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PAGE 8, JULY 6, 2009, THE ISLANDER
Dam Barry,
The Class-Conscious
Diet
By Dave Barry
I marched off to the bar, which is where
spouses tend to gather at reunions.
But getting back to my point: I think
the Perpetual Class Reunion Weight
Loss Plan will be a huge hit. What I
need now is start-up capital. So if you're
a rich person, send me a check, OK? Do
it soon! Don't make me angry. Because
I know where your dog lives.
This classic DAVE BARRY column
was originally published Oct. 12,
2003. (C) 2009 The Miami Herald.
Dist. by Tribune Media Services.
Dave Barry is a humor columnist
for the Miami Herald. Write to him
do Tropic Magazine, The Miami
Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami FL
33132) □
My favorite part of The New York
Times (motto: "No Longer Making
Things Up, As Far As We Know") is a
weekly section that reports on things
that trendy New Yorkers are doing.
This section is called Sunday Styles,
because it would be rude to come right
out and call it Rich Twits on Parade.
For example, Sunday Styles recently
had a feature about the problems faced
by New Yorkers who leave their dogs
at their Hampton homes during the
week, when they (the New Yorkers)
reside at their Manhattan homes. You
people who are fortunate enough not
to have homes in both Manhattan and
the Hamptons have NO IDEA what
these people go through.
"You worry about dogs in these
situations," states one woman, who
pays a person to stay with her dogs,
Sparkle and Puccini. There's a photo
of the dogs lounging by the pool of the
woman's East Hampton home, which
according to the Times is ("after 9/11")
stocked with several weeks of dog sup
plies, including "filtered water, beef
chews and, of course, a small supply of
Xanax." Of course.
Another dog-owner has his "staff of
four" arrange Hampton "play dates" for
his dogs and the dogs of his socialite
friends. I could go on, but I suspect
you are already close to heaving your
Wheaties.
Which brings us to another recent
Sunday Styles feature, concerning
another trend: not eating. I don't mean
dieting. I mean not eating any solid food
at all, for as long as 30 days. People do
this to lose weight, of course, but they
also claim that it purifies their bodies,
and makes them feel energetic and
positive. Then they go to the Hamptons
and eat their dogs.
Just kidding! But I am not kidding
about this: There's a place in Califor
nia, called the We Care Spa, which bills
itself as "a holistic fasting retreat," and
which charges guests up to $3,484 A
WEEK. Yes! To starve! (To be fair and
balanced, I should point out that the
guests also receive enemas. )
I don't know about you, but when
I see misguided individuals spending
large sums of money-money that could
be used to feed the hrmgry-on New
Age Wacko self-abuse, my reaction, as
a humanitarian, is: How can I cash in
on this?
So I had an idea. It's a weight-loss
concept that will enable regular people-
-people who can't spend thousands of
dollars to go to a spa and not eat-to not
eat right in their own homes. It's called
"The Perpetual Class Reunion Weight
Loss Plan."
I got this idea from my wife, who
recently had her 20-year high-school
class reunion, and ate basically nothing
r
Til,
19th
for the entire month preceding it. When
we got to the reunion, it was clear that
the other women also had worked very
hard to get back to the size they were in
high school. Whereas some of the men
had expanded to the actual size of the
high school.
So the Perpetual Class Reunion
Weight Loss Plan is not for guys. But
I bet it would be very effective for
women. The way it would work is,
you'd pay a fee, in return for which the
Plan would organize a reunion of your
high-school class EVERY WEEKEND.
In addition to never eating again, you'd
enjoy countless other benefits:
1. You would get really, really good
at doing The Electric Slide.
2. Your spouse would want a
divorce.
The list just goes on and on!
For the record, I enjoyed my wife's
reunion, especially hearing people
reminisce about the fun times they
had in high school. At one point, I was
talking with one of my wife's female
classmates, who said: "You see those
two women over there? I had a class
with them, and every day they wrote
down what I wore. If I wore an outfit
I'd worn before, they'd yell, 'REPEAT!
REPEAT!"'
"You're kidding," I said.
"Nope," she said.
"At least you're not bitter," I said.
"I'm gonna go tell them I remem
ber," she said.
And she did. She marched over to
the two women, while her husband and
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Movie Night
at the Casino
.Spon sor L ed ibyitTTeFS.tlS imons Library League
Girl with the
Pearl Earring
Wednesday, July 8
7 p.m.
Casino Theater
"Girl with the Pearl Earring." UK, 2003,
Directed by Peter Webber. Adapted from the book
by Tracy Chevalier, this tells a story about the
events surrounding the creation of the painting
"Girl with a Pearl Earring" by 17h century Dutch
master Johannes Vermeer. The girl is played by
Scarlett Johansson and the painter is Colin Firth.
100 minutes; Rated PG13.
Upcoming Movies and Events Include:
Thursday, July 30 - I've Loved You So Long
Movies are free, but contributions are appreciated.
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