Newspaper Page Text
PAGE 10, APRIL 27, 2009, THE ISLANDER
Daye Barry
Fear of Fly-casting
By Dave Barry
we could stop.
Later, Ron and I agreed that it
had been a lot of fun and we would
definitely never do it again. So to any
trout reading this column, I say: You
are safe from us. And to the Idaho Fish
and Game Department, I say: You'll
never take me alive.
This classic DAVE BARRY column
was originally published. Sept. 19, 2004.
(C) 2009 The Miami Herald. Dist. by
Tribune Media Services. Dave Barry is
a humor columnist for the Miami Her
ald. Write to him do Tropic Magazine,
The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza,
Miami FL 33132) □
There comes a time when a man
must go into the wilderness and face
one of mankind's oldest, and most
feared, enemies: trout.
For me, that time came recently in
Idaho, where I go every year. Many
people think Idaho is nothing but
potato farms, but nothing could be
further from the truth: There are also
beet farms. No, seriously, Idaho is a
beautiful state that offers-to quote
Emerson-"nature out the bazooty."
This includes many rivers and streams
that allegedly teem with trout. I say
"allegedly" because until recently I
never saw an actual trout, teeming or
otherwise. People were always point
ing at the water and saying, "Look!
Trout!" But I saw nothing. I wondered
if these people were like that creepy
little boy in the movie The Sixth Sense
who had the supernatural ability to
see trout.
Anyway, on this Idaho trip my
friend Ron Ungerman-and "Unger-
man" is NOT a funny name, so let's
not draw undue attention to it-per-
suaded me to go trout fishing. We
purchased fishing licenses and hired a
guide named Susanne, who is German
but promised us that she would not be
too strict.
Susanne had me and Ron Unger-
man (Ha ha!) put on rubber waders,
which serve two important purposes:
1) they cause your legs to sweat; and
2) they make you look like Nerd Boy
from the Planet Dork. Then we hiked
through roughly 83 miles of aromatic
muck to a spot on the Wood River
that literally throbbed with trout. I, of
course, did not see them, but I did see
a lot of blooping on the water surface,
which Susanne assured us was caused
by trout.
But there was a problem. To catch
trout, you have to engage in "fly-cast
ing," a kind of fishing that is very chal
lenging, and here I am using "chal
lenging" in the sense of "idiotic." When
I was a boy, I fished with a worm on a
hook and it always worked, and I will
tell you why: Fish are not rocket sci
entists. They see a worm, and in their
tiny brains they think, "Huh! This is
something I have never seen before
underwater! I had better eat it!"
But with "fly-casting," you wade
into the river and attempt to place a
"fly"—a furry little hook thingy weigh
ing slightly less than a hydrogen
atom-on top of the water right where
the trout are blooping. You do this
by waving your fishing rod back and
forth, using the following rhythm, as
explained to us (I am not making
this up) by Susanne: "CO-ca CO-la,
CO-ca CO-la." On your third CO-la,
you point your arm forward, and the
"fly," in a perfect imitation of nature,
lands on your head. Or sometimes it
forms itself into a snarl that cannot be
untangled without the aid of a chain
saw AND a flamethrower.
At least that's what kept happening
to me and my friend Ron Ungerman.
(Yes! "Ungerman!") We stood there for
hours, waving our rods and going CO-
ca CO-la, but most of the time we were
not getting our flies anywhere near
the blooping. The trout were laugh
ing so hard at us that they considered
evolving legs so they could crawl onto
land and catch their breath.
But Susanne was a good teacher,
and very patient, and finally, just
when I thought I would never ever
catch a trout, it happened: I got a cita
tion for not having my fishing license
with me. Really. I left the license back
in the car. The Idaho Fish and Game
official who cited me was very polite,
and so was I, because he was wearing
a sidearm. I considered asking him if
I could borrow it to shoot a trout, but
there's probably some rule against
THAT, too.
As the day wore on, our efforts-
"CO-ca CO-la; CO-ca CO-la"-took on
an air of desperation, because it was
becoming clear that Susanne, a true
professional, was NOT going to let
us leave until we caught a blooping
fish. So you can imagine how blooping
happy we were when Ron (Ungerman)
finally managed to haul in a trout.
It was not a large trout. It was the
length of a standard Cheeto. But it
WAS a trout, dammit, and it meant
Til,
19th
Package Store
Frederica North
3600 Frederica Road
•Smiley Face Specials*
lOur Commitment to Our Islands is to have
rhe Best Stocked, Cleanest, Most Informed,
Most Unique Beer, Wine, Whiskey
I Shop Anywhere Around, Bar None
l/Valk, Thumb or Bum, Just Don't Drive Dumb"
^33-8610 • fax 912-638-8613 • 19thhole@bellsouth.net
Movie Night
at the Casino
Sponsored-byAetStSSimons Library League
Kinky Boots
Wednesday,
April 29
7 p.m.
Casino Theater
"Kinky Boots." UK, 2005, directed by Julian
Jerald. A drag queen—played beautifully by
the remarkable Chiwetel Ejiofor-comes to
the rescue of a man who, after inheriting
his father's shoe factory, needs to diversify
his product if he wants to keep the business
afloat. 107 minutes; Rated PG13.
Movies are free, but contributions are appreciated.
Read Your Local News
Here Each Week
*74e Dilanael ftew-inanel
Subscribe
NOW!
$20.00 in Glynn County • $22.00 out of Glynn County
Call (912) 265-9654 or send your check to:
The Islander Newspaper
P.O. Box 20539
St. Simons Island, GA 31522
Name
Address
City
Payment Method: Check #
MasterCard#
State
Zip
Phone
exp.
VISA#
exp.
