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MATTERS OF THE HEART AND LOINS
I'm stuck. I’ve never been the most decisive
person in the world, and now I have two great
guys that I have to choose between, before I
do too much damage. I've been dating this one
guy since Match, and he's great—though he is
a typical "man’s man." We were best friends
for two years (during which time I was in a
serious relationship with another guy) before
we started dating. It’s been hard for me to rec
oncile the love and affection that I had for him
as a friend with romantic love, and that (along
with the fact that he lives in ATL)
has been holding me back from
him. Were both really busy,
so a long distance rela
tionship is difficult.
Anyway, I just started
a new job, and there’s
a guy there that I really
connected with. In con
trast to the macho-
man persona of my
Current boyfriend, he
seems like a genuinely
sweet guy. But he's
also MUCH older than
me. I honestly don't
know him very well, and
I haven't been physical
with him at all (although we have spent time
together alone), but I don’t know whether or
not I can let him pass me by.
I would appreciate your wisdom. What
would you do in my shoes?
Too Many Men, Too Little Time
so I know how to reach you. What the hell,
right? So long as you promise not to hold me
responsible for whatever happens next, I have
no qualms about putting you in touch. Which
means, of course, that the ball is in the Old
Fashioned Dater's court. If you're out there,
OFD, this is your chance.
I am fairly certain that my son’s best friend
is gay. They have been friends since they were
children, and my husband and I have always
kind of suspected it. I won't go into any
potentially insulting generalizations,
but suffice it to say that we are both
very liberal and have plenty of gay
friends and are active in the
drag community, etc.
Anyway, this boy’s par
ents are very conservative
and very religious, and even
though the boys are now
almost 20, we don’t feel that
he would ever feel safe coming
out. We both feel bad about it
because we really like him and
he is like a second son to us
and we want him to have a
good life and be fulfilled,
etc. We are wondering how
to let this boy know that he has support and
people he can talk to without embarrassing him
or outing him before he is ready. We are also
trying to figure out how to make sure our son
won’t react poorly. Any advice?
Anonymous
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Tell your former BFF/current BF that you
don't want to stay exclusive. If neither of
you has the time to fully participate in the
relationship, then it is never going to come
to real fruition anyway. If you are frustrated,
then he probably is, too. It seems to me
that if you were really into it, you might
have moved there before you started a
new job rather than remaining long dis
tance? Or, if you were both more into
it you might make more time for the
relationship. I don't know. Maybe
there are extenuating circum
stances. All I can say is that you
seem like you've already made
up your mind. You are interested
in this other guy, you are unsure
about it based (mostly) on the age
difference, and you are looking
for my permission to pursue him.
I think you should explore the
option, but only after you talk to
your boyfriend.
A dear friend called me as soon as she read
the letter by An Old-fashioned Dater saying she
had found the perfect man for me...
When I was 19, I got into a committed
relationship that lasted W years—we btoke up
about two years ago, and I find myself also at
a loss when it comes to dating. The last date
I was on was in 1999! So much has changed!
So, when this letter found me, I knew I had to
wiite. In a fun impulse. I thought one way to
get a date is to have your need published in
Flagpole. Do you play matchmaker?
Old fashioned Dater (2)
Well, OFD?, I can't make any promises, but
I would be happy to make an introduction if
you and 0FD1 are amenable. I will wait for
him to respond, and, in the meantime, you
can send me a message at jylinov@yahoo.com
Your son is 19. You can't "make sure" he
does anything anymore, really. But if you are
open-minded and understanding people, you
have probably raised an open-minded and
understanding kid. I assume that since you
have gay friends your son already knows
gay people and is OK with them? You
should try to introduce his friend to
some of your gay friends, too. And
maybe invite them both to Boybutante
Bingo or some such activity? Don't get
all preachy and do-gooder on any
body, just make it part of normal
stuff that you do, and then they
are more likely to see it as normal.
This kid may or may not be gay,
and he may or may not choose to
come out if he is, but you can't
control that. If he is like a son to
you, then hopefully he sees you
as extended family as well. Just let
him know that you care about him
and that if he ever needs anything
you're there for him, etc. And then
let it go. If you're right and he does come out,
then you can deal with it. But if not, you just
have to let him live his life.
Random Update, In Cose You're Interested: Hey,
Jyl, Usual Hag here. Yes. you read that right.
The guy was met through an email on Craigslist
by my gay best friend. He'd never done any
thing with men before, and GBF was his first.
I guess the revision would be to say that this
guy was a latei-in-life bisexual, as he was very
much wanting to do this "do GBF AND his best
friend" thing. It's putting the "fun" in dysfunc
tion, I know. I can promise that I have excel
lent gay-dar and I am not Michelle Bachmann
ratting out Mitch or anything. Your help is very
much appreciated!
Jyl Inov
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