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HI ■ttMN.MMHHNHMMBMHMMMVNHiMHaMHi
A BASHFUL MAN IN LOVE.
The Spirit of the Times has some cor
respondent, so it has; humorous fellows,
who write for the fun of it, and to excite
fun in others. And they succeed, too, and
with the aid of the tallest of editors, the
real Porter, makes the Spirit the greatest
paper published. “One of em” tells the
adventures of a bashful lover as follows :
His name was Danphule ; we used to
call him Jackey for short. Heaven help
me if he could see this story ; I hope he
does not get the Spirit.
Among many of his misfortunes, for he
was cockeyed, red haired, knock-kneed,
and almost toothless, he numbered the
inconvenient one of bashfulness ; never
theless, he was fond of ladies ; although
when in tlieir presence, he never opened
his mouth if he could help it, and when
he did «peak, he used both &asd* to help
him : in fact, he was a man of “great ac
tions.”
Jack, one warm day, fell- in love ; he
had just graduated at college, and began
to think he must seek the ladies’ society;
he was getting to be a man, :uid it was
manly to have a “penchant.”
So Jack fell in love with the sweetest,
liveliest, most hoydenish girl in the
square ; but how to tell his love! there
was the rub. He had heard a good deal
of the “language of the eyes,” and he
accordingly trial that, but when he look
ed particularly hard at the window where
Miss Emily was in the habit of sitting,
some persons on the other side of the
street would invariably bow to him,
thinking he was endeavoring to catch
their eye.. He had despised expressive
eyes ever since then.
At length Jack obtained an introduc
tion through his sister, and with her he
called several times, but she was obliged
to leave the city for the season, and as
such interview only increased his ardor,
he determined on going alone.
Long before the hour fixed upon by
custom for an evening visit, he found
himself arrayed in his best. Blue coat,
metal buttons, black cassimere pants,
(said pants being a leetle tighter than the
skin,) and a spotless vest.
The journals of the day state, as an
item of intelligence, that the thermome
ter ranged from 75 to 80 degrees. Jack
swears it was a 100.
As the hour gradually drew near, Jack
found his perspiration and his courage
oozing together ; and he almost determ
ined to put it off and stay at home.- fie
concluded, however, he’d U.ke a walk
past the house and see how he felt.
By the time he reached the mansion,
he firmly concluded not to go in, but on
Savannah, G-a., Saturday, April 13,1867.
casting his eyes towards the parlor win
dow and perceiving no signs of life, he
thought it was probable that no one was
at home, and since he had proceeded so
far, he w ould proceed farther, and leave
his card.
No sooner determined than concluded.
In a reckless moment he pulled the bell;
the darned thing needn’t make such a
cussed noise.
The door was opened as if by magic,
and the servant girl politely asked him
in. Miss Emily w r as alone in the parlor,
and would be delighted to see him.
O Lord! here was a fix ! go in a dark
parlor with a pretty girl alone ! It was
too late to retreat, the girl had closed the
front door, and was pointing into the par
lor where Miss Emily was.
Being perfectly convinced that no
choice wasleft him, into the dark parlor
he walked or glided.
All was perfect chaos to his eyes for a
moment, but only for a moment, then
from the deepest gloom came forth an
angel voice “bidding him welcome and
draw near.” To obey the order, was but
the work of a moment, as he supposed,
but he little dreamed of the obstacle
which fate had thrown in his way. He
knew too well that the stream of love
had many ripples, but full grown snags
entered not into his head. Judge then of
his astonishment at being tripped up al
most at the fair one’s feet, by a fat stool
with plethoric legs, which chance or a
careless servant had placed exactly on his
road to happiness. Over he went, and
as the tailor had not allowed for any ex
tra tension of the muscles and sinews, he
not only procured a tumble, but also a
compound fracture extending all across
that point which comes in closest contact
with the chair.
Having picked himself up as carefully
as circumstances would allow,the smoth
ered laugh of miss Emily not “setting
him forward any,” he at last succeeded
in reaching a chair, and drawing liis coat
tails forward to prevent a disagreeable
expose, set himself down with as much
grace as a bear would when requested to
dance upon a pile of needles.
The young lady was almost suffocated
with laughter at the sad misfortunes of
the bashful lover, felt truly sorry for Jbim,
and used all her powers of fascination to
drive it from his mind, and eventually
succeeded so as to induce him to make a
remark. On this rock he split.
Just at that moment she discovered she
had lost her handkerchief. What had
become of it ? She was sme she had it
.when he came in. It must certainly be
somewhere about.
“Haven’t you got it under you, Mr.
Danphule ?”
Jack was sure he had not, but poor
Jack in venturing an answer, could not
possibly get along without raising his
hands, and of course he must drop his
coat tail. In his anxiety to recover the
missing viper, he even ventured to in
clude his body so as to get u glance on
the door. As he did so the fracture open
ed, and behold there lay as the lady sup
posed, her property.
It was the work of a moment to catch
the comer and exclaim :
“Here it is sir, you needn’t trouble
yourself about it. Just raise a little, it’s
under you,” at the same time she gave it
a long hard pull.
Alas the tail was told; no escape, noth
ing short of a special interposition of
Providence could save his shirt.
But what should he do ? Another and
another, stronger pull, evincing on the
part of the lady a praiseworthy determi
nation to obtain the lost dry goods
coupled with the request:
“Get up, sir, you’re sitting on it,” de
termined him; and in the agony of the
moment, and grabbing with both hands
a fast disappearing strip of linen which
encircled his neck, he exclaimed :
“For God’s sake, Miss Emily, leave
my shirt collar!”
Some one—a bachelor no doubt—has
devised an ingenius way by wriiich one
may ascertain the age of ladies—or of
any one else. It consists of the follow
ing table, the use of which may be made
a charming little parlor or fireside amuse
ment for the long winter evenings.—
Hand the table to any one and request
him or her to inform you in how many
columns his or her age appeals; then to
ascvivaiu the secret of their age observe
the instruction of the foot note.f The
answer thus obtained will invariably be
correct. To make the game interesting
the foot-note should be cut off, so that
the system by which it works may not
be comprehended by the parties to whom
the table is handed. Here it is:
1 2 4 8 16 32
.33 5 9 17 33
5 6 6 10 18 34
7 7 7 11 19 35
9 10 12 12 20 36
11 11 13 13 21 37
13 14 14 14- 22 38.
15 15 15 15 23 39
17 18 20 24 24 40
19 19 21 25 25 41
21 22 22 26 26 42
23 23 23 27 27 43
25 26 28 28 28 44
27 27 29 29 29 45
29 30 30 30 30 46
31 31 31 31 31 47
33 34 36 40 48 48
35 35 37 41 49 42
37 38 38 42 50 50
39 39 89 43 51 51
41 42 44 44 52 52
43 43 45 45 53 53
45 46 46 46 54 54
47 47 47 47 55 55
49 50 52 56 56 56
51 ?>! 53 57 57 57
53 54 5-4 ■ 68 58 58
65 65 55 59 59 59
57 58 60 60 60 60
59 59 61 61 61 61
61 62 62 62 62 62
63 63 68 63 63 63
+Add the numbers together at the top
of each column in which one’s age ap
pears. and then you have the covrect so
ution.
YOL. L NO. 3.
What is Progressive Agriculture?
—The New York Observer answers this
question in a few words, but very com
prehensively as follows :
Under its influence spring tasty and con
venient dwellings adorned with shrubs
and flowers, and beautiful within with
the smiles of happy wives, tidy children
in the lap of thoughtful age—broad hearts
and acts, as well as words of welcome.
Progressive agriculture builds bains and
puts gutters on them, builds stables for
cattle and raise roots to feed them. It
grafts wild apple trees by the meadow
with pippins of greenings; it sets out new
orchards and takes care of she old ones.
It drains low lands, cuts down bushes,
buys a mower,house tools and wagons,
keeps good fences and practices soiling.
It makes hens lay,chickens live,and pre
vents swine from rooting up meadows.
Progressive agriculture keeps on hand
plenty dry fuel and brings in the oven
wood for women. It plows deeply, sows
plentifully, harrows evenly, and prays
for the blessings of Heaven.
A Happy Woman. —Here is something
for the deal’, delightful darlings:
‘A happy woman! is not she the very
sparkle and sunshine of life ? A woman
is happy because she can’t help it —
whose smile even th-i> coldest sprinkle of
misfortune cannot dampen. Men make
a terrible mistake when they. marry for
deauty, for talent, or for style; the sweet
est wives are those who possess the mag
ic secret of being contented under any
csrcumstances. Rich or poor, high or
low, it makes no difference; the bright
little fountain of joy bubbles up just as
musically in their hearts.”
A Dutchman’s Temperance Lfcturk.
—“I shall teil you how it vos. I put
mine hand on my head und dere vas von
pig pain. Den I put mine hand on mine
pody, und dere vas anoder. Den I put
mine hand on mine pocket, und dere va3
notting. So Ijined rnit de temperance.
Now dere vas no more pain in mine
head. De pains in mine pody vas all
goneaway. I put mine hand in mine
pocket, und dere vas twenty toliar. So
I dinks I stay mit de temperance.”
Advice to Boys. —The following good
advice to boys, though old, is none the
less worthy of imitation :
“You are made to be kind, generous
and magnanimus,” says Horace Mann.—-
‘lf there is a boy in school who has a
club foot, don’t let him know you ever
saw it. If there is a: boy with ragged
clothes, don’t talk about rags in his hear
ing. If there is a lame boy, assign him
some part in the play that does not re
quire much ruuning. If there is a dull
one, help him to get his lesson.”
If marriage is a lottery, the editor of
the Gardiner, Me., Journal can be indict
ed for the manner be takes to procure
subscribers. Here is his offer: “For
two new subscribers, furnished bj any
good looking young lady, we will famish
a husband, or if we fail in that, we will
marry her ourself as soon as the law will
permit ”
