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JUNE 22, 2011 FLAGPOLE.COM 27
So, my wedding day is fast approaching—
getting hitched in October. Everything is going
well, except that there has been some recent
drama with one of my bridesmaids. She got
engaged just a few weeks after I did and set
a date in February. We were emailing wedding
ideas, supporting each other, being generally
giddy/overwhelmed, like all brides-to-be.
The problem is, a few weeks ago she had
to call her wedding off. There had
been drama with her fiance
even back when he was her
boyfriend... They prob
ably should never have
gotten engaged, but
that's another story...
Long story short, they are
breaking up, and she is
obviously devastated.
And now I just feel
incredibly awkward.
I am still excited by
my wedding, of course,
and I want her to be
involved, but I feel insen
sitive even mentioning my
wedding plans around her
now. I don't want to rub it in or make her feel
bad, but I also feel like I'm walking on egg
shells now, and that's not fun for anyone.
Any suggestions on how to proceed? How
do I gently invite her to my bridal shower, for
example, without it coming across as "Hey,
come celebrate MY wedding which is still hap
pening. .. unlike yours!"
Gettin' Hitched, Not a Bitch.
Have a very honest conversation with her
about this right away. Tell her you feel bad
and you don't want to rub it in, but that
you're excited about the wedding. This is
your day. Not hers. Her situation is crappy,
but if you are close enough that she is
actually in your wedding then hope
fully she will be happy enough
for you that things can proceed
normally. Consider letting her off
the bridesmaid's hook altogether if
she thinks it would be easier to deal
with. Whatever you do, address the
issue now and get it over with right
away, because you are dealing with
enough as it is, and if this thing
blows up later it might cause real
damage to both your wedding and
your friendship.
My husband and I were married
for eight years. At first things were
wonderful—we were young and in
love, and things were perfect and
passionate. Then he got The Job.
The job was great for him at
first—everything he always
wanted and more, not great
pay, but he loved loved loved
what he did. He excelled at it; he
got a couple of promotions and raises within
the first couple of years; we bought a house;
things were looking up. I had a mediocre job,
but then I went back to school. Then I got my
dream job, and things were great for both of
us. Then, things changed.
I got into the groove of my job and things
mellowed out. I was still happy, but less busy
and more settled. Him, not so much. He started
staying late and leaving early. Then, he was'
working some weekends, etc. And I was never
happy. We never saw each other, and when
we did, he was either exhausted or working at
home. I complained; we talked; we went to
therapy. He promised to change, then he sort of
changed, then he went back to his old ways.
So, I asked for a divorce, moved out and
took a lover. This part was over the course of
about six months. He found out about the
other guy, and he was upset, but he knew why
I did it. At that point, I was actually really
happy with the new guy, and we were making
plans for the future. I know, I know—
don't rebound, spend time alone, blah,
blah, blah. Tell me about it. What
can I say? I was lonely; he was
sexy and smart and available;
we got it on. Sue me.
Anyway, the new guy and
I were making plans, and I
was halfway out the door and
in the process of a divorce,
and then I had to meet up
with my husband to sign some
papers and stuff. It was during
this meeting that I realized
how much I missed him and
why I had fallen in love with
him in the first place. We
spent most of the night getting drinks in our
favorite bar, and the rest of it making sweet
love back at his (our) house.
So, now I don’t know what to do. I feel like
I owe it to new guy to tell him what's up, but
I also don’t want to lose him. I don't think my
husband and I are going to get back together
because he still has The Job and there is no
way that things will ever be normal..So, do I
tell the new guy what I did and beg his forgive
ness? Or just keep it quiet and hope he doesn't
find out? In a way, this is sort of expected of
people who are in the process of divorce, right?
Arrgh. Confused. Please help.
Old Flame, New Flame
Your only choice is immediate
full disclosure. Surely your new
guy had to realize that getting
involved with a woman in the
midst of a divorce was going to
be complicated. Tell him what's
going on, and then tell him you
need some time. Because I know
you don't want to admit this, but
You. Need. Some. Time. It doesn't
matter what you think you want
right now. You need to tell both
of these guys that it's time for a
time out. Then, take a time out.
Take a class, volunteer, (buy
a vibrator?), meditate, maybe
consider a little therapy. Figure
out what it is that you really
want and need, and after you
have changed your mind six
or seven or a thousand times,
spend some more time thinking
about it. Even if you are over
your husband (which you aren't; but
that doesn't mean you won't get over him),
you are not ready for whatever is next. You
had the get-it-out-of-your-system sex with
another guy, and that's great. But now you
really like the guy, and if you don't back away,
you are going to fuck everything up. Give
yourself six months, then see what's up.
Jyl Inov
Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous query
via the Reality Check button at www.flagpole.com.
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