About Flagpole. (Athens, Ga.) 1987-current | View Entire Issue (July 27, 2011)
MATTERS OF THE HEART AND LOINS I am in my early 30s. I have lived away from home since I graduated high school—first in college and then in the army. Now I live in another state, but I go home often to visit my family. There is a guy that I am “friends" with on Facebook, meaning that he requested a friendship and I accepted, but we never really had any meaningful exchanges. I think when he friended me, at first I was kind of excited because I always had a crush on him in high school and I never thought he noticed me. But then I just never had any thing to say, so he just kind of sat there on my friends list. About a month ago, I posted some pictures of myself from a beach volleyball tournament that I had competed in with my sisters. He immediately (like, I'm talking within minutes) made a comment on one of the pictures to the effect that I look great and that he remembered I played back then, etc. In addition to this hobby, I am a physical trainer, so, yes, I am very fit. Whatever. I didn't really think about it when I posted it. Anyway, he struck up a conversation with me. I responded to his comment, and then he sent me a mes sage, and then we ended up instant messaging with each other for like three hours. It was great. We actually have a ton in common, and we had lots to say to each other. We signed off and agreed to talk again soon. I was busy for the next few days, but then I got another message from him, so I went to his page. He has pictures of himself with a girt that he is obviously "with" with, so I asked him the next time we chatted if he has a girl friend. He said that he does, and I said I don’t think we should be talking like we ore because it's not fair to her. He said it's not a big deal, and I said that if I was his girlfriend and he was talking to some girl I hod never met this much I would be pissed. I said it was nice getting to know him a bit but that I wasn't interested in talking anymore. So, he went away. That lasted for about a week, and then he com mented on my other pictures. I only noticed because I get a notice when it happens. I ignored him. I ignored the next five comments and two messages. Still he persists. What the hell do I do now? I would love to be friends with him, but I have no interest in doing that to his girlfriend. Am I correct in assuming that most women would agree with me? Am I crazy not to keep tabs on him in case he becomes single? I wouldn't think twice about it, but I have had several opinions on the matter that are starting to make me second-guess myself. Anonymous You did the right thing. In fact, you might just want to unfriend him. If he gets persis tent, block him. I don't know what kind of advice you're getting from other people, but what is the possible outcome if you continue with this? Do you get to be the next in line to be the girlfriend he’s sneaking around on? It would be different if you two were old friends, or if you were hanging out with him and his girlfriend, but this is just icky. Blow him off. I am married with one kid and another on the way. My husband and I own our house, but we got into some financial difficulty, so we decided to take on a roommate. We have a mutual friend (Mike) that we both like and trust. We worked with him for several years at our previous jobs and we trust him implicitly. So far, the arrangement has been great. He pays his bills on time, picks up after him self, takes on a share of the housework, and is great with our daughter. He has a son of his own with a woman who dumped him, and he doesn't get to see him often, so I think he likes being around kids. Anyway, things were great until he got a girlfriend. She is a perfectly nice girl, but she spends a lot of time at our house and she is a total slob. Recently, she has started spend ing nights and using the shower in the morning \ before work and she leaves the place a total wreck afterward. I mentioned it to Mike and he said he would deal with it. He has been jump ing in there when she's done and cleaning up. I appreciate his effort, but I really wish he would just ask her to clean up after herself because I don't feel he should have to. She needs to be told. This morning, to top it all off, I discov ered that she had used my razor. I am about to lose it. I am pregnant and a germophobe. I never even let my husband use my razor. The thought of it makes me want to vomit right now and I don't even have morning sickness anymore! What should I do? If I tell him I am afraid he's just going to smooth it over instead of telling her, but I really don’t want to have this conversation with her, and I don’t think I should have to. Please help. I want him to be j happy but I want her to take some responsibility, too. Not Her Mom It's very nice that he respects you enough to jump in there and try to fix things to your standards, but if he doesn't tell her she's doing something wrong then she won't have a chance to correct her own behavior. In the long run, that's just going to make things more complicated. At this point, he is still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship, so he's piobably unwilling to have an uncomfort able conversation, but the razor thing is really just too much. She needs to be told, and he needs to do it. Sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms that you expect him to have the conversation. And, since you're his good friend and also a lady, consider helping him with exactly how to say it. It sounds like everyone involved is a nice enough person, and you all like each other. This shouldn't be a big deal. If he takes care of it now, it won't be. 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