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PAGE 8, AUGUST 3, 2009, THE ISLANDER
■ Dave Barry
Bride as
Frankenstein
Every year, as we enter wedding
season, I go to the bookstore and pick
up a bridal magazine. Then I crumple
to the floor with lower-back spasms,
because during wedding season, bridal
magazines achieve roughly the same
mass as Kirstie Alley. They have hun
dreds of pages of advertisements and
articles designed to help the bride, as
she gets ready for her Special Day, go
completely insane.
She can't help it. Your modern
American wedding is more complex, in
terms of logistics, than a lunar land
ing. For one thing, NASA scientists
don't have to decide on guest favors;
the bride does, and it's not simple.
Here's what Modern Bride had to say
on this topic in its latest issue (312
pounds): "Gone are the days of giving
guests mixed nuts in little plastic cups
as wedding favors . . . Brides today
have so many options . . . Choose
unique favor containers-tiny tins,
clear plastic cones, little gossamer
bags-and fill them with your favorite
treats. Give each guest a silver frame
... Or tie a stack of your favorite cook
ies together with personalized ribbon.
The choices are truly endless!"
And they are! Truly! Endless!
Which is why tonight, while you're
snoring the snore of the carefree, some
stressed-out bride-to-be, who had once
hoped (the fool!) to get by with mixed
nuts in a cup, will be staring at her
bedroom ceiling, asking herself: "Tiny
tins? Gossamer bags? Personalized
ribbon?
At dawn, she's still struggling to
make this decision so she can get on
with the other 158,000 critical bridal
decisions-decisions she must make by
herself, because she stopped talking
to her mother weeks ago, following a
bitter argument about the cake frost
ing. The bride, alone, must decide on
her dress, shoes, flowers, invitations,
place cards, caterer, photographer and
all the other wedding elements that
must be perfect or her Special Day will
be RUINED, RUINED, RUINED.
And don't tell me that the groom
can help. Please. The groom is useless.
Statistically speaking, something like
92 percent of all grooms are male. If
you let males plan weddings, you're
going to wind up with Skee Ball at the
reception.
No, the groom dropped out of the
picture minutes after he proposed.
For all the bride knows, he's been kid
napped by aliens. It does not matter.
The bride must plunge grimly ahead,
making decision after decision, day
after stressful day, night after sleep
less night, until she has, at most, two
remaining marbles.
Unfortunately, the bride reaches
this state just as she is turning her
By Dave Barry
attention to the most abused victim
group in America: bridesmaids. If
you wonder why you see so many
weddings where the bridesmaids are
unrecognizable, the answer is that
these poor women were following the
fashion orders of a crazed bride who
wants all her bridesmaids, regard
less of physical type, to have exactly
the same "look," because otherwise
her Special Day would be RUINED,
RUINED, RUINED.
A few years ago, my wife was a
bridesmaid; the bride was the sweet
est, most thoughtful person we know.
But she insisted that all her brides
maids get a certain hairdo, which
meant that my wife emerged from
the beauty salon with this foot-high
THING on her head formed by (1) her
hair; (2) a substance that appeared
to be either very strong hairspray or
Super Glue; and (3) 14 million bobby
pins. She had enough steel on her
head to make a Cadillac Escalade. Her
hairdo was interfering with aircraft
compasses. She did not look like my
wife. And she wasn't! She was ... a
bridesmaid!
Can anything be done to halt this
craziness? Yes. Alert reader Lori Risp-
oli has come up with a brilliant solu
tion:
"Have you ever wondered," she
writes, "why it takes a bride months
and months to plan a wedding, but a
good funeral can be pulled together
in two days? The elements are all the
same-church, minister, music, flow
ers, guests, food."
Lori is absolutely right. What we
need is a law prohibiting brides from
planning their weddings more than,
say, a week in advance. A bride caught
violating this law would be subject
to severe punishment, such as being
forced to walk down the aisle to the
time of "I Shot the Sheriff."
Wouldn't that be great? Brides-
and their loved ones-would be spared
months of insanity. Weddings would
be simpler, cheaper and more relaxed.
Everybody would win! Except, of
course, the people who put out the
bridal magazines. They'd have to find
something useful to do. But I'm sure
they'll have no trouble. The choices are
truly endless.
This classic DAVE BARRY column
was originally published March 2,2003.
(C) 2009 The Miami Herald. Dist. by
Tribune Media Services. Dave Barry is
a humor columnist for the Miami Her
ald. Write to him do Tropic Magazine,
The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza,
Miami FL 33132) □
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