Newspaper Page Text
By Wex Jones
HYSICAL culture lecturer says & woman should be able to touch
P the fioor with her hands without bursting a seam in her clothes.
But that would rob the stunt of the invaluable element of surprise,
. . .
Great objection to sansages and buckwheat cakes on a frosty morn
ing is that you don’t know which to tackle first.
» “ .
HOUSEHOLD HINTS,
To keep the sidewalk free from snow, build it in Florida.
Remember that flannel will shrink if you frighten it
You can save lining by turning your suit inside out, as it is obviously
unnecessary to have lining on the outside.
Linoleum is a handy substitute for pancakes.
When serving chicken soup, fasten it lightly to the plate with safety
pins,
- . -
Things we have never seen: An Unprominent Soclety Girl
- - -
Before you telephone, make sure the call i 3 essential—Advt.
What's the diff? You won’t get the number, anyway.
B - »
) OUR WEEKLY QUIZ.
What well-known office is being, sought by a general, an orator, &
politician, and 48 favorite sons?
- - -
ANSWER TO LAST WEEK'S.
No.
. . .
Man arrested for carrying a flask on his hip had his trousers con
fiscated as a vehicle. He might have been logical and have gone homo
wearing a truck.
. - .
He could have worn a couple of flivvers as earmuffs,
~ . -
New Jersey farmer's cow warned the family of a fire ju the house,
Then it probably led the way to the pump.
- - -
Proposed to abolish *love” from lawn tennis. Mighty little love lost
io the Davis cup matches, anyway,
’ - - .
FAUNAL FACTS AND FANCIES.
: Crocodiles lay eggs, but no fancler has ever trap-nested one
Whales are the only things which don’'t spout more in a Presidential
year,
High rents are forcing many families of mice to live in tents.
A walrus wouldn’t look ke a walrus if he shaved,
Officers. of the Piscatorial Patriotic Association are Messrs. Red
Snapper, White Fish and Blue Fish.
Other prominent members are Star PMsh and Striped Bass.
HEN the young man looked forward to 6 o'clock so he could go
W home and put on his “other clothes.”
' When a person could get a good new overcoat anc hat in a
restaurant or at a banquet.
When a man could leave his shoes at the cobblers to be repaired and
not have to sit in his stocking feet and wait for them.
When persons could afford to use round steak to cut up into hinges
for the barn door. \
When a man could get married three or four times a year without
asking/for an increase in salary.
. When the college professor could afford a fréesh white lawn tie for
the commencement exercises.
When the quickest way to get 4 message to & man was to ring him
up on the telephone,
When women dressed so modestly on the street that it was a treat
to go to a burlesque show. !
When people thought they could buy birthday presents somewhere
besides the ten-cent stores.
. When the average gent didn't have to take castor oil for a cold.
When there was a demand for heayy rubber bands to III’PO\M bank
rolls.
When it wasn't possible to read s newspaper through the average
eut of prime roast beef.
A Few Good Ones
One Beyond Him.
uwnA'r a wonderful linguist that
man {s! Is there any tongue
he hasn’'t mastered 7"
*Yes; his wife's.”
Preparedness.
wn'll-bea.r John, mother was
80 pleased with all those nice
things you saild about her in your
letter to me. You see, she opened
it by mistake.
Hubby — Yes, 1 thought she
would.
The Dear, Dead Days.
I‘DOES your wife object to you
going out with your men
triends?" asked JimKkins,
“Not my married men friends,”
replied Sheard. “But she draws
the line at bachelors.”
“Why
“She says whenever | go out with
a party of bachelors 1 always re
turn home greatly depressed.”
A Memory
OHN HANCOCK and Benjamin Franklin, John Adume and severm:
mote to Philly did hie on a day in July and wrote some historical
J Jore. They twisted the tail of the lion who had ruled them from over
theses and they put & large kink in an old royal gink and established the
jand of the free. They sounded the knell of oppression. They gave royal
fubdub the gate. They threw off the yoke a tyrannical bloke had placed
to encumber thelr fate. They wrote out the old Declaration. A hand
some new fag they unfurled. They were weak, they were lame, but the
oid boys were game, and they gave us our start in the world,
They weren't at all academic, They rode for a win or & fall. They
were rough, they were gruff snd no scholastic stuff was part of their pro
gramme, at all. They rolled up their sleaves aud went at it, referred to
& spade as a spade. They got good and hot and chased George off the
jot and our reputation was made. They didn't kow-tow to the purple.
They made no alllance with kings. They tied a large can to the mon
archist tan and to crowns and to scopters and things. No foreign advice
414 they hanker, nor foreign dictation allow. But they set out alone. on
shadr own biood and bone—a thing (o remember RIGHT NOW,
The Winner.
c}IARLES-—l got this hat for
sprinting.
Ted--Who did you beat?
“The owner and two policemen!”
He Was Afraid.
CARTER~ So you didun't propose
to her, after all?
Wiseman—No. And I'm not go
ing to. When 1 got to her home |
found her chasing & mouse with a
broom.
Man's Sphere.
“W“ERE." asked the female
suffrage orator, “would man
be to-day were it not for woman?"
She paused a moment and looked
around the hall,
“1 repeat,” she said, “where
would man be today if not for
woman?
“He'd be in the Garden of Eden
eating strawberries,” answered a
volce from the gallery
R ™™™ A 7
UTLAnSL D DUNUAL AMKIIUAN — A Newspaper for P2ople Who Think — SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 1920.
Krazy lkhat By Herriman
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All Bad.
“l UNDERSTAND you went over
to Crimson Gulech and lynched
the wrong man.”
“No,” replied Three-Finger Sam,
“you can't lynch the wrong man in
Crimson Gulch. Wo jest got Plute
Pete a little bit abead of his turn.”
Patron Saints.
’rwo sallors, an Irishman and a
Scotohman, could never agree,
and the rest of the crew had be
come adepts in starting them on an
argument. One day “patron saints”
was the subject, of which the
Scotchman knew nothing and the
Irishman just a little
“Who was the patron saint of
Ireland ™ sald Jock.
“Do you mean to say you don't
know? sald Pat. *“Why, the holy
Bt. Patrick.”
“Well,” sald Jock in deliberate
tones, “hang your St. Patrick.”
In a towering rage the Irishman
hesitated & second while he
thought of something equally offen
salve, and then burst out with, “And
bang your Harry Lauder!™
COULDN'T DODGE 'EM.
She--Besldes, Algy, they say you
can not meet yvour oreditors.
Algy—lt's a beastly fib« 1 meet
them everywhere 1 go!
From Here and There
Highly Complimentary.
MAUD—-Mln Oldun thinks that
hotel clerk just lovely.
Ethel—Why so?
Maud—He wrote opposite her
name on the hotel register “Suite
sixteen.”
Nothing New.
WAITER——Whnt is the trouble,
sir?
Customer (sniffing) — What is
the trouble? Why, I asked for a
three-minute egg and you've given
me & three-year one!
Those Lost Letters,
“DID you mall my letter?”
“I'm sorry,” replied the
absent-minded husband. *I forgot
all about it.”
“Well, don't take it to neart. The
postoffice would probably have
done the same thing "
Education Is Wonderful.
FlsuMON(}Eß—«{)ur herrings are
nice and fresh mum,
Customer—Er—have they roes'
“Well, yes, muwm, the price is »
bit higher,
MUCH EASIER.
Sometime it Seems odsior to
make the world safe for demoeracy
than te make it good for three
moals a dav.
Fleeting Minutes.
FAIB MAID—! wonder what
causes the flight of time?
Brilliant Young Man—lt is prob
ably urged on by the spur of the
moment
HE KNEW.
The minister’'s little son was
struggling with his home work,
and happened to remark to his
father that the teacher had told
him that “congregate” and “col
lect” meant exactly the same
thing.
“Quite wrong,” said the father,
with an air of knowledge-—"quite
wrong! Tell your teacher there is
all the difference in the world be
tween a ‘congregation’ and a ‘col
lection'!™
FOUR FEET WOULD BE BETTER.
Pat was the man who did all the
odd jobs about the place, and ow
ing to petty thieving his boss in
structed him to get a good yard
dog. Pat was out all day, and in
the evening landed home with a
daschund.
“What on earth is this you have
brought along?' queried the boas.
“Well, sir,” sald Pat, “he’s the
nearest I could get to a yard—he's
three feet and six inches long.”
NATURALLY,
An Englishman traveling in the
remote Highlands remarked to a
villager: “But what on earth do
you do when any one is il1? You
can pever get to a doctor in time?”
“Na, sir,” repiiexl Sendv. “We
just dee a natural death.
certaln woman came from
A the West some time ago and
kicked a hole in the exist
ing condition of mundane ignorance
by announcing that she had a
direct wire to spookland, via the
oulja board and was ready tc take
telegrams and night letters and
guarantee answers to same in less
l time than Mr, Burleson could get
ln reply from Hackensack.
| As soon as the lady announced
ltho possibility of connecting up
with the eternal hence by means of
]m ouija board a great many
| persons suddenly discovered that
they had business with the future
’ state, business that could not wait.
i Men who had struggled along all
| their lives without delving into the
| mysteries of the unknown, went
| home with oulja boards tucked
l under their overcoats and got busy
! with them after the folks had gone
; to bed.
When Marconi invented wireless,
which would speak through space
for a hundred miles, it was thought
| a wonderful thing and about three
;hundred thousand private citizens
i started Mtile wireless plants in
| SAME THING.
| Lily—Arthur Is always telling
{ me of his burning love.
’ Rose—~That's nothing. George is
Vdways treating me to lee cream.
Ouija, Tell Me True
their homes with home-made
antennae on the roof.
But the ouija board speaks not
only hundreds of miles but millions
—nobody knows how many or just
how far it is to the other side.
An expert like the western lady
may be able to do something with
an ouija board, but when an
amateur gets nold of one it is time
for angels to weep and for the
weak-hearted to take to the woods,
for the ouija board is capable of
giving some of the wierdest infom
mation to be had either this side
or the other side of the River Styx,
when engineered by scmeone with
out experience. Like a flivver in
the hands of a man who mever
drove before, it 1s apt to climb
trees or crash through fences or
dash through the front windows of
millinery stores, tiguratively
speaking. It 1s liable to upset
about everything in sight.
It {s positively dangerous for an
amateur to ask an ouija board any
question, the answer to which is
Hable to in any way embarrass him,
It is best to stick to generalities.
When & man and his wife get to
DIAGNOSIS.
“Doctor, 1 am troubled with cold
extremities. What do you suppose
is the cause?
“Cold weather. $2, please!” '
hectoring an ouija board together,
disaster i{s just around the corner.
It isn't safe to play any jokes on
the thing or to try to tease it for
an intelligent ouija can throw any
parlor wit that ever lived.
One gentlemen thought to joke
with an ouija board the other night
and asked if his business partner
was on the square,
“Y-e-8,” spelled the oulja, “bud
y-o-u a-r<¢ n-ot”
Whereat they all langhed mereilp
and many of them belleved it and
always will belleve it.
“Where I 8 Henry, my husband,
to-night?” asked a hesitating lady
at an ouija party. The party
gathered over the little board to
get the anawer. The ouljw
hesitated somewhat and then
spelled: “T-ell them all to
le-a-ve the room and 1 will
tell you”
80, an oulja board has a heart, |
There are but few principles to
observe when operating an oulja
board in public. The most vital
one is not to ask any question
which you are at all particular
about. An oulja board pMhys ne
tavorities and cannot be bribed.
HARD WORK,
The man who makes money too
casily takes his turn at the hard
work when it comes t oexplaining
how he got it
