About Flagpole. (Athens, Ga.) 1987-current | View Entire Issue (April 13, 2011)
MAHERS OF THE HEART AND LOINS I have been with my boyfriend for the last four years—the last one I had since I was 18.1 guess I am not good at being alone. My boyfriend is an alcoholic and a train wreck. He goes through phases where he is being u good, * which translates to only getting drunk every night and not blacking out at all. I know this is not good. I hove a decent job. It is not what I actually want to do, but I am paying my bills and trying to make things happen with my art. He doesn't work because his parents are supporting him. He is also an artist, to the extent that he actually does anything. When he is in a good mood, he does his art and he is good at it. Do I think he can make a living from it? I don't know, but not when he is only doing it half-assed and he spends most of his time drinking. He always tells me I am wasting my time with my job, but I don't have parents to support me, so I have to work. He makes me feel crappy. I tried to give him an ultimatum, told him he had to stop drinking cr I would leave. I even talked to his parents about it. They made him go to AA. He said he had quit and he begged me to come back. I didn't wont to, but I was lonely and bored so I did. Now he wants to move in together. I know this will be the end for me. I keep avoiding the subject and he keeps bring ing it up. I know he is drinking again. I don't know what to do but I know I have to get him out of my life. How can I end the cycle? Trapped in My Head You already know what you have to do, so now you have to make a plan. Block his emails, texts and calls. Do not call him. Do not see him. Treat every urge you have to con tact him like a nicotine fit: you know you'll be better when it passes. Make some friends, get out more, and channel all of your energy into your art. You'll be happier, and he won't be able to pull you back in. I am fairly new in town. I have met a few friends and I am starting to feel pretty good about things. There are some people I work with who hang around together all the time, and they have invited me along on their regular weekly shenani gans. So far, so good, right? Except that there is a girl in that group with whom I believe I may have made a very big error. We were talk ing a lot about our lives and our pasts at a thing last week, and we really hit it off. I felt like I hod really met a kindred spirit. I think she did, too. Now the problem is that I don't have a lot of time and she is really, really pushing for us to hang out. I like her—I really do—but it's kind of getting to be too much. I don't have a lot of free time, and I feel like she is desper ately trying to schedule some time where we can get together without the group. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I don't have a lot of time. But now, I am starting to kind of not want to, you know? Just because I feel like she is really pushing. I know this makes me kind of a bitch. I don't want to be. Help me. Not Avoiding Her, Yet You should explain to her in no uncertain terms that you really are just busy. But you should also try very hard to make this thing happen, because you might find that once you get there everything would be OK. Often the planning of an event can really be stressful, and you start to not want to participate. But if you guys really hit it off, you will probably find ttjat once you make the time you will actually enjoy each other's company. Don't psyche yourself out. Maybe you two can break away from the next group thing? My boyfriend and I have been dating for eight years. We're both in our 30s, and even though I have never felt a lot of ptessure about getting married before, I am starting to now. I don't know why. I don't want kids or anything, but it seems like all of our friends are getting married and having kids, and I guess I always figured we would eventually get married and now I am starting tc wonder when that might be. We live together, we get along super well, and everything is fine. We're still having regular sex, we get along well with each other's families, and we have, in the L yy distant past, discussed mar- ySfra riage in a way that makes me BA 1|HI think we're on the same page Bm and everything will eventu ally be just fine. But for some reason, some stupid, inexpli cable reason, I am starting to think about it. A lot. And I want to get married. A lot. I am starting to wonder what he is waiting for and if it will ever happen, but I keep telling myself not to jinx anything by bringing it up. What do you think I should do? Nice Day for a ...Well, You Know Is it out of the realm of possibil ity that you might propose to him? Or would that spoil it for you? If you don't think it's too weird, then I think you should pop the question. If you're not comfortable with that, then you should just bring it up. Don't wait until this becomes a huge deal and you're feeling a lot of pressure and you have stressed yourself out about it. Just ask him out of the blue one day, preferably when you're alone and in a good place to talk, if he has thought about it recently. Tell him you have been thinking about it. See what he thinks. If your relation ship is as happy and healthy as you think it is, then this should not be a scary conversa tion. Good luck. Jyl Inov Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button at www.flagpole.com. 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