Newspaper Page Text
8
Laugh if You Can.
Ground for Hostility—The dress
coat must go. Every little while a
S6OO clerk is mistaken for an SBOO
waiter.
Lillie Devereux Blake has a new
lecture, entitled, “ Who Owns the
Baby ? ” The popular impression is
that the grandmother does when there
is such an article around the house.
So observant —Mamma (shopping) —
“ You may cut me off a sample,
and I’ll see my dressmaker, and write.”
Infant Terror —“ Why, ma, that’sjust
what you said in all the other shops ! ”
“And now, my dear brethren, what
shall I say more?” thundered the
long-winded minister. “ Amen 1 ”
came in sepulchral tones from the ab
sent-minded deacon in the back of the
church.
Young Writer — ; “Do you keep all
kinds of pens?” Bookstore Clerk —
“Yes; which do you prefer ? ” Young
Writer— “I’ve been advised to use a
trenchant pen. I’d like a small box
of them, and you can put in a few
caustics, too.”
Citizen (to Western tragedian) —
“Your first appearance occurred last
night, I understand? ” Western trage
dian —“Yes sir-r-r.” Citizen —“Did
you receive any encores?” Western
tragedian, (darkly) —“No, sir-r-r; they
were apple cor-r-res.”
“Mamma,” asked Bobby, “does Go«
really make all little boys ? ” “Yes,
dear.” “Did he make those boys who
live iu the alley?”“Certainly.” “Well,
all I have got to say,” was the youth
ful dictum, “He made ’em out of
mighty poor material.”
One thing wanting : English impor
tation —“Miss Fanny, if you will con
sent to be Miss ’Arrison, nothing will
be wanting to make hour ’appiness
complete.” Miss Fanny —“You for
get one thing.” E. I.—“ E r—what is
it?” Miss Fanny—“An H.”
“Have you found religion yet, my
friend ? ” Rev. Sam Jones inquired of
one of his Atlanta hearers. “No,”
was the reply. “What is your occu
pation, may I ask?” “I’m a detect
ive.” “H’m ! ” observed the great
evangelist, “that accounts for it.”
“Papa,” said an inquisitive youth,
“what is the difference between a bro
ker and a banker?” Papa is puzzled,
but brings experience to his aid. He
finally tells the difference: “A broker
is one who breaks you to pieces by de
grees, a banker takes you in at a
gulp.”
By the combined aid of a piece of
orange peel and some ice an old gentle
man sits down hastily and solidly on
the sidewalk. A stranger lifts his hat
and says, “Can I be of any assistance,
sir?” “Who the deuce are you,
sir?’’asks the old gentleman, angrily.
“An undertaker, sir. Here’s my ad
dress.”
Presence of Mind at a Critical Mo
ment —“Ah, Mr. Jones, exclaimed the
little beauty triumphantly, “I have
you there.” “All right,” returned
Jones promptly, dropping on his
knees, “I am yours forever. I have
been wondering for months how I was
going to persuade you to have me on
any terms.”
A Chivalrous Age —Talk of Sir
Walter Raleigh, of Chevelier Bayard,
and of the soft-toned knight of the
Field of the Cloth of Gold. There’s
a fi How up north who, being upset
while sleigh riding, lay upon the snow
and said to his sure-enough girl: “Sit
on me dear, and draw your feet out of
the snow ” Age of chivalry dead ?
THE GREAT KENNESAW ROUTE GAZETTE.
WESTERN<£ATLANT!CR.R.
THE GREAT
KEN-STES-AW ROUTE,
I , - ——
CONDENSED SCHEDULES BETWEEN
ATLANTA and BOSTON, NEW YORK and the EAST.
READ down. Via PENN. R, R. read up.
South-bound. STATIONS. North-bound.
10.00 am 10.30 pm Lv BOSTON Ar. 6.50 am 6.00 pm
600 p m 9.00 am “ New York “ 6.55 pm 8.00 am
8.50 “ 11.20 “ “.. Philadelphia “ 4.45 “ 5.35 “
7.10 “ 9.50 “ “ Washington “ 5.50 “ 6.30 “
8.25 “ 10.55 “ “ Baltimore “ 4.40 “ 5.30 “
11.50 “ 2.00 pm Harrisburg “ 1.55 “ 2.35 “
6.30 am 7.45 “ “ Pittsburg “ 7.00 am 7.10 pm
12.55 pm 2.00 am u Columbus Lv. 11.45 pm 11.30 am
4.45 pm 6.10 am A.r CINCINNATI Lv 8.00 p m 7.25 a m
7.40 am 8.47 pm Lv CINCINNATI Ar. 6.00 pm 6.50 am
1.00 am 8.55 am Lv Chattanooga Ar. 4.30 am 7.00 pm
4.47 am 1.17 pm Lv Kennesaw Ar. 12.14 am 2.41 pm
5.51 am 2.25 pm Ar ATLANTA Lv. 11.00 pm 1.30 pm
Pullman Palace Sleeping-Cars between Boston and New York without change, and
Pullman Palace Buffet Sleeping-Cars between New York and Cincinnati without change.
Via NEW YORK CENTRAL and BEE LINE.
5.00 am 3.00 pm Lv BOSTON Ar. 6.25 am 2.45 pm
9.00 “ 6.05 “ “ Springfield “ 12.40 “ 10.57 am
9.50 “ 6.00 “ “ New York “ 7.30 pm 10.30 “
1.15 p m 10.05 “ “ Albany “ 4.00 “ 6.10 “
50 “ 4.00 am “ Rochester “ 10.30 am 11.05 pm
45 “ 5.20 “ “ Buffalo “ 7.40 “ 8.00 “
12.25 am 10.45 “ “ Cleveland “ 2.50 “ 2.35 “
6.00 “ 4.40 pm “ Davton Ar. 8.50 pm 9.00 am
7.55 “ 6.35 “ Ar CINCINNATI Lv. 7.02 “ 7.15 “
7.40 am 8.47 pm Lv CINCINNATI Ar- 6.00 pm 6.50 am
1.00 “ 8.55 am “ Chattanooga “ 4.30 am 7.00 pm
4.47 am 1.17 pm “ Kennesaw “ 12.14 “ 2.41 “
5.51 “ 2.25 “ Ar ATLANTA Lv. 11 00 p m 1.30 “
Wagner Drawing Room Sleeping-Cars between New York and Cincinnati, and between
Boston and Cincinnati without change. Connections made in Union Passenger Depot.
Via ERIE RAILWAY and N. Y., P. & O. R. R
3.00 p m Lv BOSTON Ar. 3.00 p m
10.45 p m “ Albany “ 6.45 a m 2.15 p m
8.00 pm 6.00 pm “ New York “ 7.30 “ 11.25 am
3.53 am 12.15 am “ Binghampton “ 12.07 “ 4.26 “
5.48 “ 1.44 “ “ Elmira “ 10.25 p m 2.47 “
10.2-5 “ 4.40 “ “ Salamanca “ 5.23 “ 9.45 p m
2.10 “ 3.47 pm “ Springfiefd “ 2.50 am 10.43 am
3.25 4.40 “ “ Dayton “ 12.30 “ 9.52
6.45 “ 6.45 “ Ar CINCINNATI Lv. 10.00 p m 7.50 “
7.40 am 8.47 pm Lv CINCINNATI Ar 6.00 pm 6.50 am
1.00 “ 8.55 am “ Chattanooga “ 4.30 am 7.00 pm
1.47 “ 1.17 pm “ Kennesaw “ 12.14 “ 2.41 “
5.51 “ 2.25 “ Ar ATLANTA Lv. 11.00 pm 1.30 “
Pullman Palace Sleeping-Cars between Boston and Cincinnati and between New York
and Cincinnati without change. Connections made in Union Passenger Depot.
Via B. & O. R. R.
8.00 am 1.00 pm Lv NEW YORK Ar. 9.20 pm 1.20 pm
10.16 “ 4.02 “ “ Philadelphia “ 6.11 “ 10.47 am
2.30 pm 9.00 “ “ . Baltimore “ 2.15 “ 7.10 “
3.30 “ 10.10 “ “ Washington “ 1.15 “ 6.00 “
5.29 “ 12.28 am “ Martinsburg Lv 11.24 am 3.35 “
7.45 “ 2.43 “ “ Cumberland “ 9.25 “ 1.13 “
1.40 am 9.40 “ “ Parkersburg “ 2.30 “ 5.10 pm
4.40 “ 1.00 pm “ Chillicothe. “ 10.25 pm 12.38 “
7.45 “ 5‘15 pm Ar... CINCINNATI Lv. 7.20 “ 8.25 am
7.40 am 8.47 pm Lv CINCINNATI Ar. 6.00 pm 6.50 “
1.00 “ 8.55 am “ .Chattanooga “ 4.30 am 7.00 pm
4.47 “ 1.17 pm ‘ Kennesaw “ 12.14 “ 2.41 “
5.51 “ 2.25 “ Ar ATLANTA Lv. 11.00 p m 1.30 “
Palace Sleeping-Cars between Baltimore, Washington and Cincinnati without change,
Connections made in Union Passenger Depot.
Through Pullman Buffet and Mann Boudoir Buffet Sleeping-Cars between Atlanta and
, Cincinnati without change, connecting with above Sleeping-Car service for New York and
Boston.
First materfamilias —And you say
you have hit upon a plan for keeping
your husband at home evenings? Second
1 materfamilias —O yes, my dear and an
excellent one, too. I have hired a young
and very pretty governess for the
• children, and in the evening I have
the governess to come to the parlor be-
. fore my husband has a chance to go
i out. The governess, being there and
, being a novelty, you know, he stays.
When she retires with the children it
is too late for him to go out on the plea
• that he has an engagement down
town , and I have him for the rest of
the evening myself. First M.—l
could never keep my husband at
at home by such means. Second
M. —No? Then can’t you try some
other plan? First M. —The only plan
I know of would be to set a bar in
the parlor and sit and shake dice for
the drinks with him during the even
ing.
Some doctors claim that hot water
will cure anything. One thing is cer
tain, however, and that is, it will cure a
! cat of singing under your window.
Will Keep in Any Climate.
“He —speaking of their marriage,
“I think they both made a very good
match.” She —“How can you say
so? Why she’s brimstone personified,
and he’s a perfect stick.” He; “Brim
stone and a perfect stick —precisely
the essentials to a good match.”
Sir Pompey Bedell (poking the fire
in his new smoking-room) —“This
wretched chimney has got into a most
objectionable way of smoking, and
I can’t cure it.” Bedell, jr.—“just
give it a couple of your cigars, gover
nor —it’ll never smoke again.”
First Tramp —“Strike anything in
that house?” “Yes, I struck the old
man.” “Get anything ? ” “Got kicked
out.” “Perhaps he didn’t know your
family.” “That’s where you’re wrong.
He said he knew them all. He kicked
me in rememberance of three genera
tions.”
“Well, what have you got for sup
per ? ” asked Mr. Snaggs last night as
he entered the dining-room. “Why, I
have some biscuit that I made my
self, dear,” replied his wife. “Well,
bring them on,” said Snaggs, in a re
signed tone; “I’m hungry enough to
eat anything.”
First Landlady —“I don t give my
boarders hash nowadays.” Second
landlady —“Indeed ! What do you do
with your odds and ends of cold meat?
You don’t surely throw them away ? ”
First landlady —“Oh, no; I make
them up into croquets.” Second land-’
lady —“Ah, I see; your hash is ideal
ized.”
Gilbert, the librettist, and Burnand,
the editor of Punch, were at a ban
quet. “Burnand,” said Gilbert, “I
suppose you receive a great deal of’
tunny matter from contributors ? ”
“Yes, a great deal,” said Burnand.
Gilbert leaned over and with a serious
emphasis, exclaimed, “Then why don’t
you print some of it ? ”
“You seem to like that Mr. Crim
sonbeak who called last night,” said
Mrs. Fussenfeather to her daughter.
“Yes I do. He’s just divine.” “You
seem tickled to death whenever he
comes.” “Os course I am. He has
such a funny little mustache, you
know.” And then the mother, looking
a little perplexed, thought and thought,
and thought.
Fond Boston mother (to daughter)
—“Jennie, did you kiss young Gas
kins again to-night?” Daughter—
“ Yes, mamma; he’s justlost an uncle in
San Francisco, and I was so sorry for
him.” Fond Boston mother —“Well,
Jennie, let this be the last; I’m afraid;
if you keep on encouraging him with
your sympathy, he won’t have a rela
tive left in the wide, wide world.”
They Come High—“ Confound these
dressmaker’s bills,” said old Boggs to,
his youngpartner. “I’ve just paid for
Mrs. B’s last ball dress, and I tell you
they come high.” “Come high ? *
echoed the junior. “Not the one she
wore at the musicale the other night—
er —ahem I Excuse me, I was think
ing of something else.” And the si
lence could have been cut with a knife..
So English, You Know—“Ma,
we’ll have to cut Sue Fitzpercy,” re
marked Ethalinda DeWiggs yesterday
afternoon. “Why so?” asked Mrs.
De Wiggs. “Why you know she is get
ting her wedding dresses made. Well,
she invited me to look at what she
called her traveling dress. Traveling
dress, indeed ! Why, she ought to
know that the English term now is
going away dress.” “Yes., indeed, if
she’s that vulgar we shall have to cut
her, certainly.” -