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• ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE
HUNTER (R) The historically ptaytoi
Abraham Lincoln: Vatnfire Hunter &&
most things right until it whiffs on a
tremendously silly climax that involves
the 16th president personally oversee
ing a secret mission to save the Union
Army at Gettysburg. Unfortunately, Seth
Grahame-Smith, the author of toe book
upon which ALVH is based, is proving
tar less resourceful as a screenwriter
than as a historical revisionist (see
Dark Shadow^. A quick perusal of
the book’s plot reveals a much more
believable retelling ot toe Lincoln
mythology; toe movie not so much.
Requiring fewer leaps ot stylistic logic
than director Timur SekmambetovS last
movie. Wanted, toe Russian heimer of
Nightwtfch/Daywatch stiii throws m a
smattering ot ridiculously unrealistic
fight choreography. Little-known
Beniamin Waiter, who resembles a
young Liam Neeson, acquits himself
adequately as Lincoln. No other
performance—all villainous vamps
and useless sidekicks—matters. Had
Grahame-Smith stuck more closely to
his novel, ALVH might have worked
better. The key to historical revisionism
is to hew as closely to toe truth as pos
sible. Then again, some whimsies—
say. a stovepipe-hatted president
fighting vampires on a train—might be
better off left on toe page as they look
far too ridiculous in the cinematic light
ANNIE (PG) 1982, The classic musical
starring Aileen Guinn is part of Ctrl's
Classic Kids Series. Little Orphan
Annie sings and schemes her way out
of an orphanage and away from its
drunken house mother, .Miss Hannigan,
in search of her real parents, befriend
ing a shaggy dog am! a generous
millionaire aiong the way. With Albert
Finney and Carol Burnett.
THE AVENGERS (PG-13) The various
Avengers—Robert Downey, Jr.'s Iron
Man, Chris Evans’ Captain America,
Chris Hemsworth’s Thor, another new
Hulk (this time Mark Ruffalo gets to
unleash the beast) and the rest—have
assembled, and together they are
a blast But before they can battle
Thor's mischievous brother, Loki (Tom
Hiddleston), who is intent on enslaving
toe world with his other-dimensional
army, Earth's mightiest heroes have
to sort out a tew things among them
selves. Joss Whedon and Zak Penn
capture the bickering essence of a
super-group. Every single one of these
heroes benefits from Whedon’s trade
mark snappy baiter and his way with
ensembles. The Avengers lives up to all
toe hype and expectation.
BATTLESHIP (PG-13) For a giant,
dumb summer movie that could only .
be called Bay-esque, Battleship doesn't
sink itself. Earth gets more than it
bargained for after scientists send
signals into space in an attempt to add
some extraterrestrial Facebook friends.
The ETs that answer are not friendly,
answering with massive Transformer-y
ships and personality-less shock
troopers. Fortunately, Earth has Taylor
Kitsch, Landry from 'Friday Night
Lights,' Rihanna and Brooklyn Decker
to fight toe giant peg-bomb launching
invaders
BEBNiE (PG-13) Richard Linklafer's
latest film stars Jack Black as Bemie
Tiede, a local Texas mortician who
strikes up an unlikely friendship
with w^fthy widow Marjorie Nugent
(Shirtey MacLaine). Wien Bemie kills
Marjorie, toe model citizen (choir
member, Sunday School teacher,
ail around helping hand) goes out
of his way to mate toe townspeople
believe she is shit alive. Sound like
another Bernte you know? 1 firxf certain
Unktater comedies to require a specific
sense of humor, well have to see it
Bemie is one of those films. With
Matthew McConaughey.
THE BBT EXOTIC MARIGOLD
HOTEL (PG-13) No better Avengers
counterprograrrtmtog could exist than
tots British dramedy starring Oscar
winner Dame Judi Dench, Bill Nighy,
Dev Pate!, Oscar winner Maggie Smith
and Oscar winner Tan Wilkinson and
directed by Shakespeare in Love Oscar
nominee John Madden. A bevy of Brits
travel to the subcontinent to sfay at foe
posh, newly renovated Marigold Hotel,
but toe adverts prove misleading.
Still, toe hotel does begin to charm its
English patrons. Based on the novel by
Deborah Moggach.
• BRAVE (PG) A good, not great
Pixar fifrn, Brave strays into traditional
Disney territory after a tremendously
magical first act Headstrong Scottish
Princess Merida (wonderfuity voiced
by the lovely Keify Macdonald) wants
to choose her own destiny. She does
not want to marry toe first-born of one
of toe clans allied with her father, toe'
Bear King, Fergus (v. Billy Connofy),
but ha mother, Queen Elinor (v. Emma
Thompson), will hear none of her
complaints. In typical stubborn teenage
fashion, Merida short-sightedly asks a
wood-carving witch (v. Julie Watters)
tor a spell to change her mother. The
aftermath of toe spell leads to some
heartwarming aid charming der
ring-do, but the sitcom-ish mix-up is a
bit stock for what we’ve come to expect
from toe studio that gave us Wall-E
and Up, two animated features that
transcended their caftoonish origins. .
Still, Brave is leaps and bounds more
impressive than Cars 2 and would have
fit nicely in the Disney Renaissance of
toe 1990s.
THE CABIN IN THE WOODS (R)
Horror movies do not come much more
perfect than The Cabin in the Woods,
written by geek god Joss Whedon
and one of his strongest proteges,
Drew Goddard. A sublime tweaking
of the entire slasher genre, Cabirfs
deconstruction may be less meta than
Scream, but its elaborate mytholo
gy—a staple of toe Whedonverse—is
transferable and adds a brand new
reading to nearly every modem horror
film. Five college friends (the most
familiar face is the beardless one of
Chris Thor* Bemsworth, who can be
seen in Whedon’s The Avenger^ taka a
weekend trip to toe woods that ends in
a bloodbath.
DARK SHADOWS (PG-13) Having
tried but never quite suRk my teeth Into
both previous versions of Dan Curtis'
gothic soap opera, I had few precon
ceptions going into Tim Burton/Johnny
Deppls high-concept reimagining.
Sadly, the duo merely delivered a pret
ty-looking, rather (toll oddity. (Burton^
output has become increasingly miss-
and-hit.) Tossing much of toe soap’s
suds and upping the camp, toe big
screen Dark Shadows stiii involves
many of toe safes’ major players:
vampire Barnabas Collins (Depp),
BisdetoJCoiiins Stoddard (Michelle
Pfeiffer), Or. Hoffman (Helena Bonham
Cartef), Angehque (Eva Green). Willie
Loomis (Jackie Earle Haley), Victoria
Winters (Bella Heatocote) and Carolyn
Stoddard (Chfoe Grace Moretz). That
list of names will mean iltoe to toe
scores of uninitiated young Burton/
Depptans looking for another Alice in
'Wonderland, whrch this horror comedy
most certainly is not
DINER (R) 1982. Rain Man Oscar
winnef Barry Levinson announced his
writing-directing presence in a big
way, and received an Oscar nomination
for Best Original Screenplay, with this
nostalgic look at impending adulthood
in 1959 Baltimore. The cast of potential
stare—Steve Gutenberg, Mickey
Rourke, Kevin Bacon, Daniel Stan, Tim
Oaiy. Paul Reiser and Ellen Barton—
may have dimmed, but tire film itsetf
has not. Part of the GMOAS Summer
Film Series, held in conjunction with
the exhibit 'John Baeder.'
JHNSp
(Riley Thomas Stewart), and runs afoul
ofherex/Ben$dad(JayR. Ferguson,
who easels at duefess d-bags), a
deputy sheriff and son of big-time
local judge/prcspective mayor The war
scenes are thankfully short, making me
wonder how much worse toey could
have been on toe page, and director
Scott Hicks (sane fine films like Shine
and Snow Fatting on Cedardj illustrates
this romance with some gorgeous,
magazine spread cinematography
(wad to Alar Khriio, whose work to
date has never betrayed this artistic an
eye). Will love conquer all or is tois
another one of Sparks' tsarjerkers?
Only 141 minutes of your life stand
between you and the answer.
MADAGASCAR 3: EUROPE’S
MOST WANTED (PG) By now,
franchise fans know what to expect
from the adventures of Alex the lion (v.
Ben Stiller), Marty the zebra (v. Chris
Rock), Melman the giraffe (v. David
Schwimmer) and Gloria toe hippo (v.
Jada Pinkett Smith). These four former
denizens of toe New York Zoo team up
again with those wacky penguins and
Who you callin’ a Care Bear, mofo?
DR. SEUSS’ THE LORAX (PG)
Released on Dr. Seuss' 108th birthday,
this pleasant animated adaptation of
toe beloved children^ author's envi
ronmental fable fails to utterly charm
like toe filmmakers’ previous animated
smash, Despicable Me The Lorax trecy
visually stun you, and Danny DeVito’s
brief time as voice of toe Lorax could
stand as his greatest rote, one that will
go unrecognized by any professional
awards outside of the Armies.
HYSTERIA (R) (NR) Maggie
Gyllenhaaf stars in this period sex
comedy about toe invention of the
vibrator by Dr. Mortimer Granville
(Hugh Dancy, last seen in Our Idiot
Brother md Martha Marcy May
Mar lend). Joining Maggie G and Dancy
are Jonathan Pryce, Felicity Jones
(Like Crazy), Rupert Everett and Ashley
Jensen. Hysteria may be toe third
movie from director Tanya Wexler (Ball
in the House and Finding North), but
iris the first one to get a wide release.
THE LUCKY ONE (PG-13) The
Notebook it is not. but The Lucky One
will not disappoint Nicholas Sparks’
fans looking for some sappy romance
and a shirtless Zac Efron. A Marine
named Logan (Efron) survives several
incidents after finding a picture of a
woman. When he returns to toe states,
he seeks out this woman, whom he
teams is named Beto (Taylor Schilling,
still recovering from Atlas Shrugged:
Pan f) to thank her tor saving his life.
But things get complicated when he
falls for her and her young son, Ben
some nutty Lemurs (voiced by Sacha
Baron Cohen, Cedric the Entertainer
and Andy Richter) in an aborted
attempt to return hon.e. This time, toe
gang is waylaid in Europe by a circus
featuring animals voiced by Bryan
Cranston ("Breaking Bad' season five
cannot get here fast enough). Jessica
Chastain and toe reliably funny yet
equally annoying Martin Short But a
crazed French animal control officer,
Captain Chantel Dubois (v. Frances
McOormand), is hot on the animals'
trail. No one should be coming into
Madagascar 3 Wind. This third entry
proffers more cute fun m a long first act
chase than either of its predecessors,
and that's before any of the appeal
ing new characters are Introduced.
Madagascar 3 should keep toe kiddies
happy until Pixafs Brave on June 22.
MADEA’S WITNESS PROTECTION
(PG-13) Tyler Perry has needlessly
overplotted his latest Madea pic.
According to toe jam-packed logline,
an investment banker is relocated to .
Madeals house. Just toe idea of Eugene
Levy interacting with Perrys Madea
is entertaining. Toss Denise Richards,
Tom Arnold and Doris Roberts into toe
mix, and you have the most exotic
sounding Madea movie yet. It might
not be good, but the curiosity quotient
has been raised. As usual, TP writes,
directs and stars as Madea, Joe and
Brian.
MAGIC MIKE (R) A stripper comedy,
starring Channing Tatum, upon whose
pre-star life toe story is based, and
directed by Steven Soderbergh, who
already directed Tatum once this year
(Haywktip You've got my attention
This flick sounds like interesting
counterprogrammmg to toe summer’s
superhero jams. With Alex Pettyfer
(I Am Number Four and Beastly),
Matthew McConaughey, Olivia Munn,
Wendi McLendon-Covey (the "Reno;
911!" alum who matte an impression
in Bridesmaid$ and Mircea Monroe
(Showtime^ underrated Matt LeBlanc
vehicle, 'Episodes*).
MARLEY (PG-13) Academy Award
winning filmmaker Kevin Macdonald
(toe award winning docs One Day in
Septembers Touching the Void, as
well as the award winning feature The
Last King oi Scotland) documents toe
life, music and legend of Bob Mar fey.
The feature documentary makes use
of rare footage, live performances and
interviews with toe family, friends and
Waiters that knew Marley best A cant
miss lor Marley tans. Part of the Afotest
Filmiest 2012 Rock Docs series.
MEN IN BLACK HI (PG-13)
Confession time; I never saw Men in
Black!!. I’m OK with that oversight. Will
Smith and Tommy Lee Jones reprise
toeir roles as Agent J and Agent K.
Apparently, Smith’s J time travels back
to 1969 to stop an alien from assas
sinating his partner, whose younger
version is played by Josh Brolin.
Director Barry Sonnenfeld returns and
could realty use a hit With Alice Eve,
Jemaine Clement. Emma Thompson
and Bill Hader as Andy Warhol.
\!!RROR MIRROR (PG) Not much
clicks in 20121s first reimaging of
Snow White (toe darker Snow White
and the Huntsman is out now). Julia
Roberts does not an Evil Queen make;
toe anachronistic dialogue is wincingly
unfunny and toe live action cartoon,
overflowing with Stooge-y slapstick,
is a tonal decision only pleasing to
undiscriminating children, many of
whom found Mirror Mirror to be mus
ingly delightful. t.i not.
PROJECT X (R) As a responsible
adult I lament how this teen comedy,
produced by The Hangover‘s Todd
Phillips, condones toe Internet era’s
hedonism as teenage rite of passage.
Three unpopular high schoolers
(Thomas Mann, Oliver Cooper and
Jonathan Daniel Brown) throw a party
so wild (sex, drugs, aicohol, fire, a
midget; Ills like the boys go to Bret
Easton Ellis High) that not even toe
cops can stop it, a conceit that play
rights into teenagers’ already over-
inflated egos. As a former teenager,
I wish I’d been invited. The appeal
of Project X truly depends on the
perspective—adult or teen—from
which you view it as the party supplies
few surprising acts of debauchery, ft
does add a novel running gag about
two overzealous, overmatched teen
security guards. Their misadventures
had a sense of freshness from which
toe rest of this slightly fired party flick
could have benefited.
PROMETHEUS (R) A beyond com
petent, philosophical science fiction
film, director Ridley Scofos return to
toe Alien universe he helped create in
1979 is good without ever fulfilling
its promise to be great. Prometheus,
co-written by 'Lost* co-creator Damon
Lindelof, is so fueled by mystery that
you may want to avoid toe Internet
and tois review until you've seen it
Even with series tropes like androids,
10 FLAGP0LE.COM-JUNE 27,2012
corporate shenanigans and body hor
ror, Prometheus is not quite the Alien
prequel fans may be expecting/hoping
tor, but the feature is one of the most
thought-provoking, recent science fic
tion films released by a major studio.
THE RAVEN (R) American acting
institution John Cusack stars as
American literary institution Edgar
Allan Poe In this fictionalized version
of toe poet's final days, spent hunting a
serial killer tost is recreating toe deaths
from Poe's own states. Vfor vendetta
directa Janes McTeigue helms this
entertaining sounding historical thriller
frontally, tors Poe flick is cowrit
ten by a woman with foe last name
Shakespeare. With Alice Eve (She's
Old of My League), Luke Evans and
Brendan Gieeson
ROCK OF AGES (PG-13) Warning:
Anyone with a keen knowledge of rock
and rolf from 1977-1987 will be end
lessly sidetracked by tois popular juke
box musical's utter disregard for the
chronological progression of foe pal
ed’s rock music. Early ‘80s Journey hits
are supposedly written in 1987; Guns
N’ Roses fevaites were popularized in
the era of KISS’ 'Alive II*; songs from
1989 are included as diegetic music.
Yet the musicological stupidity matters
little when Tom Cruise takes foe stage
as Stacie Jaxx, an Axl Rose-ian fallen
rock god. Cruise inhabits foe insular
American idol, generously giving him
unexpected extra-dimensionality, and
foe star can belt out foe hits to boot.
Even with foe stage musical’s rough
edges and rougher characters (Jaxx in
particular) worn down and its lack ot
nudity (or hard drugs), Rock of Ages
could still have earned an R rating for
thematic elements alone; one wonders
if foe MPAA does inore than look for
nipples and listen for f-bombs.
° SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE
END OF THE WORLD (R) A pre-
apocaiyptic, blackly comic romance
starring Steve Carell and Keira
Knightley does not quite scream sum
mer movie. bu» the directorial debut
of Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
scripter Lorene Scafaria could pos
sibly turn out to be summer 2012 s
overlooked gem. While an asteroid
careens fatally toward the planet.
Dodge (Carelt, who continues to show
above average instincts when it comes
to picking projects), whose wife has
recently and suddenly deserted him,
and Penny (Knightley), freshly broken
up with yet another boyfriend (Adam
Brody), escape foe riot-filled city on a
mission to reunite Dodge with his high
school sweetheart. On their road trip,
this unlikely duo meets some odd cats
piayed by familiar television pals. This
rambling, fomantic travelogue is more
comfortable quietly mu r g about foe
end of foe world amid interludes of
subtle comedy than one would expect
from a summer romcom. Its final des
tination is near impossible to predict,
and getting to that unmarked end is
both sadly romantic and redemptively
full of life. However, like NBC’s quirky,
unfairly underwatched Thursday night
offerings, 'Community* and ‘Parks
and Rec,* what Seeking a Friend.
might really be looking for is a paying
audience.
SNOW WHITE AND THE
HUNTSMAN (PG-13) 2012S sec
ond Snow White movie (she$ also a
television star on ABC’s ’Once Upon
a Time*) tweaks the fairy tale with the
pate beauty (Kristen Stewart, Twilight]
and foe huntsman (Chris Hemsworth.
Thor), sent by Charlize Theron’s Evil
Queen to kill her, instead teaming up to
overthrow her majesty. Directa Rupert
Sanders is an unknown entity. Written
by Drivels Hossein Amini.
A TED (R) A grown man (Mark
Wahlberg) has a childhood wish come
true when his teddy bear comes to
life. This comedy comes from “Family
Guy* impresario Seth MacFariane.