cremation—Death
is n-ul amt death is urnest.
The seashore is a place where
you can always find Sabbath break
ers.
hove is a fellow arouud swap
ping a peck of trouble for u pint
of happiness.
A Gaol-bird is one of the fowl
kind, whose wings have been clip
ped hy legal process.
A littlo three yem 'oid. in admit
ing her baby brother, exclaimed:
lie’s got a b uled head, like papa.’
‘Bat, have you any prairies in
Ireland like we have in Illinois/’’
“To be shore wo have. Didn’t ytz
ivor hear of Tipperary.
Go*many his one beer shop to
every thirty one inhabitants. This
prevents I lie disagreeable crowd
ing ho noticeable in this country.
T marry lmt little fellow!’ ex
claimed Miss Mitinice, “No! 1
would i a*ber die than lmve him—
that is if I could get somebody
else.
An old colored ruan who had nu
hi bed too freely on New Jersey
applajack, said- -‘Soma people
is tilled with delight, but I’se till
ed wid de lightning.’
Au ordinary woman’s waist is
tbiriy inches around, zlu ordinary
man’s arm is about thirty inches
long. How admirable are tby
works, O, nature ! .
A naturalist says that .he sponge
of commerce has a nervous sys
tem and secretes gall. The social
sponge has also eonsidorrble nerve>
and his gall is immense.
It is She diplomatic clerk at the
silk counter who asks Hie fond
mother shopping with her daugh
ter if the goods are for her or bar
sister, whose salary the ‘boss,’ rais
os.
Mr. Houzeiiu his, by the tran
sit of Venus, settled the distance
of the tnn from Chicago at 91,75(1,
800 miles. This must make th
married people in the sun very un
happy.
Some people imagiue ihatbo
cau.ve a man is a plumber, he is
u® e.-m-ily a rainier. I’his is
all wrong and is not true. A
plumber may be perfectly honest
—before be learns tlie business.
‘Hey, Sambo, wha’ d’ye leave yo’
last boardin’ place fut ?’ *()b, (ley
charge too much fur dis yer dar
key.’ Wha’ (ley charge?’ Dey
charge me wid stealin’ de spoons,
and so I Id.’
7’hewifeofan Orange county
milkman was reported iu the local
newspapers as appearing at a re
cent ball in a handsome milk- white
silk. The report does no/ say
that it a watered silk, but we pre
sume it was
‘•Lo jk litre, Mr Consumer, evs
diy time I go Vo yous house to
read youi gasmeter that infernal
dog of yours pitches a' me.’ ‘Yes
he's a capital watch dog. Saga
cious, too. Knows a robber at
first sight every time.’ *
Speaking of DeLesseps, they
say his Panama scheme will in'
diet great injury on die United
States.’ ‘But we can collect dam
ages from him iu the courts. 4 said
the dau«hter of a Washington
statesman, confidently. I what
waj ■' asked President Cleveland,
‘Suez canal, you know,’ was the
response,
mriXA F/TT lIER/ILD,
OUR
JOlt DEI*A Itl MEXT
IS COMPLETE.
ALL ORDERS FOR
/ / ■ y
y" ' ' /t u t St* ;
NEATLY ANI)
PKOMFTLY EXECU
TED.
NO 2
Kutci fd in the Rout Office at Law -
i-enceville, Ou., as second class mail
urn Iter.
OF GENERAL INTEREST.
Ladies traveling on the ocean
are oblighed to register thfir
ages.
'Hie Chinese Legation at Wash
ington all vveui ilieir native dress,
toe Japanese havo liscardetl
theirs,
Nothing like getting hold ot
novelties. A Philadelphia bot
tling os/üblishinent is advertising
purified water.
AI the recent city election at
La Conner, W- T. two married
women were elected members of
'ho City Council, aud the local
paper affectionately calls them“oi/y
mamma’s.”
A’ew Zealand witli a population
f only half a million, supports
one hundred newspapers, thirty
o which are daily. In Aukland
ii place of thirty thousand people,
i he Star of that city lias ten I lions
and circulation.
Excellent oranges from Pales
tine a»e now exported to England
for the first time, and will no
doubt ere long find their way io
I bis country. They are shipped
fiom Joppa and packed in peculs
it-v braided s/raw hampers instead
of boxes.
ttifciori played at Athens a night
or two ago. The orchestra elici
ted thunders of applause by play
ing “Billy in the Low Grounds
during the execution of the ear|
of Esex, while Queen Elizil-etb
yielded up the ghost to the tune
of “Dixie.”
.in idea of how quickly gossip
flies may bo gained from a little
incident that occureil iu Binning-*
ham, Ala., recently, where a ru
mor “got out that one of the fe
male school ■eachers was to be
married, and in a fews hours’no
less than fifty applications for her
place was made.
A dog in tVamiqua, N. J., who
for sometime had been noticed to
take his breakfast iu his mouth
and run away with it unseen, was
followed, when it was discovered
ihut lie took his ineui to decrepit
and emaciated obi dog in a covert
iu tlie field, who eagerly devoured
tht food thus provided for him.
Mrs. Codd, suing fqr a divorce
in Brooklyn from her second hus
band, testifies that before seek
ing legal advice she tried to effect
of reconciliation, bin bo placed
five pages of closely written legal
cap before her and said that if she
would follow ‘he rules be had
prepared for her government he
would consider the question of
reconciliation.
A B.iston lady says she has been
m uned teu years and berhusband
has kissed her on a i average five
times a day, which makes eigh
teen thousand two hundred and
fifty ki-ses. She thinks she beats
the record, but we know of a
Buckeye couple who have the
reckord up to fifty four tliousan d
soven hundred and fifty and are
still healthy.
A Now Orleans docloFcails nt
te itiou to a very simple fact which
intuits attention to the medicine
takers. If the medicine is mixed
with very cold water, and a few
swallows be laken as prepartory
(lo ie, /lie nerves of the organ of
tu.-te become s tfficiently benumed
as make the medicine nearly taste
less. The method will not dis
guise b tter tastes, but acts well
iu oils and salines.
Shoes are made in Athol, Mass..
for usr in mines of California and
elowbero that involve an ameunt
of labor (uat is somewhat aston*
islung. The number of Hungar
ian nails in e*ch pair is eight hnn
dr< d ami sixty two ; the number
of blows struck in making a pair
two thousand three bundled and
seventy four. The shoes, when
ready for use weigh five and one
fourth pounds, and look as if able
to stand any amount of wear and
tear.
Turpentine in small quanities
rutty be used with advantage in the
In.idry, but resin, which is usuals
lv found in soap is injurious, dis
ced iring some goods and shrink
ing woollens.
Of the words culle l for iu the
great libarary of tne Bri/iah muse
um less than ten per cent are uov
ls.