24
NEW YORK TOPICS.
DRIFTS AN DUNDER CURRENTS OF
THE METROPOLIS,
Bomt Platt Being Succeeded by *
New Political Triumvirate—Ph>-
Ical Side of High Speed Record*.
Death of the Hobo Club's Presi
dent-Hospital Perquisites for the I
Ambulance Slen—Wall Street News
•and View*.
York. Nov. 22 —Predicting the
jwMfrfloal downfall of Senator Platt is
a perilous form of prophecy. It has
been done so often—and just as often
the prophets have been confounded by
the slight of the astute “boss serenely
eeaited in the place of power, after the
dust of battle had rolled away. But
now it looks very much as if Platt's
bossship were nearing its end, and for
tbe very good reason that there is no
dust of battle —no battle to raise an>
dust. The "Old Man" has been quietly
but firmly thrust Into the background
by the new triumvirate, Roosevelt,
Odell and Low, and the siren-song of
the local press, ringing the changes on
the theme of "Republican haitnonj
has apparently soothed him into un
consciousness of what is happening to
him. The local Republican newspapers
haven't so much as hinted that any
thing of importance underlies the per
sistent disregard of the Senior Senator
in party matters. But the facts speak
for themselves. Questions of policy in
New York state matters come up. Gov.
Odell goes to Washington to see Pres
ident Roosevelt. Important city ap
pointments are to be made: Mayor
elect Low goes to Washington to see
President Roosevelt. The question of
retaining Collector of the Port Bid
well, Senator Platt's man. in office,
arises. Gov. Odell comes out against
him. Senator Platt sends his factotum,
Mr. Quigg, to flee the President. Mr.
Quigg returns with his ear harboring
what strongly resembles a flea, and
State Senator Stranahan, who, Senator
Platt had declared, was "needed at
Albany,” supplants Collector Bidwell.
Again in municipal appointments, the
"Old Man” is disregarded. Mr. Low's
appointments thus far have been, if
not anti-Piatt, at least non-Platt. All
thait the Senior Senator can do is to sit
back and announce to the reporters, in
somewhat dolorous tones, that the ap
pointments are satisfactory. He is be
ing shorn of all but the flimsiest trap
pings of power: but he does not fight.
Perhaps he sees that the triple combi
nation against him is too strong. Or
possibly he is one of those optimistic
souls who will not believe bad news
until it is forced upon them.
Even in these days of chronic rec
ord-breaking such a performance as
that of Fournier, the French chauffeur,
who drove his heavy French racing
machine a mile in fifty-one and four
fifths seconds on the Coney Island
Boulevard last week, is notable. Two
of the other contestants came in well
under a mile a minute. Experts now
predict that an automobile can be
built for a speed of two miles a min
ute. Whether this speed will ever be
achieved, they say. is largely a matter
of strength and endurance on the part
of the automobilist. At a mile a min
ute the strain on both nerve and mus
cle is terrific. It is notable that the
three leading contestants in the Coney
Island Boulevard race are men of un
usual physical endowment. Fournier,
for years, held many of the French
bicycle records. Foxhall Keene, who
came In second, Is rated as the best
polo player In the country and a not
able all-around athlete: and A. C.
Bostwiok, the third to finish, while
small and light, is an unusually pow
erful man and a fine horseman. It is
only a man of this stamp who can
withstand the tremendous air-pressure
incident to a speed of more than a
mile a minute, even though encased
as the racers are, in the toughest of
leather uniforms and face guards. It
is suggested that a two-mile-a-minute
machine would have to be fitted with
a shield lor the chauffeur, from be
hind which, looking through glass-fit
ted eye-holes, he would operate the
levels and steering gear.
The appreciative mind can hardly
fail to be delighted with the ambulance
system as it Is carried on in this city.
You may look for without finding in
stances of sprightly playfulness to
equal that of our hospital customs.
One of their most engaging customs
is known as "rushing the stiff.” It is
common to nearly if not quite all of
the hospitals in Greater New York.
The rules of the game are sweet and
simple. If the surgeon on ambulance
duty brings in a “stiff” (a dead man),
to the hospital he must buy a keg of
beer for his fellow doctors and the
drivers. 80, on every emergency call
the staff waits eagerly in the hope of
drinks to come. Should the patient
breathe his last as he is carried into
the hospital, the ambulance surgeon
is saved; but though the vehicle be
at the receiving door, if it is a corpse
that is lifted out, the joyous cry arises
“Set 'em .up. Doc.” and the order goes
to the corner saloon. Naturally, the
surgeon becomes particular as to the
cases he loads into his ambulance.
Sometimes he finds the stricken man
almost gone. Then he patiently waits
for him to die, and the dead wagon
gets the body. Sometimes a case
which gives promise of holding out,
develops alarming symptoms on the
way to the hospital. Then the order
goes to the driver to make all speed
In the race with death. Should death
win. the joke is on the ambulance sur
geon. If he gets there In time, the
joke is on the thirsty souls in waiting.
If the patient dies from the jolting
and shaking of the ride, a result by
no. means uncommon, the joke ia on—
well, I suppose It is on the. family and
friends of the deceased. If he has any.
Occasionally there are protests, but
nobody pays any attention to them,
and the public eye is daily enlivened
with that thrilling scene of an am
bulance at full speed, gong clanging,
driver shouting, vehicles and pedes
trians wildly scattering from its path
as It makes its breakneck race—to save
the patient's life? Not exactly. To
save the fledgling doctor the price of
a keg of beer.
Entirely unbiased by the Important
consideration of beer, the young doc
tors of the hospital staffs put forth
DON’T GET MALARIA
Don't get run down. Keep up your ap
petite Keep up your atrength. Don’t
get malaria. Take
Dr. W. N. Van Brederode’s
urtu.im.i4 etkg run
Malaria, Chills, Few and Ague.
It make* you strong It glvag you
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eeay. It baa a leputatiou and to in
4<eae4 by thousand* who have uae4 It
Malaria vanishes netoie it like 4ew*
♦tele betoia tbe morning eun Tiy u
•04 you will be <oimn,g gua. only
la tlw tabor atoriM of The Lti w m
Vm oi4fgt t'ornpanr
| i4*-pai* **••* t*mt,
f •.•at nab, li*.
MR. DOOLEY AS SHERLOCK HOLMES.
“Dorsey an' Dugan are havin' throu
ble," said Mr. Hennessy.
"What about?” asked Mr. Dooley.
"Dorsey,” said Mr. Hennessy,” says
Dugan stole his dog. They had a par
ty at Dorsey's an’ Dorsey heerd a noise
in th’ back yard an' wint out an’ see
Dugan makin' off with his bull tar
ryer.”
“Ye say he see him do it?”
“Yis, he see him do it/’
“Well," said Mr. Dooley." 'twud baf
fle th' injinooty iv a Sherlock Holmes.”
“Who's Sherlock Holmes?”
“ale's th' gr-reatest detlctive that
iver was in a story book. I've been
r-readin’ about him an' if I was a
criminal, which I wud be K I had to
wurruk f’r a livin’ an' Sherlock Holmes
got afther me. I’d go sthraight to th'
station an' give mesilf up. I'd lay th'
goods on th’ desk an’ say: ‘Sergeant,
put me down in th' hard cage. Sher
lock Holmes has jus’ see a man go by
in a cab with a Newfoundland dog an'
he knows I took th’ spoons.’ Ye see,
he ain’t th’ ordh'nry fly cop like Mul
cahy that always runs in th’ Schmidt
boy f'r ivry crime rayported fr’m steal
in’ a ham to forgin' a check in th' full
knowledge that some day he'll get him
f’r th’ right thing. No sir; he’s an
injanyous man that can put two an'
two together an’ make eight iv thim.
He applies his brain to crime, d’ye
mind, an' dlvvle th' crime, no matther
how cunnln' lt is, will escape him.
We’ll suppose, Hinnisey, that I'm
Sherlock Holmes. I'm settin’ here in
me little parlor wearln’ a dhressin’
gown an' now an' thin pokin' mesilf
full iv morpheen. Here we are. Ye
come in. 'Good mornin', Watson.' ”
“I ain't Watson,” said Mr. Hennes
sy. “I’m Hinnissy."
“Ah,” said Mr. Dooley, “I thought I'd
wring it fr’m ye. Perhaps ye’l like to
know how I guessed ye had come in.
’Tis very simple. On’y a matther iv
observation. I heerd ye’re step; I seen
ye’re reflection in th' lookin' glass; ye
spoke to me. I put these things to
gether with me thr&ined faculty f’r
observation an’ deduction, d'ye mind.
Says I to mesilf: 'This must be Hin
nissy.’ But, mind ye, th’ chain iv cir
cumstances is not complete. It might
be some wan disguised as ye. So says
I to mesilf: 'I will throw this new
comer, whoiver he is, off his guard, be
callin’ him be a sthrange name!' Ye
wuddn't feel complimented, Hinnissy,
if ye knew who Watson is. Watson
knows even less than ye do. He don't
know annything, an’ annything he
knows is wrong. He has to look up his
name in th’ parish raygtsther befure
he can speak to himseilf. He’s a
gr-reat friend iv Shelock Holmes, an’
If Sherlock Holmes lvir loses hitn, he'll
find him in th’ nearest asylum f’r th’
feeble minded. But I surprised ye’re
secret out iv ye. Thrown off ye're
guard be me Innocent quest'on, ye
popped out, ‘l’m Hinnissy,’ a./ in a
flash I guessed who ye were. Be th’
same preess iv raisonin’ be deduction,
I can tell ye that ye were home las’
night in bed, that ye’re on ye're way
to wurruk an’ that ye're salary Is two
dollars a day. I know ye were at home
las’ night because ye ar-re always at
home between Uivin an sivin bar Path
rlck's night, an' ye're wife hasn’t been
in lookin’ f’r ye. I know ye're on ye'er
way to wurruk because I heerd ye’re
dinner pail jingle as ye stepped softly
in. I know ye get two dollars a day
decisions, in cases of life and death,
that are often, to say the least, re
markable. Instances where the am
bulance surgeon declines to take a
case on the ground that it is “just a
drunk,” and where the man dies of
fractured skull, are of almost weekly
occurrence. In justice to the hospitals
it is only fair to say that the symp
toms of alcoholic coma and of fracture
at the base of the brain are almost ex
actly similar, and that some degree of
alcoholism aften accompanies this
kind of 'injury. But it would be hard
to find excuse for the Williamsburg
Hospital surgeon who declined to take
a sick and homeless girl Into his am
bulance on the ground that she had
“only a slight attack of gastritis”;
still harder in the case of a St. Cath
erine’s Hospital surgeon, who was
called four hours later and gave the
verdict “nothing the matter,” for when
the girl finally reached a haven in St.
Mary's Hospital she was dying of
typhoid pneumonia. A Brooklyn Hos
pital, only a short time ago, left a
woman patient lying for three hours
in a cold hallway of the building be
cause there was no cot ready for her
in the wards. When the cot was ready
it was too late; the woman and her
baby died that night. Roosevelt Hos
pital, supposed to be one of the finest
institutions in the city, recently had
a hurry call from a policeman who
had found a poor woman very ill in
a tenement. For an hour and a half
the policeman stood by; then he sent
around to find out what was wrong.
Nothing was wrong the hospital au
thorities assured him. The motor-man
of the new automobile ambulance and
the surgeon on duty were at supper,
that was all. There was righteous in
dignation at the hospital when the
policeman ventured to suggest that
the patient was more important than
the supper. In the course of two hours
they got the patient—too late as usual.
These are not isolated cases. Similar
instances are of weekly occurrence.
Yet nothing is done. The city helps
to support these hospitals, but has no
hand In the management. Some day
a grand Jury will take up one of these
cases and there will be charges of
criminal negligence and a wild howl
from the extremely respectable mem
bers of society who run the institu
tions, and undoubtedly It will hurt
their feelings, but It will have an im
proving eftect upon vital statistics.
However the Bowery may have de
teriorated since the day* when Wel
land Strong sang "1 11 Never Go There
Any More.” It la atill the backwater
into which drlfta the strangest wreck
age of human kind. One of the moat
noted of its quieter characters died last
week. Capt. William Baker "padded
the hoot" along one track too many.
A trolley car hit him and he died a
few days later, after seventy years of
wandering. For the last live years he
has been notable chiefly as president
of the Hobo Club, an organization pur
porting to be made up of hobos, which
it Is not. Its members are mainly beg
gars, song-peddlers, dabsters at odd
)ol>s, and outworn practitioners of va
i ions Bowery arts, who would feel lost
If they ever found themselves mors
than ten blocks distant from that busy
thoitiughfare. The real hoboa deapise
them, because they work when they
get a cbaine. But the ltobo Club an -
Jy itself In Its quarters behind the
little saloon in Mulberiy street and
alien any member falls behind in hts
dues of two cents a day, there are
many candidate# waiting ta take his
place aiming the Afty to which mem
bersinp is limited < apt Baker was
the cm gums* i end tlt* leading spirit uf
the organisation Kvery evening tie!
mold he fof-nd In t ire little, low ceil I
ua*d loom matodhe wue of had tuba, co
abb stale haer. epcUsaely leal In his |
THE MOKNING NEWS: SUNDAY. NOVEMBER 24. 190 L
BY F*. F*. DUININ E.
Copyrighted, 1901, by Robert Howard Russell.
because ye tol’ me ye get three, an’ I
deducted thirty-three an’ wan third
per eint f’r poetic license. ’Tis very
simple. Ar-re those shoes ye have on
ye're feet? Be hivins, I thought so.'
"Simple,” said Mr. Hennessy scorn
fully; "tis foolish.”
“Niver mind,” said Mr. Dooley. “Pass
th' dope, Watson. Now bein’ full iv th'
cillvbrated Chow Sooey brand, I ad
dhress me keen mind to th’ discussion
iv th' ease iv Dorsey's dog. Watson,
look out iv th’ window an’ see if that’s
a cab goin’ by ringin’ a gong. A throl
ley car! So much th' betther. Me obser
vation tol’ me it was not a balloon or
a comet or a reindeer. Ye ar-re a
gr-reat help to me, Watson. Pass th’
dope. Was there a dog in th’ car? No?
That simplifies th’ thing.l had an idee
th’ dog might have gone to wurruk.
He was a bull-tarryer, ye say. D’ye
know annything about his parents? Be
Mulligan's Sloppy Weather out iv O’-
Hannigan's Diana iv th’ Slough? Iv
coorse. Was ayether iv thim seen in
th' neighborhood th' night iv th’ plant?
No? Thin it is not, as manny might
suppose, a case Iv abduction. What
were th' habits iv Dorsey's coyote?
Was he a dog that dhrank? Did he go
out iv nights. Was he payin’ anny par
ticular attintions to anny iv th’ neigh
bors? W&s he baffled in love? Ar-re his
accounts sthraight? Had Dorsey said
annything to him that wud’ve made
him despondent? Ye say no. He led a
dog’s life but seemed to be happy. Thin
'tis plainly not a case iv suicide.
"I’m gettin’ up close to th’ criminals.
Another shot Iv th’ mad mixture. Wait
till I can find a place in th’ ar-rm.
There ye ar-re. Well, Watson, what
d'ye make iv it?"
“If ye mane me, Dugan stole th’
dog.”
"Not so fast,” said Mr. Dooley.
“Like all men Iv small minds ye make
ye'ers up readily. Th’ smaller th’
mind, th' alsier ’tis made up. Ye'ers
is like a blanket on th' flure befure th’
fire. All ye have to do to make It up
Is to lave it. Mine Is like a large
double bed an' afther I’ve been tossin’
in it, 'tis no aisy job to make it up.
1 will puncture me tire with th’ fav’-
rite flower lv Chinytown an’ go on.
We know now that th’ dog did not
elope, that he didn’t commit suicide an’
that he was not kidnaped be his ray
turnin’ parents. So far so good. Now
I’ll tell ye who stole th’ dog. Yisther
dah afthernoon I see a suspicious look
in’ man goin’ down th’ sthreet. I say
he was suspicious lookin’ because he
was not disguised an’ looked ivry wan
In th’ face. He had no dog with him.
A damning circumstance, Watson, be
cause whin he'd stolen th' dog he niver
wud’ve taken it down near Dorsey’s
house. Ye wudden’t notice these facts
because ye’er mind while feeble Is un
thrained. His coat collar was turned
up an’ he was whistlin’ to hinisejf, a
habit iv dog fanciers. As he wlijt be
Hogan’s house he did not look ground
or change his gait or otherwise do an
nything that wud indicate to an un
thrained mind that there was anny
thing wrong, facts in thimsilves that
proved to me cultivated intilligence
that he was guilty. I followed him in
me mind’s eye to his home an' there
chained to th’ bed leg is Dorsey’s dog.
Th' name iv th' criminal Is P. X.
O'Hannigan an’ he lives at Twlnty
wan hundherd an' ninety-nine South
Ilalsted sthreet, top flat, rear, a plum
ber be pro-fission. Officer, arrest that
man!”
"That's all right,” said Mr. Hennes
sy; “But Dugan rayturned th’ dog
las’ night.'.’
“Oh. thin,” said Mr. Dooley calmly,
, "this is not a case Fr Sherlock Holmes,
well-worn clothes and white shirt.
His particularity in the matter of linen
earned him the nickname of “Old Boiled
Shirt.” He was cleanly in his habits
and possessed refinements of speech
and manner that suggested an inter
esting history; but of his past he could
never be persuaded to speak. One
part of it is certain; he was a soldier
in the Civil War, for he drew a pension
of $6 a month—boundless riches in his
community. Now that he is dead the
club threatens to disintegrate. This
would be a pity, as its membership is
probably unique. It includes on Us
roster a dealer In fake monsters for
dime museums; a “barber” for an ana
tomical exposition:” the inventor and
peddler of an overnight cancer cure; a
watcher for a crimp's joint where sail
ors are Shanghaied; a compounder of
"knock-out drops;” an Instructor in the
gentle art of picking pockets, a tat
tooer of indecent designs, and three
composers of blind men’s begging
verses.
All the technical signs In Wall street
are those which usually precede a
boom. Most of them are little disap
pointments. Everybody thought that
the announcement of the Northern Pa
cific-Great Northern settlement would
start a rise, but the rise was begun
In anticipation of this and a great
many of the traders meant to realize
the day after. Now it is a common
saying in Wall street that it is “al
ways the unexpected that happens.”
and it is true; and it isn't a matter
of natural forces or of chance either.
Big manipulators used public, expecta
tions to carry out their speculative
plans. In this case they did not want
the rise to begin so soon; they meant
to check it before It had gone very far
In order not to strain the monev mar
ket at this time. The public cannot
be got into a movement of this sort
until the rise is well advanced, and
as a preliminary the people who have
been holding the stocks for a long time
with paper losses to wear them out,
must be disappointed again, again and
again In order to be "shaken out.”
Thus It came that with the announce
ment of the big news, the disappoint
ment of a decline was planned, and.
Cockroaches, Rah, Mice,
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Rat and Roach Paste
sod die, testing no odor, sd one ingredient dries up their
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Caution ■ irr.'R.Ct Brtfa,S SSSSt
M casts • has at Druggist* ana or taut direst by Capras* prspstt.
STEARNS* ELECTRIC PASTE CO., CMce—, Ittft.
but wan f’r th’ polis. That’s th’ throu
ble, Hinnissy, with th' detictive iv th’
story. Nawthin' happens in rale life
that’s complicated enough f'r him. If
th’ Prisident iv th’ Epworth League
was a safe-blower be night th’ man
that’d catch him’d be a la-ad with
gr-reat powers iv observation an’
thrained habits lv raisonin - . But
crime, Hinnissy, is a pursoot lv th’
simple-minded—that Is, catchablo
crime is a pursoot iv th' simple-mind
ed. Th’ other kind, th’ uncatchable
kind that is took up be men iv intellict
Is called high fl-nance. I’ve knowed
manny criminals in me time an’ some
iv thim was fine men an' very happy
in their home life an’ a more simple,
pasth'ral people ye niver knew. Wan
lv th' ablest bank robbers In th’ coun
thry used to live near me—he ownded
a flat buildln’—an’ befure he’d turn In
to bed afther rayturnin’ fr’m his night’s
wurruk, he’d go out in th’ shed an*
chop th’ wood. He always wint into
th’ house through a thransom f’r fear
iv wakin’ his wife who was a delicate
woman an’ a shop lifter. As I tell ye
he was a man without guile an’ he
wint about his jootles as modestly as
ye go about ye’ers. I dont’ think in th’
long run he made much
more thin ye do. Wanst in a while,
he’d get hold iv a good
bunch iv money but manny other times
afther dhrillin’ all night through a
steel dure, all he’d find’d be a short
crisp note fr’m th’ presidint lv th’
bank. He was often discouraged an’ he
tol’ me wanst if he had an income iv
forty dollars th’ month, he’d retire fr'rn
business an’ settle down on a farm.
“No, sir criminals is th’ simplest cra
thers in th’ wide-wide wurruld, in
nocent, sthraight-forward, dangerous
people, that haven’t sinse enough to
be honest or prosperous. Th’ extint iv
their schamin' is to break a lock on a
dure or sweep a handful lv change
fr’m a counter or dhrill a hole in a
safe or administher th’ sthrong short
arm to a tired man takin’ home his
load. There are no mysteryous crimes
excipt thim that happens to be. Th’
ordh'nry crook, Hinnissy, goes around
ringin’ a bell an’ disthributin’ hand
bills announcin’ his business, he always
breaks through a window instead iv
goin’ through an open dure an’ afther
he's done annything that he thinks is
commindable, he goes to a neighborin’
liquor saloon, stands on th’ pool table
an’ confides th’ secret to ivrybody
within sound iv his voice. That’s why
Mulligan is a betther detective thin
Sherlock Holmes or me. He
can't put two an’ two togother an’
he has no powers lv deduction, but he’s
a hard dhrinker an’ a fine sleuth. Sher
lock Holmes niver wud’ve caught that
frind lv mine. Whin th’ safe iv th’
Ninth Rational Bank was blowed, he
wud’ve put two an’ two together an’ ar
risted me. But me frind wint away
lavin’ a hat an’ a pair lv cuffs marked
with his name in th’ safe an' th’ polis
combined these discoveries with th’
well-known fact that Muggins was a
notoryous safe blower an' they took
him in. They found him down th'
sthreet thryin to sell a bushel bas
ket ful lv Alley L stock. I told ye he
was a simple man. He realized his
ambition f’r an' agaracoolchral life.
They give him th’ care iv th’ cows at
Joliet.”
“Did he rayform?” asked Mr. Hen
nessy.
“No,” said Mr. Dooley; “he escaped.
An' th' way he got out wud baffle th’
injinooty iv a Sherlock Holmes.”
“How did he do It?” asked Mr. Hen
nessy.
“He climbed over th' wall,” said Mr.
Dooley.
having planned it, manipulators real
ized the day before the traders meant
to and left the traders high and dry
with no market to sell on. Stocks
went off under them. Everybody was
depressed and there was a great deal
of long and short selling. Two davs
later prices were advanced again; and
again everybody thought that the
movement was on. Stocks rose Fri
day and Saturday and opened pretty
well this morning. It looks like an
other false start. Still one can never
tell, and at any rate all that seems
certain and important is that stocks
are “well held!” the big fellows have
them and they market them with the
new securities of the new Northern
Pacific Company. Some experts think
that the insiders will be able to sell
only on a very long continued boom; a
bigger boom than any of those of the
last two or three days. Others think
that the realization will be managed
on a series of short-lived advances.
Duane.
—A product known as the Mond fuel
gas Is exciting much interest in Eng
land. It is made from the cheapest
kind of small coal and coal dust, call
ed bituminous slack, and the cost Is
only about 4 cents per 100 cubic feet.
It is not an illumjnant, and its heating
power is not so great as that of illum
inating gas, but it is so cheap and so
good for the use intended—in furnaces
and gas engines—that it seems destin
ed to be generally introduced. An Im
portant point in its manufacture is the
fact that a large proportion of the ni
trogen of the coal is recovered In the
form of sulphate of ammonia, which
brings about $2 for every ton of slack
used in the process.
—Maxim Gorky, the Russian novelist,
is so popular with his countrymen that
on every possible occasion they give
him an ovation. Recently, when he at
tended a theatrical performance, he
was cheered so frantically by the audi
ence that he stood up and shouted,
“I am not a ballet dancer nor a Venus
de Milo. What are you staring at me
for? Keep your eyes on the stage.”
Crutch-bound
The man wi* the crutch never fails to arouse the deepest sympathy and
IJI awaken the tenderest emotions of his more fortunate fellow being. The hazard
lUS countenance, swollen joints and twisted and deformed limbs tell a pathetic story of
\y suffering such as Rheumatism alone can inflict. Only those who are painfully
A\ and slowly hobbling through life can fully realize what it means to be crutch-bound
j\ They feel most keenly their helpless and dependent condition when it dawns upon
jl n them that they are no longer workers but unwilling drones in the busy world
** \ Rheumatism should not be neglected because the pains at first are wander
ingand slight. These are only the rumblings of an approaching storm of pains'
\ and aches that may transfer you from a life of activity to the ranks of the crutch
bound cripples.
Rheumatism is due to acrid gritty particles being deposited in the joints
muscles and nerves by an impure and too-acid blood, and the strongest constitutions or musN
cles of iron and nerves of steel can long withstand these corroding poisons They penetrate
to every fibre of the body, and no liniment, lotion or other external application can reach
and dislodge them.
Finally the natural oils are consumed when there Hel r >1 ** from Rheumatism,
is a creaking, grinding noise with every movement of the fori&K
limbs, the joints become locked and immovable, the mus
cles wither or contract, the nervous system gives way u wa ! h fo s T * yßar in “ uch * hel P 1 * corn!":
and the patient becomes a physical wreck and crutch
bound cripple. Rubbing with liniments may produce £* r d .i&
counter-irritation and afford temporary ease, but thev s - s - “ and ftr .t
cannot reach and destroy these corrosive particles, which Aft#r **!■ two bottle, i found > S
are daily forming in the blood. one*Uu£“ and 1° £
The correct treatment—the true cure for Rheu- rtVrt'y
matism —is a remedy that will dissolve and wash out t ?* oto T n i, y wo £ k,atwhtchl h * VB b6a *
this inflammatory matter and expel it from the system, “o^To t
and no medicine does this so promptly and thoroughly * ev * a year * a *°‘ Youi j.’o'k2i!lby
as S. S. S. It neutralizes and eliminates from the blood 2138 N- Benat# At ®- mdianapoiu, ind.
current all poisonous, noxious substances and makes the blood pure and strong again and
as it circulates through the body, all effete matter is gathered up and sent out through the
proper channels. This rich new blood cools the feverish, throbbing muscles and joints and
refreshes the tired nerves, and welcome relief comes to the wretched sufferer.
S. S. S. contains no Potash, Opium, Anodyne or mineral of any description, but is a
Guaranteed Purely Vegetable Compound. The strong minerals that are usually prescribed
* n Rheumatic cases act very injuriously upon the lining
of the stomach, causing inflammation and a most dis-
S. S. S. not only purifies the blood, but at the same
J J time invigorates and tones up the whole system, increases
the appetite, strengthens the digestion and restores the
rheumatic sufferer to sound health again.
Send for our special book on Rheumatism, which is free to all who desire it. Write
our physicians about your case, and they will cheerfully furnish any information or advice
wanted free of cost THE SWIFT SPECIFIC CO.. Atlanta. Ga.
MODERN FABLES
BY GEORGE ADE.
Once there was a Man who had an
Itching to be Governor of the State.
He wanted to be the real Rinkaboo
and sit on a S6B Leather Chair up at
the Executive Mansion and make the
Country Politicians crawl into his
presence.
The Man with the ingrowing Ambi
tion did not let on that he was out
for the main Plum. He dipped into
Party Work because he believed in
Honest Government. For fear that the
Public would not know this, he spoke
of it 12 or 14 times every Day. But
he was good and careful to Solidify
himself In his own Bailiwick, so that
when the time came he could have the
Home Delegation under his Thumb. He
had heard that the Office should seek
the Man and not the Man the Office,
but he felt certain that when the Gov
ernorship came seeking him, it would
not have to carry a Search-Light.
As soon as the Hon. Trimmer had
got well started In Politics, he went to
a Surgeon and had his Back-Bone re
moved. He had seen a lot of Spineless
Statesmen copper the big Lozenges
while the Stiff-Necks and the Bull-
Heads would Fan Out when they came
.before a Convention. He had read In
History that Clay and Calhoun and
Webster fell down on their High Ambi
tions because they had too many Posi
tive Convictions and aometlmes rubbed
the kittenish Voter the wrong way of
the Fur. The Hon. Mr. Trimmer re
solved to be different from Clay and
Calhoun and Webster and It did not
come hard to him. He could have
been Different without trying.
He resolved never to have Opinions
that would grate on the Prejudice of
any Voter, white or colored. He was
going to lie Kverybody's Friend Bo
he became a Hand-Shaker and a Whis
pering Jelly-Fish. All duiing hta Wak
ing Hours he wore a Smile that would
melt Butter. He look the dusty Agri
culturist to his Bosom and tried fo
plant a Kiss of True Affection on the
Brow of the t’nion Workingman
Whenever he found himself In a t’rowd
! lie passed out Wheeling Teaches that
| had is be choked a < ouple of tunes be
| tore the Mai* h could be applied,
if asked to give an Opinion on any I
Issue be either ba< ked into hie knell
or else got upon hts Hind laage and d<
mended that the whole matter be le
f*n*4 to the I'eepul He never declay. I
ed lumaetf until the Hotaes Eysw were 1
l eel sod kU the Be* k 1 seiulnys wets j
3
Copyright, 1801, by Robert Howard Russell.
in. and then he would be found in Seat
No. 1 of the. Red Band Wagon doing an
Obligato on the Brass Drum. He did
the wide Straddle until he was as lim
ber as a Rag. He carried WateT on
both shoulders. Every tinme the Wind
shifted 'he luffed his Sails.
His Right Hand never knew what the
Left Hand was up to. One Evening he
would preside at an Endeavor Meeting
so as to keep himself Strong with the
Milk-Drinkers and the Early Closers.
Next Evening he would slip out and
Bombard the Alcohol in order to
square himself with the Saloon-Keep
ers' Protective Association. He knew it
would mean his Ruin if the White-
Ribboners ever caught him going into
a Life-Saving Station, so when he
wanted to buy a short line of Fusel
OH for the organized Hoboes he would
sneak up an Alley and crawl over the
Transom.
In order to get a better side-hold on
the untrammeled Voter, he Joined all
the Secret Societies that are mention
ed in the back part of the Directory.
He took anew kind of Blistering Oath
Every Night. When he got through
he had Badges enough to fill a Show
Window and he couldn’t have thrown
a Brick out of a Window without hit
ting a Brother.
As soon as he had the Church Peo
ple and the Liquor Merchants and the
Grangers and the Fraternal Orders
and the Labor Organizations friendly
to him, he was ready to begin Trad-
vJISu
Ing. The Slate Makers who get Into
a Back Room and anticipate the Wish
es of the Rank and File, found that
they could not side-track the Claims
of the Hon. Trimmer, so he butted Into
! the Pow-Wow. The Game they play
ed Is called, “You scratch my Back
; and I'll scratch yours."
The Hon. Trimmer learned that In
order to keep the Ring with him. he
would have to herd ail the Delegates
from his Neck of (he Woods and de
liver them for any Candidate who wore
, the Machine Label. Accordingly he
smothered his Conscience and gave hts
Support to a wooly assortment of Low-
Brows, tie* ond-Htory Workers, Ple
* Grafters, Hain-Resters and Taz-Kat
ers. hornet lines he would awake in ths
Night and remember the Teachings of
his Childhood In the M K. Sunday
School snd shudder at the Thought of
what the Recording Angel had chalk
ed up against him. Rut he would
console himself with the Itsftsctien
that many 01 lists had traveled the
l same Rv< ky Road and all's fair In
Lavs. War, Burglary and Politics,
In order to have all Classes with him,
he signed Bail-Bonds for Crs p-hi tool -
SM WSNM , i tan* es and C9Mm|MMI
PlfßtS WgM St SIIIUStIMM Punstsis
I aud Subscribed for every jerk water
The Modern Fable of the Up-Hill Climb
and the Toboggan Finish.
Newspaper that could give him *
friendly Boost. He was a Mark fol
the cadging Pan-Handler who needl
Two Bits to carry him over Night. Foi
he knew that even the Floater has a
Ballot of the ordinary Size.
For years he spread his Piastres,
strung his Wires, repaired his Fences
and kept himself in the Public Gaza
with the Spot Light turned on him.
At last it came time for him to take
his Reward. He had earned Recog
nition and the Ox that had trampled
out the Grain was not to be muzzled,
He wanted to be Governor. The thous
ands of Friends for whom he had been
slaving were now urged tocometoth
Front. He began to call in his Notes
and foreclose Mortgages. His Picture
was on many a Banner. With the Fol
lowing that he had recruited, it seemed
that his Nomination was a Moral Cer
tainity.
He went to Convention Hall with ■
r
Speech of Acceptance already prepared.
The programme had been cut and
dried. All would have been Lovely if
the Chairman had not stubbed hid
Toe.
While the Body was waiting for tht
Committee on Resolutions to patch up
a Platform that would guarantee a
Millennium in less than 19 Months, a
Delegate from Basswood County sug
gested that they listen to a few Re
marks from the Hon. Homer Hitch
cock, the silver-tongued Orator of F°*
River. Thereupon a tall, pale Young
Man with a heavy Forelock and
hypnotic Eye stood before the Conven
tion and began a low, sweet Siren Song
that soon had every Country Delegate
sitting on the Edge of his Chair. As
he warmed up he reached Into the
Azure Dome and begun plucking out
the Stars of Glory, which he Juggled,
keeping si* In the Air at the same time-
He unfurled the Emblem of Liberty
and raised it on a Metaphorical Fl** -
Btaff, which he twined with all th
Flowers of English Speech. Then h
touched off the Fireworks and there
wa# a Stampede. The Delegates climb
ed up on top of one another, whooped,
howled, broke the Furniture, frothed
at the Mouth and fell over In Convul
•tone, The Reporters broke their P*"*
ells trying to describe the Scene After
the Storm broke, the Hon Trimmer
had the earn* f‘hanee that a Lead t
Straw has when it meet* a Cycloa*
* uffilni In the opposite Isirs* Hot* Ta*
Roy Orator was nominated by A''* la
(nation and the Veteran Party Worker
found himself In live Aah Heap tor the
Rule Is, only one Try foe Goal
MORAL When s Ma'i get# what t*
< •■inina to him. It la soswetlasea van*
Lilts* oil ta* ilk* Bt so# B 14 (&*♦
Light.
