PAGE 8, JULY 21, 2008, THE ISLANDER
Dave Barry
Go ahead, panic
By Dave Barry
Class 3 rapids ("Not Always Fatal").
I made it through, using the vet
eran kayaker technique of closing
my eyes, so that the river could not
see me. I will not humiliate anybody
by naming names here, but Ron fell
out of his kayak. Fortunately, Lloyd
rescued him; otherwise Ron would
have drifted all the way to the Pacific
Ocean, getting repeatedly spawned
on by aggressive male salmon.
After that, the river got calmer
and we did pretty well. In conclusion,
kayaking is a fun sport that I recom
mend to everybody who has a sense
of adventure and a good HMO. I plan
to do it again. Maybe I'll see you out
on the river some day! Assuming my
eyes are open.
This classic DAVE BARRY column
was originally published Sept. 21, 2003.
(C) 2008 The Miami Herald. Dist. by
Tribune Media Services. Dave Barry is a
humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Write to him c/o Tropic Magazine, The
Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami
FL 33132) a
Every so often, I head for Sun
Valley, Idaho, because I have friends
there, and because Idaho contains
large quantities of nature. The prob
lem is that my friends are never
content to sit around with a cool
beverage and look at the nature from
a safe distance, as nature intended.
No, my friends want to go out and
interact with the nature in some
kind of potentially fatal way.
Frenzied suicidal outdoor inter
activity is big in the Sun Valley
area. Everybody you see is wear
ing a helmet and those really tight
shorts that outdoorsy people wear to
ensure that their personal character
istics are visible from Mars. There
is no outdoor activity too hazardous
for these people: They climb sheer
cliffs barehanded; they ride bicycles
down steep ski slopes; they leap off
mountainsides and soar hundreds
of feet in the air suspended from
what appears to be a cafe awning.
I suspect that sometimes, having
run out of other dangerous things
to do, they go out into the forest
and run headfirst into boulders. You
laugh, but this is probably a growing
sport, with its own monthly maga
zine (Rock Butting).
So inevitably, when I'm in Idaho,
my friends involve me in some insane
outdoor activity. One time, my friend
Ridley talked me into climbing way
up an absurdly dangerous tree, a
tree that was surrounded by the
corpses of squirrels that had fallen
to their deaths while attempting to
ascend it.
On my most recent trip, my friend
Erasmo talked me into whitewater
kayaking. Erasmo lives in Stanley,
Idaho (population: Erasmo) where
he runs The River Company, an out
fit that sends tourists, with guides,
in rafts and kayaks down the Salm
on River, which is very scenic and
also the same temperature as liquid
nitrogen. Erasmo insisted that I'd
enjoy riding this river in a kayak,
a small boat that gets its name
from the Eskimo words "kay," mean
ing "boat," and "ak," meaning "that
should not be occupied by anybody
who is not a licensed Eskimo."
Joining me on this adventure was
my cousin-in-law Ron, who drove
to Idaho from Minnesota in a large
rental RV capable of traveling as
far as 11 feet on a single gallon of
gasoline. Ron brought his family and
his small dog, Leo. "Never travel
without a small dog" is an old fron
tier saying, and Leo showed why in
the town of Arco, Idaho. They had
stopped to (surprise!) get gas, and
everybody got out except Leo, who
remained inside the RV to perform
the vital canine function of jumping
up and down and yipping at every
body to come back. While doing this,
Leo managed to press the button
that locks all the doors, leaving Ron
and family locked out without the
keys. Good boy!
Anyway, when Ron and I got to
the Salmon River, our guide, Lloyd,
had us put on Spider Man-style wet
suits and life jackets and helmets.
We were feeling manly and outdoor
sy until Lloyd pointed out, quietly,
that our helmets were on backward.
After we turned them around, Lloyd
gave us a briefing on how to kayak,
which mostly consisted of what to do
if you fall out of the kayak. What you
do is: Don't panic. This is the same
advice I've been given in every sport
I've ever tried. Just once I wish the
guide would say: "If something goes
wrong, flail your limbs and scream
in terror." Then I'd feel qualified.
After our briefing, Ron and I got
into our kayaks and pushed out into
the river to practice our paddling
skills. In a few minutes, we found
that by stroking our paddles on the
left or right side, forward or back
ward, we were able to have abso
lutely no effect on what our kayaks
were doing. Our kayaks were tak
ing direction only from the Salmon
River, which was telling them: Go
Downstream Now! So we did. In a
few minutes, we hit our first rapids,
which were officially classified as a
Movie Night
at the Casino
Simons Library League
Amazing Grace
Wednesday,
July 30
7:00 p.m.
Casino Theater
"Amazing Grace" UK, 2006, directed
by Michael Apted. The great gospel hymn
“Amazing Grace" ms written by a British
slave trader in repentance for his sins. This film
of the same name touches on that story and
how it intersects with the career of William
Wilberforce, the passionate British crusader
whose efforts led to the abolition of the slave
trade in the 19th century. It is a detailed,
affecting biography of one of the great souls
who moved humanity forward. Bated PG.
Movies are free, but contributions are appreciated.
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